How to Deal with My 9 Year Old Daughter Lying, Hiding .....pls Help

Lookit, by searching "kissing" she's telling you she wants to know about kissing. Wouldn't it be better that YOU tell her, talk to her about kissing (and what comes after) than the internet?

:)

for starters, good for you for reining in your potential freak-out, and for recognizing that keeping the doors of communication open is so important for any parent.
your relationship with your husband is absolutely impacting the situation. the difference in parenting style alone throws kids for a loop, and when you add in your poor relationship and that she's scared of him, you have a perfect storm of ingredients for rough adolescences.
sharing your own experiences CAN be healthy, but proceed with caution. it can easily tip over into over-sharing which can overwhelm a tween. you don't want to accidentally turn your kids into your therapists.
i think the key is to develop your relationship to the point where she (and your sons) ASK you about these matters instead of your awkwardly trying to raise the subject. but that doesn't happen overnight.
keep gently opening that door. don't try to drag them through it. but if they slam it shut, open it again. use natural opportunities. if you're watching tv and a risque scene or commercial come on, comment 'wow, that sunset is beautiful but i'm a little uncomfortable with how handsy that couple is! what do you think?'
or driving in the car, and a song with suggestive (or abusive) lyrics coms on. 'i love the bass backbeat but i'm unhappy with how women are portrayed in this song. i wonder how they could have made this an awesome dance song without acting like women are just sex objects?'
and don't get down if your fishing expeditions don't create an open atmosphere right away. if your kids have been trained to be reticent due to the strained atmosphere in the home, they'll shy away from intimate conversations. you have to demonstrate reliably over time that you are safe place for them to discuss and explore.
good luck!
khairete
S.

I don't think that sharing your past mistakes at this point is appropriate (other than "I was curious about kissing at your age, too"). I think that 9 yrs old is too young to break down an event and make it relatable to her life. Maybe at 14 or 15 (mine were about 16 since they couldn't date until 16 and that is when the "relatable" stuff started coming up).

I would talk with your daughter about computer rules (what she can and cannot look up). Perhaps install a "net nanny" and set it for PG-13. Sometimes even the most "value conscious" kids can get in trouble on the internet and it can be hard to make "good choices" when you are not even sure what those are yet.

I would also sit down and talk to your daughter (as many times as she will listen) that she can always talk to you, can always come to you, can always tell you anything, no matter what. This isn't something that will happen overnight - I told my girls that every night before they went to bed for years. I never asked "do you have something you want to tell me" - rather, "I'm always here, always ready to listen." Another thing that I did was gave my kids (I have 3 girls and 3 boys) a "safety adult" to talk to. For some kids, it was my mom, and for others it was an older sibling, and for one kid, it was my daughter's husband. They can tell or ask anything, and that person is sworn to secrecy from me and promises not to judge.

It is good that you are thinking about these things now. This is the perfect age to start "practicing" these things! Good luck :)

Well, she's probably embarrassed that you "caught" her. (Could have been much, much worse!)
I'd wait until you guys are going something together and just say something to open the lines of communication like
"Meg, you're getting to an age where you're really starting to grow up. I know you'll have an interest in boys, be curious about sex and the changes in your body. I know I'm your mom, and it might seem awkward, but I really want you to know that I'll always answer your questions honestly. After all, I'm a girl too and I've been through the same things. If and when you have any questions. Do you?"

good for you for not freaking out. I still try to curb my reaction to some things my daughter says b/c I'd rather she talk to me. Your daughter is curious and that's normal. I would approach is in just that way - its normal to be curious, have you ever kissed anybody? Also, start the convo in the car or while making dinner or getting ready or something instead of sitting down at the table and making it formal. Keep it light.

I would also tell her that its ok to be curious and its ok to look things up, but not ok to lie. My biggest rule with my kids was not lying. They got in more trouble for lying than anything else.

I think keeping lines of communication open is key (I agree).

I've made a point when my kids came to me about something they'd done (and were embarrassed or ashamed of) to react calmly.

Doesn't mean I'm ok with it, but at least they know I won't flip out. The first time I flipped out with my eldest, he didn't come to me the next time - so I remain calm, take a breather, and we discuss a bit later.

Looking up kissing is probably something her friends or classmates have done. Usually kids get the idea from somewhere, or she could just be curious. I would ask her why she is interested, did she get the idea from somewhere, and can I answer anything for her?

I like Marda's idea of a book. We had one with just the basics and was age appropriate. I was then available to answer questions if they wanted.

I don't think you and your husband have to have same exact parenting styles - but it helps if you have the same rules. So even if your husband is more strict, so long as you both expect the same things from your children, it should be ok.

Just work together to make sure you're sending the same message to your children.

I hope things get better between you and your husband. Good luck :)

* As for discussing personal regrets with your kids, I tend to share my personal stories when my kids go through things. So if my child feels like his bud ditched him, I'll say "Oh I had that happen to me around your age, it sucks doesn't it?" and then they know they have someone to talk to who can relate. I don't tend to dwell on regrets so much I guess. I treat them more like lessons.

I'd handle it by saying that curiosity is normal and healthy, but there is way too much stuff on the internet that's not true. Let her know that any time she comes to you with a question, she will never, ever get in trouble. Tell her also that moms and daughters have conversation about bodies and sex that don't get shared with men. That will cover the part about her being afraid of her dad. I think that's very different from saying that anyone is lying to her father or keeping secrets - it's just woman stuff.

I think it's really a horrible shame that you and your husband have a poor relationship. Please figure out a healthy way to solve that problem because, yes, it's going to affect your daughter, her views on women and men, and the way she allows a man to treat her. She may decide to go get her information from boys rather than risk getting in trouble with her father. Bad idea.

Be very careful about discussing your specific mistakes. She is a child and it's not appropriate to tell her what you did wrong if it's a sexual topic. Talk more about the kind of relationship you want to have with her, how she can count on your, and so on. (If she sees you being bossed around by your husband or verbally abused/highly criticized, not much that you say will have an impact on her. She'll be more influenced by what she sees. You can't very well get away with "Do as I say, not as I do" with tweens and teens. They see through the hypocrisy. Please get marriage help if you need to. This situation doesn't sound good for your 3 kids.)

I agree with everything Julie said.

It's only kissing, be thankful. Sounds like normal curiosity to me. You keep open communication by discussing things in an age-appropriate manner as they come up. I would casually ask her why she was googling kissing -- is there someone you want to kiss? I'd listen to whatever she said and then jokingly say something like, "Well, missy, you're just a little too young to date, so hold off on that kissing stuff." Then I'd make sure she got lots of love from me and dad, was involved in activities, and that I had appropriate controls on the household technology.

I found that pop culture -- songs, tv shows, celebrities, etc. -- provided plenty of opportunities to discuss things with my daughter.

Keep it lighthearted, it's not the worst thing in the world.

I used an age appropriate book to start a conversation. I started with Good Touch Bad Touch. I think that was the title. Read it together. Then left it in her room so she could look at it by herself. When she was older we read a book with more info.

My daughter did the same with her daughter.

Updated

I used an age appropriate book to start a conversation. I started with Good Touch Bad Touch. I think that was the title. Read it together. Then left it in her room so she could look at it by herself. When she was older we read a book with more info.

My daughter did the same with her daughter.

I'm pretty strict, but don't think I would make a big deal of what you found. It could be worse. I would ask about it and perhaps let her know she can let you know when she is ready, as there is some stuff she should know when that time comes.

Does she have a crush or possibly just curious? When the time comes, just have the talk...let her know if that boy has a herpes lip, she's going to get one, let her know if he has a sore throat, she's going to get one and vise versa. If you don't think kissing is appropriate at the time she talks to you, tell her you think holding hands is sufficient for her age. All you can do is ask her, as you cannot watch her 24/7. Flipping out won't change a thing.

Then, I would let her know that X is as far as you feel she should go. Some people go further or even say they do, but it's not appropriate. Then let her know, if he has herpes, she's going to get it...

Put parental controls on her account. Make it pretty high too but not all the way up. If you do that anything with the word "but" won't load without permission from a parent.

This way when she's online for anything she can't really go anywhere she isn't supposed to go.