How Do You Regain Control When Your Kid Has Gone Buck Wild?

You've clearly reached the tipping point.

When you notice he's getting too wound up, and too hyper focused on a certain kind of play, you bring it to a halt inside, and redirect the energy to some outside play.

I always taught inside versus outside behaviors, whether in voice, or play, what is acceptable, what is rude.

While some of this is typical behavior, the concerning part to me is that you say this happens with some regularity and the circumstances are predictable. Why not make boundaries and stick to them? Certain behaviors warrant rewards while others require consequences. He NEEDS rules and to be made to follow them.

If I saw a 4 year old acting like that I'd probably not want to be around that child often. Actually, my niece was like that and it was hard to spend time with her, regardless of my love for her.

He needs more friend time, more outside play time, and some actual rules. Then these things will happen far less frequently until they stop all together.

Have you considered not being so freaking amazed by your own child that you actually discipline him?

You post things like, well little Damion murdered this guy walking down the hall and tossed the body off the balcony. Then he turned to me and said cha cha cha and did this cute little shuffle. Has your child ever done anything that make you laugh?

A lot of people are left not answering because we can't get over your son just murdered someone and you want to ignore that and talk about the cute ending.

Even here you are trying to make it sound cute, "When he parties like a rock star, instruments get broken, there are holes in the wall, and the sofa goes over the balcony, or the 4 year old version of same" when your child is too old to be this out of control.

I am waiting for kindergarten when you post that your son jumped up on the teacher's desk and did the butt dance asking how do you keep his creativity while not being sent to the principal's office all the time.

Everyone thinks their kids are amazing, most of us realize only we actually believe that.

Uh---he doesn't need to run all of your lives!
Give him time/quantity warnings: "we're leaving in 20 (then 10, then 5)minutes"
or
"I'm hiding two more times then we're leaving"
Once he's been warned? Consequence for non-compliance.
To continue to indulge his every whim is to teach him the HE makes the rules. Which is a bad idea.

he sounds fun and imaginative.
he also sounds undisciplined and annoying.
to REIN him in, i'd apply the usual bromides- firmness and consistency. there's no way i'd indulge in overly-physical play or 'you have to engage in my pretend play' past the point that it was fun for me or the grandparents.
4 year olds are boingy and excitable and it's great to be understanding of that. but your NO should already be firmly established, and oversized meltdowns absolutely not tolerated.
there are times to loosen the reins, and times to shorten them up. it sounds as if this little fellow has been running with far too loose reins for far too long.
khairete
S.

Hey B.. Your description is cute. It really is. You write so well! And his imagination is adorable!

Now, back to reality. I'm sure that the oversized meltdowns and lack of control are a real handful for you. And he is probably a bit overwhelmed by his own inability to control himself.

I wonder if you might consider talking to your ped about this. Some children who have sensory integration problems do this kind of thing. I'll give you an example. My own son would run into walls and people. And it never seemed to hurt. He was seeing a speech therapist and she saw some of that behavior as well (she was seeing him twice a week and got to know him pretty well.) She recommended having an OT evaluate him. I didn't do a good job of explaining his issues to her and the eval didn't quite include enough. When she told my speech therapist that she didn't see anything, the speech therapist asked her to work with him a few times - to trust her when she said that something was "off". In the first session, she was shocked at what my son could not do and the problems he was having. She apologized profusely to me for not catching it in the eval (I have a feeling that she changed some things about her evaluations of children). The work she did with him was invaluable and it made a huge difference for my son and us at home.

If you are wondering what the upshot of this was, here's an example. If you poked your arm hard, it would most likely hurt you. If you poked HIS arm, he would not feel it very much. So, he was "sensory seeking", trying to feel. That's why he was running into people and things. What the OT did for him, giving him a "sensory diet", helped to train his nervous system to work better. It included things to do at home and brushing his skin, joint compressions, etc. An OT with experience with Sensory Integration Disorder is who deals with this.

My son's symptoms, in the grand scheme of things, were subtle (at least when the eval was done.) But they caused so much trouble at home that getting help was a godsend. I recommend that you consider having an OT with experience working with sensory issues work with your son. The sooner you do it, the better. An "immature" nervous system is helped the MOST and the BEST when you do it very early.

I hope you are not serious about holes in the wall?!
Kids need plenty of time for free play and expression.
They also need firm boundaries and clear expectations.
It's hard for me to advise you without observing, but it seems like the expression may be out of balance in respect to boundaries, so I'd work on that.
Also, I realize that some adults enjoy being playmates, and that's fine, but really this kind of play is more appropriate with kids his own age.
If mommy (or grandpa) is seen more often than not as a peer in his eyes it's going to be a whole lot harder for him to see you as any kind of authority figure.

Good advice from the others. Just wanted to add: when he gets over-excited, or out-of-control exuberant, be sure to get down to his eye level, and speak very, very softly (a near whisper). Tell him whatever you need to (the grownups are talking, mommy isn't going to play this game anymore, get your coat on, whatever) in a soft quiet voice while maintaining a non-wavering eye-to-eye gaze. Be firm, and keep your instructions very brief. Don't get into a long sentence. Just say "coat. on. now". And keep saying it, in that quiet voice.

Sounds like a fairly typical four-year-old.

When his play gets too boisterous, calmly tell him that helicopters are for outdoors and to find something quieter to play indoors.

When you get tired of the game, just tell him, "Mommy doesn't want to hide in the washing machine anymore. You need to find a game to play quietly by yourself while she talks to Grandma and Grandpa."

A few minutes before time to leave, tell him to start picking up his toys and putting on his shoes because it's almost time to leave. If he won't go peacefully, pick him up and carry him out.

Ditto Fuzzy on limiting him having his way all the time if he's being a pain.

If kiddo is hungry, tired, or hyperactive, the best thing you can do is try to solve that problem first.

Hungry? Okay, here's an apple.

Tired? Into bed or the carseat you go.

Hyper? Great. I'm going to stand right here with this stopwatch (or your phone) and you run to the end of the street and back as fast as you can. Let's see if you can do it in 30 seconds! GO! Oh man, that was fast! Do it again FASTER! (Do it 3-5 times and give him a big hug and praise when he's all worn out and ready to sit down or load up into the car).

Be sure to enlist Grandma and Grandpa's help. "Get to the car so Grandad can give you a big hug! Buckle your seatbelt and let Grandma check it!"

Finally, once you've addressed the main issues as much as you are able at the time (sometimes there's nothing you can do...no food, no place to sleep), just live with the upset. "Son, I know you're hungry. We'll get home and get you a snack, okay? Right now we're 20 minutes away from home. Just be patient, okay?" And let it be. Turn on the music, sing along, and ignore the frustrated wails.

Overall, yes, it can be a challenge...but it will pass.

When my son was 4 he would never want to leave somewhere when he was having a good time. A fun evening with friends always turned into a melt down on the car ride home or once we got home. We knew it was coming. Instead of getting tired he would just get more and more ramped up. He's 11 now but I see that he still has a hard time with transitions sometimes. He is now more mature and we don't often have melt downs, thank goodness. But when he does get really upset it always is due to some kind of transition. I tried many things but nothing really worked until he outgrew this. My only advice is to talk to him about it before you go to Grandpa's house...or before he gets amped up. If he is really naughty (out of control) be sure to calmly give him warning and then a consequence for bad behavior. Whew, I'm so glad my son is not 4 anymore...they are so cute at that age but boy was he a handful. I would give him plenty of advance warnings before it was time to leave. I would then do the "I'm going to count to 3...". If he didn't do what he was supposed to by 3 he got a consequence. So tiring! My daughter was never like this...she was more in control, wanted to please us more, and really responded to a "talking to" or a threat of a consequence. Good luck! I guess if I could do a do-over with my son I would have been more strict with him starting really young. I think age 2 to 4 I was not strict enough and then I finally got the hang of it. I don't know if that would have done anything in reality though.

Whoops! How old is your son? I get it. He's 4. I agree with others that this is. ore of a discipline problem.
My daughter would have meltdowns. What worked for us was to ignore her. If he's getting no attention where's the fun. In this situation I probably would've told him to stop in a firm voice and then sat down letting him know you're not going to be drawn in to this. I would continue a conversation as best as I could with adults. My friends were understanding. Give him a bit of time to stop. If he continues, I would stand up, say I was going, head to the door. My daughter would'n't want to be left. If he didn't follow, I would grab his arm and hold on til he stops. I would not leave until he was at least grudgingly cooperative. If necessary, i'd take him outside and continue to wait him out until he's calmer and able to manage his own scooter. I would not talk to him. My doing this he learns you're not buying in to his antics. You aren't giving him attention.

My granddaughter would have meltdowns and sink to the pavement when I picked her up after K. I would completely ignore her and wait her out. She'd get up and run to the car, after a couple of times in less than a minute.

When the 4 yo granddaughter starts to get wild and when distracting her doesn't work. Her parents would send her to her room to calm down. She would watch a bit of TV and/or play with toys. She'd eventually wander out in a calm mood. Now she takes herself to her room when She's told to calm down. This is not a punishment. It's teaching her how to manage.

I would also consistently discipline around boundaries with which I'd be very clear about with him. You'll need to be on top of this for some time until he learns this is a new way and you're going to stick with it. I also recommend Jane Nelson's books. And Love and Logic. Be calm but firm. Above all consistent.

First response

Is he on drugs? Certain drugs cause that sort of behaviour. what you describe is psychotic behaviour. He's not in touch with reality. This behaviour is not the sort that can be managed by parents. I urge you to talk with a therapist who has experience with drugs and psychotic episodes. If you're sure he hasn't used drugs I suggest he has a,serious mental illness. Either condition requires getting help from professional people.

If he has another such episode call the police for help. They have training and experience in handling an out of control person. They can also suggest resources for help.

Your son is in danger and so are you.

I am a retired police officer and seen this sort of behaviour. I've also been trained in mental health issues.

Rambunctious is one thing.
Holes in the walls and major breakage/damage - that's way over the top.
First I'd video it, keep a food diary and I'd really consider having his doctor look this over.
If you find there's no medical reason for this, then discipline is going to have to start reining him in.
If something gets broke, it doesn't get replaced and he'll live without it.

I made it my job not to let them get so wound out of control that we couldn't avoid a meltdown. Wild play is for outside. Warnings before we leave.
Choices/distractions always worked.

if hunger is the cause try something nutritious and simple, a easy to snack on veggie like carrots or celery or something. avoid fruits as they have higher sugar and will create a sugar rush of energy.
if it follows a meal keep a food journal and a log of when this behavior happens, you might find there is a food or a food additive thats the cause.
if you know he is about to get tired then leave before the behavior gets outta hand.
try to find the causes and prevent it from happening. when all else fails pick him up and carry him out screaming or not.

If they were indoors and bouncing off the walls, then I sent them outdoors or took them someplace where it was appropriate to run around. (My kids would normally go out and play after a meal, especially when they were little.) When they didn't want to end an activity or leave someplace where they were having a great time I usually just carried them out kicking and screaming. They eventually grew out of it and learned that crying wasn't going to change my mind.

This sounds very normal to me. I deal with this a lot with my two boys who are 3 and 5. They also feed off each other so their energy can escalate pretty quickly. Redirection to a different less energenic activity can work... like play doh or a board game or even reading a book. All kids have meltdowns when they are that wound up. I don't have too much advice but hopefully more moral support with "been there".

I would usually stop my daughter before getting that out of control, its better to prevent it. Getting down to their level and letting them know its time to calm down is the best way (at least for us). I would also give warnings before we are leaving, like 15 minutes, 10 minutes, etc..

I can tell when my kid is over tired, she is just the biggest cranky puss, that's when I know its time for bed or at least a nap. Even now at age 8.

Some food additives will also effect behavior likes dyes and refined sugars so be aware of what he is eating.

It sounds like this can happen anywhere, but this description was at Grandma & Grandpa's house. I loved going to my grandmother's house. There were always other kids there, red fruit punch, and ice cream. I bet my mother had a very similar description. Is there something he is eating that gives him this boost of energy? If so, cut back.

Perhaps you need to start slowing the activity down by telling him this is the last round and then we are going to start getting ready to leave. You may also want to have that discussion with him before he starts his visit.