How much is too much when dealing with the parent of your child that you are no longer with. Background my sons father and I split when he was 1 1/2 years old. We both moved on and created our own lives. He stopped paying child support and until recently owed me $34,000. Around October of last year he was declared "disabled" and therefore gets social security for himself, my son and his two other kids. So my son and the other two children rec'd back payments from SS and so did he, or so I thought. Much to my suprise, a month ago I rec'd a settlement from his disability case. We had talked in the past about him giving me some of that money but in turn they awarded it to me. Now we go back and forth about how I am heartless and how could I does this to his children, not my son in this since he is taken care of. Tonight he blamed me for being heartless and neglecting his of this money that they deserve. I don't disagree that they don't deserve the money but again they also got a lump sum. I am about done with this and would totally waive his rights, but I have to worry about my son who is now 12. Any advice on how to handle this would be great, because I know I am tired of this and so is my other half who has helped support my son for the last four years.
If you receive any benefits from the state such as medical assistance, child care assistance... you don't have the choice to waive child support. No judge is going to sign an order doing that.
Just letting him off the hook because he is a complainer is not the way he will learn to be a responsible human being.
If it is an arrearage of past due child support he owed you, you are absolutely entitled to that money. It is not "for you" it is for both of your son. Did he not cost anything to raise during the years your ex-husband did not pay child support? I would itemize the costs of raising your son from the time the two of you split to now, from diapers, daycare, doctor's visits, insurance, food, etc. Put it down on black and white. Who got off cheaper? I'll bet dollars to doughnuts, he did. It is very expensive and hard to raise a child. And just wait, the teenage years are even more expensive.
I would not argue with him about it any longer. Show him the itemized expenses, and tell him you are not going to discuss it with him any longer. Also, don't drag your son into this argument either. It is not something he needs to know about. (Big people argument.)
file back child support with the state and let them handle it and let him argue with the judge. it will probably work in your favor. the judge will make him pay out of his social security. quit arguing with him let the state do it sign papers on him.
Tell him what goes around ALWAYS comes back around, and DANG! that feels good! Just kidding. Sometimes I want to gloat about things, but I usually don't. Anyway, just let him know that it was really irresponsible of him to stop paying child support when he did. Point out that he obviously had no problem with the fact that you were a single mom for a time, taking care of his part of the responsibility to your child, and this is your payment. Do not share it with him. Do not let him guilt trip you for taking money that the government has deemed you fit to receive, and do not let it bother you. It sounds like you just got something you highly deserve, so take it and use it. And have a little fun with it, too!
K.
Mom,
Mom,
I would not feel a bit bad or heartless at all after accepting the settlement that your sons bio-Dad owed for yrs I imagine. Maybe he should have thought about his 1st obligation to his 1st child b4 he had more children. Your boy deserves to have this $ to support him now and for his future since it was withheld by his bio-Dad. Remember you and his step Dad have supported him on your own for a long time. I would not bad mouth your son's bio-dad in his presence, but it sounds like he has a better, more caring and supportive step-Dad thankfully. Realize that college is just around the corner assuming your son will want to go; that settlement would be a good way to start a college fund.
Good Luck
Don't do anything to neglect your son''s relationship with his father. This is between you and him, don't get your son involved. It's only money, which can be replaced. Your sons feelings and relationship if he looses his dad over this, can never be brought back, just keep this in mind. Forget about the money.
I know I'm being uncharitable, but my first reaction was that your son's biological father just wants as much money as he can get for himself and is trying to guilt trip you. I'm assuming the other two sons live with him, so he'll be receiving their money as well. He certainly doesn't seem like a very responsible person. Your son is deserving of the money and like others have said, there's college to think about in the future and the back child support you are owed.
It may be that you received more in the settlement than he or the others recieved because of his back payment that he owed you. My friend's son is 14 and the state takes the money out of his paycheck first before anything else. This is because he didn't pay for years and owed almost 40K. So that may be the reason you got so much money from his settlement. Next time he says something remind him of not paying you his child support for all those years. Payback is Hell, for hiim! Good luck and God Bless.
It's none of your Ex's business how much money you got for your son. If he brings it up just shut him down. Tell him it's not up for discussion. The Social Security decided on how much to give your son not anyone else.
His other children got money and he shouldn't be trying to get you to give him any money back. He was behind on payments and that's his fault not yours.
When he brings it up each and every time just tell him you are not talking to him about it anymore. Walk away if you have to. Limit the time you talk to him if you have to!
He neglected his own son for YEARS, he was in contempt of court -and in some areas would be imprisoned, and he harasses YOU for the government paying his bad debts to his own child? Talk about a cold, selfish, prick.
Don't let him *bully* you into giving your son's money to him.
In fact, speak with an attorney about ending the harassment.
I have an ex with a sense of entitlement. That child has a right to be supported by both parents. Why let him out of it so easy by waiving his rights and denying the child to future entitlement such as realestate, insurance benefits possibly scholarships for school if he has a parent on disability ect.. also, the child knows who he is and I am sure desires a relationship with him and the other 2 half siblings. Maybe this will be a wake up call for him to stop making children and not supporting them sometimes that's the best birth control. I would give him nothing not a dime you only received what you were owed. When he calls hand the phone to the child to talk to "dad" and if he needs to rely a message/ communicate with you he needs to leave you a voice or written message 1)for documentation of this harrassment and you can turn it on and off anytime.
2) I would warn him not to contact you further about money unless he needs the address of where to send it to!
Now is the time to be feeling good that the struggle is over to soley support your child and now maybe you can take a vacation together - something you couldn't do with only one income. "Dad" had to of known that your son needs to eat everyday, go to daycare/school, field trips, birthday parties, clothes. I am sure he made sure the other 2 got everything that was needed. Bottom line give this guy or the other 2 kids nothing everyone got there fair cut.
It was awarded to you. There is nothing to argue about. Your son is entitled to every penny he got. Are you saying his other children got lump sums as well? Then you have nothing to feel guilty about, as they are taken care of also. The heartless one is the man who abondoned his child financially. That is selfish, heartless, cruel and evil. Father or not, I have zero sympathy for him doing this to his son (and you who was left to do everything on your own). Hopefully he has a decent relationship with his children and sees them (I hope the money issue does not keep him away in that regard). But, as far as the money goes there is nothing to talk about. He went on his own way and had other children, so it is up to him to take care of them and the one he had with you. I would not give it another thought and would not entertain another conversation on the subject with him.
Just ignore him as much as you can. Imagine trying to be him. If he is really disabled and can't work, he feels demasculated and his life is the pits. I suppose much of his troubles are his own making. But that doesn't make it any easier.
If it were me, I'd see if there was some need that you see that he has. Find something he might not do for himself but should and buy it for him. God always repays kindness and it might shut him up.
If they all got equal settlement's, I'm not sure why he would care. I'd put it in the bank for my son, he's still his son unless he's been adopted by someone else. If he has a problem with what was done he needs to take it up with the courts.
Have you tried writing it down in black & white? Total up the support he NEVER paid to his son and compare it to the settlement. This was not your decision--it was SS's. He's being a whiner and having a big pity party. I would basically ignore him. That money was for YOUR SON--not you and SS will see to it that it is used for the child.
You cannot "waive" your ex's rights..HE has to agree to terminate his parental rights. Why would you even consider that concerning a son who is 12? That's when a boy needs his father!
Keep the visitation issues separate from the financial ones.
I would also be concerned that your "better half" is uncomfortable with the fact that he has supported this child for 4 years.
Best of luck!
well since that money was given to your son by SS then all you have to tell the father is that it is his and that they aren't allowed to even give his father any part of the money. I believe you have to show receipts for every dollar that is spent and has to be for needs of the child. If you don't know this then you need to make sure because I know someone that got back pay for their son that is on disability and they got in trouble and a lawsuit for spending that money on home repairs and groceries without permission. It took 3 years of lawyer fees (of which they paid out of their pocket because they couldn't use the money for lawyer fees) to finally be done with it but they are too scared to touch the money even though the court let them keep it. Just make sure you know the rules on spending that money. Since it was back pay and they supported their son all those years without getting SS they thought they could use it to buy him things he needed and repairs on the house. They didn't notice the small fine print at the back of the booklet they received where it stated they needed permission to spend the money and had to keep receipts for everything they spend it on.
so you are heartless now but him not paying child support for years was what? not heartless?
i feel bad for him because he thinks you should turn around help him and his other kids out. it sounds like his other kids got something, but whether they did or not, your main priority is your son and yourself. yes, not him or his other kids.
tell him you're sorry he thinks you are heartless.
as for you, take care of yourself and your son. enjoy what you have deserved and was owed for years.
The money is yours & your son's. It is for you to be able to provide for him & college will be coming up before you know it (if he's going). His father has no right to try to make you feel guilty for the state awarding your son what was owed. It's not you/ your son's fault he went on to have two more children when already had one he wasn't supporting. As far as your son & waiving the father's rights...how much has seen his father or had contact with him? Has the father been a part of his life at all? Is he a good influence on your son? Is he truly disabled or did he finally get through all of the red tape & get "declared disabled"? (sorry don't mean to offend anyone..I just know people who have milked the disability system) My son was about 12 and people had gotten on me in front of him about going after his father for support when he hadn't been in his life since he ws 1 1/2 years. When we went to the car, I apologized to him, but asked him how he felt about all of it. I also asked him if he wanted me to go after his "father" for support. He wanted no part of any of it & he is 15 now & still wants no part of any of it. I would put all of the facts on the table & get your son's input...he's old enough & then make a decision on the rights. Good luck with all of it.
