My husband's first 2 kids live with us full time and their mom part time. Here's our dilemma: she spends ridiculous amounts of money she doesn't have on them. She is a charge-everything person and has enormous debt. We're worried it's setting a poor example when it comes to money management and being able to get anything they want (spoiling them unnecessarily) Examples: She has bought our son his 4th pair of expensive athletic shoes so far this school year. No, his foot hasn't grown. He just wants the latest, greatest thing and she buys it for him no questions asked. Here's another one: we bought him an affordable MP3 player for Christmas (under $100). She bought him an Ipod Touch ($400) in March because he the one we bought him wasn't cool enough. The kids ask and they receive from her. She doesn't exercise judgment either.. his grades were failing and we took the expensive do-everything cell phone she bought for him away until he raised them. She was angry about that because she wanted to text him every day. She bought our tiny 7 year old daughter high heeled sandals (3 inches high) to wear as her "sandals" this summer. Talk about an ankle twister. I could go on and on, but it's the principle of the matter with us. She's spoiling them unncessarily and teaching the wrong lessons about money, earning something you want through hard work instead of easy-come-easy-go, and not thinking about what she buys. And it never stops. Every cool thing.. video gaming system, clothing, shoes, whatever... the kids get all the time. Another of my concerns is that is not how we want to raise these kids and the two my husband and I have together. How do we approach all this expensive stuff in our house when we won't buy it for our other two kids and don't want it for any of them unless they earn it (by good grades, things like that) and we can afford it. She won't listen to our pleas for her to stop and seems to do it out of spite. Any advice?
Ladies, your thoughts are well taken and much appreciated. Everything all of you said is worthwhile to look into, including my deep-seated negative emotions about our situation. I do truly want to be an excellent role model for my bonus children and hope I can handle these curve balls with intelligence and care. Thank you very much for weighing in on my issue.
Well I know you don't want to hear this however you can't stop someone from buying things for there children, but you can ask her to leave the stuff she buys them at her house,and that you will take the phone away until the grades come back. She sounds like a difficult person but maybe you 3 need to sit down with her and talk and see why you all can't work something out.
I hope this helps and gl
This is my mother! She bought me anything I wanted, racked up credit card debt, and would anger my father and step-mother by getting me the same or better versions of b-day/Xmas gifts even though she knew they had purchased one for me already.
Raise your children the way you want to in your own home and just have faith that they will grow up to see the difference and be responsible people. My father never talked badly about my mother or her issues, but did not allow impulse purchases, gave me an allowance and a savings account in grade school and paid cash as often as possible. I am now overly conscious of my mother's habits and even had to confront her in college about closing and paying off an emergency credit card that was opened for me but used by her (the debt was roughly equal to half of my income at the time!). She has since gotten herself completely out of debt and kept it that way! There really is nothing you can do outside of your home.
Do be aware that it may be her way of compensating and showing her love and that she may feel you are trying to take that away from her. My mother did not want my father to be the only one to give me a good life and she didn't understand that material things are not the way. It was the way she was raised. To her, those material goods are "reminders" to her children of her love when they are with you.
My mother-in-law loves to feed my children junk food. I keep a healthy house. At one point, she started sending the junk home with them. At first, I allowed them to eat it at our house in frustration. I talked with my mother-in-law about it, but this didn't change anything...until! I advised my mother-in-law that I would be throwing away anything she sent to our house. At first, she didn't believe me. And all kinds of junk was getting thrown out. She finally got it and quit sending home the junk (from experience, I know I can't get her to stop the junk at her house so I have to make the decision as to whether or not the children can go there...I value their relationship with their grandparents and they do to so to me it would be silly not to allow them to go there based on a difference of how we do things...for my mother-in-law, sick or not, it is a major way she expresses her love for her grandchildren). At first, I was the mean mom, according to my children...but that's okay...they got over it. I know expensive items can be different and I would not advise giving away a gift from her...however, I could see bagging up the items and putting them away until it's time to go back to mom's. The cell phone is a different matter...she gave this in order to keep in touch. Does she pay the service bill? If so, I would advise in times neccessary that the phone be taken away other than for the point of communicating with mom. No one in the world is going to be the example I want my children to have...not even me. I recognize we all do the best we can as parents, right or wrong. All I can do is strive to be the example I would like my children to have...anyone else is far beyond my control.
Can you make a rule that the items she buys need to stay at her house, for when the kids visit, unless they are vital day-to-day items (like ONE pair of shoes)? That way, your other kids aren't feeling left out. It is too bad that she is spoiling them rotten--she probably feels like she needs to keep spending because that is the standard she has set with them, and they have come to expect it...it isn't helping them learn about earning and saving!
WOW!! I can't blame you for wanting the absolute best for your children. And a credit card fanatic example is NOT the best. We bought our daughter Dave Ramsey's kids books. She loves them and they teach great principles with money. Dave Ramsey is a terrific guy and he's been to the bottom of the barrel and come back with lots of information to share from his own first hand experiences. Check him out!
V.
1st Let go of all the emotions associated with this if possible. If the children live full-time with you, you have full-time rules at your house, so continue to set the examples it sounds as if you are doing. Your frustration is apparent, but also reflects something deeper that you might need to honestly address within yourself with the support of your husband and even friends who will be honest and objective. Stand firm and loving and keep criticism directed, even the subtle kind, at the children's mother absolutely to a minimum and stop immediately with any in front of them. Firm consistent rules win always. Sometimes lessons like this can help children more than we give them credit for.
The 7 year old..let her wear those sandles on a walk or trip to the grocery store, let her experience wearing them actively for an hour or more. The son... exciting gadgets, the latest techo toys can never replace activities, fun, love and firm secure family structure-ever. The children will be fine if you choose to let go of the emotional aspects that perhaps lie silent underneath your visible words. The other children can and will understand the difference-if they have have an unemotional explanation from you that is age appropriate. Encourage sharing if this is appropriate. The bigger deal you make of it, the bigger issue it will be.
You and your husband are major influences in all your children's lives-don't underestimate the effect your behaviors have on them as well.
My brother had the same problem with his ex-wife. After some time the expensive gifts stopped, but the ex still seems to do things just to spite my brother and his current wife. The only difference is that his ex wouldn't allow the kids to bring things home. Even the clothes and shoes she purchased for them. I see your problem with the other two kids not getting this kind of stuff and it becomes a fairness issue. Have you considered asking that they not bring the expensive electronic things home from their mom's house? If they can't show them off to you maybe she would stop. Of course they are kids and want, want, want, but some day they will realize who the better parent is by the values that you and your husband teach them.
I'm not sure how to deal with "ex", but as far as the kids I believe that you are right on about taking "toys" away if they don't earn it. My husband and I are separated and he insist on doing the same thing. I have had to explain to my children that everything comes with a price and that we must earn everything that we get, so when their dad (I have four) gives them the best and newest we put it away until it is earned, for example chores done for a week with out being "begged" or grades are all acceptable. It was not easy at first and their was a big rebellion, but now it is understood that we will earn what we get and for the most part although they are not happy about it they appreciate that I care enough to teach them the correct way of getting and receiving things.
My question is, IS SHE PAYING CHILD SUPPORT? Maybe if she is, she is not paying enough. It needs to be an amount that maybe she would think twice about buying expensive toys for the kids. Eventually it has to stop. Her debt will be so enormous she'll have to declare bankrupsy, then all the free spending will be over. You are doing an amazing job parenting the kids. My family had a night that they taught us abouat money management, They brought out some fake money (you can use real if you like) Put all the bills on teh table, and passed out the equivelent of our monthly income. Everyone had to take an envelope from the table until all the envelopes were gone. Then one by one everyone had to pay the bills in the envelopes until all the bills were paid. They got to keep what ever was left over. (Usually there wasn't a whole lot left especially if you included groceries and gas for cars.)
the kids are smart, they wilol get the picture, Maybe you could do this game using their mothers income also. They really wouldn't want to spend more money than their mother had, would they?
you are living with a gramdma and mom in one. You are also dealing with someone who feel they need to keep up with the Jones. They are also very insecure. Money is thier cover. They are buying the love they can't or don't know how to give. Kids are not asking for the most part but they know they will get the items by the all powerful " sigh". I know. I have people in my life like that now. a mother and a cousin. A cousin who when her boy graduated from HS the party was more of a wedding party with 4 kinds of meat and 6 other types of choices and of course alcolhol. Her hubby works for the place they held it at, but. Oh they gave him thier old car, so the dad could buy a new one. When Christmas last yr came for her, her kids both got one of the Play stations the ones that were 600.0 They couldn't share one, of course. They have a full game room just for the boys. They don't use the room, of course. So we know of that one.
I agree with you on how frustrating this is, however, I think you need to pick you battles. My concern what will happen is that the children will see what their mother does for them and see her has more of a friend than a parent, and when the children get older, want to move in with her because they get whatever they want. This is what happened in my husbands family. The mom tried to set rules and parent, the father let her do what she wanted, and she ended up on drugs and pregnant. I am not saying that this will happen to your children, but if you press the issue with their mother all of the time, the children are going to read this and interpret it as you don't like their mom. I do agree with a lot of the other responds that you received. Like using the things wisely and within limits. You can control your own home, but not her home. I am sorry that this is happening. Please write an up date on what you decide to do. My prayers are with you.
My ex does the same thing and I had to tell I can't afford to do the same. He likes to spend 500 a pop right before birthdays and christmas then I am at a lose on what to get. We discussed this and now he keeps those items at his house and she plays with them there. Also instead of buying her everything under the sun we have set up savings accounts and when we fill the need to spoil we put it there instead. He is finacially alot better of then I and now she he has CD's and bonds for when she is college age and will need the money more. Try talking to her about that. Good Luck
Just keep doing what you're doing. It's your home, not her home, and you have the right to raise the kids however you think is best for them and your family. No matter what she says or does, your husband's ex has no say on what goes on in your home. Unfortunately, you talking to her will probably not change her actions in any way. She probably feels threatened by you and your husband because she's worried that the kids will love your family more than hers. She probably feels the only way she can "win" the childrens' love is if she constantly out-buys you. I know this situation all too well, because my husband's ex-wife is exactly the same way.
My husband has full custody of his two children, so I'm their full-time step-mom, and it drives me crazy when I see my husband's ex spend hundreds and thousands of dollars her kids, especially when all the goods come here into our home and I suddenly become responsible for them. Like your situation, my husband's ex-wife has horrible financial problems, but she still charges credit cards recklessly for the kids and refuses to pay the important bills (like medical expenses and marital debts), which often worries and upsets me.
The only solution I see at the current time is to counteract the ex-wife's bad spending habits by being more money-wise and responsible yourself. Be a good example to your step-kids and they'll probably pick up on it when they're older. Luckily, my husband is the most financially responsible person I have ever met, so I know that his good influence is constantly over his kids. I'm hoping that they'll see his good habits and will learn from it over time.
In the meantime, you have the right to decide what is permitted and not permitted in your home. I ususally have the kids earn the presents their mother gives them in various ways, or sometimes I'll hide things until later times. Some gifts we've shared with their cousins who don't get very many toys, and there have been times when my husband and I have given toys back to their mother when we felt they were too inappropriate for our home (example: a 4 foot rabbit for Easter). Overall, use your best judgement and do what's best for the kids. Sometimes tough love is the best love.
When they come home with expensive items, take them and return them to their Mother.
The children know that in your home, pleasure items are earned.
If the items are returned to the Mother she will eventually get the picture that she will not be allowed to undermine your authority.
I don't honestly know the solution for this situation.
My ex did it with me when my youngest was small.
It is a very frustrating situation.
I did alot of screaming at my ex to no avail.
But I wish I had of done what I just told you to do and maybe I wouldn't have gotten so upset.
Material things do not teach a child responsibilities, and values.
I have to admit that Melissa A. has a great idea. And one that just might work .
Good Luck
Ignore it, and set a good example. You are raising your children, not this crazy lady. The kids will get the opportunity to see both sides of the spectrum and choose for themselves. Meanwhile it will probably bite her in the butt one day and they will see that too.
As for the ridiculous things she sends them with, take it away, throw it away, sell it on ebay, but make sure it does not go home with the kids. Send them back in plain clothes and shoes (or just play messy), and keep only the toys you would have bought for them yourselves - which might be none of it. I'm sure your kids already have toys. Make it clear to the children that your house is not an extension of hers. Soon they will not want to bring all this stuff to your house. Just take the items out of their hands when they come. They are not at your house to play with her things, they are there for family. Have fun in non-material ways, but don't be afraid to spend some money on them, lest they wish for middle ground. Put forth a real effort to teach them about money. Then someday they can choose for themselves. That's what raising kids is about.
I have four children, one of mine from a previous marriage, my husband has two from a previous marriage, and we have a 14 month old together. We have them all full time except for visitation. The boi mother is very much like what you are dealing with except she a terrible mom and doesn't have much money to spend. She spoils our children rotten when they are with her, spending all her money on them and letting them behavior horribly. I personally do not allow anything like it at our house. The children have learned to work for things, to be well behaved, and to think about their futures. I might add that the oldest is almost eight.
My advice would be to make your children keep the stuff their other mother buys them at her house. I would also point out the fact to them that spending money like that makes it harder on you in the longrun. Explain how you should be saving your money for the future. I would explain that just because you can buy things doesn't mean that you should. I would explain how bills work and that if anything were to happen to your jobs that you wouldn't be worried about paying your bills because you save your money. There is no reason children shouldn't understand how money works.
In the long run you are teaching your children the value of money, but they just might not realize your ways are best until they are older. I know it is hard, but atleast you have a mother that is somewhat helping out. The one I deal with doesn't pay childsupport and hasn't bought clothes or anything for the children of any value in over four years. She can't even take them for visitation all the time because she spent all her money prior and can't afford to feed them. They are 5&4!
Good Luck!!!
Really they are her children too and if she wants to get these things for them then that is her right, I know that isn't what you were hoping to hear but that is true. Continue doing what you are doing and hope as they get older they will see the value in a dollar. I can see her point with the cell phone though, if she bought it as a way to keep in touch with her son then he should of still been allowed to, I would of taken it away and not let him use it except to communicate with mom once he was home from school, she has no reason to reach him when he is in school. Also anything that gets bought like the video games and stereos, things that can be used by all the kids would be put in a central location so that everyone has the chance to enjoy them. Take the sandals away and let the DD know that she is just to young to wear them when she is out with you, if she wants to leave them at her mothers house and wear them there then that is ok, but just not with you. It really will be a balancing act of your rules and her's and that can be very difficult when you are trying to raise 2 other little ones with a very clear set of ideas. I hope things work out and maybe someone else will have a better idea!
You said the kids live with you full time? Then you should have them following your rules, full-time. If you are caring for them then you and your hubby should have more say in what they are given and when they can use it. Just because the ex gives them the stuff, that shouldn't mean they can use it all the time and they should need to share with their siblings. You say she lives with you part time, where is she the rest of the time and why can't the things she buys for the kids stay at her other place? Maybe your husband needs to put his foot down and tell her to stop. If she continues to buy things for the kids and they don't need them or have not earned them, make them return them to their mother(with you and hubby present) or tell the ex (and the kids) that those things will be donated to goodwill or a place like that if she refuses to control her spending. Her spending seems to be a problem for her that she cannot control-no need to bring the children down with her-this will affect them in the future, and it's a poor example of responsibility, as you already stated! Good luck!
You cannot control how or what she does with her money or the kids. However you can say it isn't allowed in your home. She can buy them whatever she wants but it needs to stay at her place. You can explain to her your rules, why you have them and she either may agree or disagree. If she disagrees then be polite and just simply say "teaching kids that material items are not earned and just given isn't acceptable in our house". That is your house, your rules and she cannot do much about it. I am sure the spending comes from another place with her. I have to say after my ex moved out of state and we divorced I indulged my kids a bit, not over the top but I did spend too much money on them for birthdays and Christmas, like I was trying to buy their happiness for their loss. I since have come to my senses and it doesn't happen any more but she may be doing this for feeling a lack of being in their lives more. You cannot dictate to her or control her however express your concerns diplomatically and tell her what your rules are at your home. Keep the ipods, cellphones, high heels at her house then.
Send all that expensive back to her house. SHE bought it, the kids can use it when they go see HER. That way, at your house you can practice "earning what you want". Sounds like the kids may be old enough for you to explain that what she buys needs to stay at her house to avoid jealousy between the other sibs. Tell her as well, that if she want the kids to have this stuff it needs to stay there. Your other option, if you feel the need, is to talk to a counselor, or a lawyer, and find out if any of her spending issues might affect the parenting agreement.
And as for the texting her son everyday, he should not have his phone on during school anyway. The phone at school should ONLY be used for emergencies i.e he misses the bus or wants to walk to so and so house.
OH, and she is doing it for spite. She want the kids to "see" how much she loves them by buying them whatever their heart desires. Right now the kids want to spend time with her because they get to go "shopping" and get all sorts of cool stuff. If they are entertained by that then they don't/won't notice that maybe she not interested in grades, or what kind of a field trip is coming up next week. SHe is trying to make you guys seem like the bad guys, and at some point the kids will throw that in your face. "Look how much MOM loves us, she gets us this stuff, and What do YOU get for us?" They won't get the concept of responsibility until they are older...but fortunately they will realize how shallow she is to BUY their affection. Hopefully for your family's peace of mind your oldest picks up on it pretty soon.
Other than that, the best you can do is to take the kids shopping with you and help them learn money management. Maybe, if you know someone who knows both your hubby and his ex see if they can go talk to her and find out why she is doing this or get both of them together and he can explain how it's not healthy for the kids to have her spending uncontrollably, nor is it healthy for her credit if she ever needs to get a bank loan. There is a possibility, that if she loses her house, then you would get custody, until she had living accomodations......wishful thinking at this point (maybe) but there are all sorts of consequences if she refuses to wake up.
Good luck, i'm sure this just make you want to scream and pull your hair out.
Dear Alexa,
The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is understand that you can't control what happens at their mom's house. What you can do is control what happens at yours.
If you need to take "temporary custody" of their things until they are headed back to their mother's,or earn the right to play with them, go ahead. They'll stop bringing them to your house if they can't have them while they are there. Set the shining example at your home and in time they'll see what really is best. Sooner or later their mothers credit will run out if she's truly that irresponsible. In the mean time take solace in your convictions.
Is there a chance she could be doing this because she knows it upsets you? If so, don't engage. Keep your thoughts to yourself and it will eventually stop.
Good Luck.
I know what you mean, my ex remarried and the new wife went and bought my 15 year old an 360X box, and my 12 year old an electric guitar, yes it's crazy. I would like to believe that the kids know that she is trying to buy them. My guess is they are taking the items because she's crazy enough to get for them, what kid wouldn't want them, but if you reinforce to them that this is not the normal society, well, for most of us, and hopfully they will know in their self that it's not normal to be lavished this way. My kids 15, 12 live with their dad, only because I'm in another city and I couldn't bear to pull them away from all their activities, friends, school and more I didn't want to hurt them more. I do spoil them alittle but I can't afford expensive things. My guess is they know when someone is trying to buy them and who really loves and cares for them to teach them values of life. Hang in there, this is hard on us all divorced mothers. I miss mine everyday, they are 45 minutes away, finding strength to make it through each day is a challenge.
Honestly, reading this I could see there are other issues going on here. Every mother is different, as is every child. I understand your dilemma, but also I feel that what she buys the children, and her reasons, are her business.They are her children.Perhaps your husband can approach her, in person, a letter, or otherwise and ask that expensive "toys" be kept at her house as you guys as parents can not afford them financially nor the conflict it causes with the other children. Don't become the "bad guy" in this. Be the mother and stepmother you want to be.Foster as much good feelings as possible in this situation.Allow her to be the mother she wants to be.As long as she is not physically abusing them, or being neglectful, she is also allowed to be different from you. Be consistent in your household in whatever fair manner you choose, but don't put so much stress on what occurs outside your home.
