How to Explain to My Grandaughter That Her Mom Was on Drugs and Could Not Care

i would jsut cross that bridge when you come to it. if she's not asking questions, then don't say anything. but if she does, jsut tell her mommy loves her, but is sick and has some problems and can't take care of her. but that mommy loved her enough to let her live with grandma and poppy since you could take care of her. that should satisfy her, kids that little jsut need simple reassuring answers.

When my daughter, who was 4 at the time, asked why she couldn't stay overnight with her dad, (who is a severe addict and is only allowed supervised visits) I struggled with an answer. The best way I could explain to her is that her dad has an illness called addiction. I explained how it was like a cold but very hard to get rid of and it makes you make bad choices and not be safe. I told her how much I loved her and did not want her to get hurt. She seemed to understand my explanation. I hope this helps you.

This is almost exactly the situation my son's friend grew up in. He's now 18 and doing fine, graduating next month. He and his mom lived with his grandparents until she remarried and had another baby, then for a couple of years he lived with her and her husband, but was with his grandma more often than not. The new husband didn't get along with him well, the parents fought, etc. Eventually they divorced and kid #2 lives with the dad and his parents, and mom's not around much at all and I think is back on drugs. He was very close to his grandparents as he'd always lived with them, and missed them terribly when he lived with his mom and things were tense there. I think they just pointed out how much they loved him and how he'd always lived with them and they missed him so much they wanted him back. But even though he's a wonderful, mostly happy kid, he does have issues in that he feels kind of subconciously that he isn't good enough or that he isn't wanted. So I would say you should always tell her that mommy loves her but isn't very good at taking care of herself and so she can't really take care of anyone else, and that's why she wanted you and poppy to take care of her precious little girl, and that new baby's grandparents are helping to take care of her brother and his parents, and isn't she lucky that her mom loves her enough to make sure that both children have someone to take good care of them? And within a couple of years, I'd get her the best shrink you can find to talk to her over the years and help her understand NOW, while she's very small, that it's her mother who has a problem, not her, and that it's okay to love her mom and forgive her for not being able to take care of either of them. I would be sure to point out that Mommy is not taking care of her brother, the other grandparents are doing it, so she can look at it as both of them being kind of in the same situation. And then just love her lots and lots and let other people love her as much as they can. I love my son's friend and would take him as mine in a second. I made sure that he was always welcome and unjudged here. I'll say a prayer for you.

This is a very touchy subject. But, I think you should just tell her that, even though her mommy doesn't have her, she loves her very much and giving her to you and her poppy was the best thing she could do for her b/c she was sick. Leave it at that. DO NOT tell her what's really going on until she's much older (as in 15 or so) b/c kids have enough things to deal with and DON'T need to hear about how screwed up their mom is. I think it would be very wrong on your part to tell her the truth until she is much older. Just love her (as I'm sure you do) and let her know that you and her poppy are always there for her. Also, it sounds to me like you harbor ill feeling towards your daughter, which may be valid, but don't talk bad about her mom to her. Let her form her own opinion when she's older; which I'm sure will be the same as yours. I think that telling her bad stuff about her mom, especially now, would damage her. Please listen to this advice. Too many times I've seen kids grow up talking bad about their parents and their only 5! Kids that young should just be worried about what game to play or waht snack o choose, not the problems of their parents.

S.

First, let me tell you how wonderful that you have taken this little girl into your home. This is a very tough situation. Let her know that you and her grandfather loves her very much. That is the truth- drug/alcohol addiction is a illness. Explain to her that she would not be safe at her house. Keep things simple, but truthful. Answer her questions truthfully and honestly but on a level she can understand. You may also want to think of counseling- either with a professional or a clergy member. Another avenue of support would be her doctor. They may be able to point you in the right direction.

god bless you grandmother. I'm not sure how you should handle the situation but I feel that when the time comes that god will lead the way.
Jen

Hello, D.~

God bless you and your husband for what you are doing!

You have received some very good advice here. Let me add just one thing: as soon as your granddaughter is old enough, get her some professional counseling, preferably with a Christian. This is why I say this- My own Mom was raised from birth to 13 years old by her grandparents. Her parents had lived with his parents, and when they were expecting the next child, moved into their own place and left her there. When her Grandma died, Mom had to go live with her parents and siblings; back in those days it was believed a man should not raise a child, especially a girl. Grandpa immediately found a live-in babysitting job for her to do. Mom just turned 85. It still bothers her that she never knew why "Mom and Dad gave me away to Grandma and Grandpa. Why didn't they love me, too?" She was the oldest of a very large family. She actually had a much better life than them, except for being raised like an only child and lonely. She had clothes on her back and plenty of food and got to go to school every day. Her dad was an alcoholic until I was around 12, when he went for "the cure," and literally could not stomach the smell of aftershave w/alcohol base anymore. It seemed to work; I don't know why it isn't done anymore. Anyway, my dear Grandma raised a huge house full of kids with absolutely no help except the other kids, nothing from Grandpa but money if he had it. You can imagine it was not easy. When I was little and Great-Grandpa could no longer stay alone, he came and lived with us. Mom was so happy to have him there!

It's extra hard because there is another child they kept. It feels like you weren't good enough, but the other(s) was/were.

Anyway, all that to say this: without good help to deal with this early in life, it can be painful for nearly a century. I know you don't want that for your little angel.

Thank you for loving your granddaughter.

Blessings,
S.

My sister is in the same situation. Her Grandchildren are now 7 and 8. Mom occasionally comes around the family if she needs money, etc,, She has caused problems for years. The kids are old enoug now to form opions of thier own. The youngest still misses her although she never really lived with her. They hear other kids at school talking about they are also being raised by GP and I think it helps. It stinks that your child acts this way and it is a hard but rewarding job to parent your grandkids. Good Luck and later you might consider counseling if they have issues. Sometimes thay need someone to talk to that will not get mad at them or leave them (in thier opion and fear)
God Bless You!

Hi, D. V,listen I sent a message to a D. P.,that I thought was going on public.That's what I intended. You can ask D. P. for that message as it was for YOU as well as her. If you can get it changed into the public domain,that would be well.If not,so be it.I can re-write the letter to you if you want.I wrote down the exact thing I wanted to say,so I do have a copy to re-submit to you. Love to you and for being such a loving and courageous Grandparent to your daughter's little girl. I commend you.God Bless above all else.*** S. L.

Hi D., I come from a situation like this. My parents adpted me at 11 mo. old. Both my parents were drug addicts and my birth mother recently died of Hep B and Cirosis of the Liver. If her mother is still using, like you metioned above, I would find some way of cutting off any one on one contact between her and your grandaughter. But not all considering her new sibling.I was seperated from mine and it still causes a great deal of pain, but my grandparents became Mom and Dad and I dont regret having contact with the birth parents. Well, I would try not to talk about the drug issue. Shes not going to understand that until shes a pre teen. I would recommend just reminding her that you love her and want her to be with you. There is a book called "Runaway Bunny" I found at wallmart I would recommend replacing the word Mommy with whatever she calls you. Any way, I realize you are in a very tough spot, and I commend you for your love and bravery. I wish you and yours the best and if you ever want to contact me feel free.

M.