How Can We Help Our Child Through Social Anxiety?

what happened in dec of 2010 to make this difference?? It sounds like she is afraid of adults and i worry what the reason for that might be.

My answer to you is that SOMETHING happened. You may not know what, but something did. Have you asked her what happened? She may have seen a Disney movie where an adult dies or - who knows what. Only she does. Just keep asking her gently and wait until she responds.

We have a children's counselor that is awesome. Her name is Joy Somers ###-###-####. She comes to you. Give her a call and see if this is something she can help with. Tell her S. sent you.

Maybe socializing her in a less structured environment would be better for her, a place that doesnt have expectations or competition to succeed. Hanging out at the zoo or park with other kids her age that are possibly cousins or friends of yours that have kids her age... where they just play without an end result.
5 is a transitional age, they are becoming wiser and notice things more and it's probably kind of scary... I'm sure its probably just a phase in her development and not much to worry about.

Hi,

Some things jumped out at me right away because your post left me with questions. Such as, does she have any play dates at all with other children at their houses or your house? Is her weekly dance class/art class the only interaction she gets with other children or time away from home? Are you present when she has both of these classes? How physically active is she during the week? I would have her seen by a therapist (sensory or occupational therapy) to be assessed. I think she really needs the be around lots of children. My own son who has aspergers (very high functioning but socially deficient when it comes to understanding social functions) "needs" the social interaction from other children and he learns so much from them and they from him. When he doesn't get it, his personality starts changing to a kid who could be perceived as having social anxiety or social aversion when in actuality that isn't the case. Kids at this age forget how to act if they aren't accustomed to it and need to learn from other kids every day. We make it a point to make play dates, after school classes, physical sports activities etc. By doing this things our son is happy, sociable, and most of all his self esteem is great. One of the types of therapies that we did was DIR/Floortime (look into it) with an occupational therapist. It is fun, playbased and really gets the kids more social and confident. This type of therapy is not only for kids who have Aspergers there were many "typical" kids that did this type of therapy with my son. You can and you will get your daughter get past this but you need to provide her the tools to do it. Good luck to you!

Two thoughts: Please get her to a professional therapist, but first, get her hearing tested.

I"m surprised no one seemed to mention this, at least not that I could find, but please get her evaluated by a professional therapist now. You already know that helping her "work through the situation" as books have told you to do is just not working. Go with you mom instinct and reach out, not to us on Mamasource, but to a professional who deals with kids.

Better to do that now, and be told "She'll be OK," than to wait and find out there were interventions that could have helped her.

One other, separate thing: Has her hearing been tested? This started after an ear infection. Could it be that her hearing is damaged and the withdrawal is due to being unable to hear well and feeling insecure because of that? At home, with no other noises around and people speaking directly to her, she may hear enough to communicate back to you, but in the noisier environment of a kids' dance or art class, she may be overwhelmed by the background noise and shutting herself down because of that. Talking to a teacher on the phone may also be tough for her to hear. Just a thought.

If it's not hearing:
She may indeed just be in a phase, or having trouble dealing with other kids or unfamiliar adults because she has little interaction with those outside the family on a frequent basis -- BUT she also could be developing true social anxiety, which requires therapy from a professional. The fact that she only wants to communicate in grunts to people outside the family could be the start of "selective mutism" -- I know there is another, more "correct" term for this condition but I can't recall it. One of my daughter's 2nd grade classmates did this in 2nd grade and that was the term his mother used. He would talk to his family but to everyone else, including teachers and other kids, he responded with nothing verbal except occasional "mmm-hmms" etc. This was a result of social anxiety and his parents got him into therapy that has helped. He was a very bright child and could have done much more academically, but was hampered by the fact he would not speak.

If your child were in a school system this would have been noticed and you already might have been referred to counseling and then therapy. I am NOT saying you are doing anything wrong by home-schooling her! But the fact she is not in any larger homeschooling groups would be a concern to me. Around here, homeschoolers seem to do a lot of group classes, group field trips to museums, etc. so every week the kids are often with other homeschooled kids and with other adults who are not family members. If you can get into a homeschooling "system" where there are frequent and organized classes and interactions with the same group of kids, that might help. But don't let that be your only response.

Please don't try to deal with this all yourself. This sounds like more than shyness. I know the pediatrician said she would outgrow it but I would tell the pediatrician you want a referral to a therapist even if just to rule out something that needs therapy. Don't wait too long or like this boy I mentioned, this could go on for some time.

Smaller groups, are probably better to have her participate in, than bigger groups with lots of kids.

She has NOT had a lot of social interactions/social situations, to adapt to nor to experience.

Start with smaller groups first.
She is withdrawing, probably because all that social interaction is overwhelming for her.

Don't force it.
Go a little at a time.

Some kids are also, just more shy.
My daughter was shy when younger.
But she went to Preschool and is in public school. We have a good one here. Blue ribbon school.

We just taught my daughter, to be HERSELF. So what if she was shy. She was however, very astute socially and wise, and she consciously 'chose' her friends. Was not a follower. She interacted, after she felt comfortable... and she was an 'observer.' She observed her surroundings/the other kids first. THEN, she would, interact, per her intuition about it. And she is very cognizant, socially.
We nurture that in her.
Not making her not shy. But just that she be herself. She is thus, very self-assured and confident. And good socially.

I would have your daughter in smaller groups, for now, instead. Less intimidating. Less overwhelming. Less overly stimulating.

As I said, my daughter was shy. She only spoke if she wanted to or felt comfortable. BUT, she was NOT a socially anxious child.
Just shy.
There is a difference.

My daughter, when younger, like 3 years old, went to preschool, went to school and as she got older, blossomed more. On her own. Without forcing. We never acted like anything was 'wrong' with being shy. My Husband was like that too, when he was a child.
My daughter initially, did do better in smaller groups or one on one.
But since Kindergarten and beyond, she naturally got more comfortable with bigger groups.

ALSO though, as a child gets older.... there are more 'expectations' upon a child... academically and socially. So maybe she is having a hard time, adjusting to all of that.
She is 5 now.
The expectations of a child that age, are a lot different. It is really now, school age.

I have known tons of home school kids. Some of my very closest friends were home-schooled. From what I've experienced -- home-schooled kids tend to be socially awkward -- and have all grown up to have difficulties as adults because of it. Kids learn social norms around their peers. It's the best way to socialize them. Public school serves that purpose, even if the education may be less than desirable.

Lack of socialization is the one reason that I believe the benefits of homeschooling are not as great as you might think. Your child might have a better education, but if they can't relate socially, they'll have issues for their entire lives. I've seen it countless times with home school kids that turn into awkward adults. Many parents try and remedy this among home schoolers by having social and play groups for their children -- or enrolling them in classes. It helps some with the socialization -- but not typically at the level needed to fully socialize them.

The other thing that public schools (or private for that matter) teach, that I've seen lacking with home schooled kids -- is problem resolution and coping skills. In a regular school environment kids learn that they don't always get what they want and they learn socially acceptable ways of dealing with it. With the home schooled children that I know and have known -- now adult age -- their coping skills are seriously lacking -- so any small life problems that come up -- tend to devastate their worlds.

Maybe you can consider putting them in public school (so they can learn social skills) and then supplementing with at home education after school if you feel anything is missing from their curriculum.

She goes out to dance with a couple kids on a weekly basis but comes back home to work in an online school with interaction with just adults. She does not have any social experience.

For her to come out of it (and to see if she is just naturally shy) is to "force" her into situations (and I do not mean literally) where she has kids and people around all the time. That will happen in kindergarten. That takes time to develop. If she happens to be a shy person, then start out small groups, but make it every day.

Do you have any homeschooling groups in your area? It definitely helps to connect with other homeschoolers--field trips, park days where all the children can play together, etc. We homeschool our kids and found a couple of homeschooling groups in the area that have park days every week for the kids to get together and play; that would be great for your daughter and for your family as well to connect with other homeschooling families.

It could just be a phase that she is going through, or she could just naturally be more of a shy person. I was like that all through elementary school (and I was in public school my whole life); when I was that age, I hated talking to adults I'd never met before, and I had a really quiet voice so people were always asking me to repeat myself. It drove me crazy! And lots of times the adult would say "What's wrong? Cat got your tongue?" or something else similar to that, which also annoyed me. :-) It could be her personality....my advice is to try to connect with other homeschooling families, make sure she has opportunities to play with kids her age, and keep encouraging her to be herself. She will come out of her shell someday; it might take her longer than other children, but it will happen. Good luck!

OK as an adult who is trying to work through social anxiety, I say please rethink homeschooling your daughter. Or if you absolutely must, make sure she has more opportunities to socialize than once a week. DAILY socialization with both adults and kids her age is key to your daughter's recovery. I was raised as a hermit which is why I suffer from social anxiety. Some days I'll be fine and other days, I just feel really stifled and I know it's something I'll always have to deal with b/c when you're a kid is when these things set or fix themselves. She's only 5 so now is a great time to change things around for her.

Did something major happen in Dec 2010 that you can trace this back to? There are social skill classes offered, typically through pediatric therapy clinics. The clinic we attend (I have an Autistic child) offers social skills classes through the summer that are open to anyone. Maybe call around to clinics in your area to see if they are offered. BUT, if you feel this is something on a much deeper level, it may not hurt to talk to a developmental pediatrician or a child psychologist. If it is a phase, you'll start to see her "forgetting" to do her grunt answers, that way you'll know she is doing it as a control issue. GL!

How about a class like gy mnastics where she has to physically move. This will provide some excercise like running, jumping etc. Maybe she will be more relaxed in that type of setting. Not as structured as dancing and art. She might enjoy that more. I would hope she will work things out but
if she does not, I would definitely speak with someone before things get
worse. Does she like going to the playground?

I agree with other moms: playdates, instead of structured functions, might be a good place to start.

I teach preschool and know that kids don't automatically "know" how to play and be comfortable with each other. Part of my job is smoothing out those rough edges, so during a playdate, stay within earshot. This will help her immensely if she needs help problem-solving with a playmate, you might just pop in and see if they want some help figuring out how to take turns with a toy or how they want to play. At this age, kids are starting to become more particular about play, and they tend to want to negotiate roles and what the story they are playing out will be like, and kids need support for this. Even if it's something as simple as figuring out rules for games.

I want to share with you one thing a middle school art teacher and father of two shared with me. He agreed with your assertion that public school doesn't always cut the mustard academically (it all depends on the school, and the teacher, in my opinion), however, he said he sent his kids to school "to learn how to get along with difficult people". All that to say, maybe homeschooling is working great for your academics, and you might consider trying a homeschool approach which includes having the students meet once a week for presentations, to work with "Tutor" parents. (the child's parent is considered their 'teacher', an instructing parent for age-based classes is considered a 'tutor'. ) There are homeschooling groups which have this sort of focus. My sister has been a part of Classical Conversations ( a Christian-based classical-type education) and her boys are thriving and very social in their own ways. There are plenty of non-religious classical ed groups also. Just wanted to share that there is some wiggle room in homeschooling to find easy ways to make new friends, connect with more kids for playdates. Good luck!

I am very pro-martial arts. It is not only another social setting, but it is great exercise, teaches them many many useful tools but more importantly for your DD, it teaches confidence and respect. Most schools have a program for 4 year olds & up so your DD should be OK. I have seen it bring many kids out of their little shells. Good luck! :)

My oldest daughter has always been shy around adults, since birth. my second could be running for mayor the way she interacts with people! When my oldest was about 7, I decided she needed to start speaking for herself. We set up a reward system with a sticker chart. Every time she said hello, goodbye and answered questions from an adult, she got a sticker. When she got 10 stickers, she got $1. This improved her behavior within a month or two and now she is polite, but still not gregarious. I'm not sure about the change in her demeanor, but you might try a gentle reward system.

Look for a social skills group in your area that helps kids with social anxiety. In your search engine (google) type "social skills group for children". Hopefully you're in an area that has several nearby. If not call one of them and ask for a referral near you. There are several of these groups geared toward autism and aspergers, so make sure it is a group that suits her needs. They are out there... Good luck!

I think you are doing great as a parent. The Homeschooling is excellent! The dance classes are excellent! Your child is a normal five year old little girl. No worries. Really. Just continue being a good parent. Keep loving her as much as you can. That is all she really needs.
Sincerely, from one parent to another. :D

This is not going to be a very popular or liked response, but you mentioned that she goes to an online school, and that it began a couple of months before her behavior change. Learning online and talking to a teacher on the phone seems like a pretty disembodied experience for someone that age who is still learning how to be in the physical world and learn social cues from interacting with others. To be honest, I am ignorant about how much "screen time" an online school would have for a child that age, but I've read research (sorry, can't remember the source) that suggests even learning-based screen activity (computer and tv) can impair social functioning. You may want to do your own research if you have not already. Again, my judgment may be in error as I am somewhat ignorant about what online school entails, but no one else called attention to it and it is honestly what stood out to me as the major change in her life toward the end of 2010.

It seems to me like all she needs is some free time to socialize with other kids. Do you have friends with children? Does she have cousins?
My kids did go to preschool part time, but they also had family friends and lots of cousins to interact with. I think if she had opportunities like that, outside of organized activities (like dance class) she would really enjoy it, especially since she is being home schooled.

Hi Biz,

Our children are a reflection of ourselves especially at this age. Have you taken stock of how your interact with adults in social situations? Are you friendly, outgoing, smile at strangers, comment on people's cute dogs, nice hats, beautiful sweaters? Do you allow her to shrink from interaction with others? Do you give audible excuses for your daughter in her presence? Not trusting schools translates to your daughter as not trusting the people running them, because for your daughter, it is not the stuff in the schools that's so important as the people in them.

You are looking to modify your daughter's behavior, that will take some time, and has to be done with consistency and routinely, like the dance class she is used to.

Good luck,
Wendy

The thing I noticed most about this post is that she really seems to have a problem mainly with adults, it sounds like maybe an adult may have scared her or been to harsh with her. I would definately put her in more socal activities.
An online based school for a child the age of 5 might not be best. Maybe if Mom or Dad were her teacher she would have more interaction with an actual human being. It sounds like she's pretty secluded from the world, that can cause many many problems.