How to Best Deal with Competitive or Bragging Parents?

Along similar lines as Stephanie H's post, I enjoyed this topic on the radio the other day. If nothing else, it could be a good conversation starter and/or subject changer:

http://www.kqed.org/epArchive/R909041000

It is dangerous to label kids as "gifted", yet as parents we automatically jump to how bright or smart our kids are naturally and innocently. They may catch on quickly and take to learning new skills, however there will come a time when it will get more challenging and depending on how easy things came to your child before and they didn't really have to "try", how you praise your kids NOW as young children will come in to play then, when it matters! If you gloat and praise just the outcome of something or how "smart" they appear you potentially set them up to not strive to be better or to know that it takes practice and continuously doing something to master it. If they try something and fail, they are no longer "smart", so they stay in their comfort zone. If you praise the effort that went into something they know that if they try really hard that is what gets them the results. Always praise and acknowlege the effort not so much the outcome. We mainly learn from our mistakes and grow from them. This way they continually challenge themselves and take on new things.

There is an awesome book by psychologist Carol Dweck "Mindsets" that talks about the 2 different aspects- fixed and growth - very powerful for parents and teachers to understand and it goes over praise and how you set them up for the 2.

I would be cordial and polite when you hear a comment from another mother regarding their above and beyond child and maybe say something to the affect of - "yeah aren't they all at this age, they are learning and applying new skills everyday - it's amazing", help bring them back down to earth and realize we are all human.

Try not to get annoyed by it, rather use it in your own parenting with your children and stress that practice makes for better results - hello? even Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods stress the importance of practice and failure to get where they are today.

What an interesting question...thanks for posting it. I generally agree with all the other moms that kids just develop differently and have talents for different things. I think what most people don't realize is that what they are talking about when they say their child is smart because they can "count to 1000 or do some math or read full books etc" is EXPOSURE not intelligence. Any child (in the age range we are talking about) with normal range IQ can learn to do those things given enough exposure and interest. It's not like the child is learning this stuff on their own...which is often what truly "gifted" children do. I take "bragging" comments as information about what is valued and focused on in their family. It has nothing to do with what I value and spend time focusing on with my children.

And lets not forget that ALL of us parents have insecurities about our parenting and those bragging comments are a way for people to reassure themselves that they are doing a good job. We all have ways that we do this, its just that their way is different than yours. I will sometimes just let the comment pass, but sometimes I will try to calm the underlying insecurity and say something like "Wow, its great that you guys take the time to really nurture her/his talents".

Greetings P.: I have 5 children, several grandchildren and have raised several foster children. I say this just so you will know where I am coming from.
When someone starts the "bragging rights" stories, I will listen for a few minuets because it really might be wonderful news that the child accomplished something. ( Some parents- just don't know what else to talk about and I take that into consideration). If that is the case, then you start a topic that you can both talk about and be comfortable with. It is always about being kind and taking a teaching moments with another person. Now if that doesn't work...
Then I start by sharing what my disabled child has overcome to be where he is today, talk about the many blessings, I have seen in my foster children's lives, and how I just recieved a new birth announcement from one of them. I can say which Grandchild would you like to hear about? What would you like to know about what my children ( all adults) & what they are up to? That stops the competition and changes the subject. ha ha I believe I have the greatest people that I get to love and appreciate as family & efforts to be good hard working people.
What it does is makes us have to conceed that just because you are amazed by the things that your child, can do --other parents are just as amazed by their childs, accomplishments.
I have a friend that has adopted several children that are all disabled, she is 60 plus years old. When she talks about her little ones we are all grateful for the simple and the great things that they can do. That kind of bragging is just fine unless one is uncomfortable with disabilities.
***If it really bothers you, then don't let them get started.**
This will always be a problem. Many young parents feel that they have to prove thier self worth, self esteem, and accomplishments through their children, and some are just amzed that thier child can do these things so fast. Those same parents may not have gotten it that if the child is in day care for 12 hours a day they are learning from and with the care provider and that person deserves the credit. That is always a conversation stopper!!! Every child is worht while and important just because they are here. Every child has a different talent and gift- some might bring peace to s troubled heart with a smile, another can leap tall buildings with a single bound, others may be able to talk in sentences at an early age-- each is important and valuable. When poeple would ignore our one child, or treat the foster children as temporary we just explained that that person was as diabled as they but in a different way or we made sue that our childwas not in hearing of the conversation by telling the person-- can we discuss this later???
Good Luck, Nana G

Thank you for your post. It is often hard not to compare or be affected by what others say. When children are young, as a parent we can only hope that we are doing what's best for them and they will turn out wonderfully under our guidance.

With that said, I know every parent would like their child to be gifted. It's sometimes stressful to know your child is not exceeding the norm. I cannot say I am unaffected by all that I see around me and having struggled myself at times, I can only hope my children don't struggle in the same realms.

What I can say is that hardships, whether it be struggling to come from behind, health issues, inconfidence, clumsiness, etc. hamper your sense of well being. However, it is really overcoming those things that give you a sense of pride and make you a better person for it. In my eyes, for anyone whom life is too easy, they may be brilliant, but without hardships, they don't really understand more than just what it is to learn. There's something to be said about having to earn something.

My oldest who never learned to talk until nearly 3 is now the most social creatures I have ever met. It's a gift really, something I never possessed. He is doing well in school for the most part but not "gifted" in the sense that he is exceptionally smart or brilliant. His talents lie in other areas than simply Writing or Math. Those subjects he can sometimes struggle with but his out of the box thinking can bring out surprises I never thought about. He may not be an author but who knows, with the struggles he has, he may surprise me. It's great to know a lot at the beginning of life, but isn't it what it all turns out to be that makes the difference? He does not regurgitate facts but is a passionate one, filled with ideas. If things continue to go in this direction, perhaps he won't be a worker to a project but an innovator of some sort.

It sounds like other Moms you are talking to at this time have young children around the same age as yours. I used to feel less than adequate when my son wasn't talking, wasn't able to sit still, unable to write neatly, etc. Eventually getting to meet other Moms whose children were older and/or similiar to mine, got me to not feel so self conscious about him. It's hard not to feel jealous or inadequate. I've learned that if a parent doesn't understand your plight, they don't really have much to offer in terms of helping you with your issues. Try your best to seek out those who do understand and you'll not only feel more comfortable but will find some friends that can be lifelong friends to grow with. They may be hiding in the most inconspicious places, but it is always nice to have a friend to confide in and help you through like issues. Likewise, try to see things in a different light from others that are so very proud of their children's accomplishments. Sometimes things they did or helped with made their child excel. Ask them how they got their child to get where they were. Those tips are often golden when it comes to learning as a parent.

An example is my oldest didn't learn to read until age 5, just before Kindergarten. I taught him phonetically without a system. My youngest read by age 3 but I had used Hooked on Phonics so it was an easier process.

All in all, I try not to let this precious time go by. Homework and learning is important and I intend to help my children learn all they can. I'm glad others excel where mine lack. It would be great if mine were exceptional but in reality, it's all the differences we have that make us special in the big, wide world we live in. I wish you all the best and hope you enjoy this wonderful time as a parent. Try not to let others get you down. You have 2 precious girls to be ever so proud of. :)

I just wanted to say that I really liked your post. The kind of thing that makes you go Hmmmm. Things I never thought of before...

Thanks
J.

Just wanted to add my two cents as a mother and a teacher. Every child is smart. Every human is smart. The particular ways in which each person is smart are different person to person. For me to see my daughter or my brother or myself as smart is not to therefore assume that other people are not. I believe our job as parents/teachers/caretakers is to get to know in what ways our kids are smart and to help them see these ways and then build upon them to expand themselves.

This is not to say that you haven't interacted with really obnoxious people. I'm sure you have. And there's always room for us all to be more considerate of the effects our comments might have on those around us.

I encourage you to think about the ways in which your children are not average. And to help them to see and be proud of those particular qualities.

Best wishes!

I'm with you. I just smile and say, "That's wonderful!" and ignore it.

Of course all of our children excel in some areas. And I tell mine every day how proud they make me. And occasionally I will anectdotally share something I find remarkable with a friend, like if they use some advanced vocabulary word in the correct context. Or I'll brag on their achievements to family when we get together. But the constant need for one-upmanship by some moms does get to be a bit much.

I don't think it would do any good to let these moms know that it bothers you. Just keep letting it roll by.

Cheers,
L.

You've received lots of advice, some of which seems really great. I can tell you that what I do (especially if I'm a little annoyed at the parent), is smile, and say very enthusiastically (and sarcastically, if they are able to detect this -- which admittedly some parents are not!), "Wow, sure to get into Harvard next year!" Most people find this funny, but also stop bragging about their child. If done without (much) malice, most people get the point without getting offended. Good luck with it. I find it funny to tell my husband these stories later, too. Mocking these parents with my husband is a harmless and good outlet for my feelings.

I hear ya girl. Mom's can be so ubercompetitive and obnoxious for sure- I noticed in my mom's group right off the bat the women would announce "I got pregnant 1st try" as I looked at my friend look deflated- who had gone through yrs. of fertility treatments to finally have her precious baby. Then it turns into "my baby crawled 1st/walked 1st/is talking/reading"... I say pay it no mind! If there's something you feel inadequate about then of course it will impact you but I definitely don't think that's their intent! I think it's more of a clueless bragging self-righteous type of personality. As for that mom's/nanny's response on this list- OY! Definitely some mom's attach every single achievement their child does, to their amazing ability as a (better) mom. I have 4 kids- all very different- progress at different levels- we as moms in general can actually not take the credit- much of it is just different genetic makeup. Keep in mind, some of my friends' babies who walked 1st, at 9 or 10 mos. etc.- can't at 5 and 7 play soccer like mine can (late walkers). My child that spoke very very late (started at 3) is on his way to being bilingual at 7. My friend's kid at 3 who was a very good reader is smart for sure, but mine who read late is absolutely fine. Yes, there are some amazing, talented, gifted kids and any mom should actually be very humbled by that and know that if they themselves had any part in it, that's wonderful but NOT THE POINT- it's not about the mom, it's about the kid. Alot of this stuff happens randomly and remember AVERAGE is very desirable and sought after for those families that have a child who is less than overall or in certain areas. Peace.

HI, P.,
I hear these things, too, but you just have to not let it get to you. i mean, if they want to brag, let them. They are proud parents. You should feel proud of your children and what they can do and who they are becoming. Other people bragging about their kids should not make you feel bad. If you think about how your kids are special in some way, maybe it won't make you feel so bad. My son started speaking when he was nearly 3. Most other moms that I knew had "brilliant" kids who started talking in paragraphs by 1 (or so they bragged to me). It really didn't bother me. I knew my son would eventually communicate and I was not feeling any sort of competition. Now, he is 4.5 and has pretty much surpassed most of the kids his age when it comes to his ability to express his ideas. So, all kids are different and you should be proud of yours. Don't let other proud parents make you feel insecure. Sure, it is not the most tactful of them to brag, but you are responsible for your own feelings of inadequacy and when you realize that your girls are wonderful as they are, I think you will feel less angst when in the company of those braggarts.

I feel the same way that you do, however, when everyone on Mamasource writes that they have such great husbands. I often wonder, am I the ONLY person in the world with a horrible husband or do people just not post these things? :-)
I am sure some people DO have great husbands, but I wonder how many are just saying they do, because everyone else says so.

anyway, best of luck to you! Be a proud parent! Your kids are not average! They are very unique and special! Enjoy!

Go for the non-commital, non-encouraging, 'Hmm... that's wonderful to hear. What have you been reading lately?'

Ha, ha, ha, you make me laugh! I am with you on this! Sooo annoyed at other parents who brag their Kindergartneners can count to huge numbers, reading since age 3, you name it.

My 5 year old kid is average. I am pretty sure my 2 year old is average too.

I am a teacher and used to be the gifted and talented advisor at my school. If indeed, these parents have gifted kids, we need to feel sorry for the parents. Parenting a gifted child is very challenging. I would much rather parent the loving, cute, not-overly-bright average kids I have.

So, I usually add a bit in about parenting a gifted child is hard, hope they get support, good luck, that kind of thing. Make them think about what they are saying and hopefully not brag so much? Don't know if it works.

H.

YES!!! If I were in SJ, CA I would look you up so we could hang out.
Our delightfully "average" children could play while we talk about something interesting going on in our own lives rather than living vicariously through our children. : )

if the other parents say that around your daughter, than its not cool and you can advise them to keep their comments to themselves because it might make other children insecure.

Great post.
Makes me think of two things: first, that we live in a really competitive part of the world and I think some parents just get into that mindset of constantly comparing and striving to one-up the next person. I'm with you-- it's really tiresome to listen to!
The other point that came to mind was something my mother told me when I was young. I was complaining about classmates doing better than me, even though I was trying my hardest. She said "There's always going to be someone smarter than you." At the time it was hard to hear, though I believe she is right. But now I understand that if we constantly compare ourselves to others and never look within (something we have to teach our children), we'll never discover our real dreams and what makes us truly unique.