How Much Do You Cater to Your Kid's Friends?

Updated on May 29, 2016
S.L. asks from Arvada, CO
16 answers

I'm just curious how much you cater to your kids' friends. My dd has a friend who is always inviting her over for sleepovers and to her house which is very nice of her, but the mother is usually nowhere to be found. She's somewhere in the house but I never see her.The kids sort of rummage through the house to find things to eat if they're hungry and when I've stepped in to pick her up, the house is a messy disaster. It's a nice house in a nice area, but it seems rather chaotic. My daughter has seen her a few times, but she was in her pj's watching TV. I did meet the mother at school, but I've never seen her at the house.
I'm trying not to judge because it's hard for me to host sleepovers since my husband has a very early morning schedule and I'm afraid he'd be up all night with the noise and it seems like whenever her dd asks to have friends over, she says yes. I know everyone has their own way of doing things....but I usually greet our company at the door and offer kids food, drinks, etc. The kids are 12-13
How much do you cater to kids friends?

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So What Happened?

Okay thanks for the replies, what I mean by "cater" is greeting at the door, providing food and somewhere to sleep (all the kids pile on a bed), breakfast, and minimal supervision.
I think she's fine at this house...I guess we all have our own way of doing things. I usually say hello to both the kids and parents who drop off, I arrange a pick up time, and I check in with the kids periodically to see if they want anything. But at this age I think they can fend for themselves.

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S.G.

answers from Los Angeles on

My kids greet their own company at the door. At 10 and 13 the parents aren't bringing the kids to the door. I do not "entertain" my kids friends. I try to keep out of the way. If they are invited for dinner I will cook and serve the meal, but my kids can take care of providing their friends with snacks. I will usually make breakfast if they sleep over.

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R.B.

answers from San Francisco on

At 12-13, unless there was some real negligence or danger going on at the other kid's house, I allowed my kids to go to their houses. I guess that's what you mean by "cater"?

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A.G.

answers from Dallas on

It depends on how well I know the people, the adults and the kids. If I don't know them well, then I will greet them at the door, otherwise I let my son meet his friends and off they go.

As for food, at 12-13, my boys know how to fend for themselves. They know how to cook simple meals, and when they have friends over they like to do their own thing. If I have a family meal planned, then that's what we'll do, but usually it's a Friday night and I'm fine with taking it easy and letting the boys scrounge. They know how to find what they need and clean up after themselves. I never fix breakfast. They're better at it than I am. Also, I work hard as a teacher, and if I'm home, I'm in pajamas. My house is spotless because I have control issues, but I like to be comfortable. Everyone who knows me has seen me in pajamas. I don't see it as a character flaw.

I guess to answer your question simply, I don't cater to my kids friends much at all. I make sure there is food in the house for them. I tend to their cuts and scrapes when they get hurt. I get them blankets and pillows before bed so that they will have what they need to be comfortable sleeping. Other than that, they are usually outside getting into adventures, watching movies or playing games with us, or working on building a new computer together.

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J.B.

answers from Boston on

My younger sons have a friend whose mom seems very hands off when they are over...never comes to the door, the kids are more or less free to do what they want, feed themselves, etc. There is a grandfather who lives there who seems to be more hands on from what the kids tell me (he cooks dinner or provides breakfast food if they sleep over) but I've never actually met him either. For the first few years the older of my younger two was friends with this boy he would sleep over once a year for the kid's birthday and without fail when I would pick up on Sunday morning to get my son to CCD (and I always reminded the mom in advance that I would be picking up at 8:45) mom wasn't awake, kid wasn't ready, I'd have to ring the bell several times to get my son to come to the door and inevitably the Christmas tree was still up (at the end of March).

That said...this boy is the sweetest, most responsible, level-headed, good influence friend I could hope for. He is unfailingly polite, always on time, encourages my sons to get their homework done after school so that they can play after, etc. When I do interact with the mom (mostly via text) she is as sweet as can be, loves having my kids over (her son is an only child), my kids are always welcome in her home, etc. but she just lets them be. Not my style, but based on how great a kid her son is, I can't really judge or criticize.

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E.S.

answers from Phoenix on

What a great question! I always do a simple wave at the door To let them know I'm here. I make sure food/ drinks are available. I make lunch/ and or dinner. That's it. I do my thing and they do their thing. Every now and then I'll go to where they are and ask if everything is okay (I'm not there for longer than 1minute asking)This is for 12 and 13 year olds. I always make sure they go home full and content. I expect the same exact thing.Don't get me started on transportation!! I believe if the kid is going to that friends house that kid is to be dropped off and picked up. Right?? Idk. When there younger you have to be more involved. I did get really mad when parents call me asking me if that friend can come over so the kids can hang out, but really the parent just wants a babysitter (this is when they were younger)

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J.T.

answers from New York on

My kids are a bit younger but yes, I usually meet the other parents and check in on the kids. I know what you mean by cater and I don't set up art projects for them or facilitate too much but when they're hungry I either get them something or tell them what to get. So I'd find this odd too. But some people are odd! And as kids get older, I figure as long as nothing dangerous or inappropriate is going on, it's ok. The mother of my best friend growing up was divorced and would come home from her "hard day at work" (10am-3pm job in an office) and go to her room and talk on the phone or sleep. The house was neat bc she had a cleaning person and once in a while she would cook but my friend did a lot of the meal prep. My friend grew up very independent and disowned the mother.

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C.N.

answers from Baton Rouge on

At 12, she answered the door when her friends came over and they entertained themselves.

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M.D.

answers from Washington DC on

We have raised our kids to make decisions of where they are. If they go somewhere and they aren't comfortable, they call for a ride home. But honestly, we only let them go stay places where we know the families and trust them. At 12-13, your kid should know if she's in safe place or not.

I don't get the part about catering? I don't see that as catering....

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E.J.

answers from Chicago on

How old is the child?

For my 8 year old, I greet the parent when they are dropped off or picked up, even if it is just a wave at the window.

Same for my 10 year old.

If it is neighborhood kids or for my 11 year old (where they are walking through neighborhood), I have mom text me that they are there.

Beyond the greeting, my kids are the hosts of their guests and I am usually within ear distance if they need something.

As for your dd 's friend, I think at next play date I would ask to talk to mom, just to check in and make sure I feel comfortable leaving my daughter there.
If not I would have play dates at my house.

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A.D.

answers from Minneapolis on

At 12-13, I let my kids take the lead. My DD has a neighbor friend she met through a school friend, whose parents I've met only once, briefly. But they seem like a very nice family, no red flags, really. And I am very cautious. DD gets invited to sleep over A LOT from this friend, and I feel it's OK to let her go. I drop her off and her friend opens the door. I watch from the car, no problem. I will wait in the car and text her in the morning to tell her I'm there after a sleepover. Never have I had any problems with my DD at their house. I don't have to go see her Mom each time. The friend also seems to have responsible older (college aged) sibs around, and her friend's parents have been available to come pick up my DD when our own family has been in some chaotic situations and DD needed some space, which is very kind of them. I've encouraged DD to reciprocate and invite her friend to sleep over here, but this friend I guess, has diabetes, and her parents are just so much more comfortable being the sleepover hosts, so I'm OK with that.

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

I'd feel weird not knowing who my kid was staying with.
Friends are all good and well but I want to meet the parents and who ever else is there (other siblings).
We never did sleep overs - our son's just not a sleep over guy.
He did a few Parents Night Out Lockdowns at taekwondo but he's never wanted anything more.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

We're kind of in the middle.

If parents come to the door, I always greet them and chat. Typically we're friends with our kids' friends' parents (at least enough to have a chit chat) - and if they are new parents, I just do the "Hello we're .." thing. Talk about pick up if needs be.

Otherwise, my kids let them in and I'll just yell hello to the kid. My kids at this age want to greet them themselves.

They also take care of snacks at this age - or at most will come and ask me. At that age, they are taking over making lunch for them. For an evening meal, we'll make something as a family but leave them to it - burgers, pizza, whatever. They hang out in kitchen at eat.

This lady may have a reason to be resting - shift work, not well, depression, or just vegging. My sister frequently greets guests at door in her pajamas. She puts them on the minute she's home. Just her thing.

N.G.

answers from Boston on

I am like the mamas who do not want anyone fending for themselves in my kitchen. So, I would cook and take the hotdogs, juice, chips to the bedroom where they were hanging out or out by the pool. I would be around but not close enough to hear the conversation.

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R.K.

answers from Appleton on

I would not like this situation. As a child I was taught not to go through other people's things including refrigerator cupboards drawers etc. I taught my kids the same way I feel this is respectful of other people's homes.
I would not like not knowing the other mom or if my child is going to get a meal while there.
You could arrange for food to be delivered pizza, Chinese, subs or maybe show up with a take out meal and ask to stay with the kids and the mom. This way you can spend time with her and talk to her. The mom could be going through something and need a friend.

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M.M.

answers from Boston on

Hi deedee

I think I'm alot like you and would find that situation unusual -- altho I also like to change into my pj's not long after I get home from work ...However, I woudn't call it catering; it's more of a common sense/courtesy thing particularly with kids that age, old enough to be alone for a while and do their own thing but still young enough to know you're there particularly for an overnight thing

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M.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

The first time I have a kid over, I talk to a parent at the door to see if there is anything I need to know (eg, a food allergy). Otherwise, I cater to them as much as I do to my kids any other day - which I don't really consider catering, just normal stuff like making them meals. But otherwise, no. I consider my son the host, not me. If his friend wants a drink or a snack, son can help him.

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