How Do You Prepare Your Child for Bullies?

I don't teach my kids to "stick up for themselves".

I teach them to roll their eyes and walk away from assholes and their drama.

:)

Thanks, this is all great advice. He is a confident kid, is very level headed and lets things roll off of him easily. I guess I just want to protect him :) I know I can't protect him from everything in this crazy world and he'll learn as he goes along to handle things on his own. It's just scary.
I have to trust that I have given him the proper tools and been a role model to him to stand up for things when I know they are wrong. *deep breath*

I never endured true bullying, or anything close to it, but I was a teenage girl once. 'Nuff said, right? Girls are mean! So what I remember my dad always saying to us when we witnessed or talked about someone being mean to others was, "wow don't you feel sorry for him/her? Can you even imagine what it would be like to be that mean of a person and have to be with yourself 24/7 for the rest of you life?"

He'd say it in an almost-but-not-quite-joking tone, but the message to us really was to point out that people who choose to be mean and hateful to others are the pathetic ones, and that we should be thankful to be good, nice people who know how to treat others and know how we deserve to be treated.

I think this was a powerful message to get. Of course I had fights with my friends that seemed like the end of the world and all that drama, but this message stuck with me throughout and I think framing things that way did help me deal. It gave me confidence not to feel like a victim, but rather to look at it differently and realize, jeez, that person doesn't deserve my reaction or my emotion, I'm glad I'm not that kind of person.

Obviously, true bullying is not something you can blow off with an almost-joke. I agree that you have to let him know that he can come to you with anything, that you will always have his back, and that together there is nothing you can't solve. But I think sprinkling in a bit of my dad's wisdom wouldn't hurt.

Why exactly are you worried about your son? As long as he's been taught how to stand up for himself, and how to ask for help and and report trouble he should be fine.
Does he not have many friends, has he been picked on a lot already?
My son was (is) on the small side and he was never a target for bullies. But he was funny and smart and well liked in other ways.
Just keep encouraging your son to be confident in himself, and a nice guy, that still goes a long way.
Don't waste time worrying about something that may never even be an issue.

My son is very sensitive...he will be prime bully material when he hits junior high. He is, how he is, BUT I am preparing him not by talking about bullying, but by helping him now learn to take control of his emotions (learning not to let his emotions control him). AND I put him in martial art at three years old, he was a few weeks from four...so from the age of four until now eight he has been learning self control/discipline and how to defend himself. He has three more years before junior high...three more years of learning not to let others get under your skin, or if they do, not to let them see it.

I am not sure a few weeks is enough time if you have a child who emotionally is a prime bully target (read: comes off as a victim) to prepare them to deal with bullies.

My daughter would get in the bullies face and tell them off...she is not going to have a problem.

Hopefully neither will my son.

Oh, and last year in elementary one boy started hitting my son...it was before school in the gym...my son told him to stop, the other boy wouldn't and started hitting harder...my son told him again firmly to stop or he would make him stop...the other boy didn't listen. My son grabbed his wrist and put him in a joint lock face down on the floor until a teacher arrived. It didn't hurt the other boy except his pride (and yes, my son got disciplined with the same punishment as the one hitting *sigh*, because my son actually put his hands on him in a defensive manner). However, he hasn't had any more problems with this boy or any other.

Put him in martial arts (a good school not just a belt factory...search on here that has been discussed...how to find a good martial arts school) and that will help him not be a target.

My guess is that he has already seen bullying in action. My daughter is the same age and I know there have been instances of it in her school since first grade (not against her, thank goodness). And I don't know about your schools, but the ones here in NJ really ratcheted up discussion about bullying the past couple of years. So I wouldn't worry about scaring him too much. Just talk to him in a matter-of-fact tone, and maybe ask him what he would do if he saw something going on. I think if you approach it as a "What would you do if you saw this happening?" situation rather than a "What would you do if this happened to you?" it might not make him worry as much. And just make sure he knows that he can always come to you if something is bothering him.

Mom:

You are already anticipating something happening? You are going to make your son a target. Do him a favor. Don't scare him. Don't tell him what MIGHT happen.

How would I prepare my son for bullies? I would ensure that my child knows self-confidence, knows that he is good. I wouldn't SAY ANYTHING to him directly about bullies. It's been my job for the last 13 years to build him up - prepare him for life. I am sure over the last 11 years your son has encountered mean people. It happens. It's life. So if you have been doing your job as a parent? He should be fine! :)

No, this does NOT mean that parents of children who have been bullied didn't do their job. Sh*t happens. You deal with it. You help make your child a better, stronger person.

Get your son in Martial Arts - it teaches impulse control, confidence, ability, and so much more.

i was crafting a lengthy answer when i read the Turnip's, and realized i couldn't add to or improve upon anything she said.
khairete
S.

Hmmm...great question.
We've been lucky.
My son starts middle school this fall.
At orientation, they advised us to get familiar with WHAT bullying is.
Some stuff is considered normal & developmental.
Bullying is repeated, over a length of time.
Don't confuse a nasty comment or a shove, or even a punch with bullying.
Make dire he knows how to say "stop it. I don't like that." So his words have power, should he need to.
I don't think you're "setting him up as a target," you already know this school has a reputation for NOT addressing bullying.
My son knows to ignore words, etc., but he also knows if anyone touches him, he has every right to physically fight back.
"Reporting" or "tattling" will only escalate things.
Should be reserved only for true bullying.
Even at 9 and 10, I see how my son & his buds loathe a snitch. They'd rather stay clammed up than tell on a friend--heck even a casual acquaintance. BUT he's also been taught to defend and help anyone he sees being picked on and has executed that several times.
Teach your son to speak up for what is right and fair and he'll be fine! :)

We have two wonderful sons. They have been taught to stand up for themselves if they are being picked on and/or bullied. If they are being physically hurt by someone we tell them to stand up for themselves. We also tell them that we cannot control the punishment they may receive at school and they'll have to just accept what is handed down, but that they will not be in trouble at home IF they were not the person that started the fight. Kids are mean, we have to send our kids to school with some preparation for what might happen and what they can expect from us at home.

M

This is a very complex problem. My nephew started middle school last year, and was bullied terribly by multiple people. After taking it for a long time, my SIL and BIL told him to fight back. Of course the first time he did, HE got a detention. Although his bullies had never gotten a detention for picking on him because there were "no witnesses" any of the times. The bullies friends lied for them, and few of his teachers liked him because he has severe ADHD and is often disruptive at school. At the end of this month, it's likely to start up again as he starts 7th grade. I just feel sick for him. The school is getting a new principal who is supposedly tougher on bullying, so time will tell.

One of the things my SIL considered was getting her son in martial arts again so that he could defend himself say outside of school, while walking home etc...

Best of luck!

Be honest and open. Let him know he can come to you with anything.

The truth is, as people we aren't going to like everyone all the time. Some people are just going to be mean and unkind, they just haven't the refined skilled needed to simply ignore and press on with life when another person just "rubs them the wrong way". You know the type of people, they're just mean to everyone, grumpy for no real reason, but not really singling out anyone. Someone who continually seeks another out and treats them badly, is a bully.

Good luck!

I'm a 14 year old and my school is filled with bullies
The best thing is not to tell them to walk away or to tell a teacher. That almost always makes it worse and the administrators don't do anything.
The best thing to do is what my mom did. On the night before school started she told me that if I got into any fights I would NOT be in trouble with her as long as it was in self defense. She said that if anyone put their hands on me that I should defend myself.
It won't scare him when he knows that you care enough to tell him that it's ok to stand up for yourself.
He WILL get into trouble at school though. They have a no tolerance policy to where if you throw a punch you get suspended. I was told by the dean that I should have taken the beating.
Let him know its ok

Hi. I am attaching a good article on the subject which I enjoyed.

http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-k...

Best.

You might want to watch this movie and see how administrators handle bullying.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1g9RV9OKhg

If I knew the middle school my son or daughter was going into had a huge bullying problem (or my child went through a horrible year) I'd yank them out and homeschool.

Unschooling
Thomas Jefferson Education (TJED)
Classical Schooling
Christian Homeschoolers
Secular homeschoolers
and on and on

If you are on Facebook, check out the page of The Libertarian Homeschooler. I love her posts. (Thomas Jefferson is the picture.)

There are so many groups, support, co-op classes that your child can totally THRIVE by homeschooling.

I wish I could homeschool. DH is very against it. My son has not been bullied. There is no rampant bullying problem at his school. The kids who do get picked on are the special needs kids, which is heartbreaking. He's going into 8th, but the things he describes is not wholesome or edifying. The school has over 1,000 and there are frankly, not enough adults to keep an eye on everyone.

Another option is to see if your school district has a home-school/public school hybrid program, where your son can take a few classes at school, and do the rest at home. I have a friend who homeschooled her son from K-5 and did that program at middle school. They love it. It minimizes interaction with the larger, problematic student body. I have friends whose kids have ADHD and that works for them.

There are books you can read on this topic. They might have some insights for you.

THE BULLY, THE BULLIED, and the BYSTANDER by Barbara Coloroso
http://www.kidsareworthit.com/

If you go to Amazon, you can read reviews and see other book recommendations.

Hi, Mom:

The first thing you child needs to learn is to tell a child who he feels is bullying him is to tell him/her:

Stop doing that.
Stop saying that.

It is hurting me.
It is making me look
bad in front of my friends.

If the bullying child does not stop.

The next step is to go to his
school counselor.

Find out who his school counselor is and introduce them.
You tell the school counselor what you have instructed your
son if he is bullied at school to come to you.

If the school is in that bad of shape, you might think of
referring the school to the "Whole School Change" program
the International Institute for Restorative Practices provides to
school districts:

Website: www.iirp.edu

Good Luck.
D.

You have to teach him how to handle bullies.
What I hear over & over from counselors & in the news is to tell your child
if someone is bullying him (kids can tell the difference from bullying &
just teasing a kid) to yell out
-"Leave me alone." (most effective)
-"Stop bullying me."

These are effective because it calls attention to the bully & the situation,
shows the bully you're not putting up with it etc.

Arm him with this information to stand up for himself because most administrations do nothing. Even today.

My dad taught us how to stand up to people w/o violence & thank heavens he did. It has served me well in many a situation growing up.