How Do I Explain to My Daughter About Her Dad and I??

I have had almost the same problem with my 8 year old step daughter my husband and i have had full custody of her since she was 2 years old and her mother used to disapear for months at a time but now is finally starting to get her act together (somewhat) and has visitation every other weekend. I am also a stay at home mom since we got full custody of her so she is very attached to me we started out with little outings with her mom because she would not let me leave her and i did not trust her mother with my daughter we would go to parks and all 3 of us played together we do not fight or argue in front of her as hard as that is eventually she has gotten to the point where she will go with her for the weekend but calls me a couple of times a day when she is away usually morning and before bed to say good morning and good night. The most imortant thing is to get along with the father as best as you can for your daughters sake and meet toghether so she knows you are not gone for good like dad does and has been that is what she is most worried about start slow and let him know this is what is best for his daughter and their relationship and tell him honestly it is because he has left for the military leave out him leaving other than that it will only start a fight. And make sure he will let her call you any time day or night I have gotten many 1am bad dream calls even if you need to buy a cheap prepaid cell so if you are running errands she can call you most phone companies have a forwarding service for no fee that way when she is gone you can forward your house phone to the cell # and she only has to make one call and she dosn't think you are out having fun with out her. I learned that the hard way we had to start from scratch because i wasn't home when she tryed to call i was at the grocery store with out her also if you have plans when she is gone DO NOT tell her what they are but you also can not tell her you are sitting at home being sad and missing her so much that gives her a guilt trip and she will feel bad that she is leaving you alone. I hope this has helped you. If you have anymore questions please feel free to email me anytime ____@____.com

Hi H., my son went through the same when My ex husband first separated. He was 4 at the time. It was suggested to me to have him talk to a counselor. It really helped. He learned to understand and communicate his feelings through play. My son actually had a diagnosis of Separation Anxiety. This may help your situation. I also learned that it was harder on me than it was on him. As he started to understand that he was going to go and it was a consistant schedule-it got easier for him AND me.

It's never an easy thing to go through....seperation. My daughter just turned 5 when her father and I divorced. My son was 2. Because they are so young and don't understand the issues, it's best to keep it at the basic. My ex-husband was never there either, but he wasn't in the military. He worked third and when he was with us, he was sleeping on the couch or dealing with a hangover. All I told my children was that we get along better being apart. I explained that they didn't like all the fighting and yelling, this way we don't have to do that (but if only they really knew the truth behind that one!!). Every situation is different.

It does sound to me that you too need to deal with seperation anxiety....you need to take care of yourself and give yourself adult time otherwise you will have your melt down too! Slowly ease yourselves into the seperation. I know it's not easy to deal with a crying hysterical child because they have to leave. My son does that still when he has to go, and we've been divorced for over a year. Reassure her that you always come back, that she can call you whenever she needs to. Send a favorite blanket, stuffed animal or toy with her. Give it only to her, not her father to carry. Don't let her know you are in pain too cuz they really can pick up on that! Part of the responsibility of handling her is also her fathers. He needs to keep her entertained and busy to keep her focus off missing you. You need your time, she needs her time with her father and her father should need time with her too. As hard as it is, if you keep running to her when she needs while at her fathers, she will keep the habit up. I've realized that when my children's father comes in his girlfriends van, he goes absolutely nuts, but when he comes in his own truck, it isn't as bad.

Good luck with your situation!!

OK this is going to sound hard to do...but you need to keep her at her Dad's house and just have a talk with her on the phone saying you are SO FAR AWAY right now but Daddy is there and he loves you. Something like that. If you enable this any longer, it will not help the father and your daughter bond, and that is VERY important. I am divorced...been for 8 years. My kids were 7,5,3 & 2 when we got divorced and the transition was hard, but mainly harder for their father.

Good luck! But I say "Keep her there at her Dad's, they need to bond"

J. ;-)

Hi H., as a single mother myself, I feel your pain. The most important thing to tell her is that it is not her fault that the two of you are still there for her and still love her more than ever. At her age, I would suggest that if the two of you can not stay together for "his visit" with her, then maybe someone else can until she feels more at ease with you not there. Not a bad idea to contact her Pediatrician for advice either.... visit the library for kid stories you can read together.... and journal all that goes on (dates, times, incidents, and keep it, it may come in handy!!!) best of luck!

H., you said that you and your ex are getting together to discuss child support and visitation - that's great! But I cannot stress enough to GET THIS IN WRITING AS A COURT ORDER. In Wisconsin, child support goes through the state, so they take it out of the supporting parent's check and then the other parent receives the check via the state. I'm not sure if its done the same way in MN or not, but this protects both you and your ex. If you're not getting support, its recorded with the state, and he's got records that he's paying.

You might sit down right now and have a great talk about Christmas and Easter and her birthday, but come Christmas, one of you may decide that you don't like what you agreed on to begin with, and that can cause problems. If you have a court order in place, you won't have to worry as much about that kind of stuff - you'll have it in writing, legal and binding.

(This coming from a stepmom of 2 who has been through a lot of this type of stuff in the past 4 years)

One other person said don't go and pick up your daughter when she's with her dad, and I agree 100%. I know it HURTS to hear your child cry and see her upset ... it hurts and it sucks, and you'd give anything in the world to take that pain away. But right now, this is a little pain that she needs to learn to adjust to. If you trusted your ex enough to have a baby with him and stay with him for 4+ years, you have to trust him enough to help her through this situation, too.

I wish I had some wonderful wisdom for you...but I don't...all I can offer my best wishes for you all. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Yes that will include you and her dad. Hopefully she will soon find a peaceful balance in her young little life. She can never have too many people that love her and I hope that he will be a healthy part of her life. God bless you all and I hope it works out for you all.

I don't have experience in this so I'm not sure what to tell you. I do think that she has anxiety partly because you may be with her 24/7. Maybe her anxiety will decrease as she gets Daddy time and less time with you? Have you considered family counseling where all three of you can discuss emotions? I think that may help. If he won't go for it then I guess it could be couseling for you and your daughter. Is she scared of her Dad is that why she may be crying?

What I told my son when me and his dad divorced is that we both still love him but we need to live in seperate houses. And then I told him how great it will be because he will have 2 homes instead of one. I also understand your pain on letting her go for visitation. My son hates his dads house and screams all the way over there. But there is nothing i can do about it. When his dad wants to see him i have to let him go and I cant go get him either.

H.,

I totally feel your pain. I separated from my 3 year old's father about a year and a half ago, and it wasn't easy on her. Her father and I fought a lot, and she remembered a lot of that. I kept telling her that her dad and I didn't want to fight anymore, so we aren't going to live together anymore. I told her it doesn't mean her daddy doesn't love her, but sometimes people just can't live together or be together anymore. It seemed to help. She had a hard time adjusting to visiting him at first, too, because I have sole custody and she's used to being with me all the time. It helped that I was able to drop her off at daycare before work, and that I came back to pick her up. She adjusted a little better and didn't have as much separation anxiety as time went on, because she knew I would come back and pick her up at the end of the day. When she had problems going to her dad's house I would call her at night to say goodnight, and to let her know that just because she isn't with me doesn't mean I don't love her or don't miss her. It seemed to help.

I didn't have much of a support system when I separated from her dad, and still don't have a large one. So I know how hard it can be. If you ever need to talk to someone or just vent to someone who knows what you're going through, feel free to shoot me a reply. Good luck!! :)

Hey H.. I am not sure about how to explain the whole break-up thing, but as far as her screaming when you are not there, I say GO GET HER!! I have a 3 year old who has never been away from me. I just started a day care job and he has to be in a different room. Well he is so terrified that he shakes all over and tells me he has a new mommy now. You know what? I am quitting my job. Your children HAVE to come first, and I don't think there is anything wrong with soothing them when they are hurting. Go with your gut and you, and your daughter, will feel better. Good luck and let me know how it turns out!!

Sorry to hear about your breakup. Divorce is never a good thing for the children, no matter how old. I can only tell you from the other side of being married to a divorced former military personnel and stepmother to his two kids, is that it will take alot of patience, assurance and support from both parents to continue to help your child deal with the situation. Even if she's 4, she knows and feels that there is something going on, especially if you've been having problems since "forever"...(trust me, kids that young are smarter than we give them credit for. Unfortunately it's harder for them to express their emotions or analyse what they are thinkig/feeling). This may be where her anxiety is coming from. I don't know if you are planning on going to court for child support and visitation schedules ("joint custody"), but it may serve your child's best interest. So, I'll leave you with three things (1) continue to emphasize that it's no one's fault, least of all your child's, (2) help your child focus on the positive and (3) make sure her father is involved, however you plan on doing it, whether it's a slow and natural progression or otherwise...good luck!

Hi H.! I seperated(for the final time - it's been 5 years)from my ex husband when my daughter was 4 and my son only 9 months, so hopefully this will help. Explain to her that mommy and daddy still love her but are not happy together and they want to be the best possible parents and to do that they need to be happy - try to break it down simply so she can grasp it and don't be surprised if in a few years she asks about getting back together and telling you that she wishes she had parents that stayed together - just let it roll off and reassure her you'll always be there and love her no matter what.
As for visitation, maybe your ex would be ok with shorter visits to get her used to it instead of overnights. Have him try taking her out to dinner or a movie or the beach or park for a couple hours and set her expectations so she knows what to expect. You might want to try leaving her yourself for a couple hours at a time so she gets used to being away from you and that helps it be less traumatic - or it did for my kids. It can also give you a much needed break so it helps everyone! Also make sure she talks to him on the phone and has a picture of him so she can see and connect the voice to his face. You could send a special picture of you with her, too.
Good luck, and feel free to email me if you want to talk more!
____@____.com

For the first thing you need to decide together on what type of relationship the father and your daughter are going to maintain. If he will be seeing her for every other weekend or whatever you TWO decide then it is time to slowely ween her from you. That means an hour at a time if needed. And then longer as she gets better. Do not just throw her into it. IF she is with you 24/7 that is not good for her when she starts school she will be screaming when she go's with anyone for any amount of time! I was also a single Mom for 5 yrs my son was the same way at first and it caused alot of stress on everyone including me! Somtimes you need to give her some space as well as you for you both to grow. Good Luck with the Dad my boys Dad still has very little time with them. But thye are oK with him for short visits when he comes around.

H.:

I agree with the first response and I want to add that this process could take some time for your daughter. The dad doesn't have much of a relationship with her and to build that trust level he needs to establish a role of caregiver. She needs to see that dad will be able to bathe her if necessary and cook for her and help her get dressed.....all the basic necessities. She can't express her basic needs at this age.

Maybe, you and the dad could work out a few days a week when he comes to visit her in her environment and plays with her and cooks her a meal etc. (this will take time, months maybe longer)

If you both aren't at that level of communication....maybe you could involve a counselor or a professional coach to help you both focus on your daughter's needs and what's best for her.

Court can help settle visitation, however they don't look at the child's best interests rather they split even visitation to both adult parties. Which could make matters worse for your daughter.

I think counseling is a really good step to take.....and it needs to be presented to the dad so he understands the benefits for his daughter....and both of you.

As for explaining to your daughter....keep it simple and truthful. As long as she knows both parents love her she will be able to transition.

Hope I helped

~K.

I had to respond to this because I totally know what you are going through....unfortunately my son was at an age where I didn't have to explain anything to him...he's only 2 so it's coming soon. His father hasn't been around for about a year (except for x-mas for and hour and his b-day for about 10 minutes) I was a stay at home mother and when I left him my son was 18 months old. It was really hard because not only had he lost his father, but also his mother because I had to go back to work full time (we don't even see child support so I wish you the best). He started daycare and let me tell you...it was harder on me than him!! Children bounce back quickly...it's just that the older they are the longer it can take. The clingyness and seperation issues will be there for a while, but they won't last forever. I wish you all the best and if you ever want to just talk or email feel free. ____@____.com.....I'm 25 and a single mother so I know what you are up against!! Good luck girl!!!!