How to Foster Independent Play in a Toddler

I think independent play comes with age. My son had just turned 2 (the day before) the new baby arrived and he would play by himself for awhile, but now that he is almost 3, he can play for hours by himself...really cute imaginative play with dinosaurs, fireman, etc... Often, I will "set up" my sons toys in a creative way so he wants to play with them...line up all his trucks, set up dinos in a scene, set up his play food on plates with stuffed animals and he will happily run to them to play....

Hi D..
I went through something similar with our firstborn. It is a process. I thought I would go crazy. But she will become more independent and play for longer periods of time, over time. To start out... get her started with something (like the play-doh you mentioned) and ask her to see if she can make ___ while you go ___ (something a few steps away...in the same room). Get up from the playdoh for 30 seconds to a minute, do whatever you said (stir the pot on the stove; empty 2 or 3 things out of the dishwasher) then come right back and ask to see how far she got. Praise her for how great it is. Show her something/make something else with her. After a few more minutes... repeat (step away for a few moments).
Do this with any number of things. Make a game of it... see how many legos she can build into a tower while you swap a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer. Don't stay gone too long on the beginning, but once she starts getting excited to show you her accomplishments upon your return, you can add a few seconds here and there. OVER TIME, you will be able to work up to a few minutes at a time. And then, again, OVER TIME, you will be able to be "away" for 5 minutes or so.
You can encourage independent play, but developmentally, she isn't really ready to play independently for more than a few minutes. It can be frustrating... but by the time another baby arrives, she will be fine. And will even be able to help you by bringing you things, and "entertaining" her new sibling. And the new sib will help keep HER "entertained" as well.

I was almost insane by how much "work" my son was at that age... but by the time he was 5 he could disappear into his room with a tub of bionicles (lego robot things) and not come out for ages. And by the time he was old enough to be outside without me standing RIGHT THERE, he could go out and STAY out until I forced him back inside... without a single toy... just making up stuff out of sticks, leaves and dirt (typical boy stuff). He is 11 now. And will be outside ALL DAY if I let him (or in his room). Without me doing a thing to get him started with something or keep him interested. I have NEVER once heard him complain... "I'm bored". EVER.

Try to be patient. As she grows, she will grow into independent play as well. Don't expect too much of that just yet, though. Teach her how in small steps.

Enjoy!

Hello D.,

I'm a parent coach who specializes in the toddler years. Independent play is hard for a toddler. Their attention span is very short and they have a hard time understanding why you are not paying attention to them, since they are the center of the world, in their eyes.

I my suggestion is to find something she really likes, like coloring, painting, blocks, playdough or dolls. Next praise when she plays with that favorite activity alone. Toddlers love and respond well to praise. Then have the materials for that activity available for her to get alone, then praise her for playing with that alone.

Start with dinner prep time. Tell her it's time for you to cook dinner & she needs to play _____ (name a spot), and ask what she'll play with. If she starts to "bug" you, redirect to her activity, setting boundaries, (this is not play time). Praise can be phrases like "I really appreciate it when you can play alone for a while" or " You're being so helpful, I can play with you when I'm done." "You're being such a great help by playing so nice."

It will take some time, but as long as you are consistent, it will work.

Good Luck!

R. Magby

I don't have an answer for you, but can tell you that you're not alone! My son is 25 months and loves to play...with me. If I give him play-doh, he wants to watch me make something. If we get out crayons, I have to draw trains over and over and he won't do anything on his own if I stop. He loves puzzles, but I have to be there doing it with him, even if he won't let me touch the pieces! Ditto with trains, trucks, etc. He can do all of these on his own, he just refuses if I'm there.

His best friend is the same way and her mother and I hide during play group so they will play with the other kids or even by themselves and not make us do it. It's not that we don't want to play with them, but we need some downtime, too!

He's even getting to only want to do things with me at Gymboree, too.

I've noticed that if I am gone from the room and his papa is there, my son will have daddy play for a bit, but then tell him to go and will play nicely alone. Or, if they are both playing and I walk into the room, my son immediately stops playing with my husband and only wants to play with me. It makes my husband very sad.

It's not that he's super clingy because he always happily goes to Parents Day Out or any other activity where I have to drop him off and doesn't even look back.

We have asked our Parents as Teachers person to bring some ideas with her about this to our next visit in two weeks. Maybe she'll have answers, but I really think it's just his age and a phase.

One thing I would add to the good advice you've already gotten is to get her started by playing with her, then tell you there is something you need to do (no doubt, there are tons of things you really do need to do). Tell her you will be back in a few minutes, or a little while, whatever chunk of time you honestly will be off folding laundry, putting dishes away, whatever. Leave her alone, do your thing, and let her do whatever she's going to do for that time. Hopefully she'll continue to play, but even if she stops playing and starts to cry or call for you, leave her be. Then, come back when you said you would. Play with her, uninterrupted for 15 or 20 minutes, then get up again to do some other chore. The idea is that you will be able to get up and leave her to play independently for longer stretches as you go. Good luck!

The most important support is to allow yourself to step back. My daughter played by herself from the very beginning (when she started playing at a few months old) and I always had a tendency to involve myself in her play, because I felt guilty for "not paying attention" to her. It was my mom, who helped us out for a few months, when I started going back to work, who taught me to step back and just observe.
I think we generally have a tendency to want to "help" our kids, correct or lead their play in a certain way....
Free play, without an adult's guidance or interruption is incredibly important for your child's development.
As for suggestions: two year olds typically start showing interest in imaginative and role play. My daughter's favorites are dolls and housekeeping (play - kitchen). She also likes lego (duplo) and arts (crayons and paint dabbers).
You have to develop a tolerance to her playing "wrong" and not using toys exactly as they are intended to be played with. That's part of their imagination. Also if she is not used to free play, you may start with short times of short play, or play with her first and then let her play by herself for a few minutes, increasing the time slowly. It is not realistic to believe that she will play by herself for more than 30 minutes at a time at this age - occasionally it happens, but it's more an exception.

Parents will always be a favorite play thing when they are around..

If I was doing things in the kitchen, sometimes, I would put our daughter in her high chair with toys to play with on the tray. Her high chair had wheels so I could push her around the house..

Playdo would be perfect.. I also had a handbag that she played with and I would put strange things in the bag and switch out the stuff.. She loved looking in it and putting stuff back in.. I would ask her to find a doll, a block, a blue thing.. etc..

Sometimes, I would have her "help me" wash dishes... I would give her some plastic stuff and a wash cloth with warm water and she would wipe them, then I would give her a dry wash cloth and tell her it is time to dry them..

Stacking cups, cars, blocks are all things that can be played in there..

When I did laundry, I would have her help me by having her hand me the clothes.. Hand her wet clothes to put in the dryer, take clothes out of the dryer, have her carry dry clothes to the living room, have her divide the clothes by mommies, daddies her clothes, the towels etc... Then we would 'fold' the clothes.. have her help me carry them to the bedrooms.. She had a toy grocery cart to help with all of the transporting..

Our daughter loved all things creative. Colors, washable markers, clay.

She also loved empty boxes, all sizes.. Sometimes we would leave them open on one side she would crawl or climb in and out of them, sometimes we would tape them all up so she could use them a huge blocks.. Sometimes, we let her color, paint or marker them.. Sometimes we would cut holes in them so she could make a tunnel in them..

I would allow her to take all of the pillows and Blankets into the living room and make tents.

Or I would give her 3 items have her hide them so that when dad came home, he would have to find them...

Our daughter loved Puzzles.. She would do them over and over.. I would then give her 2 and she would have to put them together at the same time.. deciding which pieces went with each puzzle.. As she outgrew the puzzles or became bored, I flipped the puzzle out (completed )and had her put the puzzle back together based on just the shapes..

D.,

I took an art class at Isis maternity with my daughter and the teacher specifically said the more you are into playing with the 'medium' (Play-doh, paint, clay, stickers, etc.) the more your child will be into it. I find this to be very true. This is why your daughter happily plays for an hour when you play Play-doh with her and leaves it when you aren't there.

Depending on the task you are taking about 'getting done' and not wanting her around depends on how you can handle it. If it's something like laundry, try to have her help you. Yes, it takes longer but it also teaches her that chores need to be done and how things are done. If I am putting laundry in the machine I ask her to put some in. If I'm folding laundry I try to give her socks to sort (take 2 similar baskets and give her the mound of sorts, show her by putting all the white socks in one basket and all the colored socks in another - I do get out additional socks to have her do this. However you might be surprised by the amount of fun it is) or some other task of that nature so she feels involved. If it's cooking you can involve her in that. kids love to help stir and roll out cookie dough for instints. If it's trying to get dinner ready how about giving her a plastic/play knive and some play food and have her 'cut' her veggies while you cut the real one's. We have the 'learning tower' for my daughter so she is up at counter height which helps. Her play food is from Small Wonders and has velcro to hold the 2 parts together to pretend to cut them in half. We have also gotten a lot of miles just out of her playing with spoons and cups at the counter while I cook.

As for independant play. There is something a teacher friend suggested to me that has worked well for us. Set an egg time for 15 minutes. In that time engaged with your daughter 100%. A lot of eye contact, a lot of talking, all hands on. Once that is over set the time for another 15 minutes. Now you do some engaging with her. Try and encourage her to pick the activity and her to lead you. When that is over set the time for the final 15 minutes. Now only engage with her if she is going to harm herself. Try to be engrossed in your own book right in front of her. If she asks a question you certainly can answer her but try to explain without many words "Mommy's reading right now, later we can play together. You play by yourself now." You want her to understand that it is her turn to do her thing and your turn to do your thing. This has helped us. However, don't think it is the solution the first time. You do need to keep doing it for a while til she gets it.

As for toys my daughter is into - her kitchen set, we have food including a basket with a sandwich (which seems to be the favorite), pots and pans, and a shopping cart. Her dolls and stroller. Puzzles, books, bristle blocks, Fisher Price little people - we have the farm set which she likes and her musical instruments. She loves to dance and listen to music.

Hope this helps,
L.

As some others have said, every kid is different. I have three boys, and the two who are old enough to play could not be more different. My oldest always played well independently, and my 2-year-old needed me to play with him for a good long time. Others have given good suggestions, but one additional idea would be to give your daughter a project when you have your own "project" you need to get done. For example, give her a sheet of stickers and ask her to put one on every can in your pantry. Or ask her to sort her plastic spoons and forks into the right piles. All it will take is occasionally checking on her and saying, oh, good job! You're getting two big piles there! to keep her interested if you find a project she likes (and most kids like stickers).

If you have some stamps and an ink pad, you could also have her play post office and stamp all the "mail." I like to use junk mail or those blow-in cards that fall out of magazines.

Hi D., I think you are definitely on the right track in wanting to do something about this situation right away - you will be giving her a valuable lesson that will help her all through life. She needs to be able to entertain herself and not be dependent on others for that. Does she enjoy playing with her dolls and cooking for them? We have play pots, pans, dishes, etc. as well as plastic food for them to prepare meals and feed their dolls/stuffed animals -- this usually keeps a child occupied for a good half hour when they are playing by themself. Then those large lego-type building blocks that interlock are wonderful for entertaining a single child - our 22-month-old granddaughter will build a "tower" for a good 20 minutes all by herself, allowing me that time to work on my computer in the same room.
Coloring with those fat crayons is another time passer - for this activity, I put our little one in the highchair to eliminate the possibility of coloring on the walls, floors, etc.
Since we also have a few grandsons, we have amassed a good collection of matchbox cars and wooden cars & trucks. I put down a small (3x5) flat rug with roads,etc. printed on it (bought it at a toy store several years ago) and open the box of cars, trucks & trains (little wooden cars of a train with magnetic ends so they "stick" together), and she will sit for at least 20-30 minutes playing with those. I keep the rug rolled up standing in a corner out of the way.
She also loves the stack rings and the toys where you fit shaped pieces into slots and will do these over and over again. All of our toys are "hand-me-downs" from various friends, family, yard sales and second-hand stores and have all been scrubbed in disinfectant for safety. Our 22-month-old also loves to do the 4-5 large wooden piece puzzles and will do the same one several times before becoming bored with it. I really hope this helps, and again I applaud you for wanting to develop this trait in her now as you are helping her develop a characteristic that will serve her all through life. My best to you. Please feel free to contact me with any questions at all. E. Taft ____@____.com

is it normal.. yes..

but every child is different.. my son 2 1/2 says momma play with me.. momma lets color.. lets do trains.. he cant play alone and doenst want to..

My daughter 4.. always played alone.. prefers to be alone.. and never asks me to play withher.. so now she is in preschhol and she doesnt play with the other kids...

so your child is likely very social.. and would enjoy playgroups and other kids..

We had a play kitchen and cash register too, we set it up right in the real kitchen so my daughter could "cook dinner" on one end of the kitchen and I'd prepare the family dinner on the other end.

Maybe consider hiring a neighborhood girl as a Mother's Helper for a few hours to give yourself a break. Ages 9 - 12 are ideal, and it grooms a babysitter for the coming years!

Good luck!

Hi D.,

You've got some great ideas here. The most useful item I have probably ever purchased for my toddler son is The Learning Tower. It allows him to be at counter height with me while I chop, cook, wash dishes, bake, or do anything in the kitchen. He will stand in it for HOURS happily and I just give him various things that are part of whatever I'm doing. He'll dump carrot peels into different containers easily for 20 minutes, he LOVES the salad spinner, he'll eat his snack there, and he'll often bring up his own toys to play with up there if I'm working in the kitchen. It has been a sanity saver and has expanded the enjoyment I have spending time with my son. Although it is expensive, if you have the room for it, I HIGHLY recommend it.

L.