How Do You Check Out Families of New Friends?

I see others have suggested having the parents over to your home or meeting out for coffee, tea, etc. But, this doesn't really give you a sense of their home atmosphere. Since all parents have (or need to have) this concern, you might contact all the families and suggest that you all take advantage of your children's new friendships and plan an activity that will help all the families get to know each other. I would just be careful to not take on the attitude that you need to investigate them. But rather, suggest that you welcome the opportunity to develop community relationships with other community-minded families or that you feel it would help the children feel more secure about their new friendships if the parents all got together. One idea I've seen work beautifully is to plan a progressive dinner. Take a Saturday or Sunday afternoon and have appetizers at one house, salad at another, sides at the next, a main course at one house, and desert at yet another. It takes some planning, but it can be great fun. This way, you can get to know the whole families a bit better and you may just make new friends yourself! But, keep your focus on developing friendships naturally. No one is comfortable if they sense they are being looked over to see if they are 'safe'.

If you are limitted to a phone conversation, you might just say that you want to help your daughter be prepaired for a sleep over. Tell them that you know each family has their own 'family culture' and that you want your daughter to know how to conduct herself respectfully. Then you can ask very specific questions about everything from foods your daughter may not be familiar with and if she will be expected to eat whatever is served to whether or not she needs to be aware of anyone's special needs. This will also give you an opportunity to explain any special needs your daughter may have. I know, as a parent, I would have welcomed such a thoughtful call from another parent. You can even offer to help with the sleep over. Offer to bring a dish or help facilitate some game time, a special craft project, or storytelling, to make it a special event and give the hosting parent some support. You can also suggest that if they need someone to run to the store for something, they can call you. Being helpful is a great ice-breaker!

However much we might try to know the families and know how our children are being watched, or not, there is only so much we can control as parents. One of the best things you can do is to talk things over with your daughter and let her know she can call you to come get her if she is faced with something too awkward or uncomfortable. You can make a plan for her to make a graceful exit. For example, you could tell her that if she needs to call, she can simply say that she forgot to tell her mother something important (like a phone message) or has a question and needs to call. She may not have the opportunity to talk on the phone privately, so give her a code word she can use on the phone that means she wants you to come and get her. Then you can ask her to give the phone to a parent and tell them you have a minor family emergency and will need to come and pick up your daughter. I remember my 11 year old son spending the night with a good family. Some of their standards were different from ours, but they were conscientious parents. But, once an older cousin came to spend the night while my son was sleeping over and that cousin brought an X-rated video he had gotten his hands on. My son came home asking me some truly unexpected questions!! Although I was disappointed that the boys were not better supervised, I was so glad my son knew to come to me with those questions. We were able to talk about it in a way that helped him develop a healthy sense of respect and honor toward women and sexuality.

Your daughter is at the age where it becomes increasingly difficult to try to control what they are exposed to. The one thing I did not want my son to have was a worrisome mother. So, I did my best to know my son and make sure he knew we were available and accessible and to prepare him to handle himself with dignity. And, most importantly, I prayed!!! I learned to remind myself that this is God's child that I was caring for and that we are all just as much in God's hands as we were the day we were born.

My son once told me that he was reminded how much I prayed for him when he was a teenager because he could not seem to get away with things the other kids did. He said it was uncanny how, if he even thought about crossing a boundary, something would happen to make it almost impossible. He would get caught before he had a chance to do something really stupid. However frustrating this may have been for him in some ways, it always proved to him how much he was loved. To be honest, I don't know how parents raise children without prayer. There is just too much that is not under a parent's control.

I hope you don't mind if I share the prayer I carry in my heart for my son. He found this prayer when he was 7 y/o and he decided to memorize it. I thought that was so precious, so I memorized it and still recite this prayer on his behalf every day. At times when I was most prone to worry about him, this prayer was my rock:

O Lord! Make this youth radiant, and confer Thy bounty upon this poor creature. Bestow upon him knowledge, grant him added strength at the break of every morn and guard him within the shelter of Thy protection so that he may be freed from error, may devote himself to the service of Thy Cause, may guide the wayward, lead the hapless, free the captives and awaken the heedless, that all may be blessed with Thy remembrance and praise. Thou art the Mighty and the Powerful.

- 'Abdu'l-Bahá

Don't let them go until you do know the families well. You can check with your local police dept. for a list of offenders or go to familywatchdog.com(but this is slow to update). But that doesn't protect them from the things they hear or see at other's homes. Keep an open communication with them(your kids). Biggest thing-make your house the place the kids want to be. Let them have the sleepovers with fun activites and plenty of junk food.

Good luck,
Mom of ages 6-19

I completely understand how you feel. As my daughter is getting older I often wonder the same thing. Some things that I would do is, go out with the parents and the girls first and get to know them. I mean you dont have to become best friends with them, and some people you just may not click with. But if you agree with their parenting style and they have a healthy home then I would overlook some things. I would just be honest with the parents about how you feel. I think most moms feel the same way and would have no problems getting to know you and letting you come over to their house. I would never put a mom on the spot and ask her to have her kid over without her knowing me and knowing my house. If they dont understand how you feel, then maybe your kids shouldnt go over to their house. There probably will be kids that you let come to your house but not let them go to theirs. Your kids pick their friends, not their parents, so Im sure sometimes you will come across people you dont agree with. Good Luck! They grow so fast!

Before I'd even consider letting my child sleep over, I'd invite the parents over for dinner or have them meet you somewhere for dinner. Be blunt with them about your concerns----one can never be too cautious when it comes to the safety and care of our children! Trust your instincts too! If it doesn't seem like a safe place, or if you have your doubts, don't let her go!

I would start by asking your daughters's key questions that may help you learn more about the family. Questions such as "Are their parents still married?" "How many siblings do they have?" "What do the friends like to do for fun?" You would be surprised how much information you can pick up on just by asking simple questions. If your daughters don't know the answers, or you don't feel comfortable with their answers, go with your instincts. When I was younger, my parents did not have a problem with getting on the phone and asking to speak to my friends parents to find out basic information such as would the parents be there the entire time I was in their home, if not, who would they put in place to be responsible for me. They would ask what time frame worked the best, what time did I need to be picked up. I always feel that you can never be too safe and I would insist upon meeting the parent(s) before leaving my child in their care, even if it is only for a few moments while I dropped my child off with them.

The website Mary T mentioned is: https://www.courts.mo.gov/casenet/base/welcome.do you type in the litigants name then you go through the names until you find the correct person, their address is listed under one of the tabs.
You're right it's hard to know people these days, the best thing is to educate your child, let them know when to call you. If you don't have a cell phone they can take, buy one of the ones that you can put minutes onto, then tell them it is for when they feel uncomfortable so you can pick them up. It's not always the parents at a sleep over that you need to worry about, it could be another child that brought something inappropriate or wants to do something like sneak out of the house. Always make sure that your child doesn't have to depend on asking someone for a way to contact you, as a child I wouldn't have been able to ask to call my parents, I was never comfortable enough to talk to an adult. My daughter would call me if there was drinking at a party and I would come to pick her up, you aren't always going to know what is going to happen, now that she's a mother she's gotten a call from her daughter's when they spent the night at a relatives house, they watched 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' then were afraid to go to sleep because they were on a different level of the home than an adult, they were only 5 and 6 at the time, the mother didn't know the girls had called their mother! So even a relative can have bad judgment when it comes to kids, you just need to instill in your kids that it's not wrong to call your parents when you feel uncomfortable and have a phone in their belongings, not every house now has a house phone, some only rely on cell phones anymore. Good Luck with the kids they are your most precious belonging!

I always talked to the parents quite a bit when I'd drop them off and that made me comfortable. I haven't done this on people they slept over because we've always been in the same community and we usually know a family member or someone else that knows them, so I can ask people that know them about them, but there are other ways to check up. Every county in Missouri has a sexual offenders list online, you can Google "sexual offenders, (fill in your county and state)" and you can also go to case.net, or Google "Missouri Judiciary" site and fill in anyone's first and last name in the state of Missouri and find out every ticket and offense they have been sited for. On the Missouri Judiciary page, just fine "Case.net" on the home page. I forgot the actual web address, but have Googled it. Its easy to find. Pretty scary, huh? But, you can. I've done it a lot on other people and my sister that is a paralegal uses it for her job frequently. These sites are available for anyone to use.

Do you live in Shawnee county? If so, you may look up their parent's names on www.shawneecourt.org. I would also meet the parents and talk with them a time or two before you let the kids stay with them.

Good Morning L., I would call the parents and have a get together. They don't know you or your family either :)
Maybe invite for coffee or something just to get to know them better. Or on the play dates go with them for a few minutes and visit with mom.

It's terrific they are branching out. WTG Mom and Girls

K. Nana of 5

I know in Missouri you can go to a web site that is called "case net" and look up to see if people have had criminal chrages, or even speeding tickets! Also I'd just google them and see if they have myspace and facebook. BUT before I'd let my kids go somewhere, I'd first have the friend to your house and get to know her, then ask for her parents to pick her up and try to have them in to chat and see how that goes. You cannot be too careful!!!! Good luck!

It helps that the families have involved their children in the same activity as your daughters. This gives you a common thread, & hopefully will ease the families involved into a mutual friendship.

I think that diversity is what makes our world go round, & it's an important life skill to be taught to our children. So many families stick with just befriending families from church or their grade level at school. It's OK to branch out, it's OK to be with children either younger/older, it's OK to visit/embrace ethnic diversity, & it's OK to worship in a variety of churches.

That said, our children's safety should be the 1st thought in all interactions. Questioning your child, quizzing other parents.....does not give you firsthand knowledge. It only provides others' opinions.....soooo, really the only fair way to approach this subject is to talk directly with the parents involved. Lay it on the line, be direct (but sensitive)....& if you're "like" parents, then all will be OK. & so what if the other parents walk away from the conversation shaking their heads saying, "Man, she's nuts!" At least you'll know that you put your children 1st.

I would go to their house and talk to their parents. Your child may be mortified, the parents may be inconvenienced, but the bottom line is that you need to know. Try to get a sense of big brothers and fathers/boyfriends, especially, because they may have more freedom to hang out with your young daughters than you would realize at first.

My parents always INSISTED on meeting the parents of anyone I played with. They also dropped me off so they could see the home I would be playing at and then they would know exactly where I was if I called and wanted to come home. When I was a kid, it was irritating but I intend to do the same with my son. You simply can't be too safe. Perhaps they could come to your house first or you could have a coffee/tea get together with the moms. You may end up making some new friends of your own! Right now we're living in Portugal and it's been an entirely different challenge communicating with everyone. My son is not old enough for sleepovers yet but we are working on getting into a few playgroups. I'm still making an effort to get to know the parents, as well as my limited vocabulary will take me. Congratulations on getting your children into community activities. We try to do that, as much as possible, in whatever country we are in. We constantly travel internationally so it has proved a bit more challenging for us. Happiness!

Good morning,

If I did not know the parents we asked questions of our daughter and then would invite the child over and of course the parents were invited to stay if they would like. Most of the time I knew the parents through school activities, Girl Scouts or church. Even when we knew the parents we never would drop off and leave we always would and do go to the door and chat about what the kids were doing and when we needed to come by and pick up. We get a lot of grief from our 14 year old but as parents we feel more comfortable with this. Our 7 year old is just now starting into more play dates and one invitation for a sleepover. So here we go again. hope this helps..

this is hard but important. meet them--check out the house by dropping by with a dessert or flowers. find out how they view neighbors and their neighborhood (do their children have neighborhood friends? if not, why not).do they attend church, shop in area grocery stores,have long time friends,and seem like the adult role model you want your kids to be around. Most important, the values you have taught the past 10 years will be tested so be open to discussion about your reasons when your children begin to see other homestyles. Stick to your values and goals for your children and talk about why other families differ--take the good from others and perhaps incorporate it in your family time but also talk about the harmful practices and ask the kids what they think about those things for now and what will happen in the future by adopting hurtful or harmful activities. kids are sharp even at 10. pray always.k

Hey there, I can relate to your concern. I would start with a phone call to the mom and talk about how you are so happy your daughters have been making friends and before they do a sleepover you would like to have a chance to just talk with her a bit so you a familiar with them, remember, they are parents too and will probably appreciate that more than if someone just dropped their kids off at the front door. Maybe you could host the sleepover first, and then get comfortable with the friends first. If they are well behaved and such, you can get a feeling on the kind of family the might come from. I always encouraged my daughter to host the sleepover before I let her out of the house to go to another. It just makes me feel better. This way, you can invite the mom/dad in your home when they drop off and talk to them face to face a bit.

Well I would suggest trying to have a playdate type of gathering. Maybe suggest to your daughters that if it is nice out to invite their friends and their parents for like a picnic in the park. something to kinda break the ice and get to know the other parents.