How Do You Handle Christmas Morning?

My in-laws live close and my husbands siblings all live out of state so we're it as far as grandkids and Christmas. We celebrate with just us in the morning and then Christmas night we go to my in-laws for dinner and do Christmas with them.

Gosh, he needs to rethink this. Sounds like her has some issues going on here. IF his parents were alive, I wonder if her would feel the same about them being there?

The children love having her there. And she has no where else to go.

Time to find a compromise. Both of you have valid points.

Why not--- Have kids come to you in the morning and open gifts etc with you and hubby. Then invite mom over to have breakfast together. She can stay a bit and play with the kids etc. GL

M

Tell him to picture that being you - kids are grown, something unfortunate happened to him, leaving you all alone. Would he want you to sit alone on Christmas morning? Or would he be delighted that one of your children would welcome you in?

Nope, Christmas morning is JUST US, no extended family. Your mom can wait until you have time to shower and get dressed before coming over ;) Trust me, my mother is the guilt trip queen, I've been in your shoes and put my foot down!!

Either that, or start making mimosas as soon as you get up ;)

Well, this is unusual for me (tehehe), but I am on your husband's side.

I kinda feel like Rachel D, Christmas morning is pretty intimate. I completely understand why he would want it to be just you and the kids. Even if he has a great relationship with your mom.

I also think it's cool he had the guts to say so, instead of harboring resentment year after year. So NOT like a man!

My mom is alone too. It would never occur to me to have her stay overnight at my house to be there for the big moment. She's already had HER OWN big moments with HER kids. She DOES come later (as well as most of the rest of my family, and we do those presents when everyone gets here). I love my mom very much and enjoy her company.

Still, that Christmas morning feels like it should be Mom Dad and kids only to me.

:)

If my husband's mom slept over *every* Christmas Eve, I would be irritated too. My opinion on Christmas morning is this, I work hard all year providing for my son and I feel I deserve to have that special time - just a few hours in the morning - with my little family, without extended family in the mix. They can come over later. And I love my own parents dearly, and we see them ALL the time. But I would not want them staying over every Christmas Eve. Even if I did - if my husband asked me for a Christmas morning that was just us - I would say No Problem in a heartbeat. Because he works hard all year too, he is the Dad and I respect his feelings.

I hope this doesn't sound too critical but it sounds like you don't really care how your husband feels. You are discounting his feelings, trying to explain them away based on the fact that he lost his parents - so you are making him into the "bad guy" who has no sense of family obligations. I don't think that's fair. Maybe it's not about that....maybe he just want to enjoy Christmas morning with his wife and kids! Also, it sounds like you are maybe not being honest with yourself about how important this is to you....you are kind of making it all about not wanting to hurt your mom's feelings, but I'm getting the sense that a lot of this is about you wanting Christmas "your way". I'm sorry if that sounds harsh!

I mean really, look at all the recent posts on here from moms complaining about their in laws horning in on Christmas in one way or another. And everyone is replying, Don't feel guilty for wanting Christmas just for your little family, it's not selfish at all, have your husband tell them to back off. But now that it's the opposite situation, most of the responses are saying Grandma should be involved. I find that odd.

I am on your side. Christmas without young ones loses some of the magic. Why rob grandma of that? How will you and your husband want to be treated in the future by your kids and grandkids? To be excluded is just sad. It is a family holiday. Just ask the kids to run to your room first, that it is important to Daddy to be woken up by them on Christmas morning and be the 1st grown up to see their smiling faces...like a Christmas present to Dad. THEN run and grab grandma. - We lost my MIL about 6 years ago. She was the best grandparent of the group and we miss her so much. We would give anything to have a Christmas morning with her. She added energy and spark and joy. Life is more lonely without her.

I have to say this. Your husband is acting like a poopy head!

My MIL has lived with us since my FIL passed away (here in FL she is in the house next door, in PA her apartment was attached). I can't imagine her not being with us on Christmas morning she is a part of our family.

He should realize that she won't be around forever and thankful that your kids love her too. I think he is being selfish about this, and I am sure your kids will be hurt if grandma is not there in the morning. It is like she is part of their gifts.

I think your husband is crazy. I think its great your mom takes such great involvement and the kids enjoy it too. How sad, that the feelings of your husband had to be shared with your mother.
Family is so precious....I don't think anyone should be taken for granted. I personally would tell my husband to suck it up and get over it. Hope you get things worked out and have a good Christmas.

Added: I would never hesitate to allow my mom or MIL to join us if I had a similar scenario as you. Holidays are not for being spent alone...everyone needs someone.

I kind of get where your hubby is coming from. Is there any way she can just come over Christmas morning? That way you, your hubby and kids can wake up and have breakfast and enjoy Santa gifts and stockings just your immediate family? Growing up in his 20s without his parents probably meeans he envisions Christmas morning without the grandparents because he never envisioned his parents there. Have you talked to him openly about this? Asked him if it's because he feels like there is no 'immediate' family time on that day?

On the other hand I completely understand you wanting your mom to be there because you do not want her to be alone (understandable). I think you both (or at least you) need to sit down and talk with her. You and hubby obviously do not want to hurt or offend her, but you cannot help it if your hubby wants you and your kids to himself for a few hours Christmas (or any) morning. I'm sure there is some sort of compromise you can come up with.

Ask your husband to think about the fact that his own children enjoy having Grandma at your home for Christmas - and also that, in fewer years than he's imagining, she won't be able to be there for Christmas because she won't be living.

Be curious, not angry. Ask him what he would prefer to do on Christmas that he feels he can't do because Grandma is there. Or is it the fact that it's your mother and it can't be his? Does he feel outnumbered or left out somehow? You've given one important clue about his feelings already.

If he'll talk to you more about it, maybe there are things you can do to make him feel more valued. Everyone wants to feel valued. Here's one idea, stemming from what you've written: let your children know, today and tomorrow - *secretly* - that Daddy has done a whole lot all year long just so they can have a happy Christmas, and they need to give him presents of hugs and kisses FIRST THING Christmas morning - before they open a package, and before anything else. Tell them that both you and Grandma would be tickled pink for them to do this every year. (This is a very sensible suggestion, because you would like to be made to feel special that way on your birthday and on Mothers' Day, and children do need this kind of cue-ing!)

I'm a grandma and I LOVE being with my grandchildren; in addition, my children are pretty generous about my being with their kids. However, if I were aware that even one family member didn't want me at their home, I wouldn't want to go. I'd prefer to volunteer at a charity meal or visit shut-ins on Christmas day than be in anyone's home where I wasn't actually welcome.

I agree with your husband. Why can't the kids open gifts with you guys and then have your mom come over a little later and the kids open gifts from her? She had her opportunity to see her kids open gifts on Christmas morning, now is the time for you and your husband to have that. If my kids ran to my husband's mother on Christmas morning instead of me I would be FLIPPING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Even if my MIL sent them straight to my husband and I afterward).

I think Christmas morning is about immediate family only and then after gifts are opened everyone else.

Something else to consider, your husband doesn't have the option of having his parents come on Christmas morning. Maybe it's painful to him to not have them there and then having your mom there just puts salt on the wound. I lost my mom when I was 9. I'm VERY sensitive to things my MIL does and ways she tries to act like the mom to my kids etc.. It's hurtful to see her do those things partly because I feel like she's stealing my experiences and partly because my mom will never get to do those things with my kids and that breaks my heart. I want my kids to love my mom too but they'll never really know her. I think this issue goes deeper than what your husband is telling you. I don't think it's that he has a problem with your mother. Just be sensitive to his feelings and listen, really listen to what he has to say. My guess is that he's just hurting. I know you don't want that so see if you can get to the bottom of this, gently.

This is something he needs to compromise on. My parents used to spend Christmas with us, and now that my mother is dead, my father comes up and my MIL spends the night as well. Yes, there are parts that might be better if it were just us, but I'm not going to tell either of them to go off and spend parts of Christmas alone. Especially since she's not demanding or causing problems, this shouldn't be an issue. Just tell your kids to make sure they come to your room first before anything else on Christmas morning. In the grand scheme of things -that's no big deal! Since this has progressed to her knowing there are issues, he actually needs to be honest with her and just let her know that he wants them to come running into your room, but that she's welcome and he wants her there. Even if the last part isn't true -it won't hurt him to man up and be nice at Christmas. Make sure you let him know that you and your children want her there -this is ALL him that seems to be causing a problem.

I would be on your side . . . if your husband felt the same way (so long as he's not abusive or a jerk most of the time). I don't think either option is "wrong" per se. But I can understand wanting family time first thing Christmas morning too. We have stayed home for many years for that exact reason.

For us, this year, my parents are coming to spend the night Christmas Eve. This is a first, and I am so excited. But my kids are teens so it's a bit different.

I don't think you are wrong, nor do I think he is wrong. I just hope you can come to a peaceful resolution that makes everyone happy. And I hope your mom will be graceful enough to not put you in the position of having to hurt her OR your husband. If I were your mom I would not do that to you.

Good luck and hang in there.

Personally, I don't think you're overreacting. Does your husband have some sort of beef with your mother that you're aware of? If not, I can't really figure why he would be so against her presence that he would prefer upset his wife, kids AND mother-in-law, you know?

ETA--so he's got a jealousy thing going on is what it sounds like. Trust me, there's nothing you can do about your kids being more excited to see someone other than you, it's just how little kids are. They still love you the most.

We live in DE & my parents, sister & her family all live in NJ. We do Christmas morning just us at our house, have breakfast, get dressed, & drive up to NJ to spend the rest of the day/night with the family. We play it by ear as to whether or not we'll spend the night or come back home.

I could see being jealous that they run to her or act diferently when shes there, not really mature but hey we're all human and get jealous...I would in that sittuation. I think your compromise would be good. I'd actually say have her go up to their room and spend a few minutes with them before they get downstairs so the first few minutes aren;'t all about grandma. I can see how he feels, bt Christmas is all about the kids and if it makes their memories better maybe he shoudl rethink his stance. My ex's mom was overbearing, and she always wanted to enjoy all of the special moments with my daughter WITHOUT us. I would've been fine including her, but there is something for the fact that our parents got to enjoy all of those moments with thier kids, and if he;s your husband and is unhappy with it, it should be dealt with since this is your time to enjoy these moments with your kids.

Did you tell her this, or did your husband tell her? Your husband is jealous and is not very nice to your mom. The problem is that he doesn't appreciate her. He probably doesn't see how much she helps because she is helping you instead of him. What moms do for their kids is so many times invisible to the dad. He just thinks it gets done magically somehow. Your mom most likely makes everything look easy to him.

I feel sorry for your mom, and I would be really angry at your husband if I were you. I don't know the answer to what to do with your husband about this, but I personally think that he needs to grow up and remember that the kids come first - not him. Having their grandmother there means a lot to them.

Meanwhile, don't tell her when he says something ugly, and don't let him tell her. He should keep his mouth shut when he gets like this because she doesn't deserve it.

Dawn

I think it's really sad when someone has the "just us" mentality and can't be open to other people being there for special occasions. As much as I can remember, I never went running to my parents Christmas morning. I went running to the presents! So does my daughter. My parents will be there Christmas morning as will her other grandmother and uncle (I'm divorced but her dad and his family will be there) and I feel so lucky that she has so many people who love her so much! Even if she were to run to her grandparents first, I wouldn't be the least bit offended.
No, you are not overracting and no, he is not justified. I don't know if talking to him will help, but definitely try to reason with him. I think someone else suggested this as well, but talk to the kids and ask them to run to him first. I liked the idea of having your mother sleep downstairs so that she's not the first person they see. I think that's a good compromise on your part. Try to reassure your mom it's not that he doesn't want her there, but that he has this idea of the kids running to him on Christmas morning, and it's really just about logistics! Hope it all works out and have a Merry Christmas!

I'm sorry, but I think your husband is being childish and my heart goes out to your mother. I can certainly understand why she is hurt and if I were her, I would probably think he doesn't want me there either. And you're right, there is now going to be tension on xmas morning because every time the children want to talk to or show grandma something, she's going to be worried that it will anger your husband. She is, according to your post, a loving and generous mother/MIL/grandmother. She is all alone. Does your husband really want her to wake up xmas morning all by herself. Does your husband understand empathy? Ask him to take a few minutes and put himself in your mom's shoes waking up to an empty house on xmas morning. And remind him of karma. Would he want his SIL/DIL to do that to him? Cats in the Cradle and all that!!!!!

I would tell him "Honey, she'll die soon and then you won't be bothered". Then just turn and walk away. Just so he will remember she is an older lonely lady that just wants to be around her family on a special day. Maybe it will stop him long enough for him to process that there is a bigger picture here and that even though he wants to have that special moment with the kids he could get up earlier than them, wake them up, and go to the present area and start without anyone else being there.

I miss my MIL so much and if she wanted to stay with us for a week of Christmas mornings I would give the boot to anyone who disagreed.

Maybe you and hubby could keep some special presents in the bedroom with you so that when the kids come wake you up you could open some stuff in there before going out to the rest of the activity.

Exactly what is the upside to not including your mom? I could understand if she is just awful and controlling, the upside would be not having an awful and controlling person on Christmas morning. It is just if she is helpful and follows his lead there is no upside to kicking her to the curb.

We do Christmas just our family. There would be no way I would ever want my mom over. Thing is my mom was evil, I spent as little time with her as I could. Pretty much the only reason we put up with her was to spend time with dad. Still if your mom isn't a bother I don't see what your husband is upset about.

We get up early (I'm such a kid) and open all the gifts under the tree. Stockings first (preferably after breakfast, but at least no candy eating til food is consumed). Then we go to my aunt's house to open gifts with the extended family. When I was a kid we'd do Christmas morning at home and then go to our grandma's house.

If the issue is that he wants the kids to go to him/you first, then that can be addressed without banning Grandma from the event. I think you need to talk to him about why he feels this way. If his parents are gone, does he feel more protective of HIS status as a parent/jealous of you and her? Heck, he could sleep on the couch if first is important to him.

I guess you need to get to the bottom and see where each of you is coming from and how you can help each other. You need to find out why he really feels this way and if a compromise can be reached. You also need to talk to her about it again and say that sleeping in the basement is not a punishment, but a way to keep her in the tradition. Maybe she would feel less upset if she knew his reasons.

If everyone is just upset, then invite her over a little later so he gets his Christmas morning (and hope the kids do as he expects or he'll still be upset) and you also get to see your mom.

I really don't understand everyone that is saying he is wrong...etc. He is entitled to his opinion and for past years your mother has been there, why should you always get it your way?

I'd say compromise and have early morning present time just your family and have mom come for breakfast?

I feel the same way as your husband, Christmas morning is for my family to enjoy spending together and we'll go see other family later in the day

My MIL will be alone for the first time this Christmas so she is staying overnight with us. I'm THRILLED! First off, it means her getting to share more moments with the grandkids, but it also means we don't have to run from house to house!! Usually we go there on Christmas eve, miss church, then have to rush to get the kids home and in bed at a decent hour. If we saw her on Christmas day, we'd have to rush to get dressed, etc., leave toys behind, whatever. I love the idea of having her spend the night and share the morning with us.

Maybe you could ask HIM to come up with a compromise? Obviously it bothers him and you want him to know you care about his feelings, but in my world, it sounds like he is complicating things. Maybe if HE has to come up with a solution, he'd see that? Good luck!!! Merry Christmas!

I'm sorry, but I am going to agree with your husband. I think that Christmas morning is the ONE thing that should be between parents and their children. My kids adore my mom & dad. If they were anywhere near, my kids would be overly involved with them and my husband and I would be sitting there. Can't she come over at 10-11 and let the kids share the stories of what they got with her? Make her and your family breakfast/brunch and allow her to still feel a part of it all?

what exactly is your husband's problem with your mom?
Did either one of you already tell her she couldn't be there Christmas morning? If so - why?

In my opinion? You are NOT overreacting. Christmas is about FAMILY.

Tell your husband to get his beef with your mom out - find out what his major malfunction is and then tell him to get over it. It is CHRISTMAS and FAMILY is VERY important....

ETA: sorry - you asked how we handled Christmas? I try and get up before the kids so that I can start cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate...make sure the camera is ready....I have a few minutes to myself before the mayhem starts!!

My parents are in CA. We are in D.C. Both of my siblings are in CA. His family? One sister in Atlanta. One in MA. Mom dead. Dad in MA. We have had family at our home on Christmas...never had a problem with it.

your husband is wrong-it is never appropriate to hurt someones feelings-especially your mother-in-law-at Christmas.

I come from a large family (9 kids) and only had one child, due to circumstances. I finally had my 2nd - my point is this - I understand both sides, however because your mom is alone I do not see the harm in her spending Christmas with you - I personally think it is Great of You. These will be precious memories for you, your children, and your husband. Perhaps, as an "immediate" family tradition - you, your husband and kids can go to the movies on Christmas night, or Christmas Eve dinner etc. I understand your husband because he doesn't have a "family", but why would he want to cheat you and his children out of memories with yours. all the best and Merry Christmas

Did you tell your mother that your husband just wants it to be just you and your kids? I don't think I could tell my mother that one. Especially if it were to hurt her feelings. However, I can also understand that your husband wants to spend it with just his family. The holidays are never an easy thing to manage, and you certainly can't please everyone during them, either.

My husband is less then thrilled about spending christmas with my folks in TN this year. However, for us, it isn't about how we feel , it's what my son wants to do. He has never had a christmas morning with my folks, it is always spent with my inlaws( except last year when we did it by ourselves christmas morning)..My mother is one of those type A personalities, where everything is scheduled way in advance, even the menu..My husband hates having to be on a schedule, however, he deals with it. Not to mention the fact that my family is Methodist, and his Catholic..He dislikes going to their church( they go to ones that are very modern-they have a band, and a screen with the lyrics,etc..dancing) but will go to make me happy. So Christmas Eve service, I am sure will be more then he can handle..:)

So, next year, I told him we can spend the holidays however he would want to do it. That every year we have gone to his family, and this year, I wanted to go to mine. He compromised.

Now, if your mother always comes to stay the night every year, and this year he wanted to just have you and the kids , you should have respected his wishes before planning to have your mother there. I am sure he isn't trying to hurt her feelings on purpose. Maybe it's a comfortability thing? I know that if it were me, and just my MIL would stay over every year, I would want a year where it would just be the kids and my husband. Put yourself in each others shoes.

Hello, As a Grandma, I think it is very nice of you to want your mother there. I would love to be invited to spend the night at one of my kids' homes for Christmas. However, I have a son and his family living with me, so I do get to see one of them open his gifts. However, I don't see any problem with asking her to sleep downstairs. The kids could come and wake you and your husband and then go wake Grandma. I think she will get over it.
Good luck with your precious family and Merry Christmas.
K. K.

I know this is late.... but I agree with your hubby.
I want Christmas morning to be about MY kids and hubby. Christmas with the rest of the family is for later in the day.
My husband is like you- wants his family there. I am lucky that my mother in law thinks like me and left Christmas morning before the kids were up, so we could have our time. They came into town a few days before Christmas and we did all the family stuff then.
Next year will be a bit more tricky and I suspect they will be there for Christmas morning and I will not be happy about it.... but that is just me.

I have not read through all the responses and apologize if I'm repeating other advice. It is my opinion that you must make peace among your immediate family. In other words, it's between you, your husband and your kids. You need to decide as a family how you want to spend Christmas. If your husband is not comfortable with your mom spending the night, then you need to respect that and determine a peaceful resolution. Your immediate family is your number one priority and mom should not get in the way. With that said, however, I see no harm in your mom spending the night. I think that your husband may have a sense of jealousy and is trying to eliminate the cause of that jealousy. What you need to realize is that your children are going to think of you and your husband the same way whether or not your mom is there. But, with your mom there the kids are building some very special memories with their grandmother that they will cherish for a lifetime. It's those relationships and memories that will make them better, more compassionate people when they are older. What your kids will remember is not the gifts they received, but the relationships they had. I may encourage your husband to foster the relationship your kids have with the grandmother and for him to find ways/traditions he can share with his kids outside of Christmas. Christmas is just one day during the year. Why does so much weight need to be placed on this one day? Appreciate that grandma wants to be part of your kids lives because so many grandparents are not. Good luck & Merry Christmas!

This is definitely a tough one and sounds like you want your mom to be there too. I can appreciate where you are coming from but your husband should have a say whether he has parents or not. He wants it to be this way for whatever reason and I am certain that there are things you want a certain way that he may see as thoughtless to his feelings. Compromise with love. Not to mention, your mother, yes hurt, would be far less of a burden as you mention, if she was to have said, "Oh my goodness, of course honey. I'm fine...but would you mind calling me when it's alright to come by..I'd love to see you guys" Even if its not how she feels, as mom's we should never stop trying to make our kids happy and sacrificing for them. I am not saying this to me mean..I assure you. I just know how important it is to be a "united front" as a couple with not only your children but in life as well. It is our primary relationship and everyone should respect that..

Merry Christmas enjoy your family