I need some advice :) My son is 7 y/o and is playing football. He played last year and loved it and asked us to sign him up again this year so we did. He is on a competitive team with some very athletic, great little players. We tell Ty every practice that all we ask is that he goes out and does his best. The problem is I can tell he is not giving it 100%. He jogs when he should be running, he walks back to the huddle instead of hustling, he hits with only half his strength and effort (I know this b/c I have seen him and been tackled by him and I know how hard he can hit!). I had a heart to heart with him last night and asked if he was playing b/c he wanted to or b/c he wants to for us. He said he loves football and wants to keep playing and begged me to let him. What do I do? Keep him on the team even though he is not putting out his best effort? Do I find a less competitive league? Do I pull him from football? I don't expect him to be the best, the fastest, the hardest hitter, etc. But I do expect him to try his best and give it 100% and he's not. He admitted that to me but couldn't say why. How do I motivate him to give it his all?? I am on the fence about him playing football, so please do not bash our decision to let him play. I am looking for advice here. Thanks!!
**EDIT for Victoria** so far we have just been practicing for 2 weeks. He has the same coach as last year and adores his coach. The coach has even talked to him and asked him where his player from last year went.
Thank you all for the support and advice. I think what I need to do is "back off" as most have suggested. I don't sit at practice and watch his every move (I am usually trying to entertain my 3 y/o) but I am there and his Dad is the assistant coach ~ maybe that's too much pressure on him. My husband leaves the majority of the coaching to the head coach and does a really good job at not focusing all his attention on Ty but maybe it's too much. Maybe my husband needs to step down as assistant coach and then both of us just be there as spectators. We don't hound him or criticize him. Last thing I say, with a smile, is "do your best buddy". But I say that every day before school, before baseball, before soccer, before cub-scouts. That's my motto I guess ~ always do your best. I know he is only 7 and the last thing I want to do is pressure him. Thank you again for your help!
Keep him on the team and just step back and let what ever happens happen.
It could be he's not enjoying it as much as he use to so maybe this will be his last year.
Sometimes interests fall by the wayside and then they get interested in something else.
Um, he is seven. If he enjoys the experience then let him put as much or little effort into it as he wants.
Not all children are competitive.
At this age he's learning, he's having fun, it's a GAME, don't ruin it by making him work harder than he wants to!
I can only go by what you have written, Stephanie, but I hear the 'chop, chop, chop' of helicopter parenting in your request. If you become less involved in your son's sport, he may be able to become more involved, and for his own reasons.
I would suggest you leave this to your son and his coach. If he adores the coach, and the coach asks him for more effort, then he will probably figure out how to give more. But at some point, we can't "make" our children be what we want or expect them to be. We have to look at the person they are, and respect and accommodate that. And right now your son is someone who holds back a little. He's also a 7yo kid, with many, many years left in which to discover and develop his mature self.
Also, just in case you find this useful, here's an amazing article on How NOT to Talk to Kids, by Po Bronson: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/. It explains quite a lot about motivation in kids, and how the wrong kinds of encouragement can actually undermine their success.
Go sit on the bleachers and talk to the moms. Bring some ice tea and your crosswords and ignore what goes on on the field.
Make sure to bring plenty of water and Gatorade and a snack for after practice.
During the games cheer for his team like they are the Bears, well in your case the Seahawks ;o)
Then this spring try soccer or baseball. Next summer put him on a swim team.
Have him try lots of different sports.
Mine has done football, soccer, fencing, swimming, baseball, basketball. So far his favorites are swimming and fencing. He's 10.
Maybe he is giving 100 percent but it doesn't match up with what your idea of his best should be. I would bet he may be....
One: Tired. If his league practices in the late afternoons like kids' leagues do here in football, he might be physically tired by the time practices roll around. Kids here are practicing from 5-7 p.m. in August heat. I don't know why they don't collapse.
Or, two: Pressured to perform a certain way in a sport he likes. Whether he can say it or not, he is fully aware that you are disappointed in him, even if you never say so. Kids his age pick up on everything, every small frown, crossed arms, lots of questions about "Are you doing your best?" Instead of spurring him to "hustle back to the huddle" that pressure may be causing him to be more cautious and slower. Logical reaction? No, but he's seven. And mom (and dad?) are there watching his practices every time. Can you drop him off and leave and just pick him up saying "Did you have fun?" not "Did you do your best?"
Or, three: Pressured to be in a sport he doesn't really click with. Maybe despite what he says, he doesn't really like football well enough to hustle for you -- but if it's the only sport or other activity he's tried so far, of course he will tell you "I love it, don't take me out of it."
Kids strongly identify themselves by their activities: "I play football," I am a ballerina," "I like to draw stuff and do cartoons." He is already labeling himself from last year: "I play football, it's what I do," even if the label is no longer fitting himself. Football is what he does and he knows it's what his parents want him to do.
I'd ratchet the questions way down, and even stop staying for practices so you are not on the sidelines at all watching him. Let him play some more with no talk about how he's doing and probably finish the season unless he's miserable later. Yeah, you want him to stick out a commitment, but you don't want to make new commitments to something his heart isn't into.
Then when football season is over, try him with something totally new -- soccer, fencing lessons (yes, they do them as young as seven and it's a sport, not just waving sticks around), a martial art, drawing/painting/clay lessons, gymnastics, Cub Scouts, yeah, even dance if he wants, boys do dance...it doesn't have to be all sports or even any sports.
I'd back off, be sure his dad backs off too, and direct him to something else outside football season so he can test boundaries. He does not have to play football now or later just because he used to, and he (and you and your husband) are NOT "quitters" if he declines to play after this season. He's a child, not a professional football prospect in his senior year of high school. He needs exposure to other things. In some places other sports parents frown on parents whose kids "aren't on the team this year." Don't let that kind of silliness get to you. You as parents, and he as a kid, should not feel pressure to be "back on the team" because it's what he did earlier.
By the way, the coach saying "Where did my player from last year go?" OK, that's pressure. Gently put, but it also put your son on notice: "You're not as good as you were" is the subtext of that. If this league is for fun, what does it matter if your son is not hustling and playing like last year, unless the coach has his eye on trophies?
I agree with Peg. If he loves his coach he may follow his lead. At 7 he will come and go from different activities as well, he may just lose interest in Football but needs to do it on his own so he doesn't come back later and think you didn't give him a chance or something. I was in track, but phased out of it and eventually went to competitive dance, flags, and saber/rifles and stuck with that for 4 years all through high school. A lot of times the more parents try to motivate the more the child will feel "nagged". I'm not saying you are in particular or that we are trying to nag (our heart is in the right place), but I remember how my friend felt when her mom was always trying to motivate her, it actually did the opposite. I would stand back, let him do his thing, and read the article Peg posted. Maybe the coach could sit down and tell him he has to give effort or he won't be able to play. Those would be natural consequences and I think the coach has every right not to play someone who won't put the effort into it.
I don't think your husband should step down if he isn't focusing his attention on your son too much. I agree with the heat as some suggested too. Make sure he is drinking a lot of water at home so when he goes to practice/games it won't affect him as much. If it's too hot and he phases out of the football maybe find an indoor sport like basketball to see if he likes that better. I'm not sure how hot it is there, just a suggestion :)
I know that you asked a legit question - how do I motivate my child. That's a good question. We should all be trying to motivate our kids. You didn't say anything negative or give any indication that you ride your son and you did mention that you asked if he really wanted to play, so, I know you aren't forcing him to half heartedly do something he doesn't want to. Teaching your child to give thier best effort is not a bad thing! You seem engaged and supportive to me. I'm sorry you got answers that were less than helpful.
Is it really hot there? I dont want to give anything my all right now! Maybe when it cools down a bit he will give it 110%. ALso, is this just practice? Alot of kids walk through practice but get jacked up by the competition of a game. I dont know how to motivate, other than positive reinforcement. I praise when I see the behavior I am looking for. What my husband does is a face to face, eye to eye chat at the field. He says "you have to focus Isaiah or he wont really try." So a couple times during practice he calls my son over and they talk. It's usally some praisie and some instruction... Great job on that block, that's what I wanna see. Don't forget to square up on the numbers and next time try it with more power. now hustle hustle hustle" SO, he praises a specific good thing, not generalities and he gives him a specific thing to work on, along with the general, go team stuff. I see a huge differance when he does this and when he doesn't.
Find one or two times during the practice when you could tell he WAS giving 100% and praise him for those. Tell him how proud you are that he was really trying or really doing his best, instead of praising specific actions. This will make him appreciate the effort more than the outcome.
Positive Negative Positive- PNP Positive input with constructive criticism then more positive.
No do not take him out and no do not have your husband step down as asst coach. What is that teaching your child? That when things get a little tough you quit, that's what you're essentially saying here. Just because he's not the best one on the team you want to make every excuse and have him and/or his dad quit? Absolutely not...
You say he wants to play, let him play and be nothing but supportive for both of them. He's 7, he still has plenty of time to grow into this. We all want our kids to give 100% at everything they do, but when you start hounding them about it, what do you expect them to do? Give more, probably not...a kids response to that is to push back and not in a positive way. Why don't you not go to practice and let dad deal with it? My husband has always coached and that's his job, not mine.
He's seven? That's pretty young to commit to anything I think. Let him play at his level and will either step it up or decide it's not for him.
I know you are looking for advice and I would suggest flag football if he truly wants to play. Please look at the PBS special on kids and football. The rate of serious head injury with measurable cognitive function loss is horrifying - even in kids who have never had a suspected concussion. I would pull him out of football immediately - or put him into a flag football league. Not worth any child's brain.
Is this only during practices? Or during the games as well?
All kids have some "off" days. Could it just be that? Could his mind be elsewhere? Is he happy with the coach of the team this year? I think at age 7, you are reading a bit too much into it.
