How to Explain to a 6 Year Old News of a Dying Friend...

Dear Lorelei... You have such a wonderful heart. Your son is blessed to have such an awesome Mom. I lost someone at an early age and I was devastated to learn someone MY age could actually die! We made a card for his family. WHile that was polite, I now understand it helped me deal with my feelings, as well. I feared I MIGHT DIE just like my friend. (Thankfully we discussed it and I realized this was just something rare as this was the only child around me who ever died and all of my friends were still with me.) Seeing his parents cry taught me that they were also dealing with an unbelievable hurt, too. And I learned to see beyond myself at an early age.

As to what to tell him... I wish I'd been told that some people are only here on Earth for a short time. That sometimes God answers a prayer for wellness by bringing them to him to stop the pain and sickness they are feeling. That he'd be missed by all who knew him but that his purpose for being here with us was done and that God had a special job for him in Heaven. That, he'd never be forgotten and that one day, I'd see him again when I went to be with God when I was old and took my last breath. Hearing the "when I was old" would have really helped me.

I DID learn about Heaven at an early age which has always given me something to look forward to! No more tears, sickness or anything negative! And that GOD will care for his friend should give him great comfort...

Expect him to be tired and out of it. Give him breaks. Let him talk to you about it or draw pictures. He may need a night light or more of your time at bedtime. CUDDLE him even more than normally! Watch him for signs and let him lead your discussions when HE needs to talk.

I will be praying for you and the child's family. GOD be with you! L.

First - my prayers are with you as you tell your son about this and my prayers are with your friend and her family as they face this. Our God is an awesome God and I pray that He will give you a peace about how to explain to your son about 'friend's' passing away. Try to be as truthful with your son as you can. From talking to friends who've experienced death of another at an early age (myself included), truth tempered with love and understanding are best. I was not told why grandpa wasn't there anymore, so I really never got to say goodbye. I was only three, but I remember all the sadness in my family, and back then the body was brought to the home for final viewing! Children are very aware of their surroundings and what's going on. They pick up on sadness and anxiety. Anyway, I'm praying for you all and hope your son understands. He has an amazing family for support. Trust in the Lord and He'll get you through this.

God Bless

Lorelei,

My 7 year old (also gifted boy)is in Cub Scouts. They have a wonderful activity book called "Cub Scouting's BSA® Family Activity Book". It is $4.99 and can be bought at any Scout Shop or online at http://www.scoutstuff.org/BSASupply.

You do not have to be a scout to buy it. There is a page on death/long term illness with family activities and books that are age appropriate listed in it.

If you can't get to your local cub scout store get me your email and I'll send you the 2 pages for your reference this week.

It really is a good activity book for all families with elementary age kids and also has chapters on moving, managing money, accepting differences about people, mealtimes, siblings, etc.

Cathy

There is an awesome book called Heaven for Kids by Randy Alcorn. It is biblical, and nice for kids. I'm sure there are other good books out there as well. My daughters 3 yr old friend died unexpectedly this year with her were able to have just simple conversations but there is a big difference in a 3 yo and 6yo mentality. We are sending our prayers!

Hi Lorelei: A tough question. I have a 6-year-old grandson who is living with us (the whole family is living with us during military training that his dad is doing). I find that at age 6, some children (mainly boys I think) are somewhat fascinated with dying or at least talking about it, while probably not FULLY understanding it. My grandson will ask about my father and when I tell him that he died a few years ago after he got really sick and was in the hospital, he wants to talk about it and talk about him.
I told him that God was ready for my father to come home to heaven and live with him and he seems to be reassured and comforted with that thought. Also I think talking about it helps the child know the person who is gone (or dying) and helps strengthen the family bonds or friendship bonds in your case, in general. With a young person or child dying, it is of course harder, as it is unexpected and unusual.

I pray for you and your family and of course, the family of the ill child. As your child is smart and has some ability to understand these concepts, I would be straight with him if and when he asks...and perhaps tell him the situation even if he does NOT ask, if you think he would appreciate knowing and would be able to handle it.

Lorelei--I am so sorry! This is terrible.

I was 15 when my mother died, but my sister was seven. It is very hard to understand permanent loss at that age. My sisters and I got a wonderful book from a very caring friend when my mom died. It is by Leo Buscaglia and it is called, "The Fall of Freddy the Leaf". It will help. It comes in and out of print, but Amazon usually has a couple of copies at least. It is worth it.
My kids have a fantastic grandmother, so they noticed early that they were missing one. My father never remarried and is a less than active grandparent. They missed my mom right away, even though they had never met her. I would say that you can help your kids talk about what they want to talk about and the good memories that they have whenever THEY want to. It helps.
An older friend of ours passed away when my eldest (now 13) was about 6. He went with his dad to the funeral. And did the gravesite thing. He called me when it was over, crying and said, "Momma, I watched them put Mr. Gus in the ground."

I dealt with death with my 6 yr old as well. As classmate at school dad died suddenly at 37. I went to our church library, talked to the children's minister and got info to help me help him deal with it. If you do not have access to a church library, there should be lots of books at the regular library, ask the librarian. My son dealt with it very well. Big things I found were that 6 yr old DO NOT understand the permanence of death yet. I was told it is still a few years before they REALLY understand that. The other was not to sugar coat. Use the real words: died, dead, gone to heaven, with Jesus, etc. Do not say went away, sleeping, etc. That will confuse kids. It is a hard topic to deal with, but one we all face. Some parents try to shield their kids, but later when the kid finds out, it becomes a trust issue, that you did not tell them and can backfire. You are doing the right thing. The books you find, might help your friend as well. I hope this helps.
C. in Alpharetta

My mother passed away following a battle with brain cancer. My daughter was 3 at the time. Your note sounds as if you have a deep faith in God as my family does. We explained to my daughter that my mother had to go to Heaven to live with Jesus so she won't be sick anymore. She understands that sometimes people die but it's because they can't get better here ---- only living in Heaven with Jesus can make them well again. We didn't have to tell her something that was untrue and were able to give her peace about the situation... but kept it on a very basic level for her as well.

She's 4 1/2 now and wants to 'visit' my mother in Heaven. We've explained that you can't visit Heaven and she seems to be understanding.

I hope this helps and will pray for you as well as your friends.

I'll pray for your friends little boy. When my step sons uncle passed from Brain cancer. That he had twice and beat but the third time there was really nothing they could do for him. My one step son said one of the most profound things I have ever heard come from anyone about death. When we asked how he was doing he said "well I miss him, but his body is not broken in heaven so I'm ok with it". Wow right? He was 9. It's always best when you believe in heaven to talk about it when you talk about death. I would suggest perhaps talking with your priest. One of their jobs is to help their folks deal with these things. He or she will help in a much more personal way than I could. God bless you, your friends and all the children. Good luck. Remember death is not the end, your son will see his friend again one day

My 6 year old and 5 year old had their best friend die in a car accident. The way we handles it was by telling the truth. We told them that she was in her mom's car and was hit by a big truck. The crash hurt her body so badly that she couldn't take it. We didn't hide anything. We may not think our kids are old enough to handle death, but they are. PLease don't lie. Just be honest. Tell him that his friend was to sick for his body to handle it. Let your child know that his friend's soul will be safe with God.

Do your research, online and at the library on how to explain death to your child. Talk to your minister, for advise. Your story breaks my heart, it is always hard to explain death to young children. It is a great time to minister to your child. Explaining the death of another child is really hard. My 8 year old has had several people die in his lifetime. He was particularly upset when his Great Uncle pasted away. But we were lucky in knowing that he is in Heaven with God our Father. We explained to my 8 year old that since he is a Christian he would see his Uncle again and he would be happy and healthy because he is in Heaven. I will be praying for you and the family you mentioned. I hope you find the help you need.

HI Lorelei,
It sounds like you've gotten a lot of great advice here. I agree with the books and being honest. This is so hard but your son will remember this for life and he will be thankful you were honest. Be open to him and encourage him to ask you anything that comes to mind. I will pray for your family and the friends family. I know God will give you the right answers in such a hard time. I'll be thinking of you!

I am so sorry for what your friends are going through. I guess I'm a little surprised it hasn't come up more often with your son. I also have a six year old... and he brings up death... I guess not A LOT, but often enough that I know he's curious and a little bit anxious about it - and I think that's totally normal. It's kind of hard to escape... I mean, it's a subject in your average disney movie. It's one of topics I think you deal with as questions are asked. Answer the question he asks but don't go much farther or you might be giving information he's not ready for. This is so hard... I'm trying to think of how I'd handle it with my son. And I THINK I would probably prepare him for what is about to happen. The next time he asks about his friend... or maybe sees you upset about it and asks what's wrong... I think I'd be honest about the fact that his friend will probably die. And then deal with the questions and fears he has about it as they come. If he asks about it days or weeks or months after the fact and you tell him his friend has died... that almost seems more scary to me. I don't know if that makes sense, but I think it's how I'd go with it. Good luck to you and my prayers for your friend.

Wishing you luck in this one! My first thought after reading it is that if your son has been raised in a Church, explaining that belief with him will help. Death is not easy because the understanding really is tough, even for adults.
By knowing your God and understanding his love for each of you, he'll understand some of what you tell him.
The little boy is sick, sometimes you don't get better and God doesn't want him to suffer anymore so He took the liitle boy home to Him, where he won't hurt.
If you have a bookstore nearby, there are some books out there that help to explain death to children. Even some Churches have pamphlets and books that try to explain in a childs view. Talk with your pastor/chaplin or children's pastor as see if they can help as well!
We have tried to teach our children about death and they have never been left home while we attend a funeral, especially if it's a friend. Dying is part of life and no matter the age, it is very hard for those left behind. Our memories are a wonderful thing as we can laugh about things we've done together. We never tell our kids that "the person" is just sleeping or looks like they are sleeping! You son will never sleep again!
Don't over explain, if you can help it. This will confuse the kids.
Someone once told me that God doesn't want just old people in Heaven so He sometimes brings children in.
Good luck to you and yours in explaining this one, Gods Blessings to your friends as they experience this. It is the worse thing a parent can go through- been there, have the battle scars, myself. Faith goes a long way to heal them. Never forget! K.

I don't have any advice for you, but just know you & your friend are in my thoughts & prayers. This is so sad! Take care & I love your quote at the end of your "about me." Definitely something I do each day.

Again, hugs your way. This isn't going to be easy.