How Do I Handle a Husband Who Refuses to Discipline His 16Yr Daughter?

Well YOU married the guy. Why, if you have so little respect for him?
Also if she gets bad grades and has been expelled I don't see how she's still on the softball team.
Something here doesn't add up...

Why do you care? Really? She isn't your daughter, they aren't your grades, it isn't your school transcript that is being smudged with expulsions, and she isn't piercing YOUR nose whilst you sleep. Let your husband do what he thinks he needs to do - cook, clean, pack, whatever for her. As long as no one is asking YOU to do it, what does it matter? Your husband thinks he is a good dad for doing these things (and who is to say whether he is or isn't?). Getting in the way of that is a marriage ender. My guess is you fell in love with him because he IS such a good guy - loves people no matter their flaws or mistakes?

I guess the only thing I would try to get a handle on is the yelling. I would talk to him about the need to yell if he is going to help her anyways or at least not give any punishment. I am guessing that the yelling will stop once he finds out you are on board with whatever he decides to do about his daughter.

If the daughter is the problem, let HER be the problem, not you. Good luck - this won't be easy, but you really CAN let go of all this. You will be a much happier person if you do.

There is nothing you can do to make him do anything different.
Your best option might be to leave.

More information would help - what is the custody schedule? How long have you been married? Are any other children affected by her misbehavior?

I think you handle it much the same way you would about anything major you disagreed about. You sit down, talk it out and hopefully come up with a compromise - an arrangement you both can live with.

My husband and I disagree sometimes about how to handle our teens.If you put it into what you want to see as an outcome, as in a positive, it works a whole lot better than if you complain. Or just list the negatives.

It shouldn't be hard to show your husband that making her more responsible is in her best interests. If your husband and ex wife can't help their daughter to see this - family counseling may be helpful.

But if it's that you don't want to see your husband doing so much for her because it just bugs you - then, well ... as others have said, that's his parenting style and that's the man you married. You can't change people.

Good luck :)

You and he need to sit down and talk. This is his parenting style. He's not going to change.

What you can decide to do as a couple is take some parenting classes.

I love Love and Logic and my husband loves PCIT, Parent Child Interaction Training.

I think the PCIT is stupid and he thinks L&L is mean.

So we don't agree but we DID learn some good parenting skills regardless of not liking the whole shebang.

What parenting classes got us doing was communicating, actually, it gave us something to discuss, talk about, spend one on one together time. It helped us connect a bit.

I agree with J.B. don't nag or complain, talk to him about the fact that she will be on her own soon, and it is critical that you and he make sure that she has the necessary life skills and discipline to care for herself. She needs to be taught how to care for herself and manage in the world without her dad just like she needed to learn to read and write. He probably feels like he's being a good dad by doing so much for her, and really it probably also comes down to some sort of feeling of guilt for whatever she's been through, but he needs to put those feelings aside and understand that he is actually doing her a disservice by doing so much for her.

Does she live with you? Are there other kids in the home? Is there a mom in the picture? How long have you been married to him? Will he talk with you about her? Does he think he's helping her, does he think this is what dads do, or does he feel if he doesn't cause her any stress (like laundry, or walking the dog or doing chores or laying down consequences) that things will be calmer and she won't pitch a fit or run away?

You can't do much but talk to him. She's 16 and almost an adult. What happens in 2 years when she's an adult and can't do these things for herself? That may make a bigger impact than complaining about "you do everything for her".

In my home I typically do the laundry but each member is responsible for putting their clothes in the proper bin and put it away (assist with folding). We don't each do our own laundry...it's done together. We really don't have ironing but when something is needed, I normally do it (my son can and will do it...he had to in college anyway but my daughter is just 9).

I don't see an issue with him making her a sandwich but she should be able to do that for herself as well. She is definitely old enough to pack her own sports and overnight bags and care for her dog when she's home. Natural consequences are often the best, yelling not so much.

But I do get that it's all of these things combined...just pick the battles wisely.

You don't give enough info about your living situation but the answer is you probably can't do anything about it. How about endure it for a couple more years until she's out of the house.

If he does all that for her, and gives her no consequences, do you really think you're going to change his mind? You won't, not without a huge battle, and by then your relationship will be run ragged. Look the other way or go out of the house and do something fun so you don't have to witness it. It will end eventually.

You haven't mentioned what the house rules are. Does she live with you and is she suppose to follow your rules? Ultimately, it is his daughter, however, I would have a problem with younger siblings watching and learning from this behavior.

All you can do is talk to him.

As long as he is doing everything for her, this will continue as she gets older. How else is she going to learn to be independent, if he doesn't allow her. I'm sure he thinks he's helping her, but he is creating a monster. Then again, he might just enjoy doing everything for her. I don't know what you can really say to him to get him to see that he is enabling her poor behavior.

Enablers don't realize what they are doing after so long. It is what they are used to doing. And the person being enabled (the daughter) isn't the least bit interested in changing this arrangment. It's too easy for her to do nothing. Not a trait you want to see caried into adult life. Have you ever asked him why he does all these things that she is very much capable of doing? Does it give him a sense of importance in her life? You should casually bring this up and see how he responds. He may think that all dads so this, but they don't.

This would be an even more challenging situation if he also expected you to treat her like this also.

Where I live, if you don't maintain a certain GPA and stay out of trouble you aren't allowed to play sports. So either she isn't in that much trouble and her grades aren't that bad, or she isn't playing softball with the school.

Please read JB's response over again...she gave some really great insight.

Your options are fairly limited. Talk to him. If he refuses to change his handling of his daughter, you can either suck it up and stay, or leave. That's pretty much it.