How to Deal with Boyfriend and His Relationship with My 3 Sons

If I am understanding this correctly, the question here is the sleeping arrangements for this upcoming visit? I would say ask the person that you are most afraid of upsetting. Your youngest may not have a problem with the sleeping arrangements, it might just be the guy, as he doesn't really know him yet. Is the BF willing to have a cot in the livingroom? Or maybe your son would like him to stay in a hotel so that he can have some down time from him, maybe he is okay if you stay in the same room, or both at the hotel. 16 isn't a child, and I really think that you need to talk to him. Let him know that you really like this guy, but you don't want to make him uncomfortable either. Ask him to give the guy a chance - a real chance.

I think the hotel is the best option.

If the big thing is forging a relationship with your youngest son, then I would say you will have to do what makes him the most comfortable. He is only 16. That is still pretty immature in the big scheme of things. Probably one reason your eldest and your BF got along so much better... the eldest is going to be considerably more mature.. he is an adult and self sufficient. Your youngest is neither. Aside from general immaturity and raging hormones, your youngest may be grappling with the idea that Mom is a woman with interests that don't solely involve raising/caring for/providing for him! Kids (even at 16, or should I say especially at 16, lol) can be amazingly self-centered.

Your son probably needs more time to adjust to this new and amazing concept! You said yourself.. you haven't dated at all during the last 10 years. If it makes him more comfortable - and it will- have your BF stay in a nearby hotel. (Or does someone have an airbed for the living room?) You don't have to cater to your youngest's every whim on this subject, but do realize that this is WAY out of the realm of "normal" for how he sees you. He will need some time to adjust to it. Let him have it. You will reap the benefits later.

Your oldest is an adult, so of course he sees it like an adult. Your 2 youngest are teens, and they HATE it when anything takes attention away from them. Their attitude will change as they grow, but there might not be anything your boyfriend can do to gain their acceptance except to continue to be with you whether they like it or not. Of course their father might be filling them with a negative / competitive attitude just to stir up trouble. Relationships move along faster as we age, and the kids are not necessarily going to warm up to the concept that there is someone in your life that isn't them or their dad. Only time will tell. (PS - I'd make sure to note when that divorce is final. 1) it's worth celebrating and 2) not that he is, but some guys lie about getting a divorce and a guy who won't tidy up his past relationships before he moves on to the next just isn't worth bothering with. )

the younger boys are going to have to bond on their own terms. Have you talked to your boys and asked they how/what they are feeling about the BF? Does he understand this is not just some guy you met at a bar and brought home. help to see that you are still there for him, but now it is time to start putting yourself/happiness on your radar. He will be off to college in a few years. Sometimes it is just a teen thing and he is going to have an attitude about it regardless. Just have your BF not try so hard, it will probably help that your older has bonded a bit and this weekend together, might have your oldest help your youngest. Maybe the oldest should talk to his brothers to get to the root of what is bothering him about it. Maybe he is worried you are going to get hurt again? Maybe he still remembers the pain you had went through with the divorce? Just talk to him. If you have already shared a room, I think you should just let your son know that the BF is coming and you will be sharing a room. Ask him how he is feeling about that. Maybe it is not the room sharing he has problems with, but what you could be doing in there. When i was 19/20. my brother and mom and i were chatting. My bro said something about my parents having sex and I said our parents dont have sex!! My mom replied I beg your pardon. I said just let me go with it or you will be paying for therapy for quite some time. Kids dont always want to face the idea of their parents doing "it'. especially when he maybe having his own struggles about sex, like to do it or not?? just a thought. Good luck.

I think a hotel is a great idea. You certainly deserve a great relationship and possibly another chance at marriage with this man if that is what you want. Especially after you have devoted yourself to your kids and raised them to be i'm sure great men. I think it is now your turn.
However, you still got a little ways to go with your youngest. If he does not warm up to BF within in a year I would probably wait until he is away at college/or on his own too before I move in with BF. Even though you are the adult/mother and it's your right to move in with him whenever you please I would not want to live with the conflict it may cause.
It's not strange that your sons would react this way since they are not used to you being with anyone. Maybe all they need is time to get use to the idea. but, gently ease them into it. All the permanent plans may be too much for them all at once.

Hi K.,
I have been in a similar situation with my 2 kids (16 and 21 now). In 06, I met my current husband on eharmony and he wanted to spend the night at our house for my birthday. I told him that it would not be a good idea because I respected my kids and our home more than I did our sexual life. He stayed at a motel down the road and I am very glad he did. He hit it off with my kids and they instantly fell in love with him. He took my son to the movies and they saw Transformers together and they were really able to bond there. I suggest that you do what feels right. You already made the mistake once so I doubt you will ever do it again. My suggestion is that he stay with the whole family at first and If it doesn't work out then he can always stay at a hotel. Best of Luck on whatever decision you make! :o)
S. W.