How Do You Discline a Sick Child

Hi A.,
I am so so sorry for your pain. It is a very difficult and painful position to be in. I am responding because my best friend has a 5 year old who has been diagnosed with Blooms disease. It is a very rare disease that will end up taking his life before his 20th birthday. We have discussed this very issue. Disciplining an ill child. The conclusion she came to is that she wants her sons life to be as "normal" as possible. In the definition of normal comes the fact that he must abide by the family rules. He now has a younger brother and my friend knows it is important to treat both of them exactly the same. She has been disciplining him the way she would if he was not ill and it works. I believe that all children want guidelines. They need to be shown limits so they feel in control, and they need the parent to hold the reigns so they do not feel out of control. As hard as it is, maybe you can think of it as doing him a favor. Making him the best person he can be and showing him he is loved no matter what.
Having an illness is very hard, sometimes I think it is harder on the parent and we feel guilty if we inflict any more pain. Discipline is set up to teach and guide not to create pain. If the house if chaotic and your son feels out of control, he is going to know you are treating him different. He has an illness, but that is part of his life that he needs to come to deal with. It is not an excuse to misbehave or be disrespectful.
I wish you all the best and hope you can find your balance between nurture and teaching. My prayers are with you and your son.
Good luck.
~A.

I can't even begin to relate to your story. I can only imagine what you must be going through. Our son went through two surgeries for hernias, including one that ended up as a lengthy hospital stay from infection. After that, his behavior was really bad. I think it was stemming from the time at the hospital when he didn't have any control over what was being done to him. It was his way of trying to regain control. What worked for us -- focus on praising the good behavior (even small things like playing nice with his sibling -- just periodically say things like "it makes mommy so happy when you share your toys with..." When he acts up, we used time out. The key there was be consistent in what you do and do it immediately when he acts out. Good luck and hang in there. The behavior will get better.
-H.

God Bless you with this problem. I would just treat him like your other child. I have a 10 year old son who is autistic and I found that if I treat him differently that my other son who is 2, he takes advantage of it. So Tony had learned to adapt to what behaviors are acceptable, etc. His brother is in the throws of the terrible 2s and it is very hard.

I would just stick with your instincts. And as far as the guilt goes, I know what you mean. Guilt Stinks. Just remember you have done everything you can for him and your job right now is just to love him and care for him to the best of your ability and raise him to be a great man one day.

Good Luck and I will pray that his condition continues to improve.

Hi, A.. First of all, I can't even imagine what you guys have been through.

I would also suggest finding someone who works with kids with chronic illness or cancer (and I'm sure you could use the support). And that he really needs some boundaries and limits. I was a family therapist before I became a SAHM and one of the things that became clear to me is that limits and boundaries help kids to feel safe. And he might need that even more than a child who hasn't been thru what he's been through. And someone who has some idea about how the tumor could affect his brain could help you understand what might be going on that is organic as opposed to just behavior. Also, remember to reward him with praise and love when he does do things he's supposed to.

Good luck,

S. H.

I strongly suggest you discuss the situation with a psychologist experienced with kids with serious illnesses. I have had some professional (medical) experience with pediatric oncology, so I know exactly what your son has been going through, and it is rough on both him and the family! Yes you should try to treat him as a completely normal 3 year old, but mentally and psychologically he may have been affected by treatment. I am sure some of his acting out is normal toddler stuff, but he may also be feeling anger and confusion that he doesn't understand or know how to handle.
Good luck!

His behavior sounds perfectly normal for a 3 yr old child, so honestly, I would discipline him as you normally would. His being ill is a sad fact he has to grow up with, and I'm sorry he's been so sick, but that's not exactly a "get out of being punished like your sibling for free" card KWIM? If he's acting out, then that probably means he needs more security and discipline such as his brother receives would show him that he's normal and the boundaries would help him feel more secure. Discipline shows him you love him, believe it or not. When I say discipline, BTW, I don't mean spanking. I mean teaching him appropriate behaviors and having appropriate punishments or consequences. Remove him from situations. Minimize the risk and make sure everything is adequately childproofed as much as possible. If he hits or throws something, have a consequence, such as taking his favorite toy away for an hour or sitting on the corner of his bed for a time out. When he's calmed down, talk with him about what it acceptable and lay out a plan that if he does such-and-such again, the same consequence will occur. Basically, treat him normally and you might see a change.

Hi A...

my son was born with Sturge Weber Syndrome, a seizure disorder and developmental delays. One thing I did was never use his 'different abilities' as an excuse for anyone, including myself to NOT discipline and set boundaries for him. Now is the time to set those boundaries because before you know it he will realize that because he has/had this diagnosis, HE can use it as an excuse to not comply with your discipline.

It is SO IMPORTANT that children learn that you mean what you say and say what you mean. There were many times when I'd be taking my three kids (now 22, 24 and 26) somewhere and if one of them started acting up in the car, they'd get a warning. If it continued, I'd pull over and they had 5 minutes to stop. If they didn't, we went home. That happened many times until they realized I meant it.

Do not feel guilty but recognise that you are giving him what he needs to emotionally develop well. If you don't treat him different, and make sure those around him don't either, he will grow and not feel he's DIFFERENT from the 'other kids'...

I love the SuperNanny book, and I highly reccomend it. Also a great book to read is Dr Brazelton's touchpoints. Great insight into the emotional development of children and how we can help and deal with it all.

best wishes :)
M.

Hi A.~ This must be so difficult for your whole family but it seems that you're a trooper! For his own good, as he interacts with others, Christian needs to know what's acceptable behavior and that there are tools he can use to deal with frustrating situations. It's completely understandable that you want to be very sensitive to him b/c he's had serious struggles but you'd really be helping him in the long run. Also, it's important to be fair to Carter. He needs to see that they're being treated similarly so he doesn't feel resentment.
Best of luck w/everything! P.

Your boys are so cute! I can't even imagine what your family has been through in the last year. I hope he continues to do well and that the tumor stays away.

As far as the discipline goes, you just have to do it like you would any child. If you let him get away with everything, he'll grow up rotten. Spoiling is one thing, rotten is another, you know? He needs the boundaries, all 3 year olds push it. So, don't feel guilty about disciplining him, it's a normal part of being a kid.