How Do I Tell My Stepson It Is Okay to Call Me Mom?

I know this was a while ago but as a mom & stepmom, i'd suggest letting him know you're glad he's happy enough to be able to call you "mom" & can if & when he wants to. I'd also let him know it's ok to feel like he has 2 moms hope all goes well

I'm going to go out on a limb here... Is his mom okay with him calling you mom? Regardless of if you and your husband are trying to get primary custody, in a battle no less, I would not take that honor from another woman. In that situation, I would express that it is okay to love you like a mother. But no matter what my relationship with my husband's ex is, I would not overstep that boundary without her blessing. My kids have a stepmom and they know that I do not mind them loving her completely (as I do), but the title "Mom" is mine.

I am not a step parent, but I am a step child.
My father died when I was 16. My mom remarried 2 years later and has been with him ever since. Now my mothers husband is an amazing man and I sincerlly love him...but I would NEVER call him dad.
I do not even like to call him my "step dad"...because he is NOT my father in any sort of way...he is my mothers husband and that is all.
It may be different for me b/c I was 18 and out of house when my mother remarried, therefore he never "parented" me...but either way I would never insult MY FATHERS memory by calling another man dad. (maybe its different for me to b/c my dad passed away?)
Maybe being that your husbands son is younger and you are fighting for coustody you feel different. Im sure that you love him...and I am sure that he loves you...and I am sure that if felt good to hear that...BUT - I wouldnt encourage him to call you mom. I would try to come up with a different name that still shows love and respect, but that is not taking away the "title" his biological mother has earned. I know as a mother I would be extreeeeeeeemly hurt if my children called another woman mom. I think it is an insult to his "real mom" by having him call you the same name...if she is still in the picture, which I gather she is by her and her family not liking the idea that her child is calling you mom.
I hope this did not come accross to harsh, that was not my intention...but you did ask for peoples opinions.
Good Luck with this situation and Congrates on the pregnancy.

I have a step-daughter who is 9 and I've been with her father for five years now. I also have a 7 yr old daughter who lost her father when she was 18 months old. With time my daughter chose to call my now husband daddy and realizes she is lucky to have two, one in heaven watching over her and one on earth to watch over her. My step-daughter with time has called me mommy from time to time, but I could sense it made her feel awkward. It made me feel good none the less. We only have her part-time right now, but hope for full-time in the future. It just takes time. The one way you can let him know its ok to call you mommy or mom, is to smile everytime he says it.

Good Luck, its tough, but everything works it self out always.

A.,

By telling your stepson it's okay to call you mom, you will be setting him up for trouble with his real mother. It sounds like you really like him, and care about him. You certainly don't want to put him in a position where at 6yrs old he has to remember who he can say certain things to. Why have your husband, his father, sit down with him, and ask him how he feels about the name situation. Maybe give him the opportunity to tell his dad, what he would like to call you. If it is mom, then tell him it's okay. If it is going by your first name, then abide by that. Just remember, it's not about the name, it's about the security you can give him and keep the negitivity out of his life. 6yrs old is too young to have to be in this position. I hope you take this how I meant it, it not negative, it's just someone from the outside looking in, telling you how I see it, with the information you provided.

Good luck, it sounds like your step son has a wonderful step-mother.

I'm going to agree with Melanie and Tamara....That if it's okay with his biological mother, then it's okay. But if she doesn't want him to call you "mom", then I would just suggest sticking to first names (even if he wants to or does it accidentally). I know that personally I would be terribly, terribly upset if my children called another woman "mom". In fact, I've told my husband just that - if heaven forbid we ever get divorced or I die, I do not want my children calling anyone else "Mom." And if I had a step-child, I know I wouldn't be comfortable letting them call me mom, because I'm not their mom. And I don't call my step-dad, "Dad", I call him by his first name.

I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but the way I see it is that I earned the name "Mom" and it's special to me because my children are the only people who can call me "Mom". If they started calling someone else "Mom" it wouldn't be special - to them or to me.

The next time he calls you Mom, sit down and talk about how much you love him, and how flattered you are that he thinks so much of you.

This is just my opinion, so I do hope I'm not over stepping here. But, as a Mother myself, I honestly wouldn't want either of my children to call another woman Mom, no matter how loving or close they were. I do think if his biological mother is against it, you should not incourage it.

Maybe you could come up with a similar name that you all agree upon that would be as loving--like mama Anne, or something like that.

How about both you and your husband telling him you are not replacing his Mom but he's lucky to have 2 people he can come to as 'MoM', that you think of him as your son, and would be happy to have him call you Mom or Anne, whichever he likes. Then just drop it and let him chose. I think adults make a much bigger deal out of things like this than the kids would if left alone.

I'd personally have your husband bring it up with him. That way he won't feel like he's hurting anyone's feelings by talking about it.

When my husband and I got married we went through the same thing. I told my son that no matter what, it was up to him. I said I knew his biological dad might not be too happy about it at first, and he should talk to him about it. (mind you, my ex and I have a GREAT relationship now) His dad came over and the three of us talked about everyone's feelings. His dad said that no matter what he chose, he would always love him, and that lots of kids have two dads. I know that had to be really hard to say, cause I know I'm not looking forward to someday sharing the title of "mom".

Anyway, Caleb started calling them "Daddy" and "Daddy Adam" (since we were pregnant and that way the baby would know he was her daddy, but he was still safely calling my husband Adam). As time went on he just started calling him "Daddy". If they're both in the room he'll still say "Daddy Terry" or "Daddy Adam", but if kids at school ask him about his "step dad" he says "Oh, I don't have a step dad. I just have two dads."

I hope things smooth out soon for your family and that your little boy doesn't get bullied by his other side of the family if he chooses to call you Mom. Good luck, and congrats on the pregnancy. :)

Have your husband take him where it is just "the boys" and have him tell the boy that it is ok to call you mom if he feels like it. And it is ok forhim to changehis mind and only do it when he wants to.

I know you posted this long ago but I just wanted to ask what you did and how this went. I too am a stepmom and sometimes I think my stepdaughter wants to but she struggles. There is a definant loyalty issue with this...

Anne,
I am a stepchild with both a stepmom and stepdad, my daughter is also in you stepson's situation. I never pushed my daughter to call my husband dad either, but left that decision up to her. She knows she has a father out there, but that the one here at home is the one that takes care of her. I think your husband should talk to the son and tell him it is his choice what to call you, and that no matte what his choice is that he will be loved just the same. My only concern would be the other side of the family telling him its a bad thing. If that happens my suggestion is that your husband talk to his exwife and tell her that the behavior is unacepptable and will not be alowed. Just make sure you and your husband reassure him that you will love him no matter what else happens. I hope this advise will help. And good luck with your children.

My girls call their dads wife their step mom. They don't call her that to her face but.... when they talk about her they say step mom. Would i get mad if they called her mom when they were at her house not really but at the same time it does offend my feelings. I wouldn't bring it up to cause a fight but i would remind them that i am their orginally mommy. Same with my husband he is their stepdad ... at home they talk to my son about daddy but to his face they call him by his name. I just treat it the same way as i would feel. Just really consider feelings and how it would effect everyone involved. If u honestly think that it wouldn't hurt then tell him that it is okiee but remind him that u r his second mommy. GOOD LUCK !!

I would just bring it up as casual conversation during playtime. Tell him that you noticed he said it once or twice and let him know that you love him the same no matter what he chooses to call you. My son was adopted by my husband but does not call him "dad" b/c it happened well into his teenage years. Either way, make it a point to let him know that you will never demand that he call you mom OR by name and even if he wanted to make up a special title for you, you will be happy, whatever the choice. I would shy away from addressing the 'demands' he may be getting from the other side, as it just pulls you down to that level in his eyes. In my experience, the best outcome always came from making our home as stable as possible and leaving him to make his own conclusions about the other home.
~L.

i have five children and yes i only gave birth to four of them i love them all the same.with all that said i would be hurt a little bit inside if they called someone eles mom but i would keep that too my self and they would never no it hurt these are there fealing and growing up is all about learning from them would never tell them they could not call someone eles mom if they are lucky enuff to find another person who love them likea mother dose then they are just a little more better off so next time he call you mom or call mom say yes SON let him know you feal the same love he feal for you so if i gone on for ever hope i helped

I am going to disagree w/ the majority of moms on this sight, I am by law a step parent, Having said that, and our situations might be different but my 2 call me mom, I never asked them to and I introduced myself to them by my name but within a month of having them they were calling me mom, I do think in the beginning it was because of my other 2 kids calling me that (they also belong to my husband) back to what I was saying, I am there mom I am the one who holds there hands, takes them to the dentist, sits up all night when they are sick, I am the one who runs to the E.R when they get hurt in football and break a collar bone. Like I said the situation may be different, thier mom has nothing to do with them, never has and barely pays her child support.

I see nothing wrong with a child calling a step parent mom/dad, to me it is a symbol of that childs love for you and respect for how you treat them, I can see where other moms might have a hard time with it but I think they look at wrong...... it has nothing to do with them as parents but has to do with the love of another very special person in there life, "mom" is just a title not who we are to are children.

Your husband should be the one to talk to him and let him know that it is OK, that no matter what he decides he will still be loved. Good luck no matter what you decide, and I am sorry if this came off harsh that wasn't my intention, it just struck a nerve with me.

Anne, The way I see it, it's too late or necessary to tell him. He already is doing it. He has already attached a feeling or "relationship" with you. This does not mean he loves you more or less than his biological mom, just that there is a relationship there. And this is HIS expression of it, at 6 years old. He is not focused on the value that the name tag brings, nor is he replacing his biological mom with you. Let's give him a break, and try and remember that it's not up to the adults, really to decide what he thinks, feels, or means deliberately by the one word "Mom." I think it's right that he knows the difference for each mom, but I don't think he has the right words for all that to make it clear to you. But, it's kind of like when I got married. I didn't call my MIL mom for the longest time. And she really doesn't fit what my mom was, but she is now "Mom." It's more of an awareness of the relationship, not a judgement. I hope this helps some.
J.

Dear A.,
Dont push it. Your fighting for custody and that's enough. Reguardless of what the situation is surrounding the custody dispute, have some compassion for the biological mother. She stands to possibly lose custody of her son, please dont insult her by taking her name too.

C. M.

Anne,
I too am a stepmom, and have been for several years. My son has never called me mom, but my daughter does sometimes. They are 19 and 16 respectively, and I've been in they're lives since he was almost 11 and she had just turned 8. The first thing I'll tell you is to ignore anyone refering to you as anything but a "real" mom. A real parent is someone who walks the walk - not just talks the talk. It's a lot of work being a stepmom - and it can be very rewarding, and very painful (sometimes at the same time).

As for your stepson calling you mom, I'd just say "that makes me feel good when you call me that" the next time he does it. Then, leave it at that so he doesn't feel like you expect him to do it all the time. He's young, and there must be a reason you and your husband are fighting for custody, so as long as you are a mom to him in the most important ways (I'm not discounting his biological mom here, just refering to your duties), it doesn't really matter what he calls you as long as it's with respect.

Both of my children have told me that I'm more of a mom to them than their 'real' mom is. And it only makes me proud on the end that I know they recognize me as a mom to them. I feel bad that their biological mom has never stepped up to the plate fully other than to use the kids for what she can get because of them, but I know that my husband and I have given them the best that we could (as far as morals and such, I'm not talking material goods), and we given them what they needed when they needed it (mentally and physically).

I smile when I'm called mom, but I know that Donna carries just as much with it.