How to Compromise a Nightime Feeding Schedule with Dad

I feel for you! the first couple weeks are the hardest. and you need to recoup from giving birth. I am sorry that your babies father doesnt understand this. does he reliese that beign a SAHM is a full time job. is he doing the chores around the house? I am guessing no. so you have the baby and the household chores. explain to him that when he comes home from work he gets to unwind and relax, When do you get that? I understand how emotional it can be for the first month post partum. I suffer from a mood disorder so it was a little more emotional for me than normal. the second night we had our son home i burst into tears and told my hubby I couldnt handle it and he took over all the night feedings. he said I did all the ones during the day, and yes he had to work during the day but he got home at 4 and had the whole evening to unwind and relax and that I at least deserved a good nights sleep. you could try getting some sleep during the day when the baby naps, but that only works some of the time. my son only napped if he was being held. I also dont understand why he is bringing his mother into this. this should be between you two. have you sat down with him and explained that you need him to be more supportive. maybe he is hearing something different from what you are saying. I am not telling you to communicate because you said you are but I am asking you to keep in mind that men communicate things differently then women. you are both stressed out so you both may be hearing things differently then the other means them. you may tell him that you need him to help out more and he may hear that you dont think he is doing a good job in his household role and that will make him defensive and then you will get defensive. is it possiable that someone could watch the baby for you for a night so the two of you can have some alone time? and some much needed slep

Hi Alice,

So sorry to hear you are going through this. Taking care of a newborn with the help of a supportive partner is hard enough let alone doing it with one who is not supportive. You can't force your fiance to be more involved. He has to want to be that way. All you can do it continue to express to him that you need his help. Although you stay home, it is a lot of work to take care of a newborn. If he still will not bend, then do you have any relatives or close friends you can reach out to? Maybe someone can come for a few hours so you can catch up on some sleep. The good news is this period doesn't last too long. Eventually the baby will get much quicker with nursing, and she'll be able to go longer in between feeds. Hang in there!

Congrats on the new baby!! Yes, the emotion and stress is totally normal so don't sweat it. Also, I want to remind you that as difficult as this stage is, it doesn't last forever. You will get to sleep again (eventually :-)).

Every family is different in how they handle those feedings but here is what we did. With my first, I was working full-time so dad and I took shifts - he went to bed early and I took any feeding up to midnight (I'd try to go to bed anyway to get some sleep). After midnight he took any feedings and I'd sleep a little later in the morning. It gave us both some unbroken sleep. Maybe you could get him to do shiftwork on the weekends?

With my 2nd I was a SAHM and was nursing exclusively at first so I put her in the basinet next to me and when she woke up to nurse I popped her in bed next to me and she'd nurse back to sleep while I dozed. When I'd wake back up and see she was asleep I'd put her back in her bassinet. I know that there are some very passionate views about having baby in bed and all that (I always swore I wouldn't) but it worked very well for us and my daughter is now a very healthy and adjusted 3 1/2 year old who sleeps in her own bed.

I have a friend with a new baby (who is a SAHM) and she and her husband both take two nights on, two nights off allowing them both to rest.

Anyway, if you can't get him to help you out at night, maybe you can get some extra help in the evening and you can go to bed early or something? I guess what I'm trying to say is if he's not going to budge on the night feedings, maybe he'll help somewhere else. Don't try to force something right now when you ARE both so tired and emotional. Oh, and don't be afraid to let some other things go in your life (like cooking and housekeeping - enlist some friends if necessary) and focus on that baby and taking care of yourself!

Good luck!!!

He absolutely should do at least half of the night time feedings. Your daytime job is childcare. His is whatever he does outside of the house. Now is probably the time to discuss it (since you didn't before getting pregnant :)) if you want a 50:50 partner. However, I would talk to your doctor about when you can stop waking the baby if she is not hungry enough to wake on her own. What would DH/DP be expecting if you were going back to work in 6 weeks?
Good luck
D.

Honestly, if he has to get up in the morning to go to work (and bring home $$$) then let him sleep. Here's what I learned from my husband... when the baby was born he went into an immediate panic- about having enough $$$ for our baby to have everything in the world. Suddenly he was worried about job performance and security in a way he hadn't worried about before. He pushed himself 100% at work so that he would be indispensable to the company. It's their version of "nesting". Don't minimize it. It will calm down a little after he becomes comfortable in his new roles.

For reference, during the time that I was home on maternity leave, I got up with the baby to feed him. As he got older, his sleep pattern changed and he would sleep for longer periods of time. You're a week into it and it has hardly been a "normal" week! Give it some time- you'll get into a routine.

After I went back to work (DS was 13 weeks old), we rotated nights so that only one of us was sleep-deprived at any given point. Honestly, if you're not working then you need to be the one up and feeding on most nights... SAHM is a job and in this case you need to be doing it!

You're stressed, tired and hormonal and so is he. Cut eachother some slack and ask him if he can help with some "home chores" so that you can sleep when the baby sleeps. Can he throw in a load of laundry on his was in/out the door... can he put the dinner casserole in the oven and set the timer when he gets home....

Ahhhh welcome to motherhood.... blissful isn't it?

Ok - this will pass. take a deep breath and think outside the box.

Night feedings are tough for everyone (him included). I won't reiterate all the stuff other mamas said below about the relationship, dads having a hard time bonding with newborn etc - it's ALL TRUE! And breastfeeding is really really really really hard - just hold on if you can and if you can't then don't beat yourself up.

So, if you are going to be doing the overnight feedings and you need some support and you aren't getting it from your fiance..... get it from somewhere else - and maybe your break comes in the day so you are refreshed from the night feedings. Is there anyone who could come over for 4 hours every day or every other day during the day who could feed her the bottle from when you pumped so you could get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep?

Depending on your financial situation - you could even go on sitter city and find someone in your area who has experience with newborns. you'll be at the house so they can always get you if something crazy comes up.

As far as fighting in front of your baby, don't beat yourself up. You are going to do PLENTY of things you said you would never do and that doesn't make you a bad mom. It makes you a human mom. And your baby needs to learn conflict managment (ok a newborn is too young for that) but if nothing else, just remember they don't really remember anything until they are 2. So, just fix it by then!!!!!!!!!

Keep your sense of humor, if you can and let your fiance PICK what he wants to help with. If there is even one little thing that he wants to do, then let that be his thing. Guys are usually better about doing something if it hasn't been 'assigned' to them!

Good Luck!
B.

ok really, did you marry my ex husband??? seriously? mine did the EXACT same thing. he wouldn't get up at night to feed my daughter, change her, whatever she needed so a few nights after she was born i proped myself up just right on the couch, held her so that she could just turn her head to eat and i didn't wake up....worked like a charm...we "agreed" one week would be his up all nighter's the next week would be mine.........that lasted a day....MY NIGHT

something i told my ex husband and followed through with, is i told him you have 2 days to start incorporating help or i'm calling over MY help and you have no say so....he didn't seem to care, so i called over WHOM EVER WHEN EVER called my mom one night (whom hated him) at 3 am because i'd been up with baby ALL NIGHT and day trying to figure out why she was crying (couldnt') mom came over, went and bought a (seriously) mega phone, went straight to the bed room, and screamed into the mega phone to wake him, took my daughter from me, put me to bed and got him doing his part....i had tried to wake him myself, but he would literally open his eyes and tell me to take care of her and fall right back to sleep REALLY?!

The first few weeks are really hard on the relationship between mom and dad. The first year is hard. With our first child, hubby and I had a really rough time of it, and we had been happily married for 7 years. Expect a lot of strain on your relationship since neither of you will be getting much sleep.

My husband never helped with nighttime feedings. I wanted him to sleep so he could function at work. With that said, during peak fussy stages (4-12 weeks), he would walk and rock while I slept in-between feedings until 1 am, and then he would go to bed.

The most important thing is for you both to communicate your needs and wants and then decide upon a compromise you both can live with. It won't be easy, but newborns are never easy. It also sounds like you are both young, so it's going to be even harder.

You will be jealous of him getting sleep. It's hard, but remember this: they are only babies for a short period of time. You WILL MISS IT. Cherish every middle of the night breastfeeding. I know, I know, what is this crazy woman talking about?!?! Well, I am ready to wean my second and last child, and the thought of never doing middle of the night feedings makes me close to bursting into tears. Trust me. It is a magical thing, if you let it be.

Your hormones will start to settle down in a few days/week. Expect lots of crazy ups and downs. Just make sure you sleep whenever baby is sleeping. Drinks tons of water and eat well.

You both are tired!!!!!! You both need to help eachother. I don't know you situation but with all three of my kids I had to go back to work. I used formula exclusively so breastfeeding wasn't an issue and anyone could help out. If you are intending to be a SAHM then fortunately/unfortunately you do bear the bigger responsibility to get up with the baby more frequently because your fiance is the breadwinner . However, that does not absolve husband/partner of their responsibility to pitch in so you can have a break....If you are going back to work then he should be pitching in equally!!!!!!. You just had a baby and need time to recover too!!!! Women should not be martyrs to do it all. Father's do bear equal responsibility.

If you are SAHM then try to get help, friend, grandma, auntie etc...Otherwise, work with your fiance to create a schedule where he can help a few nights while you get some sleep. One night on/one night off etc... Or try this....My hubby would take the first shift from 9-2 and then if the baby was up by 2 I took over for the duration of the time so he could get 6 hours sleep until 8 when he'd get up for work. I would be in bed by 9 so I'd have 6 hours sleep etc...Glad that you are pumping so you can get help.

You go to bed right after the evening feeding and dad can take the next one-- usually around 10:00 or 11:00 pm. That should give you a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

If he refuses to do that then let him take the evening feeding around 7 or 8 and you go to bed when he gets home from work.

My husband would give me all of Friday night to sleep since he could sleep in on Saturday. Eventually that led to him taking over the middle of the night feedings by choice. He found that he really enjoyed that special time during the night.

Try not to lose heart. This is a temporary stage. You will sleep again even if it doesn't feel like it. Having a new baby is such a stressful time, but dad needs to do his part to help you get through this.

If you can get her on a three hour feeding schedule during the day, she'll start to sleep longer at night. I want to discourage you from co-sleeping with your baby because of SIDS.

BTW: My husband and I did sleep apart the first few months so I would get uninterrupted sleep when he would take the night feedings.

HI, girl,

I am in the same boat as you. My baby was born in October. I sadly had to get him onto formula, due to apendicitis 3 weeks after birth and so daddy was forced to feed the baby or he would starve, since I had 3 days in the hospital and babies don't belong there.
I know it very very hard. And eventhough you try to mentally prepare, it feel like an avalanche coming at you. Things like these you should have discussed during pregnancy, but then still things never come as expected.
However, you probably decided to have this little cutie together. Daddies are not as much connected to the baby, since they don't carry them for 9 months and feel them move. Fatherhood needs to grow on them. I am the one working now and he's a SAHD and now does a great job. Include him into feeds during the day as well, so he can hold baby. You do need to sit down, but he needs to understand, being postpartum feels CRAZY. My hubby had a hard time too, even when he tried to be considerate. Sit down and talk. Maybe you can rotate, so you both get some rest. Breastmilk gets digested within 1.5 hrs, formula bout 3/4 hrs. The first 3 months are thoughest. Try to supplement with formula, try a gentle one and have him feed those bottles. Fatherhood will grow on him, have patience, but make your point clear without fighting.

Babies on formula do fine. Give you life and relationship some help.
If the baby is on formula the father can feed her at night. You need time for
him. l and 1l2 hours to feed is much, much to long.
The baby will be fine in another room. Don't destroy your relationship with
the father. Since you aren't married this is even more difficult.
What is best for baby is that you and the father have a good relationship.
Again formula babies do fine and babies with happy parents do the very
best.

I know that this is so hard on you. I remember feeling the same way -- so tired. Try to nap during the day with your baby. Use every opportunity to rest -- don't worry about the house or chores. What helped me the most was laying down on my side while I breast fed my baby. Laying on a clean blanket over the carpet or laying on the couch worked the best for us because it wasn't as soft as the bed and my baby was in a good position to nurse. This will pass -- and once it does you will feel so much better.

From what you described, he should definately be willing to do a night feeding so you can get some rest. Without rest, how are you supposed to take care of the baby ALL day and ALL night, ALL the time?

To me, SAHM means that your child and your home are your "job" during his normal working hours. After that, you are both equal parents and should share the duties. Yes he does need sleep because he has a set time he has to be to work.

I suggest that after dinner, you have him take care of baby so you can go to bed early and get some rest. Let him handle the last few feedings of the night so you will have at least rested before baby wakes up in the middle of the night. Then he can get up with the first feeding of the morning, get ready for work and hand the torch back to you.

Also, since it is such a long process in the middle of the night, could you not breastfeed but bottle feed when you do get up so you are done sooner and both you and the baby can go back to sleep sooner?

Not to be too harsh, but if is he is currently only your fiance, I would reconsider marrying a man who is unsupportive and still complains to Mommy about his troubles with his wife to be as opposed to discussing with you like an adult.
You are doing great taking care of your baby, but it is nearly impossible to do alone. Get some help so you can survive the first 3 months....nap when the baby naps during the day, forget about housework for now.

For me, my husband did the bottle feeds at all times, while I pumped. Through the night, even when he was working - he is wonderful and realizes that it takes two to raise a child. He also helped me nurse as in the beginning, we had to hold my DD's hands out of the way or she wouldn't do it! I also had to wake my daughter at night until she regained birth weight...after that you should be able to stop as long as the jaundice is gone. Slowly wean from the bottles (instead of giving a bottle, nurse that feeding - as long as she is gaining and having 6-8 wet diapers a day plus poops she is getting enough) and that will get you to a point where you no longer have to pump. We started at 2 bottles a day, went to 4 bottles and slowly decreased back to NO bottles. Then NO pumping. Which was AWESOME. You can do it!! Good luck

when I was on maternity leave, my husband would take all the nighttime feedings on Friday and Saturday so I could get two full nights sleep a week.

I think every baby needs to be fed about 2-3 hours at that age, I know mine did and she was full term. She would NOT breastfeed, though, so I went to formula. The pumping was giving me PPD, and I coudlnt handle it, so I went to formula. Bless you for keeping up with the pumping. Perhaps you could hook up with your local La Leche League or a lactation consultant and get her better at breastfeeding, if possible, so you can give up the pumping?

My husband is an extremely light sleeper, so for the first month, whoever was doing the night feeding slept on the couch with the baby in a bassinet, after that we moved her to her own room and we both moved back into our room.

You are exhausted. You just gave birth. Your body is trying to accomidate its new state. Your Fiance is also having emotions (freaked out) and is also exhausted.. It is different, but it is there..

Do not be hard on him or yourself. You are now caring for a completely helpless human!

You sound just like me and our daughter when she was born.. She was 3 weeks early and very weak at first.. she had a very hard time breast feeding, . took her home, it took hour and a half... to breast feed her each time.. She became lethargic, diagnosed with Jaundice was given a bottle and GULPED it down! was sent to the NICU for a week. I was devastated. But seeing her drink that bottle made me realize, she was starving! I pumped and pumped for her.gave all of the milk to NICU for her..Did the same when she came home.. . This allowed anybody to feed her while I slept.

I could not keep up with her needs, so I started giving her bottles.. she did great and so did I . It was not what I planned, but it was what she needed and I was willing to do whatever it would take to keep her healthy. I pumped for as long as I could..

When I went back to work, I had to go on a big business trip for almost 2 weeks.No way to pump, so we were done.. She thrived and is a very healthy intelligent young woman now.. As moms, we want what is best fr our children, but we are not always able to do it the first way we planned, so we move on.. Do what is best for your CHILD.

No guilt.No failures. Just doing the best you can do. That is motherhood.
Congratulations on your new baby.

It sounds like you are doing it right. Sleep in a separate bed with the baby and feed and change her as you need to in the night. It seems impossible, but the sleeplessness is part of it. It's a truly miserable and trying experience. The worst part is that later on you will barely remember your child as an infant because your brain is just too challenged to imprint properly. Try to avoid bottles and pumping for as long as possible, because the pumping will cause the engorgement and the bottle may cause nipple confusion. You will breastfeed longer and better if you breastfeed exclusively. It took me about 5 months of breastfeeding to finally get into a rhythm that was reliable and doable and easy. Surrender your expectations. This is your new normal. Men are not generally good at it for a while... lower your expectations. Nap with your baby as much as you can so you can catch extra snippets of rest during the day. If possible, get someone in to clean the house. You simply won't have the energy, but the mess will make you unhappy. Hang in there, Mama. You are doing this just right. You are the perfect mother for your child.