How Other Moms Handle Single Parenting

I have a sign on my front door that says "Please excuse the noise and mess...My children are making happy memories!"
I think that covers it.

Hi S.,

Even when you are married you can feel single. My husband travels so I can relate to some of what you must be feeling.

When I worked I remember stressing about all that housework and dinner and homework. But then I realized that spending that quality time with the kids is what they are going to remember the most....they don't care what the house looks like.
BUT, you can get them involved...make games out of sorting clothes for laundry, let them help clean...kids love to clean, really they do. It may not look the way you want it to but you are spending time together and getting things done too...buy some kid friendly cookbooks and make meals out of them together...I saw one at my sons bookfair today by Paula Deen, it looks like a great book for little girls.

I hope some of these ideas help. Also look up the flylady.
www.flylady.com she has great strategies for tackling the work that might help.

Jen

Hi S.,
Congrats on concentrating on your daughters first. I used to get in this weird headspace sometimes where I stressed when I thought I wasn't providing a neat enough, organized enough home first as a part of "giving them the best"......but then, I missed moments of just having fun with them. (Now, I've probably gone too far the other way.....the house is a wreck much of the time!)

You know that old saying about how no one on their death bed says, "Gee, I really wish I'd spent more time cleaning (and ignoring my kids)." I used to repeat that to myself often.

Is there any chance you could hire a teenager or someone on an infrequent basis to do the really time demanding tasks once in awhile? Perhaps you could "barter" for services, or even, get together with other moms (single or not) and trade off cleaning while the kids play together.

As they get older, it will both be easier (because they're physically more able to help as a team) and harder (because their desires may lie in places other than cleaning). If you've already gotten them into a routine, it will be that much easier to keep it going when they hit adolescence.

I'd suggest the seemingly impossible - make sure you "pencil in" (with a permanent marker!) time for yourself. Time on your days off work to do something fun just for yourself - something other than catching up on cleaning. I'm sure I sound like some women's magazine, and I know how crazy that can seem, but it really helps you to keep perspective, to prevent burn-out, and to keep that elusive "balance". (If you have an every-other custody arrangement, it can become a standing "date" with yourself. Even if you're in an intimate relationship!)

I've also heard that Fly Lady is great - I think she has audio sessions you can listen to.

Best of luck.

If your girls are over 3, you can have them help you with SO MANY things (menu planning/shopping list/shopping, laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning, straightening/putting things away, feeding pets, etc). Incorporate them in everything you're having to do and make it fun 'together projects' instead of 'work' (or drudgery) that YOU 'have to do'.

At my house we crank up the music and clean for a couple of hours every Saturday morning and for a half hour every evening through the week. We make it a fun time and celebrate when it is done. We set a time limit by using a CD. When the CD is done we are done. We take turns picking the CD. We run around the house like crazy and get it all done fast. Then we do something fun afterwards--an ice cream cone, milk shake, go to the park, go to the library, watch a video together or a favorite TV show. It is the reward for cleaning.

One resource that helped me to establish routines so that I could get it all done was flylady.net. She has a system of morning, afternoon & before bed routines that help you to tidy up & keep ahead. Her motto is 'you can do anything for 15 minutes'. She also helps you divide your home into Zones so that you get those areas deeply cleaned at least once a month. It's amazing how easily you can do this, taking Babysteps!

So check it out, get your kids involved & see what happens. BTW, flylady is Finally Loving Yourself. She talks about living in C.H.A.O.S. (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) it's great.

Hope that helps.

The house only needs to be clean enough to be healthy. As long as there are no science experiments growing any where and organization is maintained so that you can always find what you need, the rest of the house work can just wait. I have two children and we turned house work into a team sport. When we have a Saturday morning when we are all at home, we all work together to get the majority of the house work done. My eight year old son thinks cleaning the toilet is fun, so that's his job. The cat's litter box is in the bathroom that my twelve year old daughter primarily uses so that's her job. My son loves to climb on the bathroom counter to clean the mirrors. I'm the quarter back and call the plays and we get the job done in no time. The radio is loud and we get a little silly but we are all in it together.
Good luck.

You don't say how old your kids are. If they're old enough, you could assign them jobs to do so that you don't have to do it all. Even if they're toddlers, they can do jobs *with* you rather than you doing it all by yourself. When you're washing clothes, have them help put stuff into the washer and/or dryer; when folding laundry, give them towels or washcloths to "fold"; when sweeping or mopping, involve them in picking up toys so the floor will be clean (or get them little brooms or mops so they can "help"); put them in charge of cleaning up their own toys...

Most importantly, though, make sure your standards are reasonable. You can keep things relatively neat even if the house isn't perfect; and your kids won't care if dust is an inch thick on the furniture. Take care of tasks that will build up if you don't stay on top of them (like dishes and laundry), and attack other jobs (like dusting and vacuuming that do not accumulate) as you have time, or if it gets *really* bad.

S., you don't say how old your children are but I was a single mom after divorce and from the time my son was 3-4 yrs old he helped me. We did things together. There is no reason why they shouldn't be helping you they can sweep the floor run the vacuum sort laundry, fold towels, etc... Just show them how.. it may not be perfect but it will be better than not being done at all. You could have them set the table and lower the dishes to a place where they can reach them, purchase some plastic ones if need be. Plus just think you are teaching them to be a great helper and teaching them life skills they will some day need.

Remember to always do what is BEST for YOU and YOUR family.

I've been divorced for five years and my son is now 7 years old. He helps me with the housework, though his schoolwork is most important and comes first.

He has certain daily chores and weekly chores that he has to do. He doesnt get rewarded for it because these are things he should be doing anyway. We make games out of cleaning, and break up the big tasks into smaller tasks. Cleaning the bathroom (and the cat litter my cats throw all over the place) is one of our leaset favorite tasks, but we make it into a game - usually trying to accomplish it all in 15 minutes. If we beat the clock, we reward ourselves with a 15 minute break and have a snack or just relax before tackling the next task.

I havent heard of the flylady before but since everyone is raving about her system, I think Im going to have to check her out for myself.

Just remember that your kids dont care if your house is spotless, and really that isnt the legacy you want them to remember. It's much better for them to remember that mom had movie night with them, or family game night, or whatever.... than the house was always clean but they felt ignored.

good luck... it's a tough balance to find and what works for others might not work for you... but you'll figure out something that does work :)

Don't spend all of your time off cleaning. I too am a single divorced mother with one daughter, I have worked both a full and a part-time job along with school. I finished my undergraduate which helped boost my income so I was able to quit working part-time. I am now working a better full-time job and working on my graduate degree. I gave up on my house being the most immaculate; however, it is clean. Everything is not always in a perfect place but who cares? I clean a little here and there so I won't have so much to do at one time. I may get up a little earlier in the mornings and clean the bathroom for instance, or sweep a couple of floors, dust a little. Don't feel guilty about not being able to do it all. As long as you are happy and spending time with your girls that is what they and you will remember not a super clean house.

http://flylady.net/
Someone posted this site a while back. I LOVE IT!!
It is about getting routines going, and positive thinking, and oh so much more. My house is getting cleaner than it has ever been, and I do not feel like I am bogged down with a whole house to clean.

First of all I would like to tell you you are doing what you have to do so your daughters have what they need and that deserves major props. I was a single mom for about 6 1/2 yrs and it was sooo hard. I worked 2 jobs all yr and around Sept or Oct I would pick up a 3rd job to get by at Christmas time. I missed alot of time with my son. I found after a few yrs that we were happier with less b/c it gave us more time together.As far as having a balance between everything , see about giving your daughters chores to do. Start with the small stuff like if you wash clothes have one dry them and the other put them away. Or have one sweep and the other mop, one do the dishes the other does the dusting. even tho you are the adult , the kids need to learn responsibility and keeping up the house is a good way to encourage it.I believe that will also give them a sence of pride in there life at home b/c they know they helped make there "house" a "HOME". Also , give your self a break atleast once a month. Go get some nice candles and bubble bath and enjoy being a women for a day not just a mom.The best of luck to you and your daughters.Keep your head up and remember God made women to have kids instead of men b/c we are strong enough to handle anything and you prove that everyday.

I love Flylady!!!
My kids at home are 7,11, and 13. I have a chore system that works pretty well. Each child has a dog day, a cat day, and a kitchen day. Those are the chores they do during the week. On Saturday the one who has dog day has the dining room, downstairs bath and the tv room, along with doo doo in the backyard. Cat person has two other rooms, a bathroom and cat litter. THe kitchen person has two rooms a bath and has do help with dishes.
I have also done this with my eldest who is 19. I used to hide pennies and dimes under things in the room he was to dust and I would tell him there was a dollar in there he just had to find it. We also have a game we play sometimes. I set the timer for 15 minutes and they have to speed clean then when the timer goes off we yell SWITCH and go into a different room and clean that one.
My house is NOT the cleanest, nicest, most pristine house on the block. We do what we can around schedules and if something doesn't get done so be it.

Hi S.-
Hang in there, it will get easier to handle as you find your groove...While I am still married, my daughter and I have been away from my husband for the past 3 months and it has been difficult but I found my way by deciding what really were my priorities.... On saturdays, we "sleep in" (till about 9!) and then we have a leisurely breakfast.. This makes my daugther and I feel very relaxed.. then we go thru a list of what needs to get done and we turn the music on and do it together... (that way we are accomplishing a few different things at the same time: Spending time together, learning (me: patience, her: house chores!) all the while getting things done without pressure... Again, my biggest thing was developing the ability to say "Does it really matter if I don't do that ____ fill in the blank" today or this week?
Best, W.

I feel ya! I'm in the same boat except I have 1 child. I work several jobs and feel like nothing gets done....but realizing you're not superwoman is the first step. I spread my cleaning through the week and even have my 5 yr old help. Writing out a schedule is great and realizing your day won't be horrible if you don't get floors mopped is wonderful.

I am a single mom and when I was married I kept the house all clean. But when I became a single mom I decided that it was more important to spend time with her then have everything so clean. My ex asked her if she was stuck cleaning her room all the time and if it was too clean there. My daughter made a face and looked back at me and said, "clean? not really." My ex was totally surprised.

When I do clean I have her help me and we are still spending time together. Also, when she's in bed I will clean some then.

You are doing awesome!

It is very tuff to have time to play with your kids and be an adult when you do it alone. I was a single mom of 1 great little girl for 8 yrs. I went to school full time and worked a full time job. I made it a point to take 1 day to be just me and her together doing something fun. We would go to the mall and grab a pretzel and then a movie. I would take her to the park or to the local lake and let her feed the ducks. During the week or when I had to work and go to school I made sure I was the one feeding her supper and putting her to bed and when she got older, help her with her homework. Every night from the day she was born I would read a night time story to her. She is a very avid reader now. It is litle things that kids remember. She is now 14 and I have 3 other kids and married. My husband is in the army so it is like I am a single mom but I dont have to work. My daughter tells me all the time....remember when. It is the little things she remembers. Like going to the park, playing in the mud, blowing bubbles and the night time stories. Never once has she said....mom your house was really messy when I was little. I did have it easier keeping it clean because I only had 1 and you have 2. But trust me....leave the dishes go and read a book with them. I look at it this way even now....It will be there when I am gone and they wont remember wether they were clean or dirty and neither will the kids.

Hey S.,
I am also a working mom, who juggles church, work, my house, my new husband, and my kids....so I know how you feel when you want to spend more time with your family, and not on everything else. How old is your girls?? If they are old enough, they can help you with little things around the house. Naturally not the big things that are impossible for them to do, but the small things that they can handle themselves. I don't have any girls, but I do have two wonderful boys, who I am now teaching to clean their rooms, pick up their dirty clothes and put them in their own laundry baskets, and of course when they get full, to put their baskets in the laundry room. Just little things, not overwhelming things. But if they are too young, then maybe you can touch up the house when you lay them down for bed, or if you get home before them, or whatever, then you can touch up the house then. I hope that somehow this helps you, and maybe we can talk more.
M.

I hired a housekeeper once a week. Although I am happily married, my husband is gone quite a bit. So I am raising 3 small children and working full time. The housekeeper works out wonderful!

Hi! I too am a single mom of a beautiful 5 yo daughter. I wor full-time as well. It can be difficult and overwheklming at times to have to take care of everyone & everything. You need to remember that the housework will wait. i usually pick the most obvious thing that needs to be done and leave the rest for another day. For example, If I need to do laundry, dust & vacuum, I'll start a load of clothes and do one of the other things. It doesn't have to be spotless, esp if quality time is what you want. The most important thing to know is that it is perfectly okay to take some "you" time to keep your sanity. You spend a lot of time with the kids, but do not feel guilty about taking an evening to go out with friends and be a grown-up. I am a firm believer that a healthy you is just as important as anything else you have to do.That doesn't, of course, mean that you need to go out every Sat night, but you should allow yourself a "mommy moment" when you can. Hang in there! you are sooo not alone on this journey and this is a great place to find support! The best to you and God bless!

I am not single but may have some suggestions. I would keep doing what you are doing, spending time with the girls. When you have some time to clean, do spot cleaning once a week and then once a month do a thorough clean. You can keep the bathroom clean in under 10 mins. spray the toilet bowl cleaner in the bowl. Take the Clorox clean up wipes and wipe down the toilet outside, seat, all around. then since the cleaner has sat in the toilet for a minute, take the brush and scrub and flush. Use a Clorox wipe to wipe down the sink, faucet, and counter. Or, just put some comet, soft scrub, etc and wipe it out quickly. Rinse the tub well after each bath and then once or twice a month you can Comet it out. As you rinse the dishes each morning, quickly set them in the dishwasher, it can run while you are at work. While dinner is cooking, unload it. Vacuum once a week and run it into the kitchen as well instead of sweeping. Mop once a month if you can. Put a load of laundry in when you leave for work or at night when you are eating dinner. When you are putting the girls to bed you can put it in the dryer. When it is done, sit and fold while watching tv, or save the folding until the next night. Don't worry about dusting but once a month, or just run a swiffer over things at night after the girl's are in bed or once on the weekends. You can do that very quickly too. You can also ask your girls for help. My kids love the swiffer, your oldest can run it across table top surfaces. Lastly, there are college kids, young kids, or older retired women who clean houses for cheap. You might be able to afford a once a month cleaning for $40. I know a college girl who does it for a friend for $30/month. That would be enough to keep it ahead so you can not worry so much about it. When your girls are playing, you can be in the same room as them cleaning. While they are eating dessert or finishing up with dinner, you can do dishes. Pick up your pace, don't worry about perfection, and do only what is important....clean germy things like the bath and kitchen and let the rest slide. For Christmas, ask your parents for a house cleaning! :o)

Keep up the good work, you are doing what is most important in your life.

W.

Hi S.,
I am also a divorced, single mom, but my "children" (all girls) are 24 y.o. twins and a 15 y.o. now. First, let me ease your mind and tell you there no such thing as getting it all done. Sometimes, the dishes don't get washed, the laundry doesn't get done and the house may be a wreck. Prioritize as best you can. I would also suggest networking with other single parents. It helped me tremendously. I was even able to have some "me" time. Most of all, don't stress about it. Even married couples don't get it "all" done. Lastly, enjoy your children. They do grow up fast!!!

Not a single mom, but just wanted to tell you, YOU ROCK! Keep up the good work, I can't imagine it. One of my aunts told me at a baby shower the best advice ever. Ten years from now what do you want your kids to remember... You taking them to the park, reading books, going to a parade, or that the dishes were always clean? It almost made me cry, but it's so true!

May God bless you, your children, and your children's children. ;)

Please, when you find out, let me know!