How Do You Put on a Good Face for Your Kids?

I too am a commissioned employee but my daughter is older (17) and we discuss finances. She knows about payplans, decreasing opportunities for commissions and the fact that I am paid 90 days after the close of the quarter. We discusses expenses, taxes and increased healthcare costs. I am lucky that she "gets it". I am not complaining to her, just explaining the economy and the situation we are in. I hope you can de-stress....maybe hubby can help out with some of the household responsibilities to give you a break.

I do unilateral rules. If I yell when I'm not allowed to (danger or far away), then I go on timeout and apologize. If I'm losing my temper I do the same things I make my son do (take a deep breath, count to 5, and go on timeout). Etc., so forth, and so on.

I can't keep things from my son 100%, so when *I'M* misbehaving, he gets to see "how to deal with it" in action.

Actually, his behavior gets quite excellent when I'm struggling... because as he sees me doing the things I tell him to do, he does them more often/self monitors more himself.

((And if my husband is being a major jerk / not following rules... HE gets sent on a "big timeout"... as in has to leave the house until he can come back a decent human being))

For me.... I have never made myself out to be 'perfect' in front of my kids. Not that I erupt in front of them or take things out on them... BUT... when I am having a lot of stress or PMS'ing or just not 'perfect' I just tell my kids "Mommy isn't perfect, I am trying my best.... I have a lot of stress right now but am solving it..." etc. So that they learn, that we grown-ups are human, we are not perfect, but that we "try out best" and try to "solve" things.... proactively. I want my kids to learn, that no matter what problem or issue or stresses there are... that it CAN be solved. Not just us being a victim to it or their environment. And that, I am not 'mad' at them. But just preoccupied or whatever it may be. It is not "them."

Also, of course, taking a break from things, always helps. Some respite for you. Do you have grandparents or close friends who can help you and babysit your kids? So you can take off and just be by yourself??? Since your Husband is so busy... and stressed and probably is not prone to 'babysitting' the kids....

You ALSO need to tell your Husband... that it is taking a toll on you... his 'expecting' you to be EVERYTHING at one time. It just is not humane. Stress.... will not help you. Tell him... he should be proactive in his own stress management TOO. Even if that means... seeking a Counselor for himself. Spouses, are not trained "Therapists." And we simply CANNOT be that "role".... nor all the time, nor exclusively. Because we also have work/kids/family/a household too. Sure, be a loving Spouse... but if your Husband is expecting a burdensome MOUNTAIN of things from you and you cannot cope... you MUST tell him.

all the best,
Susan

You should curl up in your bed and cry. It does wonders to relieve your tension. You might not feel that "turn it over to God" responses will help, but a prayer for strength is worth it. In the mean time, prioritize and don't overwork yourself. Play more with your kids and let some of the other stuff slide, it's a form of exercise...you are just not superwoman. Plan ahead meals so that the stress of having to find what to cook doesn't burden you either. Sometimes if you take you and the kids from the "depression" of your husband's presence and his moping, it will give you perspective and help you face another day. I pray and hope you have better days.

I'm a single mom who struggles with stressors on a daily basis. My main goal in life is to raise happy, healthy children, so that is my primary focus.

As for all you worry about, at some point you have to come to an understanding that there are just things beyond your control. Those things, you have to stop worrying about. It is hard to do & has taken me a long time, but it is possible.

The kids... play with them, get silly with them, watch one of their silly shows, bake some cookies, read some books, snuggle. Give them hugs & praise & kisses. Take deep breaths & go to another room for a few minutes if you feel yourself getting irritated. Also, it is OK to cry in front of them... I have on occasion. They get a little anxious, but I just explain Mama had a bad day & I'm sad, but I will be just fine after I cry for a few minutes. We hug & I kiss them & let them know how much I love them.

As for the house, this also took me a long time to truly realize... all the housework will still be there later. Do what needs to get done & as for dusting & that next load of laundry, just let it go & know you'll get to it just as soon as you can.

As for your husband, tell him just that, I am your wife, not your therapist or your mother. If you need them, call them.

Lastly, I completely ditto another response about fresh air... it does wonders for clarity!!

Feel better & know you're not alone!!

I'd pray about it if I were you, that's what you really need to do. Times are tough in our entire country right now, gotta get on our knees and give it to the man above to handle for us.... it works wonders.

."

Hi J.
As a result of world wide recession alot of families are going through this.
2009 we stressed alot on finances.At the end of 2009 we made a promise that we would NOT fight about work /finance/materialism.
2010 we still have the same worries but a LOT less stress over it.
Stressing is not going to change anything,it will only make things worse.
Try to talk to your husband when he is having a good day.Try to talk in a rational way and not attack. Explain that you understand what he is going through but his mood swings are really taking their toll on you.Ask him to make an effort to tone them down a bit and hopefully he will get the message. Tell him you are struggling too and you could do with some support.
As for the children thats a whole different story. It's not their job to take on the stress of their parents.
Try your best to have patience with them. I know it is easier said than done.
Wishing you all the best and try to remember that money is not worth this stress.
B. k.

You have to take mini you breaks...even if it is staying up a few minutes later in the evening or waking up a bit earlier to have some quiet moment to yourself. I have to have a hot bath...sometimes that literally means waiting until 11 at night to be sure all 3 kids are down for the night. I know it is in our nature to worry, but try not to dwell on what you cannot change, do your best and do not carry guilt around if you did not do good today ( lost temper etc) just tell yourself, its ok I am human I will do better tomorrow.

I am not sure how old your kids are...engage them in daily activities...even the very youngest can help out a little. Make the mundane things fun, sing a song while setting the table...change up your routine.

Sit down and make a budget you can live with even if it means cinching the belt for a while. We buy groceries from Aldi's but also meal plan around sale flyers.

There are going to be bad days, but you can't fix it all...you do what you can and you hold your head high, knowing you are doing the best you can...some days it will be harder than others, force a smile and be determined in your mind set to make it a better day...before you know it you will not have to force the smile, it will come more naturally.

Look into a church that maybe offers child care...try and find a MOPS group or a play group...get out, make some friends...commiserating with another mom helps a lot. A church might have a food pantry...look into seeing if you are eligible for ANY assistance.

Your husband sounds like he is stressed right now, think of this time as the in sickness part, because stress leads to depression...this does not mean you should bare all alone...be honest with him about your feelings too, but don't do it in an accusatory way. Ask yourself what do you need? If an hour away will make you feel more at peace ask him to watch the kids for an hour...go to a library, go for a walk...take care of you...I hope you can find some peace...it is a stressful time of the year for so many. They just cut a production day at the company my husband works for...gee, just in time for the holidays...but I know we will get through...so will you. Hang in there!

See if a neighbor or friend can watch the kids one night and just let you and hubby go out and spend time together on your own. Just go to the local fast food joint or buffet - nothing extravagant or overpriced. Tell your husband your worries and let him tell you his and just listen to eachother.

Read with your children. Not sure how old they are, but you can spend some quality time with them just by sitting in their bed and reading them a book. I get a smile on my face every time I hear my son reading or telling me a story (he's 2.5). Try to put on a happy face for them -- do fun things together like cooking with cookie cutters and sprinkles (fun for all ages I think) or playing with play-doh. Get a funny joke or 'bad cat' page-a-day calendar that will make you all smile and laugh. (the "bad cat" calendars are pretty funny I think).

Give yourself the time and place to cry. I think it helps "get it all out." Do this after the kids have gone to bed or during naptime or your lunchbreak. Hang in there. This can just be a 'bump' in your lives if you and your family decide to hang in there and stay positive and optimistic.

I'm so sorry you guys are going through this. That is so much WEIGHT on your shoulders . . . your feelings sound reasonable to me (though it may be counter-productive to share them with your husband).

Is there anywhere in your area where your husband can seek some counseling (perhaps on a sliding scale?) to learn how to more effectively cope with constant feelings of anxiety and inadequacy? Is there somewhere that you guys could go together? Or maybe you could go by yourself to express your own frustration?

Would it make any sense for your husband to quit working and care for the kids, and perhaps work a menial W-2 job at night or on the weekend? Would that help you guys save on child care, or maybe even your sanity (to lessen the house work?).

Have you looked at Dave Ramsey or other financial gurus for help on managing cash flow, debt, etc.?

Just my thoughts . . . this probably isn't much help.

Good luck and my heart goes out to you.

From looking at your profile, I'm guessing your children are 5 and 3; too young to be told about or understand the issues but they do feel the tension. I suggest that counseling could help both you and your husband. It would help if he won't go and you do. It helps to have someone to talk with about the reasons for our stress. I've had counselor give me suggestions of things I could do which also helped.

I suggest that you stop trying to always be there for your husband. When you're already feeling overwhelmed ask him to not do the venting, complaining that he needs to do. I would tell my husband to go outside and yell at the trees. lol Then we'd make an "appointment" to discuss his concerns, etc. Setting aside specific times to talk will give you some respite from always being on guard.

I'd also ask my husband to help more with household chores and spending happy time with the children. He'll feel better for doing it. Let him know how stressed you are and how you NEED his help.

I'd also set aside a specific amount of time to spend with your children without interruptions. Perhaps spend 20 minutes to an hour at bedtime focusing on them. Push away any serious thoughts during this time.

Spending time together with your husband, on a date, might also help the two of you become closer so that you both feel more support.

Last but not least, find a way to get physical exercise. Put your kids in a stroller and go for walks as a family. Just thirty minutes several times a week will help build endorphins and be a way to spend happy time with each other.

If the weather is bad, find a community center that has family nights or open gym and get physically active. We have a neighborhood center with reasonable dues that provides child care while parents work out. Physical activity does relieve some of the stress.

The idea is to focus outside of the stressful conditions part of the time. Focus on the kids at bedtime. Focus on each other on date night. Focus on exercise and your surroundings during a walk or while at the "gym."

Therapy! If you have health insurance and it has a mental health benefit...use it! Your situation sounds similar to mine in some ways. My husband is also self-employed, but he also has cyclothemia (mild bi-polar depression), which sometimes renders him almost non-functional other than being able to get up and work and pick up the kids at the end of the day. I work FT as well and am the primary caregiver. When things are bad for him, they are bad for me as well but it's on us to slap on our happy faces and make life as normal as possible for our kids.

I don't like to air too much dirty laundry to family and friends, so when I was really stressed out, I started seeing a counselor. I am not mentally ill, I just needed someone to vent to. Just knowing that I had an hour to myself every two weeks to just unleash all of my stress on someone sympathetic and supportive was a great coping tool for me. I no longer felt like had all of my frustrations and anxieties building up driving me crazy, which made me be able to relax more around the kids and not let me take my stress out on them.

Once I felt that I didn't need my therapist anymore, I had increased my network of local friends and activities so that I was getting out once a week or so (garden club, working mom group, PTO, dinner or wine or coffee with girlfriends etc.) so again, having something to do that is fun and just for me works wonders on my mental health and helps me to cope with stress and be a calmer mommy. If your schedule or budget don't permit outings, then doing some exercise before the kids wake up or after they go to bed (Pilates or Yoga DVD at home) or getting some good books from the library and carving out 20 minutes of time before bed to read and have some tea might also help to relieve stress. Keep in mind that this, too, shall pass. Hang in there - it gets better eventually!

I know your kids are still small (same age as mine, i saw on your profile), but i would make it transparent to them, in a simple way. Say you and Papa are really exhausted right now, and that you are trying to rest and get better. Don't put on a good face for the kids. It won't work. Put on the best honest, authentic face you can. It is ok for them to see you in a bad place, as long as they know things will change, and get better, each day a little.

So god's not for you. Not for me either. But it still helps me to know my limits. I mean, life is bigger than i am. I think the important thing is that even if you believe that there is no god, or you may somehow be angry at the absent one (absurd, but very human), you still know that you are surely not god yourself. Life is bigger, and as long as you and your loved ones are alive there is a lot to be grateful for. You may have serious problems right now. But maybe it would simply help to get this perspective together with your husband. Take a deep breath. Acknowledge what is hard. Acknowledge what is great. Noone can be god. Not even you for your kids and your husbands sake. It's ok to be human. It's great to be brave enough to make your vulnerability transparent to your parntner, and hold his vulnerability also, without feeling responsible for his happiness. Don't put on a face for people this close to you, or you'll lose the gift of companionship in a time you really need it (from your husband, not your kids, of course).

Good luck!
D.

My mom always told me like it was, it was easier to understand her when I knew what was going on and could actually help.

I've "lost it" in front of my kids. They see my emotions and I see theirs. It's just part of life. Sometimes I handle my "big feelings" better than other times. When I don't handle them as well as *I* would like, or when I fear my emotions have made a big impact, I talk it over with them: "It's okay to feel angry, it's not okay to raise my voice when I am angry. I am sorry for raising my voice," or, "X and I felt angry with each other. We still love each other and will continue to love each other", or "I felt sad and I cried. We all feel sad sometimes, its okay to feel sad and cry. I'll be alright, but right now my heart hurts."

I don't think there is anything wrong with being human and a parent. In fact, I think it's important for children to understand that all people have feelings and are "flawed". We still show up for our kids, put food on our table, love fearlessly and unconditionally. They can see us as human, because we are. (Also, while I don't expect my children to support me (especially because of their age) I do want to teach them empathy and compassion. Being real about where I am, what I am capable of and how I move through, is part of that.)

Good luck getting through. These are tough times, but you will make it and your feelings are not forever, nor are your circumstances. Change is the only true constant.

edit to add: While I don't try to put on a face very often, I do try and need to cope in healthy ways. Here's my way:

My Partner works long, outdoor, physical nights and sleeps days - so often he is only available for family time a few moments before he leaves again. I am not able to get help, support or a break on those days. So, when I feel like I am going to boil over or am headed for a big emotional burst (it has been a very hard year), and I really, really need some space I will either take deep breathes and remind myself of the impermanence of the situation and just get through till bed time (grin and bare it, pull up the ol' boot straps mode). My mantra is: I will be okay, I am strong, It's not forever. Then, once the kids are asleep I can take a nice long hot shower and let off some steam.

Or, during the day I'll put on a movie for a couple minutes and take some space while the kids are distracted. Talking it out with a girlfriend during this time, helps me.

The problem with grinning and baring it for *me* is that it can end up taking over. I forget or suffocate the need to properly deal with or process and suddenly feel like a crazy person because I haven't been able to gradually let out my emotions or figure out what's going on. Auto pilot is great for short spurts but not for all the time-everyday life.

Calls to girlfriends and my Mom are of the utmost importance for me. And/or, if I take a few minutes to write or draw, I feel better as well.

When I feel like I have too much of everything going on, I put cleaning, laundry, dishes and fancy meals on the back burner. I do my best and get through and then, when I've had a chance to breathe, I clean up and play hard with the kids.

How old are your kids?

Do YOU have anyone to talk to? These are things you need to talk about and I'm sure you can't say everything to your hubby without making him feel badly. But you gotta get it out. And even cry a bit about it. A therapist would be good for that.

As for the shortness with the kids, I find myself like that when my anxiety levels are high. Try this, set an alarm on your phone or something right before you get home from work for the day. When you turn the alarm off, you will remember what it is for and make a decision to be VERY PATIENT for the next two hours (or something). Put on your happy face. Then reset you alarm for two hours from now. It's like a constant attitude check.

Hang in there. My hubby was going through a really bad time for awhile at work and it affected us all. Slowly it got better and before I knew it he was back to normal.

Good luck.