How to Deal with Neighbor - Vienna,VA

I'm sorry for what happened...... I really have no advice on how to help your husband...

But... whenever I have someone else care for our pets, I leave PLENTY of written/typed instructions... I GIVE one set with clear instructions, and when we will be leaving and returning, and LEAVE a set in the house...... Yeah, I'm a bit anal on that.....

Now... that being said, my son was asked to take care of a neighbor's animals (just letting them out and checking on food and water...) he ended up being gone that weekend, so he asked me to do it..... and I forgot! I kept seeing a strange key hanging up, and had no idea whose key it was.....

Fortunately, they were just gone for 1 day, and everything was fine...

I am one that needs detailed written instructions.. I am a visual person, and oral instructions often go in one ear, and out the other!

Grieving takes time and can't be rushed and your husband needs time. I know I would probably avoid contact for now with this person and he probably needs that time to cope with the loss. Who cares about neighborhood events when you've had a devestating loss? I know our dog is a member of our family and we would feel like your husband if this happened. (My husband is the type that would never talk to her again--and I mean never).

We had a mix-up with one pet sitter and she left one day early. Since that time, I have spoken with the pet sitters several times when we're gone and always contacted them when we were back home, just in case there was a delay in our return. I know I don't have to tell you this because after this, you'll probably take every precaution that your pet sitter gets the days right.

I am so sorry for your loss. The only thing you can do is decide how YOU will relate to the neighbor. Your husband will have to find his own way as he grieves. It was a terrible accident and he may come around after time.

It sounds like you have forgiven your neighbor, but COME ON! If I were pet-sitting I would make sure the pets were being cared for by their owners and not just assume they came back and everything was fine. I'm not sure how you traveled, but what if your flight had been delayed or if you had been in a car accident or bad traffic and delayed your return. I mean she should not have just assumed you were home for a whole week without EVER calling to check in. That is irresponsible. Is she an adult? Did she have a key she would have needed to return? I just don't get it. Clearly I am having a hard time with this, and honestly, I don't even really like animals all that much. I feel for your husband.

I had something similar happen to me. It just takes time. My dog was 13 years old and was left outside with no water during a Texas summer.

Time heals. But it made me REAL ANGRY at the time.

If the care giver was an adult I can't understand why they wouldn't take care of your pets until they saw you and knew you were home. Now, if the care giver was a child or a teenager where the whole world revolves around them, they're not verifing you were back home is more understandable. It would be a maturity issue.

How to deal with your neighbor? Be kind and forgiving. They made a mistake. They feel bad. I only know of one man that never made a mistake, and I celebrate his birthday around Christmas every year.

Good luck to you and yours.

A., I think that it's just going to take time. Don't push him. If she can't get her head around why he can't be around her, then she is either thick in the head or she just doesn't want to take the blame for what she did.

Your husband doesn't have to go to neighborhood events if he doesn't want to. You don't have to be friends with the neighbors either - that would rub salt in the wound for your husband.

I can't imagine the agony your dog went through - that is probably going to haunt your husband for a long time. You have to accept that.

So sorry,
Dawn

I personally think that if it wasn't obvious that you weren't back, a simple call to check in would have been in order ("Just wanted to make sure you were back"). I personally would have called to check in if I was gone prolonged as well. Both of these are in hindsight but helpful in the future.

Time and distance is the best thing right now.

Honestly, I'd have a hard time forgiving her myself.
You trusted her with your pets - they are like family members - and she neglected them and let them starve - one to death - not a nice way to go.
When you care for others pets, you keep coming back until you talk to and see their people have come home.
Her behavior was just stupid and cruel.
An apology is a gesture, but it falls way short of the breach of trust you placed in her.
And short of money or not, she should be offering to help pay some of the costs of the tragedy she caused.
Your husband feels betrayed and he's lost a family member in a horrible way.
I'm afraid there's no way she can make up for this and I would never feel the same about her again for causing me such pain.
If you ever need the pets looked after again when you go away, please take them to a kennel that knows what they are doing.
To help your husband, be a bit more sympathetic to him and a little less forgiving of your neighbor and give it all a whole heap of time.
Go to neighborhood events - be civil but distant to her.

If she was your neighbor, and she was friends enough with you to pet sit. Why did she not realize you were not home for a week? Doesnt she call? doesnt she want to know your safe at home, and that the dogs and cat are ok with you? That would be the least of what she could do. My goodness, my next door neighbor and I exchange dog sitting duties all the time. We text, we email, and we CALL each other almost daily about our dogs. I would never give up my duties just like that with out knowing Bruno and Brody were in her hands again. Same with her. Zur never is left unattended till we are home. We often go on trips lasting well over 2 to 4 weeks. So its just common sense.
Sounds like your neighbor really dropped the ball, mistake or NO, she caused a beloved animal to suffer the cruelest death imaginable. Dying of dehydration is no simple way to go. To me that's criminal. I don't think your husband should EVER have to get over it or move on. If it were mine he would have pressed charges for animal cruelty, neighbors or no.
I guess you know the neighbor best, and if you feel she is truly sorry, then at least you can forgive her, but I wouldnt expect my husband to accept it. I know mine and he is so attached to our dog, so I know he wouldnt get over it easily either. I am sorry you had to go through this.
I once baby sat a friends cat that was like 16 year old, had diabetes, and kidney failure. He said he knew that the cat was in bad shape, and if he had problems to call him. Of course the 3rd day watching the cat, I was going to give him his meds and found him in the tub, seizing and barely breathing. I rushed him to the vets office, to have him die on the table. Vet said there was nothing I could have done for him. I paid the bill and told his owner, who of course had a horrible rest of the vacation knowing his pet died. I felt so bad I didnt even ask for the 200$ bill. He doesnt hold it against me, but I have yet to babysit his newest cat. LOL

When sending an e-mail to someone like this I would always ask for a reply to be sure they understand exactly but first off I would make a phone call instead and speak to the person directly. There are many confusions in e-mail and texting. I know the girl was not too responsible but it is both your husband's fault and the girl's. Why blame her when there is nothing you do about it now? The dog is gone and yes grieve over it but she is a person still here and I would patch it up and she should let you know she is sorry if she could pay anything at all, but life goes on and you have to let her be forgiven regardless of whose fault it is. What if it was the other way around? Just my opinion.

Oh, what a horrible homecoming.
I'm so sorry.

Hindsight is always great, but anytime I had to leave pets for an extended time, I always had a back-up neighbor in case something happened to the first person we had asked to watch over things. Both neighbors had each other's phone numbers so they could communicate, and I would call to check in with them regularly. Our bird could easily be fine for a few days in between being checked due to the nature of her food and water dispensers. I left the TV on for her and she was happy. However, my elderly cat and bunnies couldn't go a day without being checked on and given fresh water, etc.

I'm not trying to make you feel worse than you already do. I'm just a worrier and for my own peace of mind, I just wanted to make sure everything was going okay.

As far as moving forward, it's going to take time. Your husband may never truly get over this. Losing a pet under natural circumstances can be hard enough. I wouldn't press him about how he feels about the neighbor. He may never forgive her. If I was the neighbor who didn't call or stop by just to make sure you'd made it home safely and your animals died or came close to it as a result, I would just want to jump right off a bridge and get it over with because I would feel so guilty. Seriously.

I would just worry for now about helping your own family through all this and worry about how things will work out (or won't) as far as your relationship with your neighbor later and/or as it comes. There may never be truly getting past this with her, that's hard to say.

Like I said, I really am sorry this happened to your family because it's tragic, to say the least. Unfortunately, there is no going back and doing things over.
How you move forward is something that you will figure out as you try to navigate it.

Just my opinion and very best wishes to your family.

I am so sorry this has happened to your pets & your family.
I find it odd that she dropped the ball but I guess I can imagine how it COULD happen.

I would not push your husband & let him grieve.

While it's not your neighbor's fault, there is nothing written that says he has to resume a friendship w/her. Let him decide how he wants to proceed. His dog, he's an adult, his feelings etc.

Again, I am so very sorry for you.

I honestly am not sure that I could forgive something like this, and I wouldn't expect miracles from your DH. What a sad scene for you & your kids, especially, to come home to.

I guess we are super paranoid, but we call every day we are gone to make sure the dog's okay... I am still not really sure how she could've gotten that mixed up and didn't realize you weren't back yet, especially being your neighbor. I am a little surprised that no one checked, verbally, with her. We all know much gets lost in translation with electronic communications. I guess it's a sad lesson learned that she's not very responsible & doesn't have the best judgement.

I think right now, you need to not worry about the neighbors feelings, and worry about your #1 priority, your family. The neighbor is secondary & the cause of this, she can wait. So can the neighborhood events. They're just not important right now. What YOU do is up to you. What your DH does is up to him, at the end of the day.

Oh this is just awful. I am so sorry for all of you..

My husband is VERY sensitive about animals in general, but his pets are his precious children. he just hurts so much when he recalls any of his past pets. Our cat was killed earlier this year.. She ran across the street. Oh my, he is still devastated seeing that side of the street.

He was so mad at the driver, but in reality, the cat should not have run across the street. She had been trained to stay in our yard..

This is a horrible thing to have come home to and to imagine what the animals went through.

i am sure this woman feels horrible. I am sure she would do anything to take all of this back.. I cannot imagine she did this on purpose..

Just give your husband time. Let him talk about it if her wants.. or honor him just dealing with it on his own.. which ever way he chooses.

Again, I am just so sorry about this.

I know your tragedy is a learning lesson for me. I will always make sure to call the pet sitter to check the status of a pet.. or to call and verify that the pet owner has returned as I expected.. Tell your husband this is not in Vain.. I am sure a lot of us are going to learn a lesson from your terrible loss.

I feel horrible for all of you.

I'm not understanding something though. If you see her all if the time, how did she not notice that you weren't back? I'm assuming We're you gone for a really long time, since she thought you would be back a week earlier?

I was watering my neighbors flowers, herbs, & grass while they were gone on vacation. All they said was that they were going for a month. I didn't know the exact date. I watered every day until I saw that they were back. Did she leave on vacation, thinking you guys would be back? I don't understand how she didn't notice, for a whole week, That you guys weren't around?
Your poor family to have to walk into that. I want to feel horrible for your neighbor as well, but not sure how she didn't notice that you weren't back?

OMG, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. This just hurts my heart for you and your family. I would have a hard time having any contact with the neighbor, I think that no matter what the relationship is changed forever. If I were the neighbor I don't think I could have a relationship with you because of guilt. If you are still going to need to have a relationship with this neighbor, I think it will take time and a lot of healing for your whole family. Take it slow, don't push the relationship into what it was before or your husband will just resent them and you. You and your family also need time to grieve and treat your pets who are still alive.

In the future, whoever is taking care of your pets should check in with you to let you know how your pets are doing. What I do when we have our neighbor taking care of our pets is that I call when we get back to let her know we made it back okay. This way there's no confusion and if something delayed us then she can come over and take care of them before we get back. Again, I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that your cat and dog are doing okay.

This hurts. I am so sorry. I agree that you should focus on your family's needs at this point, your husband's feelings. While you can appreciate what the neighbor DID do to help you out, she really dropped the ball on this one, and the consequences were just too major to brush off. Even in thinking that you were home early, she should have touched based with you that evening or the next day just to confirm that everything was to your satisfaction and the pets were in good shape for you. Kind of an idiotic move not to, and your husband is just not getting how that wouldn't occur to her. He is also wishing that he had gotten confirmation from her...wondering what HE could have done differently.

I am so sorry for this.

Oh A., how terrible for you all.
And I don't know that I would be able to get over it either - I mean, how did your neighbor not notice that you guys were not home yet.

You need to let him grieve.
You need let him express, to you, his anger over what happened.
You may need to let him avoid neighborhood events for awhile longer.

Has he been able to have a conversation with the "pet sitter"? Maybe brace her for it, and let him tell her how he feels.

Time will help him move forward on this. But, he may never be comfortable around that neighbor again.

I am so sorry. Hugs to all.

I'm going to say something completely different that many have not mentioned:

This was a terrible mistake, but your children are watching how you handle this. You might want to let her pay for the cremation. Then she has done something to try to make up for your terrible loss and once you are ready, please forgive her. Holding a grudge will just show the children that mistakes will not be rectified or forgiven.

Put yourself in her shoes. She made a terrible mistake. Shouldn't she be allowed to pay for her mistake to help her heal as well?

I feel like asking a neighbor to care for 3 animals for 10 days without checking in is quite a bit to ask. You know you saved money by not boarding them and anything could else have happened too. Also, you hold some responsibility by not being perfectly clear in start and end dates and not checking in.

I'm not saying you are at fault, I'm just saying that holding this person entirely responsible is not completely honest.

Setting a good example for your kids by recognizing a mistake, letting it be paid for and then forgiving said mistake will go a long way. You don't have to be social with your neighbor, but this is a teachable moment.

Oh how awful, I'm so sorry this happened to your family. First, I'm sorry you're getting so many 'ideas' on how to keep this from happening- pretty irrelevant at this point, and I'm sure you've already gone over all this in your head. Ugh.

Anyway, putting myself in this position I just don't see myself forgiving that easy. Actually, I could forgive, but I could never forget and I don't think I could be around that person. And I'm pretty sure no one could convince me otherwise. Even if I could accept that it was a misunderstanding, it's just too awful.

That said, I think the more pressure your husband feels to move on, the more he will dig his heels in. Simply let him know you want to understand where he is coming from and meet him there. Make sure he knows that you are on his side and will accommodate his wish to avoid this person for as long as it takes. It may feel awkward, but his feelings are more important than social issues. If you need to, just tell the neighbor that he is having a hard time and you hope she understands that he needs time away from her. Simple as that. No need to make her feel worse, I understand that she feels bad and I'm sure is beating herself up over this more than you know. But it is what it is, and she will have to understand.

Hubby will move forward much quicker without the pressure, and with the space and support to grieve this horrible loss. Bless you and your family.

Hi, A.:

It sounds like you didn't have a written agreement.
It also sounds like your husband made a mistake in the
date the neighbor was suppose to care for the animals.

Regardless, now the relationship is broken.
How to repair the harm.

Call your local mediation center and ask
a mediator to help restore the relationship
by getting everyone together in a mediation session.
Good luck.
D.

This is a horrible tragedy. However, I feel you are being too hard on your pet sitter. Yes, she does have some responsibility for this, but you share some as well. Maybe I don't understand the entire story, but during that whole week that she thought your were back, did you check in with her to see how things were going? With emails and cell phones, it's real easy to do. Anyway, it's an awful thing that happened, and I hope you, your family, and your neighbor are able to move forward.

OMG. I am so so sorry!!!!! Hugs to you all. That is such a tough one. What has the neighbor said? Did she not notice that you guys weren't back? I would personally wait til your husband has recovered a bit from this and then when he is ready, have the neighbor over to talk about this and really apologize. I can only imagine the pain you all are feeling right now. I would give your hubby time and let him know you are there to support him in whatever way he needs you to. If he wants to stay away from events for awhile, do that----As far as the neighbor goes, he will have to go at his own pace with the relationship again. You can tell your neighbor privately that you know it was an accident etc but your husband needs time to grieve and is devastated by this. Tell her whatever ways she can help respect that and not do any further damage. I wish I had more advice. Hugs to you and your family.

M