How to Deal When Someone Puts You on the Spot Repeatedly

"No" is a complete sentence.

1 - "You're paying for everyone, right?"
"No."

2 - "You're having the kids sleep over tonight, right?"
"No."

He sounds very passive-aggressive. If I were you, I'd just look at him like he had lost his mind and say, "Why would you say that? You know we had all planned to split the tab." Or, "Why would you say that? Mom didn't say anything about having the kids over." And if it continues, "Didn't you hear me before when I said that we are all splitting the tab? Why do you keep saying that? How awkward!" Just call him out on his BS. Every time. When he realizes that you're giving as good as you're getting, he will stop trying to push you around.

The dinner example? I would have intercepted the waiter/waitress's d directed the bill to "the man in the light blue shirt" who has "asked to take care of the bill"!

Seriously, just ignore him. The more you argue, the more power you give him.
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

the problem with people like this is that your 'guilty and awkward' response is EXACTLY what he's going for, and gives him permission to continue.
so why you may not be able to change him, you can certainly change your reaction to him. stop giving him what he wants. don't laugh it off uncomfortably. i'm sure it's not conscious, but there's a bully lurking underneath that degree of verbal manipulation. just stop giving him power.
don't laugh. don't smile. and also, don't ignore. that'll just cause him to up the ante. at dinner, look him dead in the eye, with a dead serious face, and say 'no, it's not. stop it.'
grandma needs to say firmly 'we need to discuss sleepovers before the fact. now is not the time.'
or simply 'hank, you're being passive-aggressive. knock it off now.'
and then walk away from him. no audience, no fun.
with a family member and a long-tolerated and ingrained habit, it'll probably take quite a few repetitions.
khairete
S.

He's your brother - just tell him "Dude, it was maybe funny the first time, but now it's annoying. Move on."

And with the kid thing, you and mom are just going to have to say "Sorry but I can't take them tonight." YOU didn't cause the disappointment, he did. Perhaps when he sees his kids being disappointed, he'll stop doing it.

The only way those people learn lessons if for you NOT to accommodate whatever their demand is. And do it right in front of everyone else, just like they do.

For #1: a simple "No, honey, that's not going to happen", and then tell the waiter to split the check, would suffice.

For #2: "Actually I'm not, I have something else going on. Sorry guys, but maybe we can plan for another time."

You can do it politely and firmly. But if you give in, it will continue to happen.

"Knock it off, Bob, you're being obnoxious."

Someone needs to call him out on it.

"Hey, Brother, if my husband and I wanted to pay for dinner, we would say so. Stop putting words in people's mouths."

"Hey, Brother, if Mom wanted to take your kids tonight, she would offer. Stop putting words in her mouth and making her feel like she has no choice by doing it in front of the kids."

"There you go John, sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong again. We've not made arrangements with Grandma for a visit, so the kids won't be staying over tonight."

"What was that John? I couldn't quite hear you, were you offering to pay for dinner for all of us tonight? No? Well why don't we all just take care of our own bill and enjoy the evening."

"Shut the F*** up." is always effective!!!

M

When my girls were younger I had a 24 hour rule for sleepovers. I need 24 hours in advance/request for sleepovers or the answer is automatically no. I was constantly put on the spot by my daughter when picking her up from play dates, after school, etc.

You could sarcastically respond to him with "good job Uncle so-and-so, now you've just bummed out the kids because our plans don't include a sleepover".

With regards to dinner say, "haha, nice try so-and-so, you know the rule is that the youngest/oldest (whichever applies to him) of us kids pays for dinner!"

Try to give him a taste of his own medicine by jokingly putting it back on him.

If you'd rather take a serious approach just pull him aside and tell him he's not funny and if he doesn't stop you're going to pump his kids full of candy and let them watch scary movies the next time they come over!

Fuzzy nailed it. This isn't an issue about his behavior. This is about everyone else allowing him to get away with his behavior.

It is your choice to "feel so guilty and awkward" that you drop all of your boundaries and don't state your truth.

It really isn't hard unless you fear that you won't be liked or someone else will be upset. Again, that isn't about him, it is about you and the thoughts you are having about what he is doing.

Instead of worrying about what he is doing, choose to simply say no. State your truth, set your boundary, don't allow him to decide for you what you are going to do, stand tall in your own space and choose how you are going to respond.

Right now, everyone is giving up their power to him by reacting to his bad behavior rather than simply observing what he is doing and choosing an appropriate response.

It sounds like the adult version of what my DD does - make a statement vs asking. We tell her "that's interesting" and ignore the "request".

"Brother, if you want something, why can't you just ask for it like an adult? Didn't you learn to say please in kindergarten?"

My BIL can be a pain in the butt. When I offered to pay for a family dinner, but in his town, he picked the most expensive restaurant. Now he is not allowed to pick anywhere. I don't play his game. He picks on DH, I think because he's not as confident a person as he wants people to think he is and baby brother intimidates him. My DH is the stable, responsible one, and I think that as BIL has gotten older, he is jealous of things like us living near the ILs and DH having a family (he and SIL have chosen not to have kids, which is fine).

What your family needs to do is learn to say, "No." When he makes his statements, make yours. "No, they cannot stay here tonight." Or "No, we are not paying for everyone."

I wouldn't say that jealousy is not an issue just because he makes more. It could be that his perception is that your DH is catching up and that bothers Mr. Alpha Dog. We had a dog who had to walk ahead of you on the leash and no matter how tired he was, if anyone started to catch up or pass him, he'd redouble his efforts to be even slightly ahead.

My vote is that he IS jealous and insecure and a bit of a bully. So think about ways to shut him down with his statements. You don't need to get into an argument, but you also don't need to be pushed around. Healthy boundaries can go really far. My DH's ex tried a few times to pawn her SD off on us when we had her other kids and giving her a firm no made that stop. I would talk to your DH about a middle ground between being silent and exploding. I agree to stop caring more about his feelings than yours and to stop accommodating him and letting him bully you. I also bet that if some of you start standing up to him, others will follow and he won't get his way by shoving people around. It may be "ugly" for a little while, but keep the long view.

You can also offer to take the kids for a sleepover, but send BIL home. That way you see the kids you like and not the brother you don't.

Someone, no EVERYONE, needs to turn it back on him and stop letting him act like this. Yes it will be awkward for you (because you are a nice person not a jerk) but really until you all stand up to him he's not going to stop.
A simple "oh no we're just buying our own dinner here" would hopefully do the trick, and if he said it again look him dead in the face and say, "did you really not hear me?"

Put him on the spot. Look him in the eye and say in a firm voice, "stop!" Then completely ignore him. Repeat as needed. First time he says husband is buying dinner husband says, "no, I'm not." Then it's "stop" the next time and then completely ignore him. I suggest that if you consistently respond this way over time he will stop or do it less.

He will resist. He probably will get worse but if all of you can stay firm and consistent he will eventually change. It may help if after a few times one of you has a conversation with him away from the group and not during a social occasion about loving him and wanting this behavior to stop.

The reason this is likely to work is because you would not be on the spot any more. He doesn't get the reward of having everyone feeling off balance and on the spot. You have taken control.

He does it because it works, apparently. He's not type-A, he's a bully. So long as you allow yourself to feel guilty and awkward, he wins. You have to change yourself, because you can't change him.

Are we related? I bet we could share stories.

I can't think about this without remembering a boy in my fifth grade class (back at the dawn of time) who was everlastingly interrupting and making smart-aleck remarks. The teacher finally put him up in front of the class and said, "Tell us a story." The kid could actually tell a good, entertaining story! More importantly, Mr. Sardella (the teacher) filled this kid's attention cup, and he was better and less annoying the rest of the time.

Yet there's a big difference between an eleven-year-old boy and a grown-up man. Sometimes.

It's usually an attention-getting thing. You've got the attention, for some reason, so I'll make a big joke out of it and get the spotlight on me, because that's where the spotlight HAS to be.

It's also a habit. Many folks do it by default. They don't even think about what's issuing out of their mouths.

So, when you're around your brother, you know what to expect. Don't just hope it won't happen. Be prepared. That's where you're falling down - you have to plan ahead to try to manage this sort of thing. When it's directed at you and your husband ("Dinner's on them!"), say, "Nope." When it's directed at your mother, say, "Nope. Grandma's got plans with me." (Then plan something quickly with your mother to make it honest, even if it's a cup of coffee. And, privately, let your brother's kids know you love them.) Don't defend yourself. Don't get into explanations.

Then change the subject as quickly as you can - maybe a question to your brother about something *he's* doing; that might get him the attention he's craving. It would be better if all of you could ignore him entirely when he's acting this way, but that's hard to do at a family party.

Don't lose your cool. Think ahead about what might come up. Imagine one hundred different scenarios! Practice saying, "NO" - a lot!

Betcha a nickel to a peanut that other people are tired of your brother's performing tendencies as well.

The only thing I know to do with people like your brother is to set very clear boundaries and not be embarrassed about them. They count on your polite demeanor to run rough-shod over you.

"No, I don't think so."

"No, mom can't watch your kids tonight - she's exhausted."

With your other brother I'd let him handle his own boundaries.

Put the ball back in his court. Let HIM be embarrassed. Chances are he won't be though. He'll just bounce on to the next "sucker" (in his mind anyway).

It's a mask for insecurity and not a very good one at that. In order for him to feel superior he must make sure you all feel inferior.

As usual Suz T is spot on.

No need for snappy come backs or excuses. Just look at him with a deadpan expression and say something like "no one thinks that's funny except you" or "please stop, we really want to enjoy ourselves this evening". Honestly, he is probably so used to acting this way he doesn't realize how lame he sounds. You'll be doing him a huge favor by forcing him to pay attention to what he says.

Adult sibling relationships can be so challenging. There is often so much emotional baggage from childhood. The ones that never really grew up can be a pain in the rear!

Why not just "ha ha brother. That's really funny." in a kind of monotone. Repeat that once or twice and then say "will you stop? You're just being annoying." I'd have this look of disgust. Don't let him get you mad. He'll enjoy that. Disgust is much more effective. Your mom should do the same. "Yes, son. ha ha. I'm having all your kids sleep over last minute bc I didn't do a thing today so am not tired at all." Then "kids, I love to have you over. Your dad and I will talk and pick a good night." If she won't, then you say that for her. You say he laughs as if it's funny so just show him it's not. Everyone needs to do this. My dad could do this type of ribbing with us and after a while we'd just go "ha ha dad. So funny..." in this bored, annoyed voice. He'd keep it up and we'd repeat and he eventually stopped. Just roll your eyes a lot.

I agree with the others. You know he is going to do this stuff, so plan ahead. Psych yourself up to be firm with him, unwavering.

When he invites himself or his kids to stay with you (or your mom, and she needs to do the same as you do) you don't need to have a ready-made EXCUSE. You need to have a ready-made reply. Which is to the point: "No. We haven't discussed doing that. We have to plan those things in advance."

You don't need to come up with an excuse! That is allowing him to continue what he is doing... You need to tell him his approach is wrong! "We have to plan that in advance." That's all you have to say. When he starts with the ribbing suggesting you should go with the flow, live dangerously, don't be such a stick in the mud (or whatever he says to suggest you should change your stance and give in)... and he will... You don't even have to respond or reply. If you want to do so, just tell him again, "We have to plan that in advance." (why???) "Because that is the way we do things." The end. No explanation or excuse. He is behaving like a child, so treat him like you'd treat a child behaving that way... shut him down, refuse to engage.

The mantra is: "We didn't plan that. We have to plan in advance."

You say he is joking but then you take it seriously. There is your problem in a nutshell. Stop reacting as if it is anything but a joke. He didn't actually expect you to pay for dinner, everyone knew he was joking, no one was put on the spot.

If your mom chooses to watch them that is her choice, she knows it is a joke. It isn't like his kids would be mad at grandma because she can't have them spend the night, they know how their dad is.

It sounds like you are actually the one being jealous. That you included your mom watching his kids sounds like you would like a night off as well. Well then say so. Don't get to thinking if he didn't ask your mom would just offer to watch your kids, she would just stay home alone.

I could be way off but it just seems like you need to work on you. Your brother seems to be not funny but harmless.

In the first situation, try to match his voice pattern and say something like, "Oh I wish we could!" (turn and look at your husband with a chuckling smile), "Wouldn't it be nice if we could afford that? Think of what we could do with that kind of money!" You need to find a way to turn what he is suggesting into an even bigger joke, but this time about how ridiculous his statement is.

If he was suggesting you take his kids for the night, my response would be similar, "Oh, we would love to have you guys spend the night! That would be so much fun. Tonight's kind of bad because Jimmy has that dentist appointment in the morning, but maybe next Friday? Would that work? Or we could check our calendars and call you."

I deal with the second scenario quite often, as my nieces used to (innocently) do this all the time and now their little brother does it. Their mom used to be a SAHM and took that title very seriously. I mean, they didn't do anything except stay at home! Or go to Walmart. I'd go nuts!!! But my point is, it would never occur to them that they were inconveniencing me. Gotta love in-laws and adjusting to each other's families!

My very long-winded point is this, you know he's going to do this, so you have to prepare your responses. I know when I visit my SIL, one of the kids is going to ask to come home with us. So I either prepare to have that happen or talk to my husband about it ahead of time and let him know why it's a bad idea any what one of us can say when asked.

I understand that "No," is a complete sentence, but it doesn't address any of your concerns about feeling "put on the spot." What you're feeling is very real, and you need to find a solution that doesn't make you feel like you're being an even bigger jerk than your brother.

Good luck!

One of my gifts is quick come-backs and complete honesty all wrapped in a nice package. No way would my siblings get away with this nonsense ever. Sorry, but everyone is letting him get away with this by not telling him NO.

Or how about an honest conversation with him about how this isn't funny and how it makes the rest of you feel?

if i am put on the spot, i usually say 'hell no.'
if it's something i want to do then i will rethink and agree to it but most of the time, my hell no is my final answer. and if asked repeatedly, i ignore the person.

He sounds insufferable.

I would not laugh, I would just give him a look of what he is, just pitiful and embarrassing himself. .

You need to learn to speak up, you need to realize this is his problem not yours. The words, no, not going to happen.

I have learned to state the correct behaviors and manners. "Nice manners, do not include offering someone else to pay for your meal."
"It is considered rude to make arrangements for other peoples lives."

We are a family that respects each other and we do not tease each other like this. "

And then you and your husband need to put it back on him by shutting him down so he will stop this behavior.

"Uncle Billy, we are all raising respectful children, you need to join the rest of us."

I do not let other people make me feel guilty. Of course, I might get caught off guard, and that can be awkward, but I really do let it be THEIR issue. Especially with this guy--since you know it's coming--plan to ignore him. Act like you don't even hear him when he says dumb stuff like that. If they try to call me out on it, I make sure to say something like, "I was trying to ignore you since you were saying something dumb."

When it comes to adults trying to make promises and arrangements in front of my son--I have this issue with my mother's husband--I stop them right in their tracks (or let them finish, depending on what's going on) and tell them that we won't discuss it in front of the Little. I'm good at telling people with my eyes to just shut up.

I don't know how clever it is. I quite simply do not entertain it.

Just ignore him, eventually you think he will take the hint. He is looking to get a reaction out of people.

He sounds annoying not funny. Not as annoying as my step father who would ask me how much I make in front of everyone (therefore providing me with a reaction that would be either to tell him and he would say I don't make enough no matter what- or get confrontational if I said that it was simply my business and he would push and say why not? why? and then my blood pressure would go sky high, I would over-react and look like a fool as I leave. sooo,..in the words of my mother who sadly doesn't apply it to her husband, just ignore him or use -but calmly some of the statements below. He probably knows he gets your goat. It's up to us how to react and I seriously don't have a handle on objectionable people. I too get flustered inside. But I have learned everyone has an Achilles heel and you have to find out what it is. 'Oh my dear brother did your wallet fall in the toilet when you were>>>"
'can't take care of your own kids?" etc. etc.Personally sounds like, since he's your brother, you could probably tell him to shut up. But that's just me.

As far as your hubby paying for dinner or anything like that, I would say something like, That was funny the first time but now it's getting old. If he continues after that, he just makes himself look stupid.

As far as asking his mom in front of the kids if they can spend the night, that response is up to your mom to handle. But maybe pull her aside, tell her you're tired of his behavior and get a game plan in place with her. Next time he does that, she can say something like, Well, I'd prefer some notice so today won't work but maybe they can come over next Friday night and we'll plan for it.

If everyone responds to that the same way then he will start to think before he speaks. And if he doesn't, then again, that just makes him look stupid, not anyone else. JMO. Good luck!

Sounds like he's joking, but is a little too aggressive/obnoxious about it. Doesn't know when to quit. I'd joke back. "Dinner's on him" can be handled by saying, "Haha! Wish we could!!" or "If we had your job, it would be!". The kids at grandma's house response could be "Oh brother! Stop putting poor mom on the spot! Haha." Just fling it back at him and don't take the statements seriously. Sounds annoying, but he probably thinks it's cute.

Please tell me that your husband didn't pick up the dinner tab... please....

You haven't said that the guy has Asperger's. That was my first thought. Then you said he's a type A personality. Makes me feel like he's a class A jerk.

Perhaps the reason he keeps doing it is because your husband WON'T blow up at him. Until someone says to him "Ef you" (sorry for the French), he'll keep this stuff going and enjoy every minute of it.

Your husband will have to learn to blow up or keep putting up with this. OR invite everyone else and leave him out of the invitations...

Other posters have great advice! For me, I'd come back with "Why? Did you forget your wallet again??" But I also like someone's suggestion of "Did you forget that we're splitting the bill??"

As for the kids' sleeping over, if it were addressed to me, I'd say, "Oh, sorry, we have other plans." But since it was to your mom, like others have suggested, it may be better to take her aside & talk to her about it or just leave it up to her. Sometimes Grandmas (and Grandpas) don't want to step on toes or hurt anyone's feelings but they should feel confident in standing up for themselves too so talking to her & getting her take on it may help. Good luck!!