My youngest daughter got married in early November at the age of 25 after living at home still. I had thought that we had a pretty good relationship. I love her and was always there for her when she needed me. We saw them at Christmas, but since then she's distanced herself from us. Doesn't answer phone calls or emails most of the time. I have tried not to contact her often, I do not believe that I'm overdoing it. I've stayed out of her business. I email my older daughter, who's been married just over a year, a few times a week with a few lines and we just chit chat, I thought that my younger daughter would do the same.
I told her that it hurts that she doesn't want to be in touch at all, and she said I had her for 25 years and now she just wants her friends & husband, and wasn't all that nice about it. I admit that I don't understand since I never felt the need to distance myself from my mom when I got married. I've asked her for her guidelines on communication and she doesn't answer.
What should I do? Just stay away and wait for her to need something from me? I have fears of her never wanting to be part of my life again. But I don't want to be treated that way either. I think I just miss her, and I've told her that but it doesn't help.
Thanks to everyone for the advice. It seems like I just have to stop being a mom after 32 years of being a mom. Not the easiest thing to just quit doing. But I'm going to leave her alone and wait for her to come to me. I am so happy that I never felt this need to distance myself from my mom, because now I know how she would have felt if I had. She took the cat with her when she moved, so I'm going to get another one. That way something will need me, lol.
Cut the cord, Mom. She's trying to establish herself and her new life. Nagging her won't make you more endearing to her. Unless you've treated her like this for a long time, there's probably no reason for her to not want you in her life, but she probably just needs some space for now.
Let her focus on her husband. Let HER call you when she thinks it's right. Not when you do. There really isn't a need for her to call multiple times a week. Does she work/is she a mom/ If theres a yes to either one of those answers chances are she wants to spend off time with husband.
Now that doesn't mean I agree with her. I don't at all. I talk to my mom probably twice a week but it's because sometimes you just have to lay off.
She is young, immature, and trying to fine her way. She may be 25, but since you have been supporting her and she has been living at home she is really no different then an 18 year old just leaving home for the first time. Just give her space, but don't let her treat you poorly either, If she only comes to you when she needs something, then you may be the one who needs to set boundaries so she does not take advantage of you.
Time for you to find a hobby or a job to take your mind off your daughter and what is going on in her life. You need to find out who you are again without any children around. I know this sucks but welcome to the new part of your life after children have left the "nest".
Your daughter is experiencing being on her own for the first time in her life. Most women now days do this when they rent an apartment and move out of the house. Just be there for her when she gets her wings stretched out.
Whatever you do, please don't become like a poster we had a while back about constantly calling and texting her daughter to the point where her daughter would not have anything to do with her.
Becoming a woman on your own again is great. Concentrate on things you want to do and enjoy life.
the other S.
The bible instructs we must leave and cleave. Leave our parents and cleave to our spouses. Just because she is choosing to do this differently than you and her older sister did, doesn't mean she is doing something wrong.
Best,
F. B.
Back away and understand that she's trying to find her place in the world. She'll come back around. This really has nothing to do with you, personally. Though it hurts, I know, this is about her finding her way and figuring out "being an adult."
Best,
C. Lee
She is just now feeling the freedom of being an adult. Give her time and space - lots of it. I guarantee that at some point, she will open up the communication again and your relationship will get better. At some point, she is going to want some advice re marriage, or children or just life itself and she will seek you out - but ONLY if you give her the time and space she needs right now. And don't complain to your other daughter, her sister, because sister will undoubtedly tell her and that will be just as bad or worse than you calling/texting/e-mailing her. Time to just suck it up and be strong!
There's more to this story. Were you guys really close or just ok?
Let he live a little. Keep sending check in emails and voice mails (maybe once a week). Soon things will calm down. Chances are good when she gets pregnant, she will all of a sudden want you back in her life.
She's being an adult fully grown woman who's living her life.
Let her be.
She'll come to you eventually.
You just need to get busy being an adult fully grown woman who's living your OWN life.
The thing about nests is - they are temporary - every year the birds abandon them once the chicks have fledged.
You had a life of your own before you had kids - you need to resume living it.
Take some classes, go dancing, volunteer, take up a hobby, join a bowling league - get out there and do interesting things and meet interesting people.
Then when your daughter does call - you've got things to talk about.
I talk to my Mom about once every 2 weeks.
That's plenty for both of us.
Granted there wasn't email back then but once I moved out at age 21, I only spoke to my parents I think once a week. That seemed the norm for my friends. Same for the prior 4 years of college. It was only after having kids ourselves that we all said we wanted to talk to our moms again every day! I'm sure it's really hard but she's transitioning so I'd just back away and be there when she calls. Must be so hard but seems like what you have to do. She extended her time with you so this is more of a rude transition than normal but overall probably not unusual. Likely a bit of a phase too as she gets used to being married which is a huge adjustment.
Quick question. Is younger daughter a "chit-chatter" like her older sister, or has she always NOT been a chit-chatter?
Your older daughter is 1)older, 2)married longer, 3)possibly more secure in her roles as adult/wife, etc.
Younger may be swinging too far away to "establish herself" as wife/adult/independent. She was with you till she married. She's overreacting and it sucks, but it's not necessarily you specifically. Just the idea of "I must be my own woman", etc.
So, try not to take it personally. Let her have some time to adjust. Stretch out the emails to maybe once a week or every 2 weeks and keep them light. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so it's possible that if you step back and let her be an adult on her own for a while, she'll grow to miss the new ADULT relationship with mom. It's a new relationship for the both of you. Try to take that to heart.
She's redefining your relationship. In order for that to take, she must pull completely away from what it was in order to see who she is, if not your daughter. If all is generally well between you--and you don't make her feel responsible for tending to your need to communicate with her--then she'll be back to start over with you as an adult. It's not about her not wanting to talk to you. It's about her learning how to wear multiple hats--(new) wife, future mother, neighbor, friend, employee, sister--as a grown-up, which she's never truly been.
I'm sorry that it hurts. Don't bring it up anymore, though. It'll make her either feel guilty for not being available to you or callus herself to your feelings in order to stay on the task of growing up. Neither would be healthy.
Sounds like she's trying to figure out who she is as a married woman. I am sure it's normal. I am glad that you do have your other daughter to talk to! Just keep your head up I am sure she will realize that she needs you and when she does you will be there for her.
I've always been very close to my parents. My siblings have, too, but I'm the one who seems to talk to them the most, even when I didn't live close by.
Don't worry about what's normal. For some it's once a week, for others it's once a month. There is no right or wrong, just what works for both of you. Even though it's hard, you have to try not to compare her to her sister.
This is something the two of you need to work out together. Christmas was just a month ago, so it's really not that much time. Maybe just reach out to her once a month, but try not to pressure her. She needs to find her own way right now.
Well I don't get why your daughter is doing this and I would be devastated if my daughters did this to me. (My daughters are only 10 and 15). Addtionally, I talk to my mom pretty much every day.
I don't think there is much you can do but back off for now. I really hope she comes around soon though.
Great advice from the other ladies but I want to add that make sure when you do talk that you are treating her with respect and as an equal. She is your daughter but she is also an adult with her own life away that doesn't really involve you anymore. Be sure to not treat her like a child. Personally my mom lives 10 min away and I talk to her maybe once every 6 weeks. And I lived with her until I got married at 25. My husband is my family (and kids now) and my mom is a relative. I'm busy too I don't have time to talk with her about mundane things. I've got too much else going on.
She is just trying out her wings of indepenence.
And it feels good, fun & new.
Don't take it personally.
It's not that she doesn't love or need you anymore, she is just the self-
sufficient, independent person you brought her up to be.
She's also newly married so she is enjoying time w/her new husb, setting
up house etc.
Give her some space & she will come back around to you. Let her have
time to relish her independence. She is busy & having fun. This does
not take away from the love she feels for you nor from your relationship.
Encourage her by giving her space then being there when she comes
back around.
Do not take it personally if it takes a long while to come back around. It
could take a few years.
Don't take it personally. Instead know that you did your job very well.
Excellent in fact.
Then take this time to do all those things you didn't have time for while
raising a family.
Get back to you. Give back to you.
Treat yourself kindly.
Keeping busy helps AND it is fine time you took care of YOU!
Call old friends to meet up for coffee or lunch, meet new friends, take up
a hobby, take a class, travel somewhere you've always wanted to go,
take yourself to a nice lunch & shopping buying something you could
really use and like but wouldn't buy yourself before.
Write letters, organize your house. Turn a room or corner of a room of
your house into your space (a gift wrap area, a cute office corner w/a
cute desk with pretty accessories).
Make new recipes
Take a cooking class
Look for new clubs in your area through the library (book clubs, dinner
clubs, walking clubs).
Pick up a catalog from your nearby college caumpus & take a photography class or foreign language class just for fun.
Take a hip hop or dance exercise class at a nearby gym.
Look for groups to join in your local circular. (walking clubs, hiking groups)
Rent movies your family would hate but you can watch all by yourself
w/o grumbles or interruptions.
This is phase 3 of your life & you're going to love it! There's before kids
when we are single & having fun, marriage AND kids when he enjoy our
family life then post kids where we get to enjoy the fruits of our labor. We
raised our kids well, they are having fun, living their lives & are resp,
contributing citizens. So you get to take the time to read, go for long
walks, rediscover yourself, treat yourself, pick up any new hobby you so
desire. Embrace it & enjoy it. Your kids will come back around just give
them some space and time.
Best wishes. Now go have fun & enjoy. Get busy!!!! :)
Although she was frank, she explained it quite well. It is time for her to be free, be an adult, branch off, and sprout her wings.
She will come back around in time. She just seems to need a little space. It is important and healthy for the two of them to learn to support each other in their new life together.
Not that this is what you are doing, but I have been free from a overpowering family member for some time now. Tragedy has brought us back together. As much as I love this person, I don't miss the control. I am many years beyond 27 and have been married for a petty long time.
She was living at home right up until she got married. Therefore, she is breaking away for the FIRST time. You HAVE to give her the space she wants (and deserves).
Most kids go through some phase where they want little or nothing to do with mom and dad. Most commonly it's in the teen years. It usually lasts around three years.
But if she never broke away from you up until now, she's having a sort of delayed adolescence, or doing the separating that she would typically have been doing earlier on.
If you have been a good mom and you had a good relationship, she will come back to you. But you will have to really refrain from bugging her and be very patient. You might be looking at three or so years.
This is what she's supposed to be doing -- separating from mommy and bonding with her husband. It's all a part of the natural cycle.
She'll come around eventually. Just get really busy with your life and have fun with your other daughter.
H. Looloo put it really well.
Wait her out. She will come around when she is ready. You said that she moved out at 25 when she got married. So now she is exploring life free from parents and doing her thing. It is OK. Back off. If you were a good mother she will long for you and call you. She knows you love her and will always be there.
