How Have Other Moms Handled Kids with ODD

Choices. For some reason he needs to feel in control.

http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_...

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/oppositional-defiant-dis...

Hi J.:
You need to realize first and most importantly,that your sons health and welfare is in your hands. You and you alone, are responsible for making final decisions,regarding his treatment. You are not required to medicate your son simply because it was suggested by A DR or Psychiatrist.You will recieve many responses here, from other mothers, who will tell you, that your sons attitude,is completely normal.Like many children, who live,and have to adapt to A desolved relationship between their parents. While away,your son will be under different guidelines,different attitudes,and will return home to you after a visit,with mixed feelings.Wether it be because his dad was more strict,or easier on him than you, or wether it be because being with his dad was a cruel reminder for him, of what he missed,when you were a (FAMILY)These things will bother him,and he will act out. He probably acted out some, when he showed up at his dads to.I'm sure this attitude concerns you,but be very careful, not to overact. As you may have noticed,there appears to be this massive epidemic of ADHD,and ODD. I think its more of an epidemic of DPFP (Drs proffiting from Pharmaceuticals) Physicians get kickbacks each and every time they prescribe A medication.Especially MEDS! It should anger many a parent, that there are so many Drs. out there, making phoney diagnosis to profit.Jeopardizing our childrens health and futures.I understand, that you want to do whats best for your son,however your sons attitude,considering the circumstances,is very natural,and it would be sad,to label him as anything other than (A normal boy,who is hurt that his parents fell out of love.I wish you and your darlin boy the best.

Hi J.,
I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. As a pediatric neuropsychologist, I know how hard it is to deal with that diagnosis (not to mention the behavior associated with it)! I'd recommend Russell Barkley's book, "Your Defiant Child," and,as I'm sure your psychiatrist did, professional help with designing an effective intervention. Good luck!
Oh, I'm not advertising for myself. I do assessment, not that kind of intervention. UCLA might be a good place to call though. E.

J.,

My daughter used to come home from her Dad's with major attitude starting much younger. I used a two prong way of dealing with it. First of all, I combiined time outs with asking her what this was about. I asked her if her father let act like this. She said no, so I asked why she thought it was ok to act like this with me. If she had said yes, I would have explained that rules are different at different places. Kids understand this concept very early on. They know they get away with less at school and more at grandma's.

Also I allowed her, with rules, to "debate" me. She had to have good reasons - no "cause I want to". So if I said no, she could try to change my mind. If I said no again, she had to accept it, or if she had another arguement I would listen. Sometimes she changed my mind. Although we did go through a phase where she challenged me on everything, just becausse she could, hence the rules about the second time I said no. The arrangement made her feel listened to and taught her to think. One day she asked me for a cell phone and had 5 good reasons why she should have one, including I could take it away as punishment if needed.

Sometimes she just needed decompression time after visiting her father. It worked better when I dropped her off at school in the moring and he picked her up after school and visa versa. I understand that will not work in your case. On the times he dropped her off directly to me, I greeted her with a hug and a kiss and then let her be until she was ready, usually a couple hours, although occasionally she didn't really talk until the next morning. It is hard to go back and forth and spend time living with one parent and then the other, and she only spent every other weekend there.

And, when she was just plain being defiant and nothing I said worked, punishment did happen. Usually losing tv for a period of time and that seemed to work the best with her. Sometimes I told her that she must be tired to be acting so badly and told her to take a nap. It would all depend on how badly she behaved. I also explained that when she was generally good I tended to be more and she could "get away" with stuff that was boderline, but if overall she was not behaving then I would deal with a toe over the line. It was much easier on us both when she behaved well and followed the household rules, which I have to say was most the time.
She understood and I very rarely had to apply major discipline.

Also maybe try some counseling with someone other than a psychiatrist, someone who CANNOT prescribe drugs or he will most likely be put on them. I hate to see society medicate our kids into submission and sameness with these diagnoses of AHDD and ODD and so on. I hope you are not going the meds route except as a last resort. Sometimes they just need to be heard in a safe environment. There may be something going on that he can't talk to you about, trying to be loyal to both you and his father. A third party can be a safe place to help him sort it out.

I know this is long and I hope you find some help in it. Loving discipline is the key. When I was raising my daughter many parents I was around were afraid to discipline their children, wanting to be their friend. As I told my daughter, if I didn't care, I wouldn't bother to discipline. I was her friend when possible, but if it was a choice between being a friend and mother, well, she had lots of friends.

You give no details, so I am not sure what you have done and not done, so forgive me if my suggestions cover what you have already done. I wish you and your family the best.

Please be careful with labels. Don't let him hear you call him that (on the phone to friends and relatives.) Your son could just be feeling REALLY angry (among other complicated feelings) about the divorce, separation, having to go to 2 different houses, etc... (One parent could be mean (and you won't see it) or say inappropriate things to him after the divorce. That would hurt him too. If his dad is still bitter and saying mean things about you and your new husband and baby, it will affect your son.) That could take a toll on a child and any child would get "oppositional" when faced with less. He has a lot on his plate.

There is a school of thought that argues "all misbehavior is due to unmet needs."
http://www.awareparenting.com/misbehav.htm

When my son was 4 and his baby sister was born, he was a monster * with me * for an entire year. Punishments did not work... only when I started spending special one-on-one time with him did things change over night!

So at the time, my son needed some attention from me. I now try to make private time for each child once a month. It goes a long way.

I'm not saying any of this make you feel bad at all. I'm just point out his reality, from his point of view. What's done is done, now your challenge is to help him deal with a really tough situation from his POV.

Hello J.,

Please check out these links to youtube. They have a different perspective that you NEED to check out!

Have a good day!

M.

#1 Video:
http://www.youtube.com/swf/l.swf?swf=http%3A//s.ytimg.com...

or
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73SRn1gdAdM
(8-1/2 minutes):

#2 Video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcvCtxaiOGg
(7-1/2 minutes)

#3 Video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58UZqr3fiZI
(6 minutes)

J., I so understand how you are feeling as a MAMA myself, and I was wondering have you ever thought about researching homeopathic and natural remedies for your son? Sugar, dyes, different food combinations and even toxins (in the environment and home) can truly make a difference in a child's behavior. My only concern with this psychiatrist is that hands down he will medicate your son, and I definitely know from personal experience psych medications do more harm than good and that, in fact, there are many natural solutions that can actually help with what your son is going through.

I highly recommend contacting Dr. Anita Pepi who is truly an amazing Chiropractor and Nutritionist and would definitely be able to help him naturally.

Here's her data:

2950 Los Feliz Blvd. Suite 101
Los Angeles, CA 90039
(323) 666~1088
http://www.drpepi.com

If she is too far for you, please let me know as I may know of an incredible nutritionist that is closer to you.

In addition, I truly suggest contacting the most amazing Occupational Therapist/ Life Coach I know: Dani Sigal. She approaches her work from a holistic perspective, using fun child and family-centered approaches to support children in developing the skills and foundations they need in order to thrive. She can be reached at ###-###-#### or via e~mail at: ____@____.com.

I also recommend checking out 5 organizations validating why going the natural route is best for you and your son:
http://ablechild.org/
http://www.cchr.org/
http://www.fightforkids.org/
http://www.psychsearch.net/teenscreen.html
http://www.labelmesane.com/

You'll also find some amazing data regarding alternatives at: http://www.cchr.org/solutions_and_alternatives/

And, J., please watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Xjx0gdL83I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRJN_NfyiH4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgMovNmtRF0&feature=user
http://www.psychconflicts.org/
http://www.cchr.org/#/videos

Please free to contact me at: (323) 906~2784 or via e~mail me at ____@____.com.

I'd love to help you however I can.

With love,
L. (MAMA to 13 month old Dylan Orion.......29 September 2007) : )))

Good heavens, a psychiatric label at the age of 8. Please DO NOT let your son hear you label him in this way. He is angry and depressed, and rightly so. His parents are not together. His world is torn in two. Of course this will have psychological consequences! The key is you and your husband. The treatment is usually parent training, first and foremost. You need to learn how to effectively parent your son in a positive way. There is nothing to grasp or understand except that you need to go to the training and consistently put it into practice. Do it now, and do it well. Your son will be a teenager before you know it and then it will be too late.

Food can be a very big issue and was for us. My son had such trouble with artificial food coloring. Here is an article for you to read: http://www.bluedominoes.com/feature_article.php

We used homeopathy and supplements as well as modifying his diet. He is doing fantastic! Two doctors really helped us out with identifying the proper supplements to use for him. The first was Dr. Dan Harper M.D. ###-###-####. He is in Solana Beach, California and the next was Dr. David Barold, M.D. ###-###-####. He is in Old Town San Diego.

D.

I am going through something similar but mine is with a 4 year old. For months I noticed a decline in attitude. He was extremely aggressive and borderline violent with friends. Like you, I took him to a psychiatrist. He was diagnosed with ODD. It scared me more though because I did not understand what or where this all came from. My son was put on 2 different meds (Vyvanse and Respirdal). Vyvanse will calm the hyperactivity and impulsivity and Respiridal is for negative behaviors. Within a week on these medications, I saw major differences. I am usually very wary of medications and was skeptical of beginning this process but it has been a good experience. I talked to another woman that I work with and she has a niece that was on the same meds as my son so she gave me a lot of insight and made me feel a lot more comfortable with the process.Did the psychiatrist do anything for your son? I can only imagine what you are feeling~I felt lost and hopeless. Good Luck~it will get better :0)

Hi J.,
My daughter also went to a psychologist at around that age and was diagnosed with ODD as well. She is 11 now and we still struggle sometimes,but it is better than it was. What I did in order to objectify it was to focus on the positive as opposed to the negative. My daughter loved (and still loves) recognition. So i would put up a chart every week with small chores and expectations (ie behaving during dinner) and at the end of the week if she had a certain amount of stars she got the privlidge of picking out a movie, a dessert for the family or whatever we decided on.
I have found as she has gotton older that I have to really stick to discipline. I no longer have the chart, but she does have chores and if she does them she gets her allowance. If she does not, then no allowance. these type of strong willed kids if you give them an inch, at times they will take a mile. Make sure to show your son alot of love, but let his own behavior dtermine his consequences. I never had a blended family so unfortunatly i can't comment on that.
Good luck to you and happy sunday! J.

Hi J.,
Although I've not dealt with ODD as a mom, I have, several times, as a teacher. It might be easier to talk over the phone, which I'd be happy to do. I used to teach 8 yr. olds and have had several students with combinations of ODD and ADHD. Perhaps a conversation might help. If so, shoot me an email and I'll pass along my phone number. I'd love to help if I can.
Most importantly, remember this: this is no reflection of your parenting skills.
L.

J.,

I feel for you. I also think that he may just be 8 and trying, to assert independence. I have two boys who just turned 9.
Here are a few suggestions and ideas...
Your son is old enough to talk to and get his side of the story. What provokes him to be defiant?
My son gets Opositional and Defiant when he doesn't like what's happening around him, doesn't agree, or feels that he doesn't have a choice on things. (I know this because I've asked him) in a friendly conversational tone... Hey how come you won't ... or why do we have such trouble with...
He's extremely strong willed and most of his defiance comes from his innate desire to be in control of his personal situation.

I have to change the way I approach him, not the outcome of what I want... just the approach. For example if I want him to wear a sweater I'll hold up 2 and say which one would you like to wear.
I would also get a second opinion...questions to ponder. Is the trouble intensified at home...or does it also happen at school? How quickly was the diagnosis made? How much experience does this dr have with this disorder? Did the Dr do a thorough examination, talking to you..your husband, getting input from the school?
Lastly if your child is in public school, they should have a school counselor, it might be a good idea to ask the teacher/principal if he can talk with the counselor. They may be able to get more answers and better ideas to help him cope.

My other son had anger issues, and the counselor was able to assist him in vocalizing his anger and better ways to deal with it.

Hope this helps?!
L.

I have a very good friend/client of mine who works with children through a non-profit organization...she may be able to help you....I don't know what the rate is, however, it would be worth a phone call/appointment. They are located in Orange County, however, I will give you Jennifers's cell phone number direct. Jennifer Johns - ###-###-####

Alot of her kids are autistic, but I believe she works with other children with different behavorial problems. I hope this helps.

T.

P.S. Also, you can put whatever label you want on a child, however,but when parents are divorced and they go back and forth between the parents, this seems common with the attitude.

J.,
You say his attitude changed after coming back from a summer holiday with his dad in a different state. Sounds like the rules may have been different at his dad's place. I would try to get your son to open up about what he did there. Do not interrogate him, just have him share. Act interested, do not criticize his dad or the situation there. He may resent having to follow rules at your home. How long have you been married to your present husband? Does your son and him get a long very well? These are questions that have to be answered. Has your son's father been tough on your son previously, verbally? Or maybe just the opposite and too lenient. It seems that the problem may not be ODD. If the two environments are totally different, what can we expect from an eight year old boy? We can't cope that well with changes as adults, and it is even harder for a child. Continue to be open with him, and try not to go off on him when he is rude, non responsive, and acts like he doesn't have to listen to you. Positive reinforcement goes along way, just keep the punishment down to a minimum. Don't ground him forever or take his computer/game time away for too long or he will not see any reason to change his attitude. I hope this helps. You sound like your trying to help your son, and that is a big step in the right direction.

E.:)

HI There..Sure understand your concern~~ My grandson whom we are still raising has ADD/ADHD and is on a good combination of meds for it. Some years ago he was in his early teens and was in counseling at the time, which we did as a family..a good solution to get it all out there.
His attitude became very enraged at times, and he would take it out on the house..punching walls and also getting physical with us..to the point we wanted to finally put him in residential care. Before that can happen, under counseling it is reccommended that TBS be given a try. That stands for Theraputic Behalvioral Science. We would do anything for our grandson, and he agreed that he would give it a try. This is where a counselor comes into the home for a few months and observes and interacts with the child. They figure out steps to overcome the anger and use that energy in a better manor.
He learned to blow up a balloon, pop bubble wrap, punch a pillow..color if that is something they like to do normally. We are given a chart to keep track of his anger and when he received so many stars it gets traded for paper money..to trade into gift cards or something else that the child may like that interests him. Only 5 play dollars at a time are accummulated. The idea of the above items to use is to take the focus off the anger and allow him to act out..but in a safe manor. The therapist was with us for 3 months several times a week. IT WORKED!! He graduated from the program and got a certificate of completion..years later he still uses this method. He has remained under our roof a calmer teen, now ready for his 18th bday. Keep up the counseling and if meds are needed also..that will come with trial and error in what works best..PRAY for PATIENCE..Mothering and Parenting never ends!! Bless you!!

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