How to Break a Death of a Close Family Member to My Daughter

First of all how old is your daughter? Breaking tragic news is never easy to do at any age. Sit her down, and get her comfortable to prepare her for the news. Depending on your religious views, I found in my life the easiest way to tell a child something like this is to use god to announce it to them. When my first son passed away I had to break it to my sister who was only 4 years old at the time. I told her that God came and took her nephew cause he needed more angels to watch over loved ones and make sure we were safe, and that god was going to take really good care of him and keep him happy and safe up in heaven. When she started to cry I gave her loving arms to hold her and told her that it was okay to cry and miss him, and then sat and made a memory photo album that was all hers for her to see him all the time, she is 18 years old now and still carried that album with her everwhere. I hope this helps some, I am so sorry to hear about your loss, and I hope that you find the right way to tell your precious little girl what happened. With deepest respect and appreciation, from our family to yours you are in our thoughts during this tragic time in life.

Regardless of age I can tell you how to NOT break it to your daughter.

DO NOT tell her that the person is sleeping... unless you don't want her to take a nap ever again or have REALLY bad struggles with bed time.

DO NOT tell her that the person just moved away... unless you want to invoke some emotional backlash about why they didn't say goodbye and freak out over other close friends and relatives just moving or disappearing.

Nicole -- please post again and let us know your daughter's age. The answer can be different depending on that. Thank you and I'm sorry for your family's loss.

This is not exactly what you were asking, but I thought it might help. My MIL died 5 years ago when my kids were 5 and 3. A friend of hers bought all the grandchildren in the family a book about death and heaven by Maria Shriver. I think it's called "What Is Heaven" or something like that. It's a great book for little ones during a difficult time like this. Definitely on their level...I'm sorry for your loss...

There is no easy way- but sit her down and let her know what happened. Explain what happened so she will be able to understand it at her age level and be prepared to answer any questions she might have. If she asks you questions you feel you cannot answer at this time or don't know the answer- be honest with her. And just hug and cry with your daughter. If she is up for it, share some good memories that you have together with your loved one.
I am so sorry for your loss. Just be near her.
God bless!
~C.

Hi Nicole-

It really depends on how old your daughter is. But no matter what, you need to reassure her that you and her other family, (brother, sister, father, grandparents, etc), are healthy and okay.

If this is her first experience with death, she will have a lot of questions, and depending on how old she is, she may not understand death is for ever. Be aware you may need to explain this to her several time before she "gets" it.

The key is to be honest. "Mary died yesterday, and that means she will not come and play anymore...." Don't say that the persons has gone on a trip, or similar. This only confuses the issue and doesn't allow the child to grieve.

Let her draw your family memeber a picture or write a letter. These help greatly.

I am very sorry for your loss and I hope things get better soon.

R. Magby

I had to tell my five year old that we won't be able to see Nana anymore, that her medicine stopped working and she got really sick and went to heaven. It was THE hardest thing I've ever done! She likes having an angel bear (my sister made them for my girls), pictures, and knowing that she can talk to her anytime she wants and that nana is her special angel watching over her everyday. I let them see me when I'm upset and explain everything as honestly as I can.

I'm sorry.
This is a tough time for you, and now you have to tell your daughter some very sad news as well.
I think you need to tell her today. When she comes home from school, sit her down and explain to her what happened. Death is a part of life, and it's something that unfortunately she will have to learn to deal with.
I am not of the belief system that we should in any way lie to kids about death. I agree with the poster below that said not to tell your child that they are sleeping or moved away. Don't avoid the situation either by not allowing your child to grieve or go to the wake. I have an aunt who would never let her children go to funerals or calling hours, even as teenagers. This resulting in her having grown adult children who still can't deal with death.
I am sorry for your loss. Please update later and let us know how it went.
(((Big hugs)))

I am so sorry for your loss.
YOur other posts say she is 12.
Tell her the truth. Sit her down and say honey we have some really sad news, Grandpa has died. He had cancer or whatever, it is then you can go into how and what happened.
She is old enugh to handle it.
Also if she was close please take her to the funeral. It might be hard on you and your hubby but she will not forget that you all got to say good bye and she had to stay home with a babysitter. I was 11 when my Grandpa died and it still hurts that M. and dad got a sitter for us, we were considered too young.
Funerals are aprt of life and 12 year olds are old enough to handle them.

Hi Nicole,

From your daughter's post a few weeks ago about allowance, I have the impression that she is a thoughtful, responsible young lady. With that in mind, pick a calm time and have a calm, open discussion with her about what happened. Nota Bena: do not do this before school.

Explain what happened (how the person died), you don't have to go into detail, either accident or illness. If you have religious beliefs please lean on those to explain the spiritual process of what happens when a person dies.

We have lost many people in my family since my son was born, the earliest being my Father and Uncle when he was 3, the latest our close friend's Father this summer. When he was 3 I simply explained the Papas went to heaven. As he got older he attended the services.

Death is a part of living, and though devastating to those left behind, it is important to teach our children how to mourn and honor those who have died. In the coming days reminiscence with your daughter about this relative, trade funny stories, pull out photos. If there is a service nearby ask her if she wants to go. Take it at her pace, especially if this the first time she has experienced the death of someone close to her.

God Bless.

Gently and honestly, and say "died" rather than "passed away, left us, went to a better place, etc..." abstractions, are more confusing than comforting to a child her age. Comfort her, hug her, let her cry - go through the process with her . Don't suggest that there was some upside to this. Ask her what she thinks happens when people die - offer your beliefs if she doesn't know, and then give her time to figure things out for herself. Always be available to talk and ask her if she wants to once in awhile -don't give her the idea that death is a taboo sujbect. Get her involved in the memorial/funeral - let her help with some project, such as putting together a photo collage, select music, or do a reading of some sort. Project your confidence that her sadness will get better with time, but she will always miss the family member. Figure out what you can do to remember/honor the family member on a special day (her birthday?) so that there is something positive to anticipate related to the family member (e.g., going to her favorite restaurant, doing an activity associated with her). So sorry for your loss, and best of luck to you.