Hi, all--
I am a single mom of a darling 6 year old. I have no family nearby (other than my former husband who was abusive). I want to know: If you think you have found the village to help raise your child or you created that village, what does it look like and how did you do it? I am on a path and would love all the suggestions I can get. If you are single and with no family nearby, even better!
Thanks!
EDIT-- just realized I should probably add a few details about myself and where we are in the process:
After leaving an abusive marriage, I have been working hard to reconnect into a community. We have made some great strides and friends in the process. I went back to school and now work in education-- a great fit for me! Our income is pretty low (something I do not advertise and I am very resourceful and careful with what we do have). We have a good quality of life considering. I work hard to create routines and rituals for my daughter and myself. Her dad is still abusive towards me and he is required to maintain distance, but still gets frequent parenting time with my daughter. I have sole custody, but this doesn't stop him from creating drama at my DD's school and with other children's parents-- and with my daughter. I guess my problem is two-fold because of the interference I get from my ex, but everyday I keep putting one foot in front of the other. We attend a nice small church and enjoy the people. I have my daughter enrolled in the same violin studio going on her third year now. I throw nice little gathering parties before each major holiday so that we have that ritual. We live in an apartment community and that may change eventually. Our friends tell me that they look forward to our gatherings. The truth is that holidays often end up lonely for me. They are exhausting and friends don't reciprocate much (they have young children, too, and extended family). Plus my ex does get my daughter 1/2 of the holiday time so I sometimes feel uncomfortable anyway. My daughter and I just started volunteering at a local food shelter to help families. My own family lives out of state, but they are always getting together and have an extensive community of friends. I can't move to be closer to them right now due to legal circumstances so I want to make the best of the situation. I am grateful every single day for all that I have. However, I am wondering what more I can and should be doing to create our village more?
I love your story.
I think in time your village will appear.
Just be friendly and helpful to those near you, and it will come back to you.
i think one must create it. And I think you do that by making smart choices and Trusting those you choose. Wishing you the best of everything for you and your little one.
I also do not live with near any family and am a firm believer in "it takes a village". The best thing I can suggest is to get involved in play groups, neighborhood events, and after school classes/sports and be social. I have a 4.5 yr old and a 9 mo old. I am fortunate to be a SAHM and have created a play date group with my daughters preschool class which has spawned to a Parents Night Out and a Preschool Play Date once a month with all 4 classes in the school. We also are outside a lot and have been very social woth our neighbors and have monthly game nights or BBQs with them. Both my girls are also involved in swim classes that we go to weekly. If you dont have the time to start your own, try and find events that are going on in your area. Put yourself out there and you will make lots of good and great friends this way who will become part of your village.
I agree with all of the others- but something I've realized for our little village, is that even when it takes me out of my comfort zone, it is up to me to extend friendship to others to be able to get that village going! So even when it's uncomfortable, you've got to get out of your own way sometimes! For us where we have found supporters is in our church and children's pre-school- luckily we do have family here, but even so, I think the kids need all kinds of good influences around- so the "village" is diverse for us! Good luck on your path and kudos for trying to get that village going for your sweetie! God Bless
--- Just read your EDIT. . . and wanted to tell you- to me it sounds like you are doing an AMAZING job at your village! Way to go mom, I am sure you are a role model to many many others! It does sound to me like the EX could be creating a kink in your plan- I wish I had advice on this, but have no experience here- I would say though, whenever you can (I'm sure your time is limited as a single working mom) try and volunteer at your school and get into activites at your church- get yourself more involved so people can get a chance to know you and your daughter- I'm sure once they do you will have a huge amount of supporters! Again Kudos to you- it sounds like you are a very smart woman, making great choices- just wish you could get that EX away! ; ) Btw- are you concerned at all for your daughters safety with him? Worries me a little, but of course I don't know him- and I'm sure you have to do what court orders are, but gheez- he sounds like bad news!
I would think in your situation that school, activities, church (if you go), relatives (whenever you see them), parents of friends, daycare (if you need that)...all of those would be your village. Whoever is around your child is the village.
As for us, our village seems to be just our immediate little family;-)
Once or twice a year I flew my daughters to my family for a holiday...Thanksgiving for instance. You have what I did not Skype and e-mail to keep your daughter attached to her mom's side of the family.
I built a network of women friends with whom I am still close. We've gone to each other's children's weddings and special events. The husbands became friends of my new husband.
I especially went out of my way to join with friends New Years Day. On weekends we went to the beach with these friends. A few times I was the hostess for Christmas for all these friends once because all planes were grounded for several days. Another time due to the custody arrangements the other Mamas didn't have their children. Sometimes we were the ones invited for Christmas.
There are other holidays that I filled with friends because we couldn't get to my family. Today my grandson is close to my mother and aunt who live nearby.
For 4th of July there are community events and parties given by friends. Don't be afraid to go to the second Thanksgiving dinner on Friday that your friends hold to get rid of the leftovers. It is still a way to mark the holiday.
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Check out the North Kitsap Options program at Gordon Elementary. I have had my children in this program for the last 7 yr. It's an amazing family, the tribe it takes to help each other raise all the kids. Contact me any time for more info, I have the phone number & they have a web site as well.
I am also a single mom with no help but lots of drama from the daddy. I had a really hard time for a long time with this because I wanted to create those connections but I didn't want to talk about the situation. I didn't want to be the mom with all the drama. But, eventually, I had to ask for help (babysitting), knowing that they would never need me to reciprocate. It was the best that could have happened in that regard. I think they had been waiting for me to just say that I needed help. A lot of my friends will move their schedules around to help me out and a lot of them make sure that their husbands are interacting with my son so that he can have that positive interaction and role model. It's really great. Also, you can find Mom's groups on thebump.com. I have a friend that has a great group of mom friends that she found on there.
Well, I may not have the most popular answer...
I do not agree that it takes a village. God puts children in families, not villages.The family is the one responsible for raising children. Now, some circumstances make it more difficult than others. It does sound like you are doing a beautiful job with your daughter. But, please know that you are the one raising her, not the village. You tuck her in bed at night,read her stories, feed her, love her. The village may offer distractions and entertainment, but they are not raising her.
