How Did You Know You Wanted or Did Not Want Another Child?

C.,

I am from a family of four children and parents who never had enough money to afford any of those nice things you want to give your son. My husband's parents stopped having children at two so they could afford to send them both to college and provide them with a bright future. My husband's brother is eight years older than him and left his home country for school in the states when my husband was 10, so they were close, but each felt like an only child.

I can't say that my husband or I had a better childhood or a brighter future (we are together, after all). We both managed an education. My sister and brothers are doing well too. My husband's brother is a school teacher and sings in a band. He and his wife have two beautiful children. We each count successes and failures in our lives and none of us credit or blame our parents’ decisions.

I guess what I'm getting at is that you can offer your son whatever you want, but he's going to become what he's meant to become. One life experience isn't necessarily better than another if you stop to think about all the possibilities out there. There are people everywhere (including parents on this site) who struggle every day just to survive and cannot provide great things for their children. But that doesn't mean their children have had or will have "bad" lives.

You saw how quickly things changed for your family when your son had all those medical problems. But you made it through. And you could do it again. You will love your next child just as much, even if she (or he) is the polar opposite of your son. You should decide on what you really want, not what you think will work.

What do you truly desire, in your heart? Nobody else can answer this for you.

Also, you didn't mention how your husband feels about all this. Does he know what he wants? I'm curious. Your situation is very difficult. I'm sorry you're own health issues are forcing you to decide this right now. My husband and I want another child, but we have the luxury of waiting until it feels right. I don't know how you feel about God, but I will pray for you. I hope the answer you need comes soon.

Sincerely,

T. Q

A couple of things, I wanted another child three months ago, and now I don't. I am whimsical on my decisions which is why i set a time line. New house, then after a year of being here (we just moved in) to see where we stand.

Obviously you are under more pressure because of surgery, however, perhpas health wise it is best you do what is best for you and your son. If your son needs your attention right now then that is what he needs. Another baby AT THIS TIME may hinder his development.

You can also adopt if you feel God wants you to have another child, and there is always miracle pregnancies that happen later on. Place faith that God will give you what it is you are meant to have and focus on what you have at present. I didn't want children until I had mine. I had no idea...

Financial strains are the number one killer of marriage. Trust me, I've been on every government program there is and have just finally reached a good spot in life. It's been a long road and two kids later, I have made many sacrafices myself.

Those sacrafices were only choices I made to better the lives of my children. If another baby will hinger your sons learning or if there is a serious health concern to you or the new child, you should consult your doctor about what the likelyhood of success would be (i.e. a perfect baby).

I hope that helps.

p.s. I never thought I could love Abigail the way I love my first born. I thought that I wouldn't know what to do with her and could never picture her in my life. She turned out to be just want I never knew I wanted.. a little girl! You will love all your children the same... even if you think you can't.

J.
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Hi C.,

Your fears are valid. However, try to think positive. Negative thoughts can manifest themselves, and so can the good. Let go those fears and live each day, one at time. Now, do both of you want a second child? Next, you would love any child of yours the same. I have 4 and each is different. One is developmentaly delayed in his social skills (acts more like a 3-4 yr old and he's 6). I love him just as much as my first and second and fourth! We give them what we can, and they have enough. Sure they don't have everything they would want! That's okay. If you feel you could handle the demands of two children, then go ahead and try. A baby will demand all your attention at first (healthy or not). In every family, a new baby changes the dynamics. If you do indeed become pregnant, you can address that then. Until it happens, don't fret it. Good luck!

M.

C.:
I'm sorry that you're having to make this tough decision. And of course no one is going to be able to tell you what to do.
I can share with you about my history to let you know that things seem to work themselves out.
I wish I had more faith when I first got married. I went off the pill right away and the trying to have a baby began. After 9 months of trying, we had an early miscarriage that I took pretty hard. Four years and three surgeries went by. We went to drs and took medicine. In 2001 we got a phone call from a Mary Kay client of mine who wanted to know if we wanted to adopt her grandbaby who was due in 3 months. And that's how we became Sydney's parents. On Sydney's 1st b-day we found out we were pregnant w/ son Bailey and on his 1st b-day we found out we were pregnant w/ son Riley. Riley's 2 now (and would love to meet Dillon, I'm sure). It was a long road for us, but I know that I am blessed. Now I am a surrogate mommy, 4 months pregnant with a baby boy. There are many ways that children come to people and if it's necessary for you to have this surgery and it does leave you unable to carry a baby, there are many options out there. Ask a lot of questions and get more than one opinion. Can you keep your ovaries or even one? If not, can you freeze your eggs? Ladies who are 20 years older than you are starting their families right now. And while that may seem unlikely for you personally, it does happen. I've never once had regret for adopting Sydney, although I do wish that I had been given the honor of giving birth to her.
I believe that babies always put financial and emotional stress on their family. You are proving that you can make it work financially, though.
Oh BTW, I love all of my children with the same kind of mommy love, but differently. Have you ever had more than one pet at a time? You love them all, but love different qualities that they have. Sydney is my pal, she's my only girl. We paint toenails and she goes to ballet. Bailey looks just like my husband. He's a lover, thinks he's my boyfriend and gets upset when I love on anyone else. If I need love, he's the one I go to. He likes surfers and pirates. Riley is a little on the Bam Bam side. He's infatuated with the skateboarder kids outside. He likes to jump off of stuff and ride his brother's skooter. He is a comedian and loves to make you laugh. They're all so very different, but they're all so very loved. And I NEED them...ALL of them.
Hope I helped some.
B.

Wow you have gone through so much at such a young age. I really can't give you much advice since I think it is ultimately you and your husband's decision. But I can tell you, don't worry about not having another child for the sake of your son. I too thought I needed another child. I have a 21 month old son. But if it doesn't happen, I'm okay with it. Plus I've read that single children often can be more content and excel in school. As long as you give him the love, the direction, and the capability to learn, I think he will do just fine. I'm glad to hear that things are on the upswing for you. Also, if you do decide on another child, please ask your OB/GYN regarding getting an amnio done due to your current child's problems. Typically they don't request this unless 35 to 36 years of age when your baby will be born. I had one done since I was 36 when my child was done. It was not painful at all and very quick. Best of luck.

I waited a few months and rediscovered my son, then decided I would like a sibling for him.