How to Deal with a Hot and Cold Friend

Don't take it personally and you don't need to end the friendship.

I have reliable friends and flaky friends and I love them all. It's just that some people operate differently. They are busy, disorganized or inconsistent communicators. Since you have a good time with this friend when you get together, enjoy her when you can and don't worry about her when she's not available.

Consider it a friendly acquaintance and let it drift. You enjoy each other's company when it works, but don't stress about making it any deeper. Actually actively "ending" it would be awkward. Be "friendly" and don't worry about making it deeper "friends".

You are hurt and if you continue to text her and expect or hope that she will return your text, then you will be setting yourself up for more pain. My suggestion would be to not initiate a text to her. Allow the friendship to fade out if that is what needs to happen. you needn't to blatantly end anything, just let time do it for you.

I was in a long time friendship and for years, many of my calls were not returned (particularly if I called to do something on the weekend) however, I kept settling and would go out on the week days. I continued to invite the person to many functions we had (while seldom being invited to anything she did with her friends) and ............ boy oh boy did I end up having resentments.. Now, I no longer call her or reach out to her in any way... she has tried to contact me, but I decided that while I can't change her behavior, what's most important is that I change mine and STOP allowing myself to be a victim. Once I decided that I needed to be the change in the situation, I finally began to heal and move on..

You can still be friendly... just try and move on and nurture other friendships where it's more give and take..

good luck

You know, I've run into this problem. I was viewed as a fair-weather friend. In reality, someone saw me as a friend, and I saw her as an acquaintance. Now, I will always respond to texts and emails, but it won't always be a yes. In situations like this, it's usually just that they see you as an acquaintance. And, it's NOT personal.

I would just leave the relationship, as is. No need to drop her, and create a strange social situation.

I just wonder - how would you go about ending a frienship? I get that you wouldn't text her again, but if she texted you, would you respond with "I don't want to be your friend anymore." Sounds like elementary school!

It sounds as if she views the friendship as more casual than you do... and perhaps she views it as one of convenience and a bonus and that the real friendship is between the children.

I don't really see a problem with that. I've had friends exactly like that. It took me a little getting used to once I figured out that there are people that work that way, but it helps me avoid hurt feelings now.

You are more emotionally vested than she is. The only way is to accept that you are only acquantances and leave it at that. Don't initiate anything with her. If you are invited with that group to do this or that enjoy it but keep the distance between each other. Then go get your kid into outside activities that the group is not involved in so you have other avenues. And do not push to hard in the beginning. Its about having acquantences not long term friends. Just enjoy your childs time with him.

I hate that. How much do you REALLY like her? I for one don't care much for fair weather friends so I don't keep them. But you just have to gauge how much you really care for her and go from there. If you are just hanging out with her because of your child, you can find way more women out there who need a good friend like you.

I don't think you have to officially drop her - that seems harsh, but maybe just stop expecting her? If you have a group of friends and you are all planning on going out, and don't hear back from her - just go with what you and the other friend have planned. If you like, you can tell her what you decided and see if she shows up. If the other friend is also seeing this, then you both won't be disappointed.

Your example seems to be a group of three? You, the fair-weather friend, and another mutual friend. I've found that a lot of times, groups of three women is not a good combo. Inevitably, two of the women get along better and the third feels left out or a third wheel. Could this be it? If both you and the other friend both feel same about the fair-weather friend she may sense this and not be comfortable with you both together.

oh man, this stinks, and I can sympathize about people not responding to texts. I hate that! I have very close friends that simply do NOT respond to texts (unless it's urgent!) and I don;t understand it! Yes, it bothers me, and I find it even depressing! But, what do I do? end a 20 year relationship over it? No. Just go with the flow... It seems to be a trend or something; not answering text or email, yeah everyone is SO busy.......... I wish to go back to the rotary phone from grade school, lol... wish, wish upon a star!

Do you feel that you can talk about it with her? You could approach it like "Have I done something to offend you?" If she says no, then tell her that you thought maybe you had because xyz. It gives you an opportunity to air it out (gently) so that she understands what is bothering you, but having couched it at the beginning so that she shouldn't get defensive.

If this does no good, or if she tells you that you are clingy, then you know that you need to change how you deal with her. In any case, what I would do is stop being hurt over it and just accept that she is one of the kinds of people who only calls when SHE is interested in doing something. People like her are kind of "one-way" friends. Sometimes you accept people like that because of who they are, or because you genuinely like them and are okay with it, or because dropping them completely would cause problems. (Like your moms' group.)

Hope this helps.

I haven't read the other responses. I have a handful of friends like this. Like you, my temptation at the very least has often been to quit being the only one to initiate contact. However, most of these friends are home bodies, who are not that social, so I know it's not me, it's just how they are. I won't lie, there are various times when I...resent is a strong word but a milder version of that...being the one to always make the effort. But I try to balance out whether I think they are worth the effort. If the answer is yes, I keep doing it, understanding that I know it will always be this way so there is no point in expecting more. When the answer is no, I do let the friendship go. However, "letting a friendship go" doesn't mean that I need to have a big blow-up that will make subsequent get-togethers with mutual friends awkward. I just stop initiating and sort of let it peter out to a level where surface but civil interaction won't be completely uncomfortable.

Might be that you view her as a friend, and she is treating you as a sometime acquaintance. Accept that your visions of your relationship are different, or that her understanding of friendship is different, and you will be better able to come to terms with the behavior.

She might just be short on time, or a poor communicator.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I've had or have friends like that to varying degrees. What I've learned is to not wait on them or rely on them and take them for what I like. If I have fun with them, then great. But I know to not take them too seriously. And - what's really helped is to get rid of my compulsion to always answer an email, phone call or text in a timely manner. That's just how I am but once I stopped doing that with these types of friends, it made things "more equal." So with reliable friends, I'm still reliable and prompt. With hot and cold friends, I get in touch when I feel like it, don't expect a quick response and also don't feel compelled to get back to them until I damn well feel like it. When I don't feel a sense of duty to them, I don't expect as much from them anymore. I'm sure this is nothing personal, especially if she's like this with your mutual friend. Just how some people are... If she's not worth any time bc she's also not fun etc, then don't "end" the friendship. Just be unavailable the random times she tries to get in touch and don't reach out anymore.

I would just stop inviting her but not officially "end" things. I do understand it is really hard to keep things going with someone who does not respond. I like to be able to count on people, that is a big deal to me. At the same time, it is not like she did anything horrendously rude to warrant "ending" it. Try not to take her non-response personally. I have a few friends that have pointed out to me that they are quite bad at responding to messages - they see texts and then forget them- luckily we are close enough that we tease each other about it rather than feel offended. She might just be less organized or forgetful, who knows. Either way, it sounds like it is not a great match so I would just reach out to other friends and just keep it cordial with her at the Mom's group.

I have a friend/colleague who is similar to what you have. She will plan in front of me that she and her male bestie are going on a road trip. She will not invite me. But, on the date of the trip the male bestie may have to sit his kids and he cannot see her. She then calls and asks me to hang out. I REFUSE! I say that I made plans with another pal.
Try it. Good luck

The next time you do see her, maybe bring it up. Start talking to the other moms about the great time you guys had at a get together that she was invited to but didn't respond. Make a comment about how you txt her but she didn't respond, ask her as a concerned friend if she is problems with her phone. Personally, I wouldn't worry about it too much, she doesn't even seem to be in the friends circle with you, so I would stop texting her all together and when she realizes that you and other moms are having a great time with out her, she may say something about not being invited and you could just tell her that you were tired of inviting her to only be ignored.