How to Deal Wth Teachers and Staff Who Play Favorites

Just my perspective, as a pretty typical, fairly laid back mom - this just sounds kind of over the top. Why not start with the teacher and go from there?

Life ain't fair. He may as well start to learn this sooner rather than later.

I think the only thing you can do is have a discussion with the teacher / principle.

ETA: I just read your SWH and find it fascinating. In my original answer, I asked you some questions for clarity. You've chosen not to answer those so far, but I think you'll find that others are going to ask the same thing.

Can you say more about what you feel was so harsh about you or your son? As a former teacher, I can assure you that there are plenty of reasons why a kid gets a trigger to behave in a certain way. And there may be plenty of favoritism going on, as you say. But your question was, how to deal with it. So I gave you some pointers on the best way to handle it within the structure of the school. Are you offended that I suggested a school psychologist? The point of that is to put an objective set of eyes in the classroom to look at all the kids, the room parents, and the teacher to see what's okay and what's off. And I didn't say a thing about you! You may be entirely correct in your observation - but if you use certain language in talking to the administration, you'll find roadblocks. And getting a lawyer up front will cost you a fortune! Just trying to help but if you don't want it, that's okay.

Original answer:

Most schools don't allow parents in the same classroom as their own children on a daily basis. There is too much confidential info at stake. And that's without getting into the exam question issue.

It's not unusual, though, to refrain from publicly lauding a kid who is great in math and one who is great in reading and so on. That just makes other kids feel unrecognized, which is just the sort of thing you are so against.

If you respect the teacher, how is it that your kid feels demoralized, unwanted, and less worthy than kids whose parents are sucking up to the teacher? Aren't you also saying that the teacher is incapable of recognizing sycophant behavior? Then how do you respect her? Do you mean you respect the differences between you?

How do you know about the exam questions?

If your son has behavior problems (real or if he's being accused), then shouldn't you contact the school psychologist and ask for him/her to observe your child in the classroom environment when you and no other parents are there? I'd have a meeting with the psychologist, any learning specialists who can help a kid who is a strong reader to perform well in other areas, and perhaps the principal if you don't get a satisfactory plan of action.

Be very careful about making accusations. If your child is being picked on, I get that there can be a vicious circle of him then acting out during play time or class time, which makes him more angry. But it may be at the point where other kids are getting privileges because they are behaving better than he is. He may need some help to get back on track.

I would pursue this route before looking for legal help and talking about corruption. You'll get no cooperation from the administration if you just make accusations with no proof.

If you are there witnessing this doesn't that make you a room mom?

So you saw this one day and you think that is evidence? Look at the sentence I just wrote, does that convince you you have no evidence? You would probably say no, that would be reasonable because you are hearing from me once, on this day. I could be cranky, I could be wrong, I could be right but this one answer is not enough to determine anything. Neither is one day.

In the end there is no legal remedy. The remedy is you find a new school for your son, this one may not be the right fit. This isn't corruption, this is just your perception based on one day. This probably is a better place to see advice rather than somewhere local. If people could figure out what school you are talking about more than likely you would be the one in legal trouble. You can't make claims of corruption or lack of integrity based on nothing but your opinion from one day's interaction.

What does being an "exceptional reader" have to do with your son's behavior during playtime? "Yeah he threw a rock at that girl, but wow, he sure can read!"

If you can't beat them, join them - do more volunteering related to school stuff.

Either that, or, yes, a "legal remedy" - sue the teacher (civil penalty), have that mom arrested (criminal penalty)...maybe more I haven't thought of....

Life isn't fair. The sooner you accept that your son may not feed into this self inflicted pity party you've created.

ETA: One more point about volunteering....When I could not be physically present in the building or at planning meetings, I would volunteer by buying the supplies needed for parties/crafts. I also prepped or cut volumes of sight words, pumpkins, groundhogs,math fact triangles and made numerous batches of play dough for the classroom. I would assemble in the evening after kids in bed and send or drop off at school the next day. So there are numerous ways to volunteer at school if you can't be present during school hours. You just have to put forth the effort to find out how.

In that one day you, how many incidents did you witness?

Did you document these incidents?

Why didn't you bring it to the attention of the teacher/principal that day?

What documentation of favoritism do you have?

What documentation of stolen test answers do you have?

How old is your child?

There is a lot of accusations and blaming in your story, and your undertones of anger and defensiveness make it very hard to believe any of it is true. It also comes across as though you are blaming everybody else and taking none of the responsibility yourself.

The working parents in our district volunteer and make it a point to the volunteer coordinator that they can only volunteer in evening. Our district then coordinates party planning meetings, etc. in pm so they can participate. But the parent must speak up. Schools also now a days have several family day activities and evening. These are great ways to get involved with the schools and network with the teachers.

Lots of people work, but the ones that have children who feel 'demoralized and unwanted' and a victim of favoritism make a point to make themselves available to the school to ensure their child has a positive school experience, and don't run to the legal system.

I believe there can be bad teachers and classrooms, but I suggest you cool off, document the incidents and start asking questions to clarify what you think you are seeing.

I think you need to stop focusing on what kind of treatment other kids are getting and only focus on your own child's needs. Why do you feel your son is demoralized and feels unwanted? Did he tell you this? Or did you just happen to be witness to a less than stellar playtime behavior or his (and see those emotions on his face during the incident), and then happen to be witness to other children getting positive recognition? If so, I can imagine that stung. We all want good experiences for our children at school, good relationships with teachers, and for them to be motivated and happy. Since you are not able to be at school often, you can't assume that every volunteer or room mom's child escapes correction. Or that your son and other kids who have working parents are never recognized for their positives. You're only seeing a very small piece of the big picture. What specific examples do you have that point to teacher bias? If you are ready to complain to someone, you're going to need some solid examples that support your accusation. If your son has an issue, talk to him about it. What's going on? If he has issue with his teacher, step up and help him bridge communication to address his concerns respectfully. Leave other students out of it. You will get no where with trying to address other student's records due to privacy laws. If you really feel he's not in a good school, start looking for alternatives.

Your response to Diane doesn't make sense to me. She's a long time mamapedia person and goes to great lengths to be fair minded and civil. I have never known her to be aggressive toward anyone. She asked questions for clarity. I believe you are on the defensive. I think her ETA demonstrates her character.

You witnessed all of this (according to your SWH) that day (which I interpret as one day) and you've made a lot of conclusions. There may be some favortism going on. I'm sure there are people at work who you prefer to work with. They would be your favorites.

I am not defending the teacher. I think it's unreasonable to make many conclusions after one event at school. I volunteered every week in my daughter's kindergarten class. I saw so much stuff on a regular basis. Teachers are human with so much pressure from many directions. If you believe your son is suffering at this school, you might look into a different school for him.

Speak to the teacher first, and then the principal.

I found nothing 'harsh' about Diane's suggestions. As a parent who volunteered a lot at the school, I agree with her perspective. The fact that you saw some things on ONE day and are making assumptions about the entire school year is puzzling to me. How do you think she departed from civil conversation? By asking reasonable questions? That's absurd.

By the way, my son was expressly bullied for two years and made to feel like sh*t about himself from his last teacher and SPED teacher... guess what I did? Exhausted all reasonable options and now we homeschool. I get it that you want things to get 'straightened out', but the parents who are happiest with the results aren't usually the ones who would chose to get litigious as a first step.

Some of what you say makes very little sense.

You state that you were at the school one time for an event, yet you state that your son gets picked on for "any move" during playtime and class. Then you say that you can't be at the school as a room mother or volunteer. But you have a pretty comprehensive picture of what's going on in the school for someone who isn't there.

Students who are advanced readers or math whizzes aren't usually recognized during a regular school day. They may occasionally win an award, or a competition, but being a great reader doesn't mean that less-than-acceptable behavior gets overlooked.

And how could you witness a theft of exam questions, and their distribution to other students, without speaking up? If the older children who got the answers aren't in your son's class, then it is up to their teacher to monitor this situation, not yours.

How does your son express his demoralization and not being wanted? What are the signs you're seeing? Have you gone to the school counselor? (And if you do, make it about your son, not complaints about less-capable children and thieving parents and suck-up mothers.)

And, I fail to see where anyone used bad manners in her responses. You asked for opinions and got them. I urge you to focus on your son and carefully evaluate his behaviors.

I know plenty of mothers, including myself, who work full time but manage to volunteer.

the notion that your child is being 'picked on' to the extent of teachers going after him during playtime is pretty paranoid.
how do you know that a parent stole exam questions?
how did you handle it?
if you feel the school is actually corrupt and in need of investigation because your child isn't getting enough recognition for being 'exceptional' then my guess is that you're very personally wound up in your child's social standing and that your own feelings of entitlement are getting rattled.
but hey, give 'er a whirl. i'd be interested in seeing what a lawyer says when you try to get a 'legal remedy' for parents who 'suck up.'
khairete
S.

Per your SWH it sounds like you are only interested in answers that support your stance.

Diane is a longtime member here, very respectful and insightful. Maybe you need to look in the mirror at yourself and understand why more details are requested.

It is asinine to even suggest legal counsel for something like this. An attorney will laugh in your face.

I've also been in education 16 years and I strongly suggest you do not go on attack mode at the school and suggest things are happening that you do not know for fact.

Think of your child who will progress up the grade levels. Teachers know who problem parents are and those trying to cause trouble.

Before you get so critical you go do volunteer work in the classroom and see for yourself how hard the teachers work for ALL students. Maybe you can gain better appreciation and respect for those who teach your child.

You don't say how old your son is or give many specific examples or details for us to go on, so all we have to base our answers on are the brief words you've posted.

Instead of making unprovable accusations based on very limited observations and hearsay (did you actually OBSERVE the other mom steal the test?? If not, it's hearsay), why don't you find a way to get involved and show your child that you are a partner in education with your child's teacher and school?

I think you should get involved and volunteer whenever you can. Maybe ask to adjust your work hours one day a month to go in and help in the classroom or use some vacation or paid time off. Or, maybe volunteer to help with after school functions through your PTA or whatever school organization you have.

I volunteered and was at the school all the time for years---room parent, general parent volunteer, PTA board, committees, functions, whatever was needed, so I was quite familiar with the workings of the school and knew most of the teachers very well. I saw plenty of parents---moms and dads---who worked outside the home coming in to volunteer, so I know it can be done.

My son did not receive special treatment because of my involvement at the school. In fact, there were times when he came home disappointed because he wasn't chosen as leader of the month or other such things. My job was to help him learn to deal with it and move on, not complain that the teacher unfairly overlooked him.

How do you know your son is feeling "demoralized" and "unwanted? Are you projecting your own feelings onto him?? Again, we don't know because you didn't give any examples other than him not being publicly recognized for being a great reader.

I'm not saying there are never instances of playing favorites, in school or anywhere else, because we all know that life is not fair. The real issue is how will you teach your child to deal with it? How will you teach him to be strong and persevere instead of feeling like a victim? How will you help learn the necessary social skills to navigate the disappointments and unfairness of life? Jumping from one day of observations to thinking about legal action for unprovable accusations is a pretty big and rather unrealistic, dramatic stretch, don't you think?

As for your harsh words for Diane, it seems as though you are just looking to be offended. I've been on this board for at least 9 years, and in that time, I've never witnessed her being cruel or unkind to anyone. She has always been diplomatic, and even when she's delivering advice that the poster may not want to hear, it's always done with respect and for the benefit of the person asking.

I hope you rethink your role in this and find a way to help your son by being a proactive agent in his education.

Just my thoughts on the matter.

If the school is that corrupt, then leave it and send your son to another school or home school.
That level of corruption means they are covering for each other and you'll never prove a thing - and the lawyer will cost you plenty in the mean time.

your comment ... mis understood... .WOW.
the way i read your original was that you feel your kids not one of the favorites and you wanna take legal action about it.. (which is overkill in my opinion)
after reading the swh.. i think your feel your being bullied and are lashing out to make yourself feel better.
you need to step back and realize the world does not revolve around you. your kids not the favorite.. because there isn't one. don't be upset that the teacher didn't pick favorites. yes its upsetting when someone else disciplines our child that we thought was not doing anything wrong. but if she lets your kid do something just because your there too then shes gotta let every kid do that same thing which could result in chaos in the classroom.

These are two different issues. You ask for a legal remedy.

Not much you can do if certain people click and this year your son and teacher do not. I've seen it and sometime my kids might be a 'shining star' and other years not so much. They have not been picked on nor they are not trouble makers. I know some kids are labeled (usually for good reason) and unfortunately this label sticks for years to come. If Ethan is a known hitter/strangler of other children most have an eye on him (since the parent's child made have been choked in the past). One false move by Ethan, even if Ethan did not plan to attack will get attention of 4 volunteers.

There are also 'clicky' type moms, so not sure if these women are

I happen to know several struggling students who are recognized for perseverance or some other reason during assembly. It is nice when these kids get an award. My kids are not the ones picked for this. They also noticed some of the one who have a hard time are often picked. it it is almost to the point where my kids would not want to be picked. I recall a friend in college joking that she was pray to not be picked for these awards back when she was in grade school because in her mind for her school it was not the best/brightest kids. I have seen strong academy kids also get picked, so it is not only for the ones who struggle.

If an adult stole exam questions and you have proof, you should report it. I am not sure how you can prove it.