How Do I Tell My 13 Yr Daughter She Can't Sleep over at Her Best Friends House?

This is easy for me because we don't do sleepovers. So, my daughter just tells all of her friends that her parents don't allow her to sleep over. End of story.

I wouldn't lie about it - and I would be honest with my kid about it. I would let them tell their friend *I* was the one who said no and it wouldn't be okay.

By alcohol use, do you mean they have a glass of wine nightly or a bottle? I get that some is okay, but I really prefer it not to be around at all...my brother is dealing with alcoholism badly right now so we are very sensitive to it. Drugs are NEVER okay.

Just me, but I would let my kid make me the fall-guy for this. "My mom is just weird about it." is enough. Listen, at fourteen, I was in a similar situation with a friend's family and did do the stupid stuff-- smoked pot for the first time and had pink champagne, went across the state line to a fair an hour away (I barely remember it) and overall-- was *really* fortunate nothing terrible happened to me.

Then again, if your daughter does sleepovers with other girls at their houses, be prepared to take it on the chin. ("My mom's such a freakazoid, she has weird rules, I don't know.")

My son is younger, but already I'm sometimes the mom who puts the kibosh on unsafe fun (eight year olds are not known for their wisdom in their decision-making or their actions) when other parents turn a blind eye. Part of being a parent is my having to sit with my discomfort when a right choice may not be socially acceptable. I'm an adult and have a lot more resilience than my child, so I'm willing to be the one to blame if it means keeping a little temporary peace for my kid. And I'm willing to own up to my decisions, which shows my son I have the courage of my convictions. Sometimes, that means making an unpopular choice when you know it's the right one. We live, we learn. Keep inviting the friend to your house and really- if the friendship is a strong one, it will last.

sounds like you've already told your daughter the reasons, no?
and i appreciate that she doesn't want to lie to her bestie. hopefully she doesn't want to lie to anyone NOT her bestie either.
i'd encourage her in this and all situations to be honest and offer as little information as is acceptable. 'my folks love you, but aren't comfortable with me spending the night at your place. but you can come here as often as you want' will probably do the trick.
if the other girl pushes, she'll probably have to go to something like 'my parents have an absolutely no alcohol in the home prohibition. it's not fair to ask your family to alter their lifestyle, so the only solution is for us to hang out here.'
without knowing just what you mean by 'known drugs and alcohol' it's hard to say if you should lighten up or not. if people are drinking heavily and shooting up or sharing px meds, it's certainly wise to keep your kids away. if they have some alcohol in the home and you've heard a rumor that the older brother smokes pot sometimes, then, well...............
khairete
S.

I'm a little confused. Does your daughter never go to her best friend's house? Or just for sleepovers?

That's a hard one. When you don't trust the kids' parents, I find those friendships tend to fizzle. Parents figure it out and will be offended no matter how vague you are. How would you respond if your child's friend said "My mom isn't ok with me sleeping at your house, but you can sleep here." See what I mean? Just be prepared for that.

Personally, if it's just sleepovers you're concerned with - I would nix the whole sleepover thing altogether - and just say you'll do late-overs. That way you are saying you aren't ok with sleepovers in general. Go pick your daughter up before bed.

That's what I've done at times. Easier than saying "we can at our house but not at yours". I've just altered the plans until I'm comfortable.

Hard one. The other thought is figure out how much drugs and alcohol is going on. Get to know the other parents bit more to see if it's as bad as you think. Maybe you already have.

What my kids have done in a pinch when they themselves weren't comfortable (one of my kids has hard time sleeping at other people's homes) is they say "I just don't sleep well at other people's homes". He's honest and direct and no one has taken offence.

Good luck :)

It sounds like your daughter fully understands the reasons, and your real question is "how does my daughter tell her friend?" Is that right? If so, I agree with the others who answered below - she does not need to give a reason. She can just make you out to be the overprotective, pain in the neck mom (she'll probably feel that way for a real in a couple more years - haha). She can just tell her friend that she keeps asking and you keep saying no but never give a reason why.

I also like the idea of you driving them to town for a fun evening, then taking them back to sleep at your house.

Chances are, the friend already suspects the real reason anyway. I would imagine she is old enough to know that her parent(s) drug and alcohol problems aren't smart, healthy, or safe for anyone to be around.

how do I tell my 13 yr daughter she can't sleep over at her best friends house?

Answer: "No, you cannot sleep over at your friend's house."

Why do you have to come up with how to tell your daughter. Just communicate with her. Be open and honest with her. You need to be able to communicate with your daughter openly with no topic off limits, especially starting now at this age. Keep in mind, you are her parent not her friend.

I'm not sure what you mean by drugs and alcohol. Is this hearsay or do you have facts. It is pretty sad when a family gets blackballed due to hearsay.

Does your daughter want to sleepover with her friend? Has she ever slept over with this friend? It sounds like you do not trust the friend's parents and if you don't you are not breaking any law to say you prefer sleepovers at your house.

There is no reason to lie and I am glad your daughter does not want to lie to her friend.

How is her friend? Well mannered? Good kid? Is she getting the brunt end of the stick for rumors about her family? Granted.. if my daughter's friend's parents were known druggies, alcoholics, throwing parties, have been arrested, dealing, etc... no, I would not allow my daughter to go.

I tend to give someone the benefit of the doubt when I hear rumors because there are a lot of mean people out in the world who spread hate about others due to jealousy, etc.

"Drugs and alcohol" is pretty vague.

When my oldest started HS in a new district she was 13. It took her a few "tries" to find the right fit in friends. She hung out with a girl who had a rough home life and Mom and Dad seemed like they had a drug problem either past or present. After we met them for the first time we agreed something was just off. Put together with what she knew of the girl it wasn't hard to connect the dots.

She never did want to go to the girl's house, they spent time at our home only. Eventually the girls sort went their separate ways but are still friendly at school. Sure enough her friend is living with her Grandparents now. We are relieved as she seems to have a much better home life

My daughter and I were openly communicating through this whole situation. you need to do that with your girl, it is absolutely the best way to raise kids IMO. Ask her what she thinks.

"No, you can't sleep over at your friend's house. I am more comfortable hosting."

Tell her that the friend can come to your house (if you want her to) but that it can't be reciprocated. You can be the bad guy. I might offer to drive them to town, but sleep in your home.

Just say NO. I tell my children that they can always use the excuse that their parents won't allow whatever is being forbidden. That way they have a bad guy to blame - even if it is something we don't know about.

Making rules/boundaries is part of your job as a parent - so do it. End of story.

What's the problem? Just invite the girl to sleep at your house.

How well do you know and trust your daughter?

You don't have to answer, but it may be something to think about.

If this were my daughter and I trusted her and knew she would call me anytime to come get her if she ever felt unsafe, no judgement from me, then I would let her go.

Maybe time to get her a disposable phone and go for it.

I am kind of shocked that some are trying to rationalize the amount or type of drugs/alcohol. Based on your post it is enough for you to not want her to be there, so that is enough.

I agree with another poster, that you should be the fall guy. Your daughter saying "My mom won't let me." Not a lie. Now I am guessing the girl is asking more questions, like why not or why can you go to Lauren's house and not mine? This now gets tricky. If you have a rule that you need to know they family well, or some other truthful reason. Your daughter may want to address the issue with her friend. Your parents are known to do "drugs/alcohol" and my mom does not feel safe having me over there.

Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your daughter.

If your daughter gets it, then let her make you the bad guy. "My mom won't let me". Why? "I don't know, she just won't". She doesn't want to hurt her friend's feelings but she should be able to understand that it's not something you want her around. And it's not really a matter of you trusting your daughter, imo. This is about not trusting the adults you're leaving her with. I get it.

She doesn't have to lie to her friend. All she needs to say that her mother said no. If the friend asks why your daughter can just say she doesn't know but her mother says no.

She needn't lie and can keep it simple and say, my mom won't let me ..
even if your daughter could deliver the real gist of the matter and say, my mom says your family does drugs and alcohol, I personally would worry less about hurting the best friend and be more concerned about the bind your daughter would now be in... even if the friend's family does drugs, it's still a bold statement and act to accuse someone of it.. yes, even if it's true.. why? because so many addicts are in denial.. so when you call them out on it (which is what your daughter would be doing if placed in that situation) then the addicts would probably get really pissed off and possibly take it out on your daughter and THEIRS..
an addicts behavior is irrational and your daughter is not old enough or emotionally ready to take on any of that.. oh and don't forget, her best friend may not be either. you don't know exactly the lies that are being told to that girl.. when you come up in an alcoholic home, it becomes kinda the norm for you... so at that young age, you don't always get why someone else might consider drinking and drugs so bad, not if that is all that you have known... anyway.. just too many twists and turns to this situation..
keep it simple.. my mom says no.............

I agree with Secondchancer. No explanation necessary. Your daughter just blames you and says "my mom is SO INSECURE, I just cant stay over, sorry".... Take the hit, your daughter needs that tool.
Your daughter will totally THANK you when she gets older.

Don't lie, just omit. Pick out some true reasons that don't criticize. You have to strike a balance, and if you are in a relationship where it's going to be VERY uncomfortable to be so mismatched, you have to wean off the relationship.

For example. the REAL reason I barely ever let my daughter (9) spend the night at her best friend's house is because their house is chaos, they're glued to video games and youtube 'til all hours, they eat sugary junk food all night, an the siblings are all bratty and my daughter comes home exhausted and with bratty attitudes that need to be reset. The reason I give for saying no so often is :"I don't like my daughter to have too may sleepovers, we are busy weekends and I need her here helping me. Also she can't be up so late often, she's a nightmare the next day." I'm a single mom and she does help me with younger sibs and housework, so this is all true, and none of it is offensive to them.

The reason i NEVER have the girl here is because she is demanding and bratty and glued to her phone and starts big fights with my other kids. The reason I give is that I'm at my limit here alone with three kids, and when it's four I just can't handle it. This is true too, and nothing personal against them. I've been honest that I feel bad I can't reciprocate, so they accept it and don't mind, because their house has more "the more the merrier vibe" with two parents and grandparents and an older teen to help out with things. I reciprocate by picking their daughter up from the bus every day with my kids and dropping her off while her mom works.

To be honest, if my daughter had friends with parents with drug and alcohol issues I wouldn't foster the relationship or have the girl over much just to avoid the awkwardness of NEVER wanting my daughter over at her house.

What to say if you want to keep the status quo? Hmm. VERY TRICKY! You may need to paint yourself as he overprotective type who just doesn't want her daughter sleeping out. Apologize and say you hope they aren't offended. If your daughter knows your real reasons it means you've told her, and it's only a matter of time before it slips an the bridges burn anyway..so..when that happens, never admit it, just stick to your guns it was never personal. Maybe take that angle with your daughter too a bit more. That it's nothing personal against them, you just don't like her sleeping out in town with more to do...

Can you play up your nerves about your daughter being "in town" so its not a direct hit on the friends household but more the location?

Just tell your daughter that you don't like her to spend the night anywhere
else but her very own home. That is, also, what she can tell her friend.

If you feel comfortable enough, tell the friend you'd be happy to pick her up &
take them both into town so they can shop, have lunch, see a movie etc.

You could, also, have the girl come spend the night at your house if you think she'll come. Then when she brings up spending the night at her house
you just tell her you're not comfortable w/letting your daughter spend the night at someone else's house but she's welcome to spend the night at yours (if your daughter wants this, btw).

My mom never let my siblings and I spend the night anywhere. I think I was finally allowed to go to my best friend's house twice when I was 16. (I think her thinking on finally letting me at 16 was that I could leave if I didn't feel comfortable and just that I was older.).

The problem isn't that your daughter doesn't know your reasons or even disagrees with them.
The problem is your daughter doesn't want to tell her friend
"I can't come to a sleep over at your house because your family has drug and booze issues".
Your daughter can certainly be diplomatic, and with your permission she can certainly make you the bad guy "My Mom won't let me!" but the friend might keep asking.
Sometimes the kids growing up with these issues in their homes eventually fall into having the same issues - and I've seen friends drift apart because of it.