How to Deal with a Toxic Girlfriend

Part of being a grown up is having the responsibility to live with your choices. He chooses to hang out with someone who is toxic to your family. So since its your house the first rule is this young woman isn't allowed on the property ever again. When she shows up call the police.

Next is to take back the credit cards (call the company and have new cards issued just to you with a new number so his don't work anymore) and tell him that the gravy train stops as of February 1. If he wants something he can get a job and earn the money to pay for it.

I'd take back that BMW and let him figure out transportation to where ever he needs to go. Since he'll have zero money he won't be able to put gas in it or pay insurance. He's 20 so he can buy something on his own and pay the insurance or use Uber or the bus to get around.

Remember most people work while going to school so picking up a part time job shouldn't impact anything in his life other than giving him less time to spend with his girlfriend. He feels he can do or say anything he wants so obviously he feels he's grown up. Start treating him like one instead of coddling him like a toddler.

Your job is to support your younger children and give them a safe place where they can relax. Their own home shouldn't be a war zone created by their older sibling. Put a stop to it now. He'll hate you but seriously he does already. This will give him an actual problem to complain about.

He is 20.. an adult.

Personally I would cut off all financial support, give him a very short period of time to move out. Something is very wrong if your own child does this. I blame your son for allowing this to happen. Lock him out and force him to grow up and live with his decisions.

So, your answer to all of these issues is to blame the girlfriend? Whooooffffda . . .

Put the blame squarely where it belong - your son, and ultimately yourselves for even allowing things to spiral this far out of control and letting it touch your other children. If I were to hazard a guess, you have been an extremely absent parent during your son's critical teen years and his plea for attention has escalated to this. Now, it is so far out of control that you are risking police intervention.

While I believe that much if this is on you, your son IS an adult and needs to start accepting consequences for treating people like he is and for his actions. Have the car picked up (assuming it is in your name - if not, then just stop making the payments). Stop paying the cell, have the credit card turned off - just stop supplying this man child the ability to not have to lift a finger in order to get what he wants. Change the locks on the house and advise your son that since he is an adult, with an adult girlfriend, that he needs to man up and put his big boy pants on. If he believes he has lived in such a terrible house for so long, you are going to save him the continuing misery of living there and taking care of his needs. It sounds like he has plenty of back up options (his dad's house, his girlfriend's house, etc.) so he will land on his feet.

Seek counseling immediately - you need to own what your role is in this and figure out a way to get help for your other children who have been exposed to this terrible nightmare.

Welcome to mamapedia.

Your son is a legal adult. Change the locks on the doors and keep the windows closed and locked.

Stop paying for ANYTHING of his - education, cell phone, food, etc. Tell him since he can't respect the family and obviously don't like his family? He can find another place to live. Tell him when he wakes up from his stupor and can treat the family with respect and kindness? he will be allowed back in. Otherwise? He's cut off.

Don't make this about the girlfriend. Make this about HIS behavior. You make it about her? It will only drive him towards her. I hope you screen printed the texts you read.

This is tough love. Tell you son you love him but it's obvious he doesn't love and respect you so no more. Ensure everyone in the house is on the same page - he's NOT ALLOWED in. If he breaks in? Call the police and have him arrested for breaking and entering.

Stand tall and stand firm mama. You and your family deserve better.

He needs to move out, that's the advice. At 20, if he wants to entertain his girlfriend for overnights and sex, he needs to NOT be living in your house.

Your responsibility is to your younger children, not to mention your own safety and sanity.

You need to let go of concerning yourself with all the details of his unhealthy attachment to her, taking all the same classes, not having his own friends etc. If he chooses to be unkind to his siblings, that's a huge loss for him. You cannot control that he makes these choices, he's going to follow his own path in regards to his relationships with others.

Why are you paying for everything? I honestly think this is the root of the problem. If he is so lucky to have you paying for his college tuition, he can WORK for nice clothes, gas for basic transportation, and any other extras. I would call the housing department at his school to find out what the cost of on-campus room/board would be per month. Give him that amount each month while he is enrolled in school. If he wants to move on campus, fine. If he wants to take that housing money and go out and find his own apartment to share with the girlfriend or whomever, fine. Once he's not in school, stop the financial support.

My guess is once he's out in the real world, not living in your home, he's going to be in for a culture shock. He'll be forced to grow up. It's highly unlikely his relationship will survive all that stress long-term. So I think you say nothing about that and let the chips fall where they may.

ETA: you have changed your post and added a LOT more information to it than when I read it before. Going to her parents with your other children was NOT a good thing. They should NEVER have been subjected to that. EVER. You need to kick him out. Period. End of story.
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with that much blatant disrespect? I would toss him out on his own and let him get a taste of the real world and see how much this girlfriend will stick around once she isn't getting a free ride anymore either.

Kick him out. Change the locks. Tell him good luck with life, you love him, but cannot tolerate the disrespect and hate that he has for his family.

This “kid” is out. And change the locks.
And not a dime unless he goes for help if that’s what you think he needs. And not a bad idea for yourself.

You need to put your son out. He is an adult and if he and his girlfriend can't respect your and your house then they need to leave. Change the locks, pack up his things and put them on the porch. They have no right to disrespect you or your household. He will soon learn that he is with a nut case but you don't have to allow either one of them in your home. If you have to get the police involved in removing them do so. They are causing harm to your other children and they shouldn't have to live that way. Good luck!!

not sure what to tell you. for this situation to have even begun to spiral this far out of control, you have zero boundaries or consequences. i'm astounded that you have raised these kids to the ages they are and don't have even more issues.

start by kicking her out and not letting her back in, period. if your son doesn't like it, no one's making him stay there and have all his expenses paid, right?

btw, my kids both started working before they were 16 and had jobs while they were in college. any kid who wants an education can figure out how to 'concentrate on school' even if <gasp> they have other responsibilities in life.

sounds like the entire family is in crisis. not sure why you think counseling for your son is the only counseling needed- his mind didn't just suddenly get 'twisted' by this nasty little chick. sounds like he was raised to be a follower.

get help for everyone, sooner rather than later.

khairete
S.

ETA:

I don't really follow your SWH. You say it's too expensive to live outside the home - but he has a BMW and credit cards. I lived in very modest, low rent apartment (you can have roomies that are not friends) and didn't have credit cards when I started college. I did not have a car.

I have a close relative who is bi-polar. None of what you describe here reminds me of my relative - at all. If he's getting good grades - doesn't sound like it to me (if not being treated).

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She can do whatever she wants - if she is rude and insults you, there's nothing you can do about that. If your son is into her - that's his choice.

What you can do is focus on the issue - which is that you don't want this going on in your home - so she doesn't come over. How do you make that happen? Then I'd say it's time for him to move out.

You can't control who he dates, but you can have him live elsewhere. That's my suggestion.

As for what you expect from your son - here's just what is possible - I have a son a few years younger than yours - he's not yet in college, but he's in high school. He works two part jobs, gets good grades, walks dogs and shovels for people as well, plays a team sport, and has a life. He contributes towards his car insurance, he pays all his spending money, and he puts half his salary towards his future education costs. He does chores at home.

Recently, we had a kid over who did not respect our house rules. He is not invited back. He was asked to leave our home. We have younger kids here, and we were not going to have them around that kind of thing.

You're the parent. You don't react to this stuff. You have to stay calm and not respond like you do. When you get upset, you have to take a moment and let it go.

That would be my suggestion. Sounds pretty awful and I'd be upset too. I just wouldn't want to deal with it but the problem isn't the girlfriend, it's that your son has made a poor choice and isn't being respectful in your home. It happens (with the choices) and he'll learn, but as far as your whole family having to deal with this drama - no. It doesn't have to go down in your house. Have him live elsewhere.

It is your home, you set the rules in your home and if he can not follow them then he needs to find a new living arrangement, that is part of being an adult. Since she doesn't respect you, your home, or your rules, I would simply ban her from the house unless all those things change, but you have to be ready to follow through and tell him to move out if he continues to disrespect you and your home/rules or nothing will ever change. Time for some tough love.

Your son doesn't take you seriously. He knows you and his dad are not on the same page and knows how to work the situation.

The only way your son is going to grow up is by showing him tough love.

This means kicking him out. Changing the locks. If he enters again? call the police and have him arrested. If girlfriend is there too? Have her arrested and use your cameras as proof of breaking and entering.

Cut off all financial aide to him. ALL OF IT. Let him find his own way in life. You can't keep drawing a line in the sand and then moving it. That's EXACTLY what you are doing.

Tell him you're done. Tell him he has 24 hours to leave the premises. Then get a locksmith in and change ALL the locks. Ensure EVERYONE knows that he is NOT ALLOWED in the house and to NOT let him in if he knocks on the door. He NEEDS to know you are serious.

Enough is enough. Stand your ground and stop allowing him to take advantage of you.

He's an adult who needs to learn how to take care of himself. Stop trying to fix him. Stop reading their texts. Let go of the drama.

Your son has shown you who he is. You've asked him to do several things while living with you. Not has he not done them, he disrespects you. Tell him he has until the end of the quarter/semester he has to be out. He has to grow up! He's 20. The time to help him is passed.

Let go of being his mother and relate to him as an adult. Stop feeling guilty for who he is. In writing make a list of what he has to do. Have him sign it. Stop putting up with his behaviour. List immediate consequences when he doesn't follow the rules. I suspect you"ve allowed him to break the rules when he was growing up. He needs you to set boundaries and to be held accountable.

He is an adult. He should be paying his own expenses. If you pay for his phone, don't give it back. Stop paying for anything except his college expenses. You know he manipulates. Stop listening to him. It's your house. You make the rules. Stand firm, don't argue. You deserve respect and to feel comfortable in your home.

I urge you to get your own counselor to help you.

I also suggest you to learn about codependency. There is a great site on the Internet.

Wow. What a mess. I honestly think the only thing you and your husband can do is tell your son that he is no longer welcome in your home and go find a job and different place to live. If you continue to pay his tuition, you are nice people.

He is extremely immature and has growing up to do that will only take place with the school of hard knocks. He’s not going to learn it being around you.

Tell his father what you are going to do. And do it. Box up all his stuff and put it outside for him. You might also have a policeman at the house when you tell him.

It may tank your relationship for a long time, but do you really want a relationship with a person who does this to your family?

It’s time for tough love. If you can’t do it, nothing will change.

I'm not sure that going to the parents of a 19 year old was a good move. She's an adult. However, if anyone physically attacked me, I'd have called the police, filed a report, and applied for a restraining order to keep her away from your house and you and your other kids. You can still do that. But don't talk to the police about her texting - they don't care unless there are pictures of naked kids. They don't handle family discipline and drama. Focus - it's on the physical attack and the fact that your minor daughter is home alone.

You are responsible for your son's upbringing, but sometimes kids take a bad turn and we can't do anything about it once they are adults. We can, however, stop enabling them. I think you have to prioritize. What they do behind your back is annoying but you have to ignore it. If you didn't snoop at the messages, you wouldn't know about it. Kids who text constantly are annoying but it's not the end of the world. Same with dirty underwear on the floor of the bathroom - shut the door and let the kids work it out. You're not home so you can't micromanage everything.

Lying naked in your home when your daughter is there is another thin, but if she's in his room, your daughter can shut the door. So is leaving dirty stuff around. And stop asking her why she is yelling at your other son. Who cares? Just kick her out. There are precious few valid reasons for being a guest in someone's house and yelling at them.

But your son is allowing this when you are not home. And apparently he expects to be spoiled with a fancy car, an unlimited food budget and an expense account. So he's your problem. Stop paying for everything.Give him an ultimatum - he needs a job in 2 weeks or you're not paying his cell phone and spending money. If you and his dad want to pay for his college, that's up to you, but none of this "don't work and just concentrate on your studies" nonsense. If he has time for all this stuff with her, he has time to work. A job at the college might cover part of his tuition too instead of gas for his BMW. Give him a set time limit to move out too - a dorm, a rooming house, anything near the college. If they go to the same school, they can live together and pay for it themselves. But he's out. He thinks he's an adult and can do what he wants? He's right. But not in your house.

I agree you can (and should) change the locks once he's out. But if you let him in the home and then travel with your daughter, he'll let her in.

Time for tough love, Mama. You've either taught him life skills, or you haven't. He can learn the hard way, but at least he'll learn. But you have to stop all the talking, all the asking for explanations, and all the snooping. You have to take concrete action that he will understand. It's time to be strong and be in the driver's seat. We had to do this with one of my husband's daughters to keep her and her criminal boyfriend away from our son. If she wanted to see us, we met in a very public place like a restaurant that would call the cops if he showed up without our knowledge. We told her we would see her, and only her.

Good luck.

At 20 I was told that I had to find my own job, my own place to live and make it work of I didn t want to follow my parents rules.
At 18 my husband a parents said the same thing to him.
So i think if the 20 year old cannot abide by your rules he can get a job to pay for his own place to stay. I would also cancel the credit card till he can show respect for the woman that gave birth to him and raised him

I would not do things like go over to her parent's house, etc. Instead you and your husband should tell your son he is a grown adult and it is time to move out. Come up with a plan...such as you agree to give him x amount a month for him to share an apartment with a group of other students. Research where students at his university live and look up rent prices, or look at on campus housing. (Or he can pay for it himself...student loans and summer jobs. I did this and always worked a part time job in college between classes). Tell him in x years when he is done with college then he is on his own for paying rent so he will need to find a job even if it is simply sacking groceries while he looks for a better job. Harden your feelings...he and his girlfriend will say all kinds of bad things about you. Model good behavior back to him. Stay calm and rational. Say the job of a parent is to raise independent adults who can take care of themselves. Tell him you love him and will help him find a place to live if he wants. Then breathe a sigh of relief that you do not have to be around his nasty girlfriend anymore. I never lived at home after age 18. I had to take out loans in college which I worked to slowly pay back in my 20s. I had to live super frugally...eating beans and rice...getting clothes from salvation army. Lots of young people do this...it's fine. It teaches you the value of things, that working hard pays off, and to be very careful how you spend money. Your son is being very disrespectful to you and you are right to not allow his girlfriend over anymore. Tell him if she ever decides to start being kind and respectful you will consider letting her over to your house again one day, but you will have a list of rules on how to behave in someone else's house. Stay calm.