My daughter 7, almost 8 in June has severe peanut allergies (anaphylactic). As a result, the school provided her with a peanut free table, where she refused to sit. (read my last question). We tried everything including rewards, consequences, to go to the school and drag her there but she physically fought me, and when she was told to eat at the office she ran to the cafeteria anyway and threw tantrums. Some of you answered to homeschool her, which I did and she was kicking and screaming for two months of homeschooling. Her personal tutor tried to get her to learn something and I got professional help because she refused to learn, did not do any work and refused to cooperate for two months. They did a mental health evaluation and on her and all week they kept asking her why she didn't want to learn and on Friday after 1 week of interrogation, she said she wants to go to school and sit where she wants to at lunch and I said no she can only go back there if she sits where she's told and she said no and she will not learn if she doesn't not get to sit where she wants. I am not comfortable with letting her sit where she wants but if I don't let her she will not learn and do work even at school.
She does not have ODD.
Yes I tried consequences. That just escalates the tension. Right now she just has a room with just a mattress and a few clothes and ZERO fun, no TV, no computer, no anything and no improvement. I also tried sitting there until she does the work, then she tantrums, and I order her to go to her room and she screams like a baby. Then I sit there until she does the work, which she doesn't. She keeps insisting she will do the work when she goes back to school and sits where she wants, but I'm not comfortable with that..
You need professional help. Her tantruming is not normal. Many five yr olds understand their allergy and take the needed precautions.
(If she has had a bad reaction to peanuts that she can remember, she should be willing to sit at the peanut free table to avoid that) Still at her age she should cooperate, something is wrong beyond an allergy. Maybe she hates school because she has learning differences??
It sounds like the child is majorly trying to control the situation. There are so many schools now that are peanut free. Have you looked into sending her to another school? Perhaps you could work with teachers to allow a few friends to sit with her at her table on certain days and bring peanut free lunches. She might be rebelling against the table, but she needs to understand to true consequences of having an allergic reaction. She will have to full responsibility someday of having to take this seriously on her own. I would suggest either working with the school, finding another school or counseling...or maybe all three.
As a teacher, your daughter needs help. I believe, based on your information, that you need some behavioral assistance. First she needs to be evaluated by a professional. Please do that immediately. You say she isn't ODD. How do you know? She's defiant to you and others. To the other people who've posted and think that the family should just send her to school... How do you think she'll behave in a classroom full of children? That's absurd and puts a lot of pressure and blame on the teacher and school. Your job as a parent should be to find out how to solve her troubling behavior, not push it off on a public system that's already stressed to capacity.
huh. sounds like a small girl with way too much power, who is making herself miserable because she would really like someone with calm authority and wisdom to take the burden from her.
my method? since i'm a homeschooler anyway, that's what i'd do. and i'd let her be as bored as she wants. no kicking or screaming or interrogating (i can't believe that all the mental health people did was go at her with that dumb question). i'd totally let her sit in that boring room until she was tired of it. then i'd enlist her help in designing a curriculum of subjects and materials that both interest her and covered necessary educational basics, and let her rip.
you can't STOP kids from learning. they learn with every interaction. but sometimes they learn stuff we don't want them to, like how to hold parents and the system hostage.
i would relieve her of this unwanted load.
khairete
S.
Has she ever seen anyone go into anaphalactic shock from an allergic reaction?
Has she seen them rushed to a hospital struggling to breathe or needing to be resuscitated or die?
If she learns ANYTHING, it's that SHE COULD DIE if she does not take her condition seriously and take precautions to avoid situations which might cause her to have a reaction.
Her behavior with her allergy is suicidal - and THAT is CERTAINLY grounds for a mental evaluation.
Asking her why she doesn't want to learn is the wrong question.
They need to ask she why she doesn't want to live.
Keep her home until she understands - really understands.
And she can scream all she wants - at least she's alive to DO the screaming - just get some ear plugs and she'll get hoarse eventually.
This is not the behavior of a normal 7 almost 8 yr old.
Something is wrong.
Keep talking with the doctors till they figure it out.
Your daughter needs to be scared straight.
Homeschooling her as a punishment isn't going to work. Of course she's not going to learn! She is strong-willed. You can force a child to do many things, but learning isn't one of them.
I think at 7-years old she does not UNDERSTAND the allergy. All she knows is that she has to sit at a different table. She does not understand the gravity of the situation. She needs to be thoroughly educated on her allergy.
When my SD was about 7, she went through a period where she would not wear her seat belt. Her mama would not make her wear one, so she didn't want to wear one in our car either. We tried everything, rewards, punishment, stopping the car, etc. She knew how to take the seat belt off, so she would click it off as soon as the car was moving. She thought it was FUNNY that we would have to pull over and wait for her to put it on (which she refused).
Finally we took her to a police station where she saw videos of what happens if you don't wear your seat belt. Some were kind of graphic for a 7-year old, but it WORKED!! She made the decision ON HER OWN, once she had the information, to wear her seat belt. She did not understand the gravity of the situation before, she only knew that she didn't want to wear it. She did not understand "accident" or "injury" or "death." She saw the slow-motion crash test dummy of the child in the back seat not wearing a seatbelt. She was crying when we left, but it made a lasting impact on her. She clicked her seatbelt on AS SOON AS SHE GOT IN THE CAR, and has never given us a problem since.
Your daughter needs to see a professional, like a doctor, and have her allergy explained to her in a way she understands. If you have to get graphic, get graphic. If you have to get scary, get scary. If you have to show her pictures and stories of kids who have died from peanut allergies, do it. There are lots of YouTube videos with stories like those. She needs to UNDERSTAND and BE SCARED.
In my opinion, this is the best service you can do for her. She will need to be careful her whole life, and you can't be there to protect her. My guess is she sees peanuts as something that is YOUR fault, something YOU won't let her have, and it's making her different.
My guess is she's in denial about it, and she's only 7-years old so she's doing it in an immature way (which is normal for her age). Even my almost 12-year old has a citrus allergy, and was in denial about it for a long time. She would say things like "you won't LET me have lemonade." Sometimes she'd drink it anyway, and then get a splitting migraine headache and she STILL wouldn't learn! Eventually it sunk in.
The choice to sit at a peanut-free table needs to come from her alone. It can't come from rewards or punishments.
Once she has accepted her allergy and understands it, then you can work on compromises. Can some friends sit with her? Can she be trusted to sit at a regular table and not touch any other kids' food?
My guess is she can't be trusted to sit at a regular table because she doesn't understand why in the first place.
I wish you luck!
A child does NOT tell you what she will and will not do. You and the school officials have given this child too much control and power.
You said she doesn't have ODD or any other mental concern, so I can only assume that she is extremely spoiled and that the older she gets the worse she will become. You need to put your foot down NOW.
Send her back to school, if she refuses to learn and do work, let them fail her. She won't do her homework...fine...she fails. I know that seems harsh, but hey. She cannot get her way, her health and life are involved; plus you don't want to set the precedent that if she throws a fit long enough, she will get her way.
She has to sit at the table there is no way around that, can her friends sit with her? I would assume that they know of her allergy so maybe they can bring a suitable lunch and eat with her.
Seven almost eight is too old to act the way she is. Honestly I would have her evaluated again, just b/c one person said she is fine doesn't make it so. People are misdiagnosed all the time. Also all you said they did is ask her what is wrong, that doesn't seem right. Have her re-evaluated.
Good luck and I would love to know the outcome.
ETA: I agree with Kim T. If she acts out in other ways, school may not be the place for her right now, again have her evaluated fully.
Ok, here is basically what is going on...
she absolutely HATES being different from the other kids... she just wants to fit in.
She hates having the peanut allergy that made her have the separate table....
I totally understand your fears about the peanut allergy and not wanting her to sit where she wants.
Has she been seeing a therapist? Right now, she needs someone to listen to her, and talk to her from a completely different point of view...... she doesn't want M. telling her what to do... (she is trying to control the situation herself, as you've seen).
I really think she needs to see a therapist that can get to the root of it all..... there seems to be more going on than the peanut allergy. No interrogation, maybe play therapy, or something, where she can just relax, and eventually talk to the person?
She's 7, not an adult. Her medical issues take presidence over everything else. There is nothing else to do. If she's going to act like this now and she gets away with it can you imagine how she's going to be when she gets older?
Good LORD! She'll be out until midnight at 10 years old and throw a temper tantrum until you give in. She's the child you're the adult. You have all summer to make this change. Make it happen. She should be in therapy.
If she's this strong willed she will be an impossible tween/teen. You have to figure this out now. Don't give in to her. Put her in therapy now. Don't put her back in school until she starts doing what you need her to do to stay alive.
She needs, to see a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist, for therapy and /or medication.
There is something wrong.
What did her evaluation say????
And, what are their recommendations?????
She is this way at home.
This is not normal.
AND even if she is in school, she will probably be that way at school too...in class/in the cafeteria/with the Teachers, with other classmates, etc. etc.
It may or will be a disruption... not only to herself, but to others too.
Because she has a "severe" peanut allergy... then the school has a separate table.
Is the school as a whole, a "peanut free" school? Or not? I think not, since they have a separate eating table for peanut allergy kids.
Does your daughter understand, her allergy and how life threatening it is?
It is only at lunch... that she needs to sit at a separate table.
For class and recess, she is or will be with her friends.
Lunch periods in school, is only for a short time.
Her behavior is not normal at all.
She doesn't like to do what is told to her.
That is just the minimum of her problems.
But it is a big problem, because, in an environment where there is a Teacher and other kids, she simply cannot act this way.
She is then, disrupting other kids and the Teacher. It is, disturbing.
And she... will be negatively affecting other kids and adults. At school. And she already does this at home.
There is a kid at my kids' school. Who just does what he wants. Will not, listen to anyone even the Teacher. And he acts like a bratty 2 year old even if he is in 3rd grade already. The Teacher can't even do anything, because, the parents will not agree to anything they attempt to help him.
But he is very disruptive. And he has to be kept to his own space. Even if that is on the lunch table or in the classroom. And, no one... likes him. He has no friends. He is, very difficult and chooses to be. And his parents, allow it. I don't even see, how he learns. Because, he won't even do his homework if he doesn't want to.
And yes, he will not, go on to the next grade level.
Behavioral problems on many levels.
Not just per the allergy to peanuts.
I'm a RN and understand. Your daughter feels "different" from other kids. Maybe someone who works at lunch can help your daughter find another table where there are no peanuts. There are a million ways to protect her. Find one that works best for her. I would also find another professional. Only criminals are interrogated.
Show her a utube video of someone going into anaphylactic shock. Make her watch and LISTEN. I find that "hearing" things affects me more profoundly than seeing them. And I agree that you should send her back to school. I agree with Mommyc that she feels more and more alienated by being homeschooled and that she was feeling a big ostrasized by being made to sit at that table - the table for "special" kids. She doesn't want to be seen like that; can't say that I blame her. But she needs to be made to understand that it's just not negotiable. Is she the only child at that table? Maybe one of her friends can sit with her. The lunch monitor just needs to ensure that the friend is peanut-free.
Good luck. I KNOW this has been a real struggle for you.
Does she understand why she must sit at a peanut free table? If no, then you might use counseling to help her understand her allergy and how it must limit her. I say to use a counselor because I wouldn't want you to totally freak her out.
The other idea is a reward system. If she behaves at the peanut free table 3 days a week then you come sit with her at the peanut table 2 days a week and watch her like a hawk...... or some deviation to that idea, but rewarding her so that she gets some of the "normalcy" she wants.
Maybe there are days her friends would avoid bringing peanut products to school so that she could have a day a week sitting with them, etc.... Keep working with the school to be more flexible and help out.
I have not read your other posts, but if she has no medical behavioral issues, just the allergy, then you've got lots going on here: 1) She doesn't want to sit at the peanut free table 2) She has complete control over you for all things with tantrums, which she should not be throwing at her age. 3) She's gotten so out of control that she's living a sparse condition in a no-fun room, she's "lost everything", and she's still bossing people around and refusing to do stuff and throwing fits.
Homeschooling only works well for disciplined kids, so I am not surprised that didn't work. Instead it acted as another battle that she won by not complying.
What this child needs is to have her room put back in tact, a positive loving environment, and FIRM IMMEDIATE consequences to her massive defiance each and every time she tries it. What those are for a child this age, I don't even know, but she should not even be ABLE to execute a tantrum while you sit idly by waiting for her to stop. The room stripping has had no effect and leaves you at ground zero. I would bodily stop the screaming after one calm warning the MOMENT she starts it EVERY TIME but 7 seems a bit too old for corporal punishment (though if my daughter was acting that way I'd certainly use it and whatever else it took). I would look into discipline books for very spirited kids in her age range. Maybe even Outward Bound or something over the summer.
Yes, she's frustrated about the allergy, but she's controlling you on so many other levels that the peanut free table seems like the least of the problems. Once you get her behaving you can deal with that.
This is way outside of the box, but I homeschool and I do a classical style education. But many of the moms in my network are unschoolers. Several of them believe the theory that kids need no formal learning until age 8-ish. They then do a very child-led style while remaining in compliance with state requirements. Maybe you should stop the school thing for now. Don't let her know you gave up because she manipulated you, but just pull her, restructure things in your home, focus on her behavior and try school again later with some more information under your belt. For now "Not Learning" is her big power trip.
If you find a way to take charge of your child, she should be able to handle school-peanut allergy or not- by at least second semester next year, maybe sooner. There is plenty of academic material out there for you to make sure she doesn't get behind, but she sounds invincible, so maybe forget the school work and focus on discipline for now. Something has gone outer limits in your home, and I would get help from a source that knows the entire dynamic. Any friends or family you can be totally honest with? A church? Good luck!
She is upset because she feels alienated from her friends and classmates. She doesn't want to be the one who has to sit at the special table and is probably afraid that other kids will laugh at her or gossip about her.
What I would do is talk to the moms of her four or five closest friends. See you if you can get them on board to send peanut free lunches so they can sit with her. Maybe not all of them every day, but making sure at least a couple of them are always able to be there. You could even come up with a formal schedule if you needed to. She might feel better about sitting at that table if she knows she'll have her best friends there with her.
Also, ask her if she is upset about the location of the table. Is it totally isolated? Is it near a stinky bathroom? Is it under a cold air vent? Maybe if you moved the table she would feel better about it. Maybe there is another child who also has to sit at that table, but who your daughter really dislikes.
She doesn't want to be homeschooled because it further alienates her. Now, not only can she not have lunch with her friends, but she can't go to school with them either. Of course she would be angry with you and refuse to do her work.
How well does she really understand what anaphylaxis is and how she would react if contaminated at school? Maybe she doesn't get how serious it really is. Go on YouTube and find some videos that talk about it, and that might help. Here are a couple:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyoiRkDGPT0 (this one features an eight year old girl)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nd-XV4f_
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbwulV4FhbA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxU-wm-Cfoc
Obviously she needs professional help.
And you need guidance from this same therapist.
This is already a struggle for her with ODD, so then put on top of that this allergy, which may be more of a concept than a reality to her, she just does not understand.
Her ODD makes her want what she wants. No discussions, no bribes no punishments. None of this is in her brain. And so a professional can offer suggestions and techniques.
Being different is already a struggle, but then to be sent to sit away from the classmates, is just too much for her.
Not sure if allowing her to experience with a doctors oversight the reaction in real life would be possible.
My stepmoms great nephew is only 3. He had his first peanut reaction a few months ago. Ended up in an ambulance and then the hospital.. He is still talking about it. He in no way wants peanuts. If he hears a commercial about peanuts, he runs to his mom and yells, No PEANUTS! and points at the TV.. Bless his heart. He remembers not being able to breath and the choking.
First it seems like there is more to this story that is not being told. I would call some of her friends Moms and explain the problem. Then speak to school. Maybe they can have a friends table for her (do not call it peanut free). I can understand her not wanting to sit somewhere alone, without her friends. If school is willing to do this and the parents are willing to send in peanut free lunches, try it. If you see a big difference in her, that a great.
If there is no change in her behavior, then you need to start looking at other things going on in her life. So show, I am not sure that is the whole problem. But hey, stranger things have happened. Good luck.
I haven't read your previous posts but do you know the reason why she doesn't want to sit at the peanut free table? Maybe that can help you figure out a way to get her back to school and following the rules. Good luck.
Have you tried sitting down with her and drawing up a truce? She's clearly making herself and your family miserable because she doesn't want to be different. At seven, almost eight, I doubt she really understands the consequences of her allergy -- the suggestion of showing her a video might work -- mayber your doctor has more resources?
Admit that you're tired of fighting with her but you're scared that she's acting irresponsibly, which could lead to deathly consequences. Talk about how her tantrums illustrate just how irresponsible she is, and that's why, FOR NOW, she has to sit at a separate table. Work out a plan where she can progressively show you that she's capable of handling this new burden. Start with something easy like she has to do her homeschool work for a week, and then you'll enroll her back into regular school. Once at school, she has to sit at the other table (can't they find a way to put friends with her?) and be responsible by telling her friends that she can't be near peanuts, or people eating them. If she can consistently keep herself and her friends aware of this issue, then maybe you can revisit where she sits (with the school's permission and cooperation, obviously).
And lastly, maybe find a child psychologist to help her deal with all these emotions she's feeling. She's obviously overwhelmed by everything and the only power she has is to control herself. These are the kinds of issues that lead to eating disorders...
And although I'm usually a proponent of being firm with children re. rules, you have to have some empathy too. Remember she's just a scared little girl. Your scared little girl.
Good luck.
I'd like to know whats going on at the peanut free table that she doesn't want to sit there. Is she feeling singled out by teachers or other students? She of course wants to sit with her friends. I understand the safety factor but maybe there is a friend of hers who would be willing to forgo peanut butter sit with her friend at the peanut free table. My daughter actually did that for one of her friends at school one year.
I don't know where you are getting that she doesn't have ODD, but I have to say that I totally disagree with that. You need another professional opinion.
You also need to show her what someone with anaphylactic shock looks like.
Send her back to school. Ask the school to find chidren who don't have any peanut ANYTHING in their lunch to sit at the no-peanut table with her so that she isn't alone. If she still has a tantrum, tell the school to let her have her tantrum in front of all the other children. She will eventually figure out that NO ONE will want to be her friend because she is acting so awful.
She needs to have counseling for her ODD and her tantrums.
I would not worry so much about the academic learning right now. She needs to be in school and go by the school rules, no matter how much she doesn't like it.
Truthfully, there are rules to life that NO ONE likes. She has to learn that lesson, rather than being allowed to use her peanut allergy to manipulate people around her. That's really what she is doing.
Put her back in school, put her stuff back in her room, and get her help. Put her in her room when she has a tantrum at home, and ignore her. Instead, show her a lot of positive attention when she behaves.
Have you done any sort of consequence with this? Remove all fun stuff. no tv no computer , no video games, no going outside til she does the work? if she has tantrums what is the consequence for her? other than upsetting you and not having to do homework? in our home the kids had consequences set up. you missed your homework? no tv
you had a tantrum? sorry no outside play
you refused to do what you were told? sorry your life just ended and you became my personal household servant.
give her jobs. if she refuses to do them then a new consequence. take the toys and stuff out of her room. take away all of her comfort things. she will learn that the only real things that are a right in her life is to breath, eat and sleep. Everything else is a privilege all the rest is dependent on your grace and good will. reward the good behavior. and give consequences for the bad. and I beg to differ with your opinion of not odd. oppositional defiant disorder is a code for your kid is a pain in the butt. and that was a professional psychologist who told me that. .
