How Can You Be a Better Parent with a Child W/autism Spectrum, Tics, Etc.

Hello A.,

I am a parent coach, many of my parents have children with ADD/ADHD, and have similar problems with their children. My first piece of advise is for you to take care of your self. When I was a Nanny, one of my charges had ADD, and I know frusterating it can be. When you feel your self becoming overwhelmed, tell the house, "Mommy needs a time-out" then sit down and breath. This will also teach your child, when they need a moment, to take a time out. Those few moments breathing helped me regain control and help the kids again.

Additionally, look for a help group. Often when you can talk to other parents, you fell better, but more importantly, you are not stressing your core group, (spouse & parenting partners), with complaints they experience too.

A resource you may find helpful is Oregon Parent Training and Information Center. They help parents who have children with special needs. I went to a seminar of theirs just last about IEP's, it was great.

http://www.orpti.org/

I hope the above information helps. Over the years I've take many classes about children with special needs, and your concerns are felt by everyone. "I am I a good parent?" "Will I scare my child because I ____?" and so forth. Please remember by asking for help, you are being the best parent, because you see your limitations and are looking for help.

Best of luck!

R. Magby

R. Magby

Hi A. - You are in the process of coming to terms with how your son is. This is NORMAL but it does get easier. One of the things that you can do is to start learning everything that you can about the disability areas that he has in his life (read books, talk to specialists, local disability groups, etc). Yes, we get frustrated with our kids when they do not perform/comply as "typical" kids or as we want them too. But the more you understand what makes your son unique and how he functions best, you will be able to help him find ways to do many of the same things just in a different route than the average or typical kid.

As you continue through this journey of diagnosis & therapy spend time observing therapists so you can learn how to follow-though with the same techniques at home (many therapists will give families homework to help the process). This will also give you & your son the consistency needed. Keep a journal of advice received from doctors, therapists as well as how he responds to those. Use a journal to express how this is making you feel, and let it all come out on paper, this will help you work through the process (exploring your feelings about it) and it will also give you a reference point when you look back in 6 month or 6 years and see how much you have grown from this. Use this as a growing experience!

Just remember that you are NOT a horrible parent!!! Dealing with a special needs kid is new to you and you will learn day by day on how to make it work. His schooling hopefully will be easier on you and your son as soon as the school district does its evaluations & gets him on an IEP (they can modify school/homework, get him an aid, etc). When working with your son just take a BIG breath & blow it out slowly and realize that it is hard but you will survive (I still have to do this with my son). If directions are hard to follow - make them simpler/shorter, or use pictures with boxes to check off (like a chart). Use several different ways to do/say the same thing and see which one works best and then use that to help with the communication. With kids it is a trial & error until we find out what works as each kid is different. Just take one day at a time!

I believe that you will also benefit from finding a local support group that you can meet with in person, I am involved with one where I live & they have been a wonderful support - I really feel for parents who try to do it alone. Reach out, check with doctors, hospitals, schools in your area to find one and then call & attend. At our parent support group we have a lending library & two of the books that are recommended for a parent just starting out is "The Fabric of Autism" by Judith Bluestone and "Chicken Soup for the Soul - Children with Special Needs", they might be a good read for you. See if your local library has them. You are not alone! God Bless

You are not a horrible mother. All of us with special needs kids have moments and days like you. I found once I had my kids diagnosed (adhd & add) it gave me a direction, I knew what I was dealing with. It helped me find the help for both my kids and myself. First off get your diagnosis done, this will help with school. Put in writing for a evaluation for services. Your son should qualify for services. He can get his homework reduced, extra time (make sure you ask for alot, it can scaled down, and he doesn't have to wait that long.), all sort of things are there for the asking. They don't offer it, you have to ask for the evaluation in writing because then they have to do it by law.

You need to find a support group like these other wonderful mothers have encouraged. If anything look online for a message forum with parents that have kids like yours. I found a forum years ago, and it is just a great tool to be able to know you are not alone out there, and some one will take time to help you. You also get ideas on what you can do to help your son that you wouldn't necessarily think of.
And you need to set aside some time for yourself. Keep yourself healthy. You are now your son's advocate, and you need to take care of yourself too.

Hello A.,

I only have one daughter (6 years old) and she does not have autism, but I wanted to comment to your post anyway - even with zero experience with autism.

I heard some advice when my daughter was born and it still holds true for me today. A child who is losing it (doesn't matter how) does NOT need a parent who is losing it too.

It doesn't matter if your child has autism or not, you need to learn to control your emotions. Children do not usually enjoy NOT pleasing their parents, they want to do well, just like you want them to do well.

Step back from the situation, calm down, take a deep breath and think, how can I help my child? How can I stay in control.

Parenting can be hard and sometimes, we make it harder. Proud that had the guts to ask the question. Keep asking until you find something that works for you, don't give up on that - your child needs you to succeed in staying calm so you can stay helpful. Keep searching for the right tools, and you'll find them.

Positively,
M.

There is a great book out by Jenny McCarthy about helping kids come out of autism, maybe that will help shed a light, just remember that you love your son and u are only human, every parent loses it once in awhile, step back breathe, and start again. good luck and get the book

A., although I do not have a child in the autism spectrum, a parent in my daughter's 2nd grade class does. He has responded wonderfully to a Gluetin-free diet. The change in his behavior is incredible. I'm sure the parent has researched and implemented other dietary and behavioral changes as well, but this is one area that I thought I would mention. Consult with a naturopath or physician that is aware of such issues. Do your own research. There are support groups waiting to help you! Good Luck. Trust your intuition.

Sometimes stress just builds and builds in us Mommas until we think we will explode! Is there anyone who can give you a break, a weekend away just to recharge? As Moms we often forget that we also need to care for ourselves from time to time, and that spending a day or two away from our families can make us better parents.

pray alot and be someone that you would be proud of.
That is all that you can ask of yourself.
You'll do just fine.

The best thing I can say is you have to learn to pick your battles. If his behavior is something that just annoys you, but isn't endangering him or grossly inappropriate, then I tell myself it's ok. You can't parent autism spectrum children in the traditional ways. It just doesn't work. It is like beating your head against a wall. Do as much reading as you can about Asbergers/autism. It is important that you see how their minds work in order to effectively direct and discipline them. They have such fragile self esteem, which, once torn down, is hard to come back from. Once you get a handle on how they interpret your actions, it will become easier to see and feel things from their perspective and, in turn, modify your approach. All it takes is educating yourself and learning how to control the impulses to go over the top. It will still happen occasionally, but, don't be hard on ourself. Just regroup and recommit because this is a lifetime commitment.

Hello A.,

I am the mother of a now 17 year old son who is an Aspergers Child. I feel your sadness, because I have been there.

i need to ask you... What is his thing? What is his passion? My son found a very large path thru his love of music. He also found great joy in reading books of science and facts & figures (like Ripley"s) Music soothed him and the other stuff entertained him. He also found a love in martial arts. Computer games too, but we always limited that because we noticed it made his symptoms worse.

Until he was 15, we did not know what was going on with him. Once we learned about Aspergers, we knew we had struck gold!!! We finally had the answer of why this child was so strange and wonderful at the same time. He has brothers and a sister, but went thru most of his life without friends.

He now attends a school that is a sort of charter for kids that love the sciences. He is with kids just like him. He has lots of friends and he even dates. He is finished with high school early and will graduate not only from high school, but with a 2 year college degree.

We worried so much about him, but we prayed often and he was lead to the right places and people.

It has often been said that if you could look inside the walls of NASA, you would find nothing but Aspergers kids. These are the kids that are changing the world!!!

Help him find his passion. Help him find his place. It is very hard for Aspergers kids to connect with each other. Try to find places and people with kids like him. Invite their families over to dinner.

He is a hidden gift in your life and you just need to help him find what his thing is... whatever that may be. I had a friend whos son loved ping pong. It was hard for her to accept because that is not a "cool sport", but he now plays it with a passion and she is accepting it.

It is hard right now, but keep plugging ahead. It is going to get better.

Look for your answers in the most unlikely places.

Your gonna make it!!!

M.

I understand your frustration with yourself and even your child, though its not his fault. My oldest (15 years old) is bipolar and life has been quite a journey with him. Not everyone can parent a special needs child and I believe our higher power has given us these children because we are special parents (even though there are days that I don't feel very special...lol). It helps to remember that in order for us to be good parents we need to take good care of ourselves. I have a hard time remembering that it is ok for me to not do it all. Many times my housework has gone by the wayside because it has been a rough day or week with my son and I needed a day off to myself. If you have someone you can trust it helps to let your child spend the night or even a few hours with them so that you can do something for yourself, whether it is browsing in the local bookstore or going out for coffee with a friend. Also, getting involved in a parents support group is helpful. You can learn that you are not alone, alot of parents feel this way.

Have you done any reading on your son's disorder? I found it helpful to read some books about childhood bipolar disorder, not only for the knowledge of what may be going on in my son's head but also to learn about how to be an advocate for my child to get the services that he needs.

Hang in there I know its rough sometimes!!!

My brothers youngest child has Autism. I know a few tricks that might help.
They had made her a chart of things that need to be done and at what time. They used velcro so they can change it daily and remove the items that were done. Tehy used pictures with words for each activity. Hannah eventually learned to look at the chart herself and read a digital clock. Give your child a ten minute reminder, then 5 minute, then 2, then 1 minute. From my understanding Autistic children dont do well with rapid change, you have to warn them what is goig to happen. In her case she would have major melt downs that consisted of a blood hurtling scream. Another thing is that they dont sleep well, their brain doesnt produce enough (if any) melatonin (melatonin is basically a sleep hormone).You can buy Melatonin and give it to your child about 1/2 hour before bedtime.
Each child has their own tics and triggers.
These children function alot better on strict schedules. They like the same thing at the same time every day type of thing. I remember my niece went through a phase were she would only eat "crabby patties" (cheese sandwich on a hamburger bun) for lunch. She hates her food touching each other. So basically things we dont see the big deal in isa major issue to them. Watch and listen to your child and you will learn these little qwerks. Another common thing with Autism is that they dont really interact with others well. Dont be surprised if your child prefers to be by his/herself or prefers certain people.
I hope this helps some! I know its difficult but they are such sweet loving children.

First of all, my heart goes out to you. I am currently in Beijing working as a trauma resolution specialist so can't be of much service to you until I return to the states at the ned of January. And there are a couple of thoughts i can offerto you.
First of all, the feelings of frustration you are having are normal. Please stop beating yourself up or judging yourself. These feelings stem from wanting to provide all the love and support you can. You are not always able to get the results you are after. And there aren't any "Autism for Dummies" books out there with easy solutions--yet.

So here you are as a mom, who rumor has it is supposed to be able to fix anything and everything and so this with a smile on your face and fresh homemade cookies too boot.

On a purely personal spectrum, my son had challenges with msg--a food additive/preservative which is now called 'natural flavorings'. It is in most brand name snack foods. When my son ate certain brnds of chips, he would become so hyper, I would have to peel him off the walls. He couldn't sit or still or focus on much of anything. We had to make certain that he was eating natural foods--lots of apples, oranges, carrots, celery, even brocalli--we had him pretend he was a dinosaur and told him the brocalli was trees. We did creme of wheat or plain non-sweetened oatmeal. We would sweeten it with maple syrup--now there is agave nectar, which you can get at costco or trader joes for cheap. This is also a naural sweetner, so the boday absorbs it like fruit, which has nutrients rather than sugar, whichis empty calories. Anyhow, the more natural his diet, the calmer he became.
I have more information for you that gets into the body of work that I do, so if you are interested, send me a private e-mail and we'll connect when I am back in the states.

In the mentime, give yourself some space--when you are feeling frustrated--go hit a pillow--NO, I AM NOT KIDDING, then come back and love your son and yourself exactly how you both are and exactly how you both are not. Consider yourself hugged and appreciated for how much you love your son.

You might want to have your harmone level checked. I was like that two years ago, threw temper to my kids. I knew I was wrong but I was still doing it. It turend out that I was depressed back then. (my particular situation caused by Mirena, a few months after I got it removed this past summer, I was fine and can control my temper now).

Mom with two boys, just turned 3 and almost 5.