How Do I Not Pick up My 8 Month Old When He Wakes up in the Middle of the Night?

I had 3 children. They are now ages 25, 20 & 14. And I rocked them all! Time goes by very, very fast. And I am glad I rocked my babies. You know best! Never give up the opportunity of love because of something someone else tells you.

I would keep picking him up if this helps comfort him. In time, he will outgrow this. I know it can be frustrating,but if this is the only ay to calm him then I think that's the best solution.

we rocked my first son, 3 yrs., to sleep in the beginning b/c he required it.. really, we tried not to, but he wouldn't go to sleep on his own (back then, we couldn't handle crying it out). we had to rcok him till he was almost 2 & I regretted not breaking the habit when he was younger. He also did the standing thing, I suggest going in & hugging him, kisses & say night night & LET HIM CRY!! everyone who does it says it really only lasts a few days to a week if you just stick with it!! Hang in there!

I haven't done that much reading on the subject as it seemed everyone contridicted each other. So i went with what worked as I was working full time when my son was little. I rocked my son unitl he was over two. But I did it all the time. i think that if it works and feels right for your family then that is what you should do as long as he goes back to sleep and stays asleep. I never could let my son cry for very long. So I recommend you do what feels right to you and your son.

I agree with Marie. I would rock my baby if needed. Just think how you would feel if you would be in your baby's place? This rule helps me all the time, then I don't know what to do. Just go in your baby's position.
If you wake up, maybe you want just to get a lit close to your mom? And then you are sure that you are safe and fall asleep.
I have 4 year old boy and 7 months old daughter. I am doing the same, and now even if my daughter wakes up in the morning , she is not crying just because she knows that I will come soon.
I would say, you need to go what you are feeling is right for you, but not for others. Each child is different.
Good luck!

My 10 month old does the same thing. He does not wake up too often in the middle of the night, but when he does he is standing up in his crib and wants to be picked up. I try laying him down on his back, but he pops right up and his cry intensifies. We go ahead and pick him up, change his diaper if it is necessary, and then rock him back to sleep. So far, us rocking him to sleep when he does wake up has not prompted him to keep waking up night after night. I think he just needs some reassurance some times. Good luck and just be confident in what you do b/c you are doing a great job.

I did this with my now 5 year old and my 16 month old. My 5 year old now goes to bed completely by himself and has since he was about 2 1/2. When they cry, I always pick them up and rock them back to sleep and have never had a problem doing this. Who knows, maybe they have bad dreams and can't tell you what is wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong with cuddling your child a little to make them feel safe & secure. In my experience, both of my boys have always gone right back to sleep, and neither have ever slept with me. Hope this helps.

Every child has their own unique personality. While you can often take generalized advice about stuff, in this area, your son is different. I don't think it's a problem to pick him up, calm him down and put him back to bed! Once he gets through his stage of necessity of standing up all the time (and who knows how long that will be) then you can begin to change your methods at that point. Letting your child scream indefinately is something I could NEVER do nor do I believe its psychologically healthy for him. Knowing he can count on his parents being there is a "security blanket" that he should always be able to fall back on! :) Keep up the good work!

I read through this after posting it and I realized that it sounds "all touchy-feely" and that I was on my soapbox. So, sorry in advance if I annoy anyone.

Let your baby know now that his feelings count. He'll grow up to understand others' feelings later.

Don't be afraid to pick up your son if you feel he needs you. He's only been outside of you for 8 months. Before that, you carried him non-stop for 9 months. He went from complete safety and the comforting feeling of being surrounded by you and hearing your heartbeat and voice 24/7 to being in an environment where he's not comfortable and he doesn't feel and hear you 24/7. I think that would be kind of scary to be dreaming of Mommy and waking up and not knowing where she is.

Don't worry about what the experts say. They don't remember what it's like to be a baby. If you feel you need to pick your baby up and rock him, then do it. Babies cry because they can't use words yet. Your son is standing because that's as close to you as he can get on his own. Both of my children did this as babies. They needed to be held and reassured that my husband and/or I was there. Sometimes we both went in together. As the Mommy and Daddy only the two of you can tell what kind of cry he is using: I don't want to be alone, I'm scared, had a bad dream, I rolled over and hit my knee against the rail and it really hurt but won't leave a bruise, etc. They learned to comfort themselves by playing for a few minutes here and there and then for longer times DURING THE DAY while I cleaned or picked up toys or did laundry and walked through the room they were in and spoke to them or touched their heads, etc. They slept the night most of the time as they got older, but I picked them up if I felt they needed it when they did wake up.

My husband and I also allowed them to sleep with us. The studies that "the experts" use to tell us not to co-sleep are not detailed enough. The reports that they have combined conveniently leave out that the parents who have rolled over on their babies are usually heavy drug users or extreme alcoholics and are too out of it to feel their children underneath them or that they allowed slightly older inexperienced brothers or sisters to sleep with the babies. Almost none of these are responsible sober adults. We NEVER even almost rolled over on them. If you study other cultures you will see that the babies almost always sleep with the parents. It's much easier when breastfeeding as well.

This thing about letting your baby "figure the world out on his own and comfort himself" is for the birds. If you want your baby to be compassionate and feel for others then show him campassion and that you feel for him. If you want your son to turn to you as his guide and helper as he gets older, then show him today that you are there for him now. My kids are 8 1/2 and 5. When they need simple reassurance that I'm there, they come over and give me a quick hug, kiss or "I love you, Mom" and then they're off again. They are very independent because they know we're there for them. Even if they are off somewhere with friends or family, they know they can just call and get a verbal hug if they're having trouble sleeping at a friend's or relative's home because we were always there in the middle of the night when they were babies. They are caring towards each other and to others. When they see ANYONE sad or crying (even me if I'm watching a sad movie) they will come over and hold me - my 5 year old son will even bring me a tissue and ask if I'm okay, then he will hug me and say "don't cry, Mom, I'll give you a kiss to make you better". He learned to comfort because he received comfort. They learn from us. If all they hear is "get over it, make youself feel better", then how will they treat friends and pets now and their own kids later?

My kids have little trouble going to bed when I tell them now. There have even been times that I've gone looking for them and realize that they got tired and tucked themselves into bed in the middle of playing about an hour or so before bed time!

So, enjoy holding your son while it lasts. It goes by way too quickly!

If you want to pick him up, don't worry one bit about what others say. You are his mama, you know what he needs. He has not been in this world very long and he will not need you like this forever.

Rebecca D said it best. He is your baby and will not be a baby for long and you don't want him to feel that you are not there for him. If you are feeling you are doing the wrong thing, then 9 times out of 10 you are and if you feel comfortable with what you are doing, then go with the flow. It won't last forever. Do what your heart tells you to do.

I wouldn't worry about what the 'majority' thinks & go with your mothers intuition. If it helps/works to rock him back to sleep & YOU feel good about doing it...then do it! He's only 8 months old, not 8 years old. Just my opinion. Good luck!

I have 3 children and grown up now. I always picked up my babies at that age and rocked them back to sleep, they need to be assured you are there for them. They total rely on you for their food, shelter and love etc and need to know you are there.
My grown children are very independent and close to us as parents.

Yes a baby cries because he can't talk. He may have a tummy ache or be hungry. 10 minutes is a long time to let him cry. Pick him up and don't worry about it. Take him into your bed and he will be much happier. They are babies for such a short time. 8 months is still really very young. I always felt that sleep traing is something left for a bit older. I never let my two babies cry and they are not bad or spoiled kids now. They sleep all night now, and they are 5 and 3years.
Good luck.
W.

Yes, I have had the very same problem lately. My 10mo did exactly the same. It took a bit of work, but what worked for me was lying her down, and keeping my hand on her constantly, and whenever she tried to get up, I would push her gently back down, and firmly say 'No'. I don't know about your son, but my daughter would still be asleep when she first stood up, and was all confusion as to how she got there. It just took her a little time to learn. Pat your sons back, and continue to tell him no until he falls asleep. He will probably fight you, and yes cry, but it will work if you are consistent. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Hi L.,
I never was one to just let my son "cry it out"! It broke my heart I always rocked my son. He is 5 years old now and doing great. He goes to sleep on his own. He is a very happy well rounded young man. Your son just may need a little reassurance from you. Think about it he is in this bed with bars all around it. Enjoy rocking your son, they grow up so fast and one day they stop needing us so much. Treasure this time, for he is trully a gift from God!
God Bless,
K.

Wow, if you weren't confused before, you probably are now! :) My daughter is not quite 8 months, and is not yet standing, but I have had some of the same frustrations and insecurites about when she wakes up in the middle of the night (or the middle of a nap). I worry about creating a pattern of her needing me to go back to sleep every time I go to her. I use the BabyWise methods in my own way. That does not mean that I let my baby cry for extreme periods of time or that I never check on her. What I try to do is help her get back to sleep with as little involvement from me as possible. That being said, while she was teething, she needed a little more loving and cuddling and reassuring, so that's what I did. I picked her up on some of those nights when she would not go back to sleep on her own. It did not create a long term pattern of needing that. I think that you probably already know what will work best for your son and you might even already be doing that. I thought the idea of swaying with him a little without picking him up sounded really good too, for what it's worth. You will be fine and so will your son because as far as I can tell, he has a great mommy!

As the mother of 4 ages 11, 8, 6 and 18mts, I say pick up your baby. I have and always will disagree with those who say to let the child cry it out. All of mine woke up at various stages throughout the night and I always picked them up and made sure they were dry, and comfortable. Sometimes they are teething and are waking because they are in pain, sometimes they are growing and need a little extra to settle their stomachs. So once you know your baby is safe, and happy then you both will be able to sleep better. After all what is wrong with cuddling a cute little 8 month old? What works best for one baby will not always work best for yours and you have to find what is best for you and your family.

Girl, I feel your pain! I went through the same thing. This particular part of babyhood and mommyhood is no fun.

You pat his back and reassure him WHILE he is standing up, then walk out! Just as you would if he were laying down! And with each visit, you stretch it out longer and longer and longer. Our babies train us well. They train us to come in and pick them up when they cry. We have to train them to comfort themselves instead, falling back to sleep on their own.

Some even say this is the starting point in building self confidence in children......

Good luck! Be strong, you can do it!!

I understand your frustration, my son is 14 months old and still stands up and cries in the middle of the night. I have to go in and lay him back down and walk out of the room. I don't say anything- I just go in- lay him down and walk out. This has worked so far as he doesn't cry- but he is SO STUBBORN that he will stand up and fall asleep standing up if I don't lay him back down. Some nights it's only once, some nights it's 5 or 6 times in a row... It's very frustrating for me and him because neither of us are getting the quality of sleep we need. I'm just hoping as he gets older he grows out of it... But I have noticed if I give him a nice big bottle of milk right before bed, he sleeps longer.

Good luck :-)
M.

hi L.,
try feeding him a little more at bed time maybe he will sleep all night
L.

I'm going to say something that some people may not like at all...I think the idea of an 8 month old having to cry himself to sleep is cruel. If your instinct is to hold him...than hold him! The "Baby Wise" way of making a child cry it out only teaches the child at a very young age that his mother doesn't care if he feels secure or happy...that she isn't worried about his well being at all. The baby wise babies do still wake up...but they have learned that mom and dad aren't going to comfort them. This flies in the face of sensible parenting and building a good bond that teaches a child security, compassion and love. It is a very good habit in my book to hold your baby every single chance you get!!! He will be pushing you away before you know it...and that is far more healthy than to lay in bed and fuss quietly because he knows no one is coming! Here is a web site you should take a look at... http://www.ezzo.info/

Never let someone else tell you how to be a good mom...listen to your own intuition...you're doing just great!

they're only small enough for us to hold them for such a short time... enjoy the moments while they last. i am in the same situation and for as frustating as it is, every night i remind myself in a few years i will not be able to hold and cuddle my kids like i can now.

Hi L.,
Your baby needs you at night just as much as during the day. Try reading the book Nightime Parenting by William Sears, MD. My babies are now 12 and 21 and I never let them cry it out at night. They cry for a reason- they are lonely or need comforting. I took them in my big bed with my husband and me, or rocked and nursed them to sleep and then put them in their cribs...I was exhausted, but I'm so glad I did that....This is a tough one, but I see how well adjusted and secure my kids are now.
Listen to your heart and ignore the people who tell you to let your baby cry. Before he can talk this is the only way he can communicate his distress to you. Why would you ignore it?
Let Dad share this comforting at night with you.
Good Luck!
D.

The western philosophy is to respond minimually to your baby. Sometimes babies need comforting. Every baby is unique. I nursed all my babies back to sleep in the middle of the night and they would go back to sleep immediately. An 8 month YO does not have the cognitive ability to manipulate. As far as "comforting" themselves back to sleep...the real reason babies stop crying is because they think no one is going to respond and they also don't thrive as well as other babies that are tended to in the middle of the night. Try reading books by Dr. Sears such as Nighttime Parenting. Babies cry for a reason. It is wonderful that you are listening to your intuition. Good Luck!

Hi L.,
I'm not sure why our society has chosen to believe that our young babies should not be picked up when they are in distress, although I am sure it has mostly to do with the demands of both parents working and nothing whatsoever to do with what is actually good for a child.
If your beautiful son is able to go back to sleep once you comforted him in the way you describe and this works for you. Do it. Don't pay any attention to what others tell you. He is here to be looked after by you and your husband.
Keep doing what works for you and feels right for you and don't worry about what others say.
Love
Z.
PS I recommend reading Summerhill by A.S. Neill or Freedom - Not License by the same author. Very interesting and enlightening ideas for parents and educators alike.
I don't agree with everything he says, but for the most part he's really on to something.

Why of course if what you are doing works, by all means continue. What can it hurt. I also do not agree with allowing a child to cry for long periods of time.

A little about me:
I am a 54 year-old grandmother of a 3 month old.

Dear L.,
Just remember this, babies change their newly discovered patterns usually in three to six months, often completely. I did not know this w/ my first child and I remember thinking some nights, "I can't possibly go on like this" and then the behavior they were doing magically morphed into something totally different. The second thing to remember is that every child is different! And this one may need to know you are there at three in the morning for awhile, and it will pass. I also prayed often,(in the middle of the night!) asking God for the strength and wisdom to know what to do. He will make you the best mom.(Along with a little help from your friends:)

I swear by this method. It was the worst 2 days of my parenting life, but my daughter has slept like clockwork since then. I think the key is to try to do this before they can stand, though I'm told that you can still do it after with some children. (My best friend waited too long with #1)
My husband had to hold me back. It was a "well, we've made it this long. If we give up now we have to start over tomorrow." and "If we go in now, what are we teaching her?-if I cry long enough, they will give in?" I don't know. No one can tell you what to do with your child. You know him best. If you do plan on using this method, do it before he starts climbing, then it just gets dangerous. If he is only standing, he should sit down before he gets too tired I would think.
Good luck.

Trust your instincts, mama! Don't worry about creating habits with an infant. Respond to his needs the best you can and he'll be fine.

MIne does the same I just pick him up rocking for a little while and then I put him back down still awake. he stands back up and cries I tell him I love him and that everything is ok butI have to rest cause I am the one to get him up in the morning and from there I let him cry himself to sleep.. I hate it but it is all that works for him. if I keep going in he will keep crying so he is actually better off being left to cry. The only reason I check on him at all is because he is teething and I want to check for fever and when he feels fine I let him go. I know these are tough times and tough decision I guess it is easy to let him cry since he is my second child. I let my first take over and he is still half in bed with us instead of his own (first half in his second in ours)

I had this problem too with my kids. I actually take my pillow and a blanket and lay on the floor next to crib. A few nights with poor sleep is better than months of interupted sleep. I would put my child down and then lay down next to the crib and put my arm in their so they could hold my hand. Every once and a while I would stand up and lay them down. But I let them cry and get more warn out. I'm with them the whole time and I know they are not hungry or hurt. The first night is the worst and then they gradually stop crying for as long each night until eventually they stay asleep through the night. I've never had this go longer than 3 nights. best of luck.

I am not sure why we do that. But as far as I am concerned whatever gets all of us the most sleep is the best choice and letting them cry felt like going against my instinct. It stressed me out, them out and the entire house.

I picked up my kids when they cried. I nursed them to sleep I rocked them to sleep and I co-slept with them. In fact we still cuddle with our older kids (but we don't have to they can put themselves to sleep if necessary).

It hasn't affected my childs ability to cope or settle them selves or eventually learn to put them selves back to sleep with no screaming involved.

It is a choice we made. Sometimes is wasn't the most conveienant choice but it has worked out well. I am convinced that anything that becomes inconveinant for you can be solved in a non stressful way over time. If it turns out that rocking is needed and it becomes a problem you can cut the rocking time to less and less time and he will learn to settle himself. It is all about the choices we make and we make the choices that feel right to us.

Good Luck. you can check out the No Cry Sleep Solution it has some great ideas in it.

J.

Hi L.,

That is not a dumb question at all! I understand how you feel. Does he have a set bedtime and routine? I think that plays a big part in sleeping through the night. My little guy is almost 9 months, was going to bed at 9,... has been sleeping through the night (for the most part)since he was 2 1/2 months old, but this past week he has woken up in the middle of the night every night, but we changed his bedtime again. When he does this I change him while he drinks his bottle. After that- I put him back in the crib and rub his back for a minute- turn on his music frog and make sure his sound lullably spa is on and then walk out. I close his door until he falls asleep so his crying doesn't wake DH. We know the difference between "I am hurting" and "I am mad- I want to get up" The first few nights I did this it took awhile-boy can he scream- but now he knows the routine I think. It is so tough- and there are other family members do not do this so sometimes when he stays the night with them it is harder when I get him back the first night. It will get easier! Just stand your ground if at all possible. You will thank yourself later. Isn't it cute how they learn to stand and that is all they want to do! Good Luck and God Bless!

I say pick him up and love him,they grow up so fast.

Dear Lynn,
Here is my experience. The longer people have let their children go before training them to go to sleep on their own, the longer and harder it gets. I know it's hard to hear your child cry at night. If you don't like hearing your child cry and seeing him stand up then by all means pick him up! If that is what you want to do. YOU are his mother. There is nothing wrong with comforting your child at night, if that is your choice. As long as you are willing to sacrifice your sleep, but that is your choice as well. Not all mothers or their methods are the same. That is why God let you be his mother.
I also have a 8 month old (my 4th) who does stand when he wakes from nap, but he also sleeps through the night. I know they go through a lot of separation anxiety at this time as well, so if he sees you, then he'll want you, and be mad if you don't attend to him.
I know it's hard, but I encourage you to keep trying. I wouldn't lay him back down in his crib, he is capable of that himself at 8 months. I would set a routine, every night. Bathe him. Sleepers. Feed him. Read a story, sing goodnight songs. But, let him know it's time to sleep. Lights off. Mommy leaves. When he cries the first few nights, check on him, do NOT pick him up. He will cry, and it will probably be extremely hard for you. But, the important thing is not giving up!
I have had four very different children in the past five years and we trained them to sleep through the night, starting when they hit the 3 month mark. No, that does not make me a bad mother. I'm probably a better mother because I get my rest at night. I'm just letting you know that it IS possible and very worth it!
Just know that there WILL come a time when he will have to sleep through the night. Be it now, or two years from now... The goal is getting your son to go back to sleep on his OWN and sleep through the night.
But, I guess the most important thing is that you sound like a wonderful, loving mother. Obviously, this post is only my advice. Like I said at the beginning, if you don't like your son crying then DON'T feel guilty about rocking your son back to sleep. What a wonderful feeling it is to rock a sleeping child in our arms! One of God's blessings!
Happy Fourth of July!
And God Bless,

A.

All I can tell you is my son was so stubborn that even letting him cry for over an hour or two days at a time never worked. He was so strong willed and crying it out just did not work for him or me. Some parents have good luck w/ just patting them and letting them cry - I think the key is - when you try this method, does the crying time get shorter each night, or does it go on and on indefinitely with no improvement? There are rare kids I believe who just need more reassurance than others. There are theories that say it builds confidence for children to learn to get themselves to sleep, and other theories that letting babies cry builds up resentment and causes a sense of abandonment. I think some middle ground of staying in the room, but not picking them up, is a good way to go if you don't believe in crying it out, however if you try it and each night is as bad or worse than the next, you have to decide if it is worth it or if you can use other methods (rocking to sleep or even more drastic, letting him sleep w/ you).

These boards are good for advice, but keep in mind you are the expert on your own child, and your own breaking points, and if you find your experience is different than those who are giving you advice, it is because every child is different. It does not mean there is anything wrong with you or him, he is just different.

I say this b/c I have two sons - the oldest slept in his crib and rarely woke up during the night from the start - he NEVER slept with me and I had little problem w/ his sleeping habits. My younger son NEVER would sleep in his crib from the very first night in the hospital - even the experienced nurse could not get him to lie in his bassinet. I had to resort to letting him sleep w/ me or else neither of us would have ever gotten any sleep. Had he been my first child, I would have felt like a failure, but I KNEW it was not me, b/c I did the same thing w/ him I did w/ my older son and he was totally different. By the way, he sleeps just fine now that he's 6 :).

Good luck w/ whatever method you use. Take care!

Well, I was just like you, I wasn't comfortable letting my baby who trusted me "scream it out" and so every time she cried I would go in and nurse her and put her back to sleep. That was fine until one day I noticed time in between wakings had gotten to 40 minutes apart. I was concerned I had created a codependency but didn't know what to do because I was uncomfortable with the methods of getting her to sleep or they just didn't work. The situation finally resoled itself. I was so exhausted I forgot to turn on the monitor one night. It was the BEST night's sleep. When I woke up I cried and felt like the worst mother for sleeping through my baby's distress. But when I checked on her, she was sleeping! I kept the monitor on and went back to bed and she kept sleeping! The next night you won't believe my shock when she slept 12 hours straight without making a peep! That was a year and a half ago and my daughter has slept through the night for about 12 hours a night every night since. Good luck.

go with your instincts and hold and rock him. Babies don't wake themselves up on purpose Something is causing this and he needs comfort. I am an advocate of co- sleeping or family beds so you can just reach over and pat him and comfort him before he gets to the standing up and crying stage. Think how it is when you can't talk or walk, you can't feed yourself or get a drink or even get out of your crib and something wakes you up and you cry for help and no one comes. plus, if you have him with you, you'll get more sleep, too.
god luck and congratulations on your beautiful boy.
kat

Hi L. - as I was reading all the responses I kept smiling. My children are now 13 and 16, wait until yours are that age. You cant get them up. The best thing I can say is stick to a routine. I heard all the same advice you are hearing. I picked them up, rocked them, patted their little backs (my 13 year old will still ask sometimes if I will pat her back!), sang to them, read to them, slept next to the crib in the rocker. There is a difference in their cries, sometimes it is just a temper fit and others are a need for comfort, sometimes they wake up confused and scared. You will learn which is which. Sleep patterns will change, you may be sleeping all through the night and then their little pattern changes, or they become sick, or they have eaten something that makes if difficult to sleep or they just hurt. I did all of the above and I have a career where I needed to be up and out of the house by 5:50! You need rest too. So get on a good routine and be firm in what you decide, stick to it. Everything will work out fine! Good luck! P.S. My 16 year old is still asleep! HAPPY JULY 4th! Kat

My little girl is 11 months old and although I have not dealt with this circumstance directly, she does something similar during naptime. I know she is tired, but she keeps getting up. She is a tummy sleeper. But, when I lay her down for naptime, she gets up on her knees, and you know the rest. But, when she does that, I place her on her back. She is thrown off and usually just lays there until she falls asleep. Maybe you can try that method. Best of luck to you!

p.s. I still rock my baby girl at night...

My son did the same thing, every now and then will stand up crying, instead of picking him up (which took me 11 months to quit doing) I give him a hug and sway a little with him. It calms him down and makes him sleepy enough to lay back down, but I am not picking him up so he eventually learned to just lay back down by himself. If I tried to lay him down before he was ready it would just make him angry and cry more. I know its hard, I never could let my son cry it out, but once you break this habit you will both sleep so much better. Sometimes when I am trying to rock my son before bed he just starts pushing me and leaning towards his crib so he has learned to love it. I also put one of our pillows in his crib from our bed and he curls up on top of it.

Please re-read Rebecca D.'s response. I'm with her.

Your eight-month-old doesn't know he is creating difficulties for you. He just knows that he needs loving/reassuring/holding/rocking.
They all grow out of this phase, but the baby who has been cuddled grows out of it with a secure knowledge that he is loved.

God bless you as you mother your crying baby even when really sleepy yourself (I've been there with three children and wouldn't think of doing otherwise.)

M. T