How Do I Help Support My Sister's Choices?

I'm assuming she's a teenager. I was a hot mess when I was a teen. I would have loved for my sister to simply write me a note telling me she loved me and was here for me. Maybe try that?

does she say that's she's gay, or that she wants to be gay?
it's true that some teens do latch onto homosexuality as a way to rebel, but with our society moving in the right direction to accept and embrace modes of sexuality other than heterosexuality, it's becoming less of a 'phase' thing and more of kids understanding how they're hardwired.
i have no clue what's the case with your sister, and i don't think you do either. it sounds as if the entire family is focused on fixing her instead of actually listening to her.
lots of people love death metal 'screamo' bands that talk about all manner of silliness. it doesn't mean they're buying into it. she can enjoy whatever types of music she likes. clearly the screamo bands are giving voice to something she's having a hard time articulating, and it's probably not actually love of satan.
it's nice that your parents are trying different things, but flailing about trying to fix her is probably just frustrating for everyone. sometimes just listening without judgment or trying to find solutions can move mountains.
it would help if you would accept who she is right now as your 'real' sister. you can't turn the clock back, and you can't force her into some mold you find acceptable as the sort of sister you want. if her family welcomed the person she is instead of some ideal they're envisioning, it would be a step in the right direction.
khairete
S.

I suggest you tell her it's OK to be gay. Accept her as she is at this time.

Sounds like she's angry. Perhaps because of the way gay people are treated. I suggest you help her find a support organization in your community. Go with her to be supportive. Our local high school has a club for LGBT teens.

Most important is to love her. Be loving in spite of her irritability and withdrawal. Perhaps do nice things for her, such as taking a cup of coffee to her. She is likely to reject the coffee and you at first. Continue anyway.

I suggest she feels that her parents are rejectin her when they say it's a phase. It's likely not a phase. She's trying to work out how she feels about her sexuality. Consider that she reached out for support and her parents have rejected the possibilty. Your sister needs to have support while she figures this out. I suggest her parents are pushing her away.

I suggest you and, if possible, your parents find a support group for yourselves. Google to find them.

My suggestions are based on my thinking you're both teens.

So you are saying that you think your "real sister": is not gay, does not like bands that speak of hell and Satan, and enjoys going to church.

What if your "real sister" is the person you are seeing now, and when she was younger she was afraid to express her true self?

You have not said anything here to indicate that you do not think she loves you as a sister. So maybe you should try to be a good sister and be close to her "as she is now". Ask her to tell you about the music she is listening to, ask her to tell you about the girls she is sexually attracted to. Maybe even skip church one day and go for a leisurely brunch with her.

That might be better for your sisterly relationship than waiting around just hoping she will change!

Real sister? I don't follow.
Sounds like your sister is coming out - and no one is accepting her as is. Being gay isn't a phase.
If it were me, I'd let her know that you love her - as is.
That's usually the best route. I agree with moms below - being heard and understood is better than attention and silent treatments at reaching teens.

You sound like a very caring person. Your sister is growing up and wanting space...lots of kids want independence from their family for a while. This is natural even though I'm sure it is really hard for you and you miss how she was. You know it is perfectly fine to be gay. Tell her so. Say, sis, it's ok if you are gay! If she likes loud screamo bands that is fine too. I liked some crazy loud punk rock in my youth...I still like them actually! If she turns out to be not religious in life this is fine too...plenty of wonderful people are not religious. I am not and I consider myself to be a kind and giving person. I think you should work on yourself. Work on loving and accepting your sister for exactly who she is. She may grow up to have different interests than you in life and that is ok! One of my sisters is very different than I am but we just love each other and really enjoy each other when we get together.

Your sister sounds like she needs to see a mental professional.

Attention isn't always what is needed, they might try listening to her. She's got something going on and they aren't listening. Preaching to her won't help either. While I believe in God and know the importance of God, you can't make someone believe in something they don't believe in.

Church doesn't always solve the problem. If your sister is still in school? Go to the counselors and tell them what is going on and let them reach out and help her.

Sounds like you miss your sister. She's still there but she's growing and maturing.

If she is gay she is gay. What are you going to do with that information? Shun her? Love her anyway? Try and change her? The only rational thing you can do is love her and accept her.

Why not read the lyrics to the music she is listening to? I hate some bands sound but when I read the lyrics it's like poetry. Sometimes beautiful songs have a melodious tune but when you read their words they're awful and degrading and sad. Finding out what the song is trying to say is a major step.

I have a little friend who loves Lady Gaga. I have read the lyrics to her favorite song and I simply do NOT understand why this mom is letting her child listen to this musician. Her girl is only 9/10 and not really old enough for the content of that particular song. My friend says she thinks the song is about females being empowered. I didn't get that at all from the lyrics I read. But she's the mom.

As for the other stuff, all kids go through phases/stages where they try new things. Like goth, do you see many full grown adults walking around at work in goth makeup and clothes? No. Not unless it's a musician type of job.

Kids try out things. I loved purple and red together when I was in junior high but one day I looked at a photograph of myself and realized they didn't really look good together. So I stopped putting them together. If my mom or dad or siblings had tried to tell me that they clashed and didn't look good together I'd have thought they just didn't want me to express myself. I had to come to that realization on my own.

Your sister is growing up. You need to accept her and love her regardless of her choices. God loves her exactly as she is. Regardless of what she is doing. He doesn't have to love her choices but he won't stop loving her, not ever.

Sounds like your sister needs her sister to just hang out and be her friend and not her judge.

If your sister is gay, then it's not a choice. It's a biological reality, the same as your/her height, hair color, eye color and so on. So it's a good idea to alter the vocabulary of the discussion and not say someone "wants" to be gay. She may want to be recognized and accepted as gay, and she may want to stop being dismissed by your father as if this is a phase. Unless you are positive that her only reason for saying she's gay is to rebel against your parents' strong opposition, I'd accept her statements at face value. If she's alone in this and is lacking the support of others, she may be very alone and be struggling to find the right words to express herself, so perhaps she's using "want to be gay" as a somewhat naive way of telling you all that this is her "choice" - because she doesn't have enough enough help to understand she doesn't have to apologize for this. And if she's still questioning her sexuality (which is not uncommon as people sort of "come into their own" particularly in a hostile environment in their family and in the country), she she know that the LGBTQ initials stand for "Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning" (some also say "Queer" so that the community can embrace and "own" the word that is used by others to put them down).

Not going to church could be due to any number of things - some teens just aren't into that or don't want to get up early, some may find this a way to assert their growing independence from their parents, or perhaps the church your family belongs to is very anti-gay and preaches that this is sinful or something that should be changed. There are religious groups that support "gay conversion therapy" and the attitude that people can "pray away the gay" so that's obviously a very uncomfortable and unaccepting place for lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders to be.

Your parents are not consistent in their parenting philosophy, because they keep changing their approach, both giving affection and depriving her of it. That's only going to confuse her more and make her feel misunderstood and rejected.

It would be great if your family could find a PFLAG chapter (Parents & Families of Lesbians And Gays - https://www.pflag.org) or another support group where they could learn more and speak of their discomfort and inability to accept her. If she's in school and there's a gay/lesbian group, that would be a good place for her to start to have a safe place to start. You can check out PFLAG yourself to learn more about how you can help.

Just as you are maturing and learning who you are, your sister is doing the same. So looking for your "real sister" might be a good thing if it means you want your sister to be happy and not hiding in her room all the time) but it could be a bad thing if it means you don't want to accept your sister for who she is becoming if it is her true self. For example, when a teen or tween gets her first period and develops breasts and so on, it's natural for parents to sometimes wish they had their "little girl" back, the child who played with dolls and toys and didn't want more independence. But that's not realistic, is it? So wanting to go back to a time when your sister had to hide who she is or a time when she was not yet aware of her emerging sexuality is not realistic either.

Please feel free to talk to a school counselor to get help for yourself too! It doesn't sound like you have very understanding or consistent parents - they may be struggling with how to be good parents to someone who is making choices that conflict with their values or who is, at her very core, someone whose very real sexual orientation is not something they agree with. So they have some learning to do and some insight to gain as well.

Lots of 16 year old girls question or discover their sexuality and listen to alternative music. There is nothing wrong with either thing. Many teens also hide in their room with their laptop.

Why don't you ask your sister to spend some time with you doing things you enjoy together?

Your sister isn't going through a "phase," she is growing up. She's still your "real" sister. And you may find that in a couple years, you change in some ways, as well.

talk to her about whats going on in life, be there if she needs to talk and don't pressure her to change back.

She either is really gay and is shouting it to the rooftops in a home with people who don't understand, or she is rebelling against your family's conservative views and using this as a way to fight with the family.

Teenagers do this kind of stuff to their families for many reasons, though most teens don't use "gay" in their rebellion.

Your family could use some family counseling with a counselor who works specifically with teenagers.

How old is she?
Some kids go through quite a few changes through their teen years.
You can love your sister without loving her choices.
She might be gay - or not.
If your family can accept that - then she might decide to be contrary about something else.
She sounds a bit oppositional defiant, she really wants to go for the biggest shock value she can get and she's rebelling big time.
She might be mentally ill - or not.
It might be 'just a phase' or something she never gets past.

Like it or not - this IS your real sister.
Your parents have tried attention and then shunning - but not taking away her computer?
That would have been my first move.
Family counseling might help.

YOU on the other hand - seem to be in need of some attention yourself.
Your sister is being a big attention steal-er right now.
Talk to the counselor about it because I could see you trying to stand out by turning to negative things just to get noticed.
Do your best to be your own person and don't get caught up in your sisters orbit.
Sometimes people grow apart and there's nothing you can do about it.

so your sister wants to be gay? Okay. So what? She's making a choice. It shouldn't stop you from loving her. Doesn't change who she is. She's your sister, right?

It sounds as if your sister is confused, has had a traumatic experience (Has she been molested or raped?) and needs professional help.

I wouldn't force her to go to church. I realize she's your sister, but why not go for a walk with her and talk with her about what's going on. Getting away from the house and going for a walk might allow her to open up. However, keep in mind, if she's been raped or molested? She WILL need professional help.

Your parents need parenting classes. They need to learn to listen and not talk TO or force someone to do. Your sister can probably tell their attention is forced/fake and needs someone to HEAR HER.