Basically I have this friend who I have known since grade 7 and after I finished high school and went off to college we didn't talk for 6 years. We were never all that close or anything but we had the same group of friends. She moved into the same city as me last year and we hung out a bit.
She said and did some things to my husband that were really inconsiderate and uncalled for. She did this because I met and married my husband in an unconventional way and she was being overprotective of me (which I thought was over the top).
So he hates her and when I got pregnant he really didn't want me to tell her so I respected his wishes. He openly and proudly told everyone else it's just her he didn't want to tell. Another reason I didn't want to tell her is because she had an abortion a few years ago and every time I talked about kids with her she acted very uncomfortable. She told me about this before I met my husband and I thought it was inappropriate to tell me something so personal and controversial when we hadn't talked much in the past 6 years. Also, I was the only person she told about her choice (she didn't even tell her common-law spouse of 6 years and I'm pretty sure he would of loved to have a baby because he even mentioned it when I met him!!). My husband is from Ireland where they typically have many children and when she found out that my husband has 8 siblings you should have seen the look on her face.
Anyways, now I have a beautiful one month old daughter and my friend doesn't know about her (I haven't seen my friend at all since I was visibly pregnant). What do I do?? How do I tell her?? She might be ok with it or she might be really hurt that I kept such a big secret from her.
I guess I'm fretting over this because I cannot understand these people and their behaviors.
She probably already knows, and if not, next time you see her just act like you assumed she knew. You guys don't sound very close if you live in the same town and have not seen each other for a year, so I wouldn't worry about it.
You guys are parents now so both of you need to grow up and deal with adult relationships like adults. Keeping secrets sounds like little schoolgirl drama.
Just wait until you see or talk to her next. If you see her out, then she'll see the baby. You can just say, "it's been a while since I've seen you". I would not call her up just to tell her.
Sorry, but if your husband doesn't like her and you didn't care enough to talk to her about your pregnancy... why are you keeping this friendship?
Send out a family picture Christmas card to everyone including her.
Eventually she's going to find out.
You can't really control how she feels about it.
For the most part the expectation for most married people is that they are going to start a family at some point.
It's not really reasonable to not have kids so as to not hurt someone else s feelings.
Additional:
Um, when she had the abortion, was it his child?
That might explain a lot about why your husband is acting how he is regarding your pregnancy and (not) telling her about it.
Probably not but some of these questions play out quite a bit like a Jerry Springer show.
Did you talk with her during your pregnancy? If so, I think this situation is really weird. How does telling her hurt him? What's the point of not telling her? If you haven't talked with her I suggest it's not unusual for her to not know and mentioning the baby now would not be a problem. Unless you call her after all this time. Then, a call would seem weird too.
So, if you haven't talked with her for 6-7 months I wouldn't call her now. It would seem like you're putting the baby in her face. Makes no sense to me to avoid her all this time and now want to be friends again. If I were her I would not consider you my friend.
If you have been talking with her, I'd tell her next time you talk that you have a baby and apologize for not having told her you were pregnant. Awkward; may hurt her feelings. You just accept that as a consequence for your decision. Don't try to convince her you had a good reason for not telling her.
Does your husband decide for you what you will and will not do with your friends? If so, I'd take this as a lesson to take charge of my life. Do you control his friendships? I bet not.
So she said some things about him he didn't like. So he doesn't have to see or talk with her. But if you like her then you can see and talk with her. You can respect his feelings by not talking about her. I'm not saying to keep the friendship secret. Just don't make her a conversation topic with him.
If the things she said and did to him were seriously out of line why do you still want her as a friend? Because he's so angry I wonder if what she said is too close to the truth. In which case I'd see her comments as trying to be supportive of me and I'd continue the friendship with some boundaries.
Actually you have two kids....sorry, but your husband is not acting as an adult. We don't know what she did, so I don't know whether to say he is right or wrong to not want her involved in his family at all, but still.
Obviously YOU don't think it was that bad or this wouldn't be on your mind at all.
If anyone has ever been rude or mean to my husband, I have let them go. If I run into them I am polite, but I in no way worry about their feelings. I would be over her. My husband is my priority in my life and if you insult him, you have insulted me.
Do you want to still be her friend? If you do make sure you give your husband the heads up because I do not believe in married couples keeping secrets from each other.
If he has told you what he wants, but you do not agree, be honest and hash it out. But do not cause drama, do not become part of drama, do not seek drama.
You are an adult, your feelings need to be heard, but you are also married and your spouse should also be heard. This is where honest communication needs to come into play.
But her choices are her choices. Your joy is your joy and you are allowed to be happy and proud. Anything else is her problem. If you decide to tell her, she will then need to deal with her own issues, you are not responsible for any of her life choices.
You don't.
Why would you?
Your husband made that decision for you.
Do you do everything he says?
Oh what tangled webs we weave.....
A.,
Welcome to mamapedia!!
Your husband is childish/immature. Do you honestly think people didn't talk? Especially if you have the same group of friends?? PAHLEASE!!!
This girl is NOT your "friend", she is an acquaintance. You haven't reached out to her at ALL??? She hasn't reached out to you at all???
Are you telling me and expecting me to believe that you call this person a "friend" (whom you judge for having an abortion and acted weird when talking about) and you didn't talk to her for a YEAR?? If she's a real friend? When you see or talk to her next? You tell her about your child. Are you REALLY going to see her? Especially if she did something inconsiderate and uncalled for to your husband? DO you really want a person around that will cause your marriage stress?
The only reason I can think of for a GROWN MAN to "hate" someone is because they used to be together and she aborted his child without telling him about the baby FIRST....is that what was inconsiderate and uncalled for?
Basically - this chick is an acquaintance of yours. She is NOT a "friend". When you see her again - you can tell her your news and work it out from there.
You don't. How odd under these circumstances to receive a birth notice from someone I don't talk to. What would you expect her to do with that notice, come to your house for a visit?
This is not an announcement that you need to make. Whenever you see or hear from her again, tell her. Or talk about it like she already knows, because it's very likely that she does. If you plan to see her, take the baby with you. That'll break the ice.
Did this scenario not play out in your mind when you made the decision not to tell her? It's kind of childish of him to demand to keep it away from her. But since you haven't seen her, have you talked to her? If you didn't see her or talk to her, then there was no natural opportunity to tell her and I'd say it's no big deal. Clearly you're not that close to begin with.
I am struck by a grown man acting this way. He sounds very insecure that he would act this way and even tell people about it. My two cents: tell hubby you were wrong to go along with his plan (ok for him to feel upset with her but his choice of how to handle it is concerning) and then call your friend and apologize. If she is not someone who is friend material then handle it directly and move on. I think you have bigger fish to fry than telling this friend about your baby. You have to figure out how to address your husband's immaturity. Yes, it is important to honor his wishes but not when he is acting like a 5th grade girl and intentionally hurting other people and then bragging about it.
Why are you fretting over a relationship that is practically non-existent?
From the sounds of it you won't be seeing her intentionally ever again. Move on. And if you bump into you say, "Hello, this is our newest addition....Baby so and so..."
Look, you followed your husband's immature advice and you are feeling some guilt over it, and trying to blame it on the fact that she had an abortion, and you chose life. The real loss is the loss of the friendship, not the loss in not telling her you had a baby.
You've kept your distance from her all this time? Or just didn't physically see her but still kept in contact?
It sounds like there's an opportunity here for you to cut her off. If you truly feel she her actions were in the wrong then you should lengthen your connections. If she was provoked or misinformed and reacted badly then some forgiveness could help hubby.
I'd probably just not call her or email her or stuff for a while and see what happens. If she keeps contacting you let her know, if you even want to do that, that life happened and you just had a baby and you are too busy to be around mean people.
You know you kept the secret because your friend acts kind of weird when you mention kids not because your husband told you to do so. You didn't want to deal with anything negative during your pregnancy which is perfectly normal. Stop blaming 100% of this on your hubby and take ownership of it. You respected his wishes because it was easier for you.
Here's the deal on friends. Some friends you will have all your life. You grown together and as things change your friendship remains. Some friends you outgrow. You aren't the same person you were in 7th grade or in college. Ask yourself the question that if you met this person today would she be your friend?
I think you just need to figure out what relationship you want with this person and then come clean about it. If you wanted her in your life then you'd have made an effort to meet her for coffee or some shopping. You are obviously ok with not having her around so let her know that while you will always think of her fondly you don't see a real friendship with her at this point. It's hard. Feelings will be hurt but it'll be ok.
I don't get it. If you were kind of sort of friends in high school (but not really), and aren't really friends now and hardly ever see her, why do you need to make a special point of telling her? She'll figure it out whe she sees you with a baby IF she ever sees you again, just as all "sometimes-acquaintances” do when people have babies.
I see Red Flags EVERYWHERE...
You don't have a relationship with this person.
You have an immature husband.
Do you really want to have a relationship with someone who was rude to your husband? That's a lot of stress to add to what appears to be a very young marriage.
I would bet that she already knows you had a baby. Hoo-Loo hit the nail on the head. What exactly do you expect to happen here?
Move on. You're NOT friends. You're acquaintances. Stick with people that support you and your marriage.
Too many unknowns here to answer the question. How in the world did you meet your husband that it worried your girlfriend? What else about him worried her? Cant tell if she is the rude one here or if she had legitimate reasons to warn you about this guy....
Only if u see her in person.
Just tell her you have a baby. If she says she didn't even know you were pregnant, tell her you haven't heard from her so you weren't able to tell her. Or just say, 'I'm sorry, I thought you knew.".
