How Do You Divide the House Chores/duties with Your Spouse ???

My husband works and i stay at home, i consider the inside stuff to be my job and the outside stuff to be his. I expect my husband to rinse his plate, put laundry in the hamper, and put the seat down, i pretty much do the rest. He never ever tells me anything about how i clean, usually he tells me to stop and sit down. lol. I would not tolerate any lip on how well i clean, I dont tell him how to do his job either. cleaning and cooking and caring for the kids, IS my job. I dont feel trapped by it, or mistreated for having to doing it, because when and how well it gets done is up to me. If i worked id probably hire a maid to come once a week.

Personally, we also had the same arguement for many years. My biggest problem regarding this issue is that I got no respect for the work that I did. Everyone needs positive reinforcement for a job well done, and there was none for me. I love to work outside the home, and that has always brought me my self-esteem, so that is what I did. I worked part-time in the field of my specialty, the kids spent some time at daycare, and at the end of the day, I was happier and more fulfilled, the kids had fun part-time with other kids, I still got the housework done, and we were all better off.

Hot topic! My hubby adopted a similar attitude when I switched to PT. He does everything outside though. He will help with laundry and cooks occasionally.
If money is plenty--hire a cleaning lady!

That was my husbands attitude as well... so I yanked him up short.

My "job"???

Okay, then starting today I want a weekend, I want reasonable working hours (no more of the 14-16 hour days with no break... If I'm going to be working 16 hours than I need at LEAST 2 one hour lunch breaks plus overtime), I'm filing suit against a hostile work environment, and I want some goldurned RESPECT for the $2500 a month that I'm saving PURELY from not having to pay someone for childcare and for the phenomenal job that I DO.

I seriously lost it on him. As a matter of fact at one point in the conversation I said if he all he wanted from me was a maid, a nanny, a cook, and a prostitute... then he could darn well start paying me or find professionals to fill those positions because I was done.

<laughing> It was a rather eye opening conversation for him.

From that day onward I got *one* day a week (so we each had a one day weekend off of "work"). On my day off, in the beginning, I left. And he called a gazillion times. The first day I came rushing home. The second day I answered all of his questions. The third one I shut my phone off. Eventually I could stay home and relax on my day off, but it took awhile for my H not to just take total advantage of that.

Now... this may sound all very snarky... but my husband was NOT looking out for me. I was bending over backwards for him and for our family, and instead of a spouse who wrapped his arms around me and told me how wonderful I was for everything I did for our family... all I got was how HE was important and what a great job HE did for our family... and how tired HE was... blah blah blah. I looked out for my H, but no one was looking out for me. So after a couple years, I started to.

If I got hit by a bus tomorrow... ALL the things I currently do would be on him. Sans child-raising... OMG... WAIT... These are things *everyone* does for themselves. Every single iota (from shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.) are things that working single adults DO FOR THEMSELVES. But I was doing them all, and getting nothing but "I already worked today" BS from him.

NOBODY'S 8 hour day equals another person's 14 hour day. Period.

And yes, he tried the "well you have breaks built into your job, and you're not working CONSTANTLY like I am".... the fallacy of that argument aside:

A nanny working 40 hours a week would have the SAME job description I do (sans cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, etc). and be paid $2500 a month for it. Some jobs are more independent, more physical, more intellectual, more whatever... it doesn't change the fact that they are all WORK. To "replace" me as an "employee" my H would have to hire a bare minimum of TWO people AND be doing for himself what I currently did for him.

My H is a computer engineer. I had to seriously break everything down like this in black and white, and very direct in order for him to "wake up" and realize that he was NOT the only one working.

I agree, get a maid. Plus, if housework is your job tell him when your days off are and the hours you will work. He doesn't work 24/7 why should you?

No, you should not shut up and be the perfect little housewife, this is not the 1950s. This is not going to work for your marriage long-term.

Maybe you can figure out how many hours he works (sounds like more than 40) and commutes, and then keep a daily log of what you do and how long each thing takes. Then maybe he can see that you are never "off." At ages 1 and 3 you are lucky to be able to keep them fed, clean, napped, and not destroying the house, let alone to be able to keep the house clean. It's exhausting, and I agree that spending quality time with the kids is more important than cleaning.

If he makes decent money, pay to get the house cleaned weekly or biweekly, it would be sooo worth it. I've found that this is the only way that the whole house is clean at once. Barring that, tell him you will clean the house completely if he takes the kids out for the day (at least 5 hours) on a weekend.

I agree that you should leave town for a few days (or even just stay with a friend for a weekend) so he can see how difficult it is to get anything done around the house while taking care of young children.

It's important for the kids to see that men do housework too, otherwise they grow up thinking that it's normal for men to do nothing. Especially if you have a boy(s), your future daughter-in-law will not be happy with you.

My kids' father didn't know how to cook when we met, now he does all the cooking and loves it (and definitely prefers it to taking care of the kids). So men can and do change over time.

I agree with a lot of the things others said here, you got some great advice.

I agree that you should get a housekeeper if you can afford one, and it sounds like you can. Your primary job as a stay at home mom is your kids, taking care of them, feeding them, entertaining them and teaching them. That is full-time work with a 1 and a 3 year old. The household cleaning should be more of a split, in my opinion. Sure, its nice if you can get dinner ready and throw in a load of laundry when you have time, but why should it all be your responsibility? You should not be working 24 hours a day. Your husband has time off, lunch breaks, and I'm guessing here, I could be wrong, that you are the one who gets up in the middle of the night when one of the kids needs someone, so he likely gets much more rest than you do. My husband helps out around the house with dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc. without complaint. He understands that being mom comes first for me and that the housework is ours to share. It's not a 50/50 split on housework, but he pitches in and does his share.
Your "job" needs the same sort of boundaries that your husband's has, so set some.

Check out Flylady.net. She has great tips and ideas on how to keep your house clean without cleaning 24/7. If that's the ONLY problem in your marriage, then keep your house clean for him. You can also hire a cleaning lady... Good luck!

We had a financial guy actually tell my husband what I was worth. So we have a life insurance policy on me for the amount he would have to pay a year for 15 years to have someone to do my "job" if I should die.
He does a little here and there, tonight he is washing the dishes as I write this. He is not allowed to touch my washing machine or my laundry. But he will not allow me to handle his saws. If I want someting done I used to take a tool and do it then call him at work and say I used a man tool. He now always does what I ask if I might have to use any of his mantool.
It's all in the training. :o)
And I think Riley and I may be married to brothers. lol

I think one of the biggest ways to get him to help is consistency. Basically setting the expectation of what he will do and stick to it. For instance, on Sunday night I will tell him he needs to help me change the sheets on all the beds, since it goes much quicker with two people. Or I will bring the basket of laundry for us both to fold while we watch TV. Or as I am getting breakfast for the kids, I tell him to start a load of laundry. By doing this, he began to get used to the fact that he doesn't have a free pass to lounge around just because he's home. It doesn't help get the big chores done but it has gotten him on board to realize he needs to pull his own weight. Plus I think it's important for the kids to see us both doing stuff.

And I always make us both clean up the kitchen after the kids are in bed. No way will I clean up the kitchen alone when I was the one who grocery shopped AND cooked! So again, he is used to it now that kitchen clean up is a joint venture.

The other thing is he *has* to pick up after himself. No dishes left lying around, no messing up the bathroom sink and leaving it , no unmade bed etc. I really go crazy if he doesn't at least clean up his own messes!!

And seriously, if it's in the budget--get a housekeeper. Who wants to fight about it all the time? Your marriage is worth it--it's an easy fix to a fight if you can do it!

Plus good for you for having priorities with your kids and having fun. You dont need a perfect house, much better to have a fun mom!

Our lifestyles seem pretty similiar. I too have three children. I am a stay at home mom with a husband that makes us a very nice life. The Bay Area in California is expensive; so is Larchmont, NY. (My uncle and aunt live there; so beautiful!)

Every two weeks, a cleaning lady comes to do the 'heavy' cleaning (toilets, vaccuums, mops). I chose her because of how much she costs. She is not perfect but I trust her and again I am a SAHM so I figure anything not done or to my family's standards I can do 'again' which admittably is not much. I do pick up our stuff before she arrives and I clean as necessary on the off week, I do all the laundry, food shopping, take the children to school, manage all their needs (except Boy Scouts), make dinner (except on the weekends but my husband is a great barbequer), I get up in the middle of the night if the kids have needs (he doesn't), our school requires a minimum of 50 hours of volunteering which I do by myself even though there are opportunities at night or on the weekend, he pays the bills, he does mow the lawn and does the gardening (but he enjoys this/office and business suit during the week), I can't think of anything else....

I would scout around and see the cost of what a cleaning service / woman would cost you. I know that my uncle and aunt in your town has a wonderful lady that was full time but now that their kids are grown, she goes to a neighbor's to babysit and house clean some part of the week. I would imagine this cuts down the cost for both families.

I was placed on bedrest with my third child so my husband is now aware of how much I do get done in a day and how much time the children take even if two of the three are at school. By the way, I didn't ask about the house cleaner, I just hired. I figured if this was a cost we couldn't bear, he would say something (nothing said yet:)) He does complain about the cost of private education but that is another story.....

Good luck!

I would love to know what it was like not to be financially stressed. I am a stay at home mom. I home school our 10 and 6 year old as well as go to college myself. My husband works a very hard laboring job full time, is going to Theology school and he preaches as well. I do most of everything around the house. I even mow the yard so he does not have to come home and do it after working all day. But if I have had a hard day he will help out. He cleaned the living-room two times in the past week. I had midterms and so on to turn in. Over the week end he put in a new toilet, with a little help from me,lol. He will watch the children (by the way he is step dad and has been in their lives from the time they were 4 and 15 months). If I need him to get something for super before coming home he will run and get it before coming home after work. He will even do dishes which for some reason is the one thing we both dislike the most. (so need a dish washer). I will wash the clothes and he will run them to the dryer (outside in an outbuilding). We heat with a wood stove so we take turns more him than me bringing in wood and reloading wood on the porch. I know I do more but if one of us needs help the other for the most part jumps in to give a helping hand. To us that is a big part of being married and making it work.

I'm just wondering... when people have kids do they NOT think it's going to be a 24/7 job?

When I was married, my husband made a good living and worked A LOT of hours. That was HIS job. MY job was the house. If I couldn't handle it I hired it out. I was proud of being a mom 24/7 and handling all the duties around the house and thankful for a husband who kept it all going financially. Financial peace is a HUGE thing that many people these days do not have. It is worth much.

Now that I'm divorced (one daughter lives on her own and the 12-year-old with me) it's ALL my responsibility and I can still handle it.

If you can't handle it, hire it out. Especially if your husband is employed and supporting the family financially entirely by himself.

I read everything hoping I'd get great advice for my household but not really. My husband and I both work and yes, we fight over chores.
when I read this to my husband he said "would you rather have a sparkling kid or a sparkling house?" Get one of those plaques that says something about 20 years from now it wont matter how clean my house was, it will matter how much time I spent with my child, and hang it where he can see it.
The best way to get him to see what you do every day would be to go away for several days and leave him with the kids. (dont fill the house with groceries and fill the fridge with home made casseroles either!) Tell him you've been working 7 days a week since the first child was born and its time you had a few days off. Leave him a clean house and tell him you expect it to be clean when you get back. when you get back he should be more understanding. Then he'll understand when you hire a woman to come in once a week it REALLY helps and you'll have more time for the kids and isn't THAT why you are staying home?
Mu hubby was a SAHD and still I did most of the cleaning, shopping, errands, etc. Finally I got it across to him I was not going to do it all anymore. (he did work outside the house when I came home but I told him I worked more hours outside the house than he did so he should do more than just babysit. He hired a cleaning lady to come in once a week. We did that for a year or two and now he also knows the monetary value of kicking in with the housework.
I like peoples ideas of writing down everything you do for him to see it in black and white, men dont know what needs to be done, then he can choose a few chores to do off the enormous list.

If you are happy with the house being less than sparkling, then when he makes a remark about it, say "Well I cooked dinner, did 3 loads of laundry today, changed 4 poopy diapers, unpacked and packed the dishwasher, cleaned the kitchen counters, fed our children three meals, gave them both a bath, showered myself, and vacuumed the house. If you would like the kitchen mopped tonight, then maybe you can do it. I am done for today."

You can only do so much. I am lucky that my husband doesn't mind a less than shiny floor. But I am similar to you (SAHM of one boy, we're okay financially). My husband doesn't do a lot of chores. Well I guess he doesn't do any 'housework'. But he doesn't complain when I don't do them either. He knows I will get them done in my own time.

Have your kids help you though -- my 2.5 yr old loves to help me unpack the silverware, load the washing machine, then load clean wet clothes into the dryer. He has learned too to help me crack the eggs when we cook. This morning's scrambled eggs only had one little bite of shell in it. HA.

There is no splitting LOL, I am a SAHM with 2 kids like you, my hubby works around 60 hours a week, he is too wrecked when he comes home to do housework - I do all that, the house is never perfect, it can't be when you are home all day - tell him to stop being rude about it unless he wants to pitch in!

he does help to put the baby to bed most nights which I really appreciate, but other than that everything else falls to me - it's just the way it is with most men, actually when I worked full time it was still the same way!

no - don't shut up, but try asking nicely for him to give you a little help, probably he would not do laundry or cooking/cleaning, but maybe he could take out the trash, help with bathing kids ro stuff like that

I am a SAHM and my husband travels, so he's not even home with us M-F, yet still offers to help me around the house. Your husband needs to get his act together, this isn't the stone age where the women do it all. When my husband comes home on the weekends, he asks me what I'd like to get accomplished...if the bathrooms need to be cleaned, he digs right in and helps. If the laundry needs to be done, he does it. Husbands should be helpful...it takes a village to raise kids and keep up the house, especially if you don't have the luxury of a nanny or housekeeper.

Good luck...hope he starts realizing what a hard job you have!
Lynsey

This is my situation as well, but it doesn't bother me. My children are 5,3,1. My husband usually cooks Friday and Saturday nights and sometimes takes the 2 older kids on a weekend afternoon. Otherwise, I do it all. He also fixes things around the house when he can, and mows the lawn. I'm just so thankful that because he works, I get to stay home and have my dream job.

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This is my situation as well, but it doesn't bother me. My children are 5,3,1. My husband usually cooks Friday and Saturday nights and sometimes takes the 2 older kids on a weekend afternoon. Otherwise, I do it all. He also fixes things around the house when he can, and mows the lawn. I'm just so thankful that because he works, I get to stay home and have my dream job.

Updated

This is my situation as well, but it doesn't bother me. My children are 5,3,1. My husband usually cooks Friday and Saturday nights and sometimes takes the 2 older kids on a weekend afternoon. Otherwise, I do it all. He also fixes things around the house when he can, and mows the lawn. I'm just so thankful that because he works, I get to stay home and have my dream job.

Updated

This is my situation as well, but it doesn't bother me. My children are 5,3,1. My husband usually cooks Friday and Saturday nights and sometimes takes the 2 older kids on a weekend afternoon. Otherwise, I do it all. He also fixes things around the house when he can, and mows the lawn. I'm just so thankful that because he works, I get to stay home and have my dream job.

Updated

This is my situation as well, but it doesn't bother me. My children are 5,3,1. My husband usually cooks Friday and Saturday nights and sometimes takes the 2 older kids on a weekend afternoon. Otherwise, I do it all. He also fixes things around the house when he can, and mows the lawn. I'm just so thankful that because he works, I get to stay home and have my dream job.

Remember... YOU work all day too, it's just different. Also, if it is YOUR job then where is your paycheck? My husband has played those same cards with me and I won't tolerate it. I used to have a corporate sales job before I had kids and worked 80 hours per week easily. That job was easy compared to being a stay at home mom. You have no breaks as a SAHM.

We are in a groove now. One thing that helps is after dinner one of us will give the kids a bath, read books and brush teeth while the other one cleans the kitchen and floor. I am not stuck doing both. Also, I have a designated toy room that the toys stay in. Otherwise the house would be a disaster and I would feel overwhelmed. Also, my friend has a great theory. She says that if her house is sparkling and looking great then she isn't being a good mom. You can't have it both ways: well rounded kids because you have spent all day playing with them as well as cleaning your house. It is one or the other.

I know some moms that pay a maid to clean just their bathrooms every few weeks because they can handle everything else while keeping an eye on the kids. The bathroom chemicals are the worst for kids to breathe in so I kind of agree with this.

Once your kids are are both a little older it will get a lot easier. They will be able to pick up their toys, get themselves dressed, etc. On days you are really tired use paper goods for meals. It's not so green but it will get you through the days you are completely exhausted. Best of luck and keep up the great work!

While I didn't read all the responses, I am not so sure I agree with some of them... You certainly need to come to an agreement so he helps some, especially cleaning up after himself and helping on the weekends. Ask him if you would prefer to pay someone to cut the grass or if he would like to do it, kind of like when we give our kids a choice between 2 things, you HAVE to choose one or the other.

Here's where I disagree a bit... yes kids need arts/crafts, stories, play time, ouside time etc etc, however, your kids also need to see that housework can be a family thing. They can learn how to dust, pick up after themselves, bring their dishes to the kitchen, set the table, take dirty clothes to the laundry etc. Fly lady is great for getting organized and staying that way. Have your children pitch in and help, as much as they can at their ages.

I have a home daycare, and even the kids who are 2 bring their own dishes to the kitchen counter, and bring some of their lunch to the table cups and depending on what they are having that day, they pick up toys before going outside/before lunch/before naps etc. They help make cookies/muffins/banana bread and do other little things, I want to help them become well rounded and know there is more to life than just playing, when mom (or dad) has help with chores, they have more time for doing fun stuff as a family, it is a win-win for the family.

He doesn't work 24/7 and neither should you. Check out Fly lady... It can help with your chores and also it has some parts for the other members of your family to do to.

I haven't read all of the responses so I may be echoing others, but here is my opinion:

I am also a SAHM and my husband sounds similar to yours. He has never spoke the words that the feels that he shouldn't do housework or anything (though his mother has told me that work is his job and staying home is mine), but his actions say it. His only regular chores:
-take out the trash (usually after it is overflowing and I have asked several times)
-mow the lawn (after it is a foot tall and I have asked several times as well. Also, mowing is the only yard work, I do everything else)
-bathes our daughter (18 months old).

He will occasionally do the dishes, but only if I ask him to do it. His laundry is usually everywhere (upstairs, in all three bathrooms, our room, living room, hall way, etc) and his dishes usually sit and crust on the counter unless I have time to get them immediately. He likes to come home and play on his computer after work.

I 100% think you need to demand help. I only have one child and I am exhausted, too! I also feel like I clean all the time including the weekends and my house is never sparkling either. I know exactly where you are coming from and it is not always a fun life. Keeping up a house, kids, and a husband is a lot of hard work.

You say you are doing financially well. Have you thought about hiring some help? What about once a week to do big chores like mopping, dusting, bed sheets, bathrooms, etc. You could just straighten the house in between and care for every day things like dishes. Though I know it wouldn't be the same as getting help from your husband, maybe it will take some stress off so you aren't fighting as much. You could maybe hire a teenager to come over once or twice a week to entertain the kids for an hour or two so you can have some personal time to relax or maybe shop without them. If we had extra money, I would do both of the above. I would love to be financially stable. Maybe if you did that your husband would decide that he would rather do the work than to shell out the money, too. Then you would definitely win.

Wow, that's a tough one. Before we had kids, and we both worked, if I cooked, he cleaned up. If he cooked, I cleaned up. I did my laundry, he did his. Once we had kids and I stayed home, those chores slowly shifted to being all mine - not through discussion but just through evolution. When my kids were younger, as yours are now, he probably pitched in a little bit more than he does now but when it came to weekends, he knew I needed a break from the kids for my sanity, as well as, it's important for them to spend time with their dad and not just mom. Does your husband help out with the kids? get them out of the house to play so that you can do other things around the house? I think that's what should be happening. I will say that when they were younger, I really needed the help and felt that my "job" was very stressful - it's VERY tough with little kids. But, now that they're older and in school and I really do have the day to myself, I do just about everything around the house. My husband has a very stressful job that I would never want to have for myself. I think he needs to know that he doesn't have to stress about stuff at home. That said, if I haven't gotten to the laundry he needs done, he will throw a load in. We sometimes order in food if I haven't had the chance, or just don't feel like cooking. We probably lead a very traditional 1950s lifestyle here but it works for us. If your husband helps out with the kids, I would probably not stress over the household chores belonging to you. Is his job very stressful or is it somewhat easier where he could help out a bit more at home? I don't know if they realize how physically and emotionally stressing raising 2 little ones really is. I don't think that the rude comments are necessary though. When you're outside of the moment and not in an argument, I would certainly ask him not to make those kinds of comments and tell him that you are doing the best that you can. Raising 2 little ones is the hardest thing you will ever do. It does get easier. When they're 3, 4, 5, life gets so much easier. You're almost there. I'm rambling but I hope this helped.

i am also a SAHM and my boyfriend works sometimes over 80+ hours aweek to provide for us. so i only ask that he bring the clean clothes up and take the dirty ones down. other then that i dont ask for to much. i get what i want most times, and if i don't i have my own money. we only have 1 car but he will catch the bus to work just so i can have the car. he doesn't make comments about the house to much so when he does i try to step my game up because not much gets him upset, he know kids make messes and someitmes i get tired so no big deal. but don't get it twisted he will get cussed out if he says to much or gets on my nerves lol. so itry not to bother him to much about house chores because he does work alot to make sure we have what we need and most of what we want. so maybe cut him a slight break? but just let him know the snide somments ar not needed and if he sees something that is bothering him to just let you know and you will try to take care of it. i wish you the best of luck.

I'm currently staying at home; my husband also works long hours. I do the vast majority of the housework -- I don't think he's gone grocery shopping, cooked a meal. swept the floors or done a load of laundry in forever (he'd be willing to if I asked, but those are just things I do in our marriage). Although I often wish he'd notice the mess and help clean more, I do sometimes find he's done the dishes or tidied just because he saw it needed to be done. On weekends, I still do more around the house, probably because I'm in the habit and he's not.

I did expect motherhood to be a 24/7 job, but I too have told him that whereas he gets to take a lunch break (some days), to listen to music on the train commute and to leave work at the end of the night, I have none of those luxuries. I signed up for motherhood but he signed up for fatherhood, too.

It's an ongoing process, negotiating who does what. We have swung from pretty evenly dividing chores to me doing most of them, and we'll have to renegotiate when I go back to work. But we always try to share the work to some degree based upon how much time we each have.

He is right. This is your job. So when he gets home you walk out and take your "dinner break", your "lunch break". Also get some help with the house work. Even I hire my neice occassionally to do the family laundry. If I had a bigger house I would definitely get a cleaning lady to come in and do the deep cleaning every other week. If my kids were smaller, I would have some meals prepared by someone else too but I do require hubby to cook at least one day a week. My kids cook too, they are 14 & 15 and know how to make an entire meal (dessert included).

Like with any job, you must at times negotiate the terms of your employment. If he can't see that for you this "job" is 24 hours a day 7 days a week, it is your "JOB" to show him. If you get some major help with the cleaning that you don't seem to like. Your life will improve. Our motto is to hire out for those things we just don't like doing.

Child care plus housekeeping adds up to much more that a typical full time job, especially when the kids are young and not in school yet. If you can afford to get help with the cleaning, do it. With 1 baby or toddler you can do most of the work but with 2 toddlers it takes 2 parents! My kids are 1 and 4 and my husband helps as well as working and we are both exhausted a lot of the time. If we could afford it we would hire someone to help with the cleaning and a regular 1 time a week babysitter in the evening. As a teenager I had the job of babysitting for a family 1 afternoon and evening a week so the mom could get a night out. Her husband was a doctor and never came home until the kids were in bed during the week. This was such a good arrangement I am still friends with the family 25+ years later.

The other thing that would bother me is you husband's attitude--why is he entitled to not lift a finger? My parents have a pretty traditional gender split on the household work--my mom cooks and does the majority of the indoor cleaning and did most all of the childcare when we were young but my father mows the lawn, works on the yard, garden, deck/patio and outdoor house upkeep, washes and maintains both cars, fixes things in the house and takes out the trash. My mom did work very hard when we were young...and it seriously took her years to get my father to just put his dishes in the sink after a meal. With young kids there is a lot of work for both parents! If your husband doesn't want to lift a finger then he needs to hire a houshold staff.

I am a stay at home so the house is mostly my responsibility, although since I cook all the meals my husband does straighten the kitchen after dinner, rinsing the dishes and packaging the food. BUT, he knows that the kids are OURS, not mine, so once he gets home from work he takes over the kids. Doesn't your husband want to spend time with his kids? For my husband he can not wait to get home to take his boys out for a hike, or a bike ride, or just to play cars in their room with them.

So what if your house isn't sparkling. Your children are! Its wonderful that you spend that kind of quality time with them which is why you are a SAHM right? Otherwise wouldn't you be working too? Hubby should be more concerned about your and your children's well-being than having a sparkling house. If he wants it to be sparkling then he should help out. You are not a slave!

I have a SAHM friend who once said to me, "I am a stay at home mom, not stay at home wife". At first I was like go girl! But then I saw that to her, it meant she was home to play with her daugher, go on moms night outs, do art activities, park, etc., and she was not doing chores, food shopping, etc. This is unfair I think. I stay home too and while I do not do everything in my home, I have to bear the burden of doing most as it is only right. Sometimes it is harder than others with an 11 month old son to care for, but working outside of the home is stressful too and hubby and I try to balance it. I say, your home does not have to be sparkling, but it cannot be all fun times and arts and crafts! And on the weekends, you should split some chorse a bit. But you have to do your part during the week to clean up and hubby should not just drop something and not get it. Put some more focus on the household duties like he is focusing on working hard to allow you to stay home.

Your work has as much value as your husband's, but it sounds like you are working harder and more hours. I'm sure he gets lunch breaks, coffee breaks, bathroom breaks, and weekends off. You deserve time off, too. There is no need for you to work 24/7. Maybe you can go away for a weekend and allow him to take care of the kids and the house and perhaps that will help him get an appreciation for all that you do. It sounds like you are already being a perfect housewife, and you also have the right to demand help too. Good luck!

Since your husband feels as if the house should be your job alone, I wonder if he would consider the age-old (but politically incorrect) division of labor agreement in which the woman is in charge of the inside of the house and the man is in charge of what's outside it?

If that will work for him, go for it. That'll take some of the load off you. (For starters, he'll be doing half the window-washing.) The exception to this would be that he should pick up after himself. It's important for him to set this example for your children.

The business world teaches that when a person has a responsibility, there are two ways to fulfill that responsibility: 1) do it yourself, or 2) hire somebody else to do it. So, since you have the money, hire a cleaning lady to come in once every one or two weeks. It's a perfectly acceptable practice. You'll still have plenty to do!

I'm with you on the arts and the activities, so you want to find a system of day-to-day housekeeping that will make you more efficient. That gives you more time for the fun stuff with your children!

I like Flylady.com because I think their guidelines are very sensible (particularly the timer and decluttering guidelines - I adapt them to my own situation); the site is a little overwhelming at first, but it's really worth investigating seriously.

This whole response may sound countercultural, but from reading your post I think you really like being at home. Think about whether you will seriously want him messing with your house after you know for sure the work will be done efficiently in a better way!

I have been doing most of the chores (except some dishes) because my husband works two jobs and when he gets home he really wants to spend time with our son before he goes to bed (especially since with his work scheadule he doesnt see him everyday) before he piccked up the second job we spilt things pretty evenly. my husband is very understanding. he knows our toddler is a handfull and if i ask him to do a certain chore he has no problem with it (sometimes he even stays up late to do the dishes)

I am an at home mom and take charge of the home. One thing we did was to have a cleaning woman come once every 2 weeks. Since my husband valued clean more than I - and I just don't get it as clean as he can even when I did my best - it worked out beautifully. He was happy b/c the house was clean; I was happy b/c I didn't feel like I was always cleaning.

Something that also helped was hearing from a friend whose own mother was told, "Being a mom is a profession. Get dressed in the morning and treat it like the best job you ever had. You are your own boss and creativity is limitless." I got rid of sweat suits and get dressed once my feet hit the floor. It really helps me get things going.

Some other things that help me is to have a schedule - put the baby in a playpen (ie crib) for 45 minutes in the morning for morning clean up. The three year old can definitely work with you (they love being with mom) cleaning up their things. Afternoons there is quiet time for 2 hours - nap or the 3 year old stay in the room with books, on her bed - no feet on the floor. Then you can rest, read, or tidy up. Everybody gets a break.

A few other things I've done is make dinner - most of the prep at least - right after lunch - when the kids are happy and can play for a bit. Pre-dinner seems to be the fussy time.

There is a big difference between bitter bickering and going out to dinner and having a glass of wine and after a good meal, talking about both of your vision of family life.

Finally, make sure you are having fun with your girl friends during the day - plan crafts together or meet at a park, library story hour, etc - so you can see each other. Then, as women, we get our words spoken to a peer, have some fun, share the daily stresses and swap ideas about child rearing - with women who like that thing. Your husband loves you, but no man wants to hear all the details we are intimately interested in. And children tend to be a lot more interesting to them once they can talk, throw a ball, use a hammer - women love to cuddle - men love to DO things.

So, work on being happy in yourself and in your life. Then, I find my husband is happy to help with specific things. If he feels that if he does one thing, he'll be made to do 'everything', then, just ask for one specific thing - "Jim, on your way out the door, can you please take out the garbage?"

You can do it!

He works and so should you. You have fun doing crafts and having adventures with the kids while he is working. And you want him to help after a hard days work? Frankly I dont understand why you are ALWAYS cleaning like a 'mad woman'. I was a stay at home mom with FOUR children and an 8 room house to take care of and I didn't expect my husband to do anything around the house. On weekends he did yard work if I didnt get to it and did minor repairs, also if I didnt get to it or wasnt able to. Not only did I take of 4 kids, but I painted rooms, grew a garden and also joined a bowling league. No I am not superwoman, but I was organized. May I suggest you have fun with the kids in the morning and clean the house right before hubby gets home. Teach the kids not to make a mess at that time except in their room or playroom. My house was clean, dinner on the stove and then I changed into something nice and fixed my hair and makeup in time for him to come home.

I think perhaps some counselling might be in order. I know of other husbands like yours and he needs it made clear to him that just because you do not earn an income, it does not mean that you need to work 7 days a week when surely he does not. You may not have a mutual understanding of what a stay at home mom does - you may feel that your job is primarily to care for, educate and entertain the children and he may think it's to clean house. While a 50/50 split is not necessary, if you're both home on the weekend, for instance, it should not be beyond him to participate in the dishes, the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning up. Dads who are not at home with their kids for entire days may simply not understand what your day is like and that when caring for a toddler and preschooler, there is an awful lot that needs your energy. Maybe when you are too tired for sex, it'll sink in. If he's making rude comments, then he truly doesn't understand and perhaps some counselling or mediation will help him to get a better understanding of what you are doing at home, and what reasonable expectations are.

I'm a working mom. Wish I was a SAHM. I spend most of my time praying that my husband doesn't help. When he helps the wash doesn't smell clean and things get put places when I can't find them. I would rather do things myself. There are little things that do help, which sometimes my hubby will do and sometimes he won't. I made up a point not to get on his case and when I see my family started to get disrepectful, I call a family meeting to discuss how all of us, including myself, can be more respectful. (You might have to do that with your hubby.) I do toss a dish cloth to my hubby, if he's not watering the garden, to clean off the table after I've picked up the dishes. (It has to look equal to men.) I tell him I'm running a little late with the dishes and ask him if he could empty the garbage while I do the dishes. If he's too tired, I leave the garbage for in the morning; however, I have the garbage all bundled up so he only has to take it out. Marriage is a give and taken type of deal. I also fuss over him when he just plain helps out, which means biting my lip about the smell of the wash.

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I'm a working mom. Wish I was a SAHM. I spend most of my time praying that my husband doesn't help. When he helps the wash doesn't smell clean and things get put places when I can't find them. I would rather do things myself. There are little things that do help, which sometimes my hubby will do and sometimes he won't. I made up a point not to get on his case and when I see my family started to get disrepectful, I call a family meeting to discuss how all of us, including myself, can be more respectful. (You might have to do that with your hubby.) I do toss a dish cloth to my hubby, if he's not watering the garden, to clean off the table after I've picked up the dishes. (It has to look equal to men.) I tell him I'm running a little late with the dishes and ask him if he could empty the garbage while I do the dishes. If he's too tired, I leave the garbage for in the morning; however, I have the garbage all bundled up so he only has to take it out. Marriage is a give and taken type of deal. I also fuss over him when he just plain helps out, which means biting my lip about the smell of the wash.

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I'm a working mom. Wish I was a SAHM. I spend most of my time praying that my husband doesn't help. When he helps the wash doesn't smell clean and things get put places when I can't find them. I would rather do things myself. There are little things that do help, which sometimes my hubby will do and sometimes he won't. I made up a point not to get on his case and when I see my family started to get disrepectful, I call a family meeting to discuss how all of us, including myself, can be more respectful. (You might have to do that with your hubby.) I do toss a dish cloth to my hubby, if he's not watering the garden, to clean off the table after I've picked up the dishes. (It has to look equal to men.) I tell him I'm running a little late with the dishes and ask him if he could empty the garbage while I do the dishes. If he's too tired, I leave the garbage for in the morning; however, I have the garbage all bundled up so he only has to take it out. Marriage is a give and taken type of deal. I also fuss over him when he just plain helps out, which means biting my lip about the smell of the wash.

There are two parts to this question, and two parts to my answer:
1) what is the fair division of labor with one stay at home spouse?
2) what's up with your husband's attitude?

answer to 1) yes, you should take point on household tasks, as well as taking care of the kids. You have 40-60 extra "prime" hours in the day when you are home, as well as some level of nap time. Your house should not be sparkling, but it should be livable, and there should be food. If you get a housekeeper (which I would recommend if you can afford it), you should supervise her. Unless you have a huge house, though you should be able to keep it reasonably clean in less than an hour a day, leaving plenty of time for crafts & stuff.

answer to 2) Being a stay at home mom may be your "job," but he isn't your boss! It is fair to expect that you put MORE hours in, but not ALL the hours. And rude comments are simply not acceptable. You deserve respect at your job, just like he does.

Also, you are choosing to be a stay at home MOM, not a stay at home cook/housekeeper. The reason you both agreed to this arrangement is (I'm sure), not so you could eat off your bathroom floors, but so your kids would have the benefit of your time and company, and so at least one parent could be there to enjoy their early childhood. Remind him of that, and keep that goal in sight. A stressed mom and an ultra-clean house are not doing anyone any good.

Finally, he is not only depriving you of help and down time, he is depriving the kids of dad time, and the ability to see a fair division of labor in the home. And he's depriving HIMSELF of the ability to participate fully in his home life - what he's supposedly working so hard to create and support.

I know that this is my job, and yes to the previous response, I KNEW it was a 24/7 job, but this is how I phrased it to my boyfriend. "Do you get a break at work?" His response was yeah, not a lot but he gets one. "Do you get to clock out and come home?" His response was yes. I told him (a long time ago) he can start sleeping at work, because I do. I am on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week, with numerous responsibilities and no 10 minute break...ever! I deserve 10 minutes to myself every now and then, he can play with the baby while I do some dishes, he can occupy her while I can go to the bathroom ALONE, he can change a diaper because I am in the middle of sweeping up crumbs. He can take out the trash, he can mow the lawn on his day off. Yes I do more then him, but the fact is he still helps out. He lives here, he makes a mess here, he drops his dirty clothes here, and he helped make the baby we have together....therefore he can do something. Even small things add up.
In our house there are chores that are definately his and definately mine. Sure every now and then we help each other out with those, there are chores that can only be done while someone occupys the baby (of course we can't leave her in the house alone, there are chores that have to be done together, like pruning trees (we have a lot). It's just an unspoken agreement. I wish you luck...hang in there!

If he thinks your job is a stay at home mom, make out a bill..

Daycare $750.. x # kids per month =
Nurse $65. per hr x hrs =
Personal Chef with grocery delivery $45. per hour x hrs =
Personal laundry pick up and delivery $2.50 per lb x lbs =
Chauffeur $35. per hour x hrs =
Lifestyle coach $100. per hour x hr =

I think he needs a second job.. he cannot even begin to afford you..
He needs to get a grip and realize this is 2010.. this is his family, his beloved wife and his home. His kids are watching and listening to everything and he is not setting a good example.

He can throw out the trash, take all of the laundry to the laundry room. fold clothing while watching TV.. cook at least one meal a day on each of his days off.
Feed the pets in the morning and then again at night. Take the kids to the park at least 3 times a week. Call every day and ask if he needs to pick up anything from the store on his way home from work.. Be in charge of the upkeep and washing of the vehicles. Vacuum either the bedrooms or the living areas once a week.

Ido not think this is too much for such a successful man. His payment will be a delighted wife and children who know that their mother is loved and their father is PART of the family.. .

My husband works full-time and 2 years ago I went back to work, but am also a student. I stayed home for 21 years and can sympathize with you, being a stay at home mom is harder than going to work. Also even though I work outside of the home, I am still responsible for the housework. So with that being said what we did was my husband does the yard work and fixing anything that needs to be fixed (ex: changing a plug outlet, fixing the toilet, redoing the bathroom) and I do the major housework, painting, decorating, caring for the kids, etc. I will say this if the dishes for example need to be done my husband will do them so I guess you can say we share responsibilities. Talk to your husband and if he complains about the house then do what I do tell him to do it himself if he thinks he can do a better job. LOL Years ago I wasn't getting any help from the kids so I went on strike, they all changed their tune within 2 days. LOL

Dear S., I have been a mom for a long time. I had 3 children, all a year apart and also had a husband who did not think he needed to help. I had to eliminate some of the things I once did regularly, like changing curtains and washing windows. My children came first and as long as my kitchen and bathroom & clothes were clean, and the dinner cooked I was OK. My second husband is more apt to help but not a regular schedule, just when I ask. Set your priorities and try to enjoy your children, they do grow so fast. Grandma Mary, PS I also had 2 more 16 mos apart (mom of 5) I hope this helps.......