How to Get Hubby on Board with MY Dream (Part-time SAHM)?

I don't know that my suggestion will be any help - since they pretty much involve "trickery" :) My 3rd husband spent money like it was water - I totally ran the finances when we were married and after we got divorced he totally BLEW it big time with his finances with his confusing of "wants" and "needs". When we were married, I basically "stole" money from him (in addition to spending whenever he wanted, he never really ran the numbers to see where his money was going otherwise this wouldn't have worked). I would deposit less of my paycheck or make random withdrawals from the main account and redeposit it into the "secret" account that he didn't know about. Now, I certainly wasn't doing this to truly hide money from him (and this is NOT why we got divorced), but rather so when things came up (and they surely did from time to time), we were not forced to use credit to cover it. He really thought I was "magic" because just when he thought there was no more money for something (I did let him spend a little time during these times kicking himself for being dumb with his own purchases hoping he would learn something from it - never happened, though) - poof, I could make it happen with my "secret" account. When we got divorced, I disclosed the account to him and he wasn't angry one bit. I had kept track of how all the money had been spent over the years and showed him (again, you would have thought he would have learned from this) and what was left in the account at the time of the divorce was split between us pro rata based on our incomes.

Sadly, sometimes husbands are less like partners and more like children in certain respects.

No matter WHAT you decide to do, I wish you luck - finances are a tough thing to argue about.

I'm sorry, you say you are going to start trying for number 2 in the middle of this mess? Not what I would do right now till you get this worked out.

Sit down and write out a complete budget. Sounds like you don't have much in the way of heavy bills. Men need to see concrete things. Show him the numbers. Raising good human beings far outweighs bowling and fishing. And when the kids look back they will remember that mom was there and did things with and for them. I quit work when I had my first as I got put on bedrest and then he was a preemie. My husband was in professional school. Talk about a tight budget but it was more important to us for me to be home with our little one than to be able to go out to dinner or buy a new toy.

It sounds like he likes to dig in his heels when it comes to this. I would suggest going to counseling because you two needs to know how to communicate with each other and work toward compromises. If he won't go, you need to go without him.

Perhaps a good compromise would be to work from home. I just started a part-time job working from home to bring in extra money and hope to be working exclusively from home someday. Send me a private message if you want more information. This is something you could try now while your still working and it may ‘help’ your husband ease into the idea of you working from home and being home with your babies.

I'm not gonna rail on your husband, or get into the debate over sahm, wahm, pt working moms, or ft working moms. But something that would help ALL families, and what we should ALL do regardless of our situation, is pretty basic stuff. Know how much money you have and where it's coming from, and know how much money you spend and where it's going to. Always. I would suggest going through a few months statements and write it all out in categories. For the next month (today is perfect, day one of a new month!) write down every single thing that gets spent (don't let a coke go by without notice). You can average it all out and see where the money is going / month. Then average out all income per month. During this month, be actively working on your plan on how to cut back (you'll have an idea of this before the end of this month, because most of it is probably repetitive or habitual behavior for both of you and you'll see it while going through the last few months' statements). May 1: you have item #1--a list of your income and outgo. You have item #2--the new plan in hand (plan being a budget AND the things you're gonna try to change this). A budget is a list of all expenses you'll encounter and a realistic goal of how much you'll spend for each item listed. (NOT what you have been spending; that's item #1. As item #2, this is now the realistic goal that you should be spending). For things that may come up but you don't have a specific category on your budget list for it, that can go under "miscellanious".
At the top, take off the first 10% for tithes (IF you do that, just telling you what we do). The 2nd 10% goes to savings in a savings account. If you can't save that, then you need to figure out how to before trying for baby #2 or quitting a job, in my opinion. Once you've got that figured up and written on your budget, begin with the rest: mortgage payment, insurances, utilities, maintenances, food, gas, recreation / hobbies, etc. How much does it cost to go bowling every other weekend? I think that's fair. It can't be that much. Fishing, honestly, is not a lot of money......at least not the way we do it, lol. I would suggest he get to do a bowling or fishing trip every other week (and you do something fun and cheap for yourself), and the weekends he's not doing that, you plan for a SIMPLE, INEXPENSIVE date night for you guys. It's healthy. Just plan these things with your new goals in mind. Perhaps you can develop family-friendly hobbies and still have quality time. Develop the understanding that family stuff can be very fun. Kids love to bowl. Kids love to fish. Just tweak your interests and keep family in mind!
Now once you've got this new budget in place, it'll be great to see how the month of May turns out. Check it one day a week (Friday for me, but if you work maybe a Sunday would be better) to see if you're on track during the month. How much money did you save? Show your husband what you're doing. Tell him it's an experiment (I wouldn't mention that it's to see if you can be a sahm yet). If he's on board, cool. If not, don't let it derail you; go ahead and do the plan. When May is over and you've saved a bit, show him what you've done with your documented proof.
A few things I've done that changed things for us: first, I learned how to shop and cook. You can read other things I've written, or message me privately, for more detail on how to do the salespapers, coupons, make a menu, and do all the shopping in 1 day and stick to a BASIC menu. Some people don't feel like doing this and tell me (while crying about not having money) that they can't have a menu because what if something happens that day? Well, then it's a day that is changed. Don't be freakishly dogmatic about something or it won't work. But have a basic plan, posted, and go with it as well as you can. Sometimes I have Tuesday's dinner on Thursday, and vice versa. So what? You get the idea. I started saving about $30 every week just on groceries alone by sticking to this plan. $30/week x 50 weeks/year (Obviously Thanksgiving and Christmas are not the same as the other weeks of the year for us)......that's $1,500 a year just in food!!! Dropping my husband's cellphone plan and adding him on to me with that add a line for 9.99 thing saved us $20/month ($240/yr). Consolidating my trips to town and shopping so that I don't go back and forth to the same area all the time, but do the shopping on that side of the tracks the same day I take my son to storytime at the library and have a planned playdate with friends that same day......I've just done 3 things in one day and in the same 3 mile radius instead of making that trip 3 times in one week (gas) . Cutting off the TV when we're not actively watching, washing clothes in cold water, setting the thermostat for just 3 degrees higher and lower is gonna all save some money and not hurt your lifestyle. Seeking out free things (use the internet or a local free magazine!) to do in your community for fun instead of the same old dinner and a movie trap improves your spending habits AND you have fun changing things up a bit. There's a million ways to save money in weird little ways. I personally save probably $5-7/week in refraining from picking up a coke at the cooler by the cash register! Silly! Instead of buying individual gatorades for my husband, I can be a little green AND save some money by buying the bulk powder and mixing the water myself. Make a game of it. We don't do without anything, honestly. But we do live frugally. Sometimes we delay something we'd like to have, but we never have to do without altogether. You can do it.
After you made these lifestyle changes, you will be in a better position to know what you can and cannot afford, and if you can or cannot quit working. You can then go on to some more planning: what am I going to do to be a great sahm, and not turn into a bum? I AM a sahm, so don't freak out on me for saying that! Some women are amazing, and I just shake my head watching them. Others are totally lazy and make things hard on the rest of us, because those husbands are talking! What will you be doing when staying at home? I personally like the old "homemaker" term better than "stay at home mom" because #1 it's a JOB and #2 I so do not stay at home much at all.
Next, price things as if you were having a baby. (I think it's best to go "worst case scenario and price the formula even if you plan to breast feed) Insurance copays: what does your plan cover? Baby stuff you already have, what you may need---would you be willing to shop on craigslist.org for a lot of it? Price things and see how much it'd cost to get set up. Now pretend the baby is here: $22.50-25.97 for a thing of formula, wipes, diapers every week. Copays for wellbaby visits. Baby soaps and lotions every so often. How much money have you been saving monthly with this new budget and the new savings plan? This will help you see if you can afford a baby now, or if you need to make some more changes first. In the meantime, I would put the money you are saving into the savings account since you have no real debt to pay off. It's just a good practice. We've payed off our cars, but we still make the payments, this time to a high interest account we found. Everyone, working or not, baby or not, needs to have several months worth of living expenses saved up, so this is good practice regardless of what your husband thinks right now about you staying home.
And finally, I had worked my whole life (since 13 years old!) and when dating my husband I worked as an inspector and would put in 84-104 hours a week, no lie!!! I changed careers to get married, and the whole first year of marriage (and pregnancy---got pregnant 6 weeks after the wedding) I worked 2 jobs. 40 hours/week M-F at one job, and a retail job Sat-Sun for 12 hours/week. Honestly, we did not know I was not going to return to work after our baby was born. But here he is, beautiful, perfect, totally dependant on us, and a PREEMIE so we were a little more protective than normal. I asked my husband if it'd be ok if I didn't return to work, and he was ok with that (because we already knew our financial situation and we had the habit of living below our income). But I was well aware of the fact that this was my JOB and I made sure to make my home.....a home! Dinner on the table, lunches packed so he wasn't eating out, learning to cook and budget and all of it, the house decent (never perfect, but not embarassing if guests came over unexpectedly), the boys thriving and growing in every way. I made a weekly AND daily routine (used flylady.com to help me with the idea) to make sure everything gets done. It's all printed in a folder, that and my menu and shopping stuff, the children's lesson plans that I come up with to make sure I touch on things my preschooler needs to learn in every area, etc. It's all there and I "presented" it to my husband as if I was presenting something to a boss or a partner. It made him recognize that I take this seriously and will be a good steward of my time, and he respects that and can encourage me whole-heartedly. Another part of "the plan" I presented to him: I am currently studying now to refresh and catch up on school stuff. In the summer, I will begin going back to school; online classes, about 2 at a time (it's been 15 years!). When my youngest (4 months old) is old enough for mother's day out (about 3 yrs old) I will schedule it for days that I will spend MORE time in school. When he starts real school, I will either be finished with my own schooling and begin working, or go to school full time to finish up by the time the year is out. I'll start working then, a 7-3 shift is what I'll be looking for, so I can still be home as much as possible. I know this is probably too long. But I hope that you can utilize some of what I've mentioned (or at least it give you ideas) so you can do what you need to do in your own family and situation. Good luck!

My Mom has been waiting on my Dad to change for almost 40 years. It's not going to happen. As an adult now, I wish she would just accept him for who he is and see the bright side of things (we all have flaws).

In reading your message, the first thing that came to mind is that these are issues that probably should have been discussed way before marriage/kids, but this is the present, and here you are with these difficult questions.

So, here's how I'll answer.
I'm a working mom. It's because I want to be and because I need to be.
After the birth of my second child, I was diagnosed with cancer and went through 5 months of chemo. It was a blessing to have the kids in day care so I could recoup as needed following treatments every other Thursday. We don't have family close-by, so we did it on our own with the help of our friends and neighbors. Working also got me through the emotions of it by redirecting my anxiety and fears.
My diagnosis was the day before my son's second birthday and two days before my 33rd birthday - I had no symptoms, just a suspiciously swollen lymph node.

The reason I tell this story is because you can be a very good mother even if your time is spent at work as well as home. I just make every moment count because I know the future is uncertain.

If your heart tells you that you need to be a stay at home mom, figure it out with your husband to make it work. If you need to work, though, for your family, rest assured you'll be able to give them the love, guidance, nurturing and discipline they need in the abbreviated time you have with them.

Best wishes.

I agree with breaking down the numbers! Plus, many times if your income decreases, the state will help you with food (WIC and food stamps), reduce cost energy AND it lowers your tax bracket come tax time. My guess is that ALONE will convince him. You can also babysit for people for under the table money!

My husband always supported me being a full time SAHM. There was even a point of 20 months where NEITHER of us had a job and we have 2 kids. We pulled together odd jobs, sold vehicles and "toys", applied for aid - whatever it took, and we made it through.

Some moms really don't have any choice, but if there is the slightest hope you can stay home with your children, do it!

This article is worth a read (and is fairly balanced both ways):
http://www.theatlantic.com/past/issues/88aug/babe.htm

"The 'Effects' of Infant Day Care Reconsidered," written by Jay Belsky, a developmental psychologist at Pennsylvania State University, for Early Childhood Research Quarterly. The paper reported that Belsky's research group, that of the psychiatrist Dr. Peter Barglow, of the University of Chicago Medical School, and others had shown that infants of twelve to thirteen months who have been subjected to more than twenty hours a week of nonmaternal care are at risk for future psychological and behavioral difficulties. Nonmaternal care includes day-care centers, family day care, and care in the infant's home by a babysitter or a relative."

Well it is the Clash of The TItans.....

he, although he has a child... has not amended his life/hobbies/lifestyle toward that. He has not changed... in outlook or philosophy or priorities.
And, if you both have another child... will he realize that? That he needs to accommodate his family/children?
He works, he has hobbies, he is doing things outside of the home... meanwhile where IS he in raising his child/children???

My late Dad.... had a busy life too, like your Husband. He was a career man & worked a lot, he helped his Dad in his business (which he then took over too), he had hobbies, he educated himself, did golfing, had outings with friends, went fishing and had a boat, did all kinds of things. My Mom was a career woman. Once they had children... my Dad quit all these things... on his own, on his own volition. He dedicated himself to his children... and improving our lives and my Mom's. THIS was his idea, of what a "Dad" was, and what a Husband's "role" as a "Family man" was. His "role" in life, changed. It was a change he believed in. It was NOT a matter of "him" having what he wants... but rather, what the FAMILY needs & wants, and him wanting his children to have a Mom... raising them and being a family. His PATH in life, then changed to become that... role. He toiled and worked hard... to provide for his family, wife and kids. NOT toiling to support his own self. His "self" became his family.

So you see... a man either KNOWS that their role in life changes... or it does not... and they continue to behave in a way that does NOT include the family, kids, wife's needs. Only theirs. It is about selflessness and growing and maturing. Or they don't progress past their own gratification.

Your Husband as you state, has things that are important to "HIM." To him. To him. What about his family? What about his wife? He is married now. He has a child. And will have another child maybe. So how is HE going to change and grow and mature with that????

Therein lies the problem.

Your Husband is defensively clinging to "His" needs... but life has changed and its demands and responsibilities and needs. Once he married and had a child.... he has not changed nor adapted to that.
It is not about being independent and having money and toys... it is about the general welfare of the family/wife/children... and how that can be supported. That is the bigger picture.
AND, where is HE in all of this?

Once you have a wife and child.. it is about sustaining THEM... together, and doing what you need to do. It takes SACRIFICE and dedication. Bottom line.

He is a MAN... not a boy. He needs to realize that.

If you have more children and you work, then the kids will need to be in Daycare, and that costs money. So, how will HE come to terms with that? And it is not fair that "your" money only, pay for Daycare... because it is HIS kids too. That means, less money for "his" toys and hobbies.... gee, how sad for him, huh? And it means less time for him to be away at his hobbies... because he is ALSO a "Dad"... and a Dad has to help raise his kids and help the wife, and do things in the household too... everyday. Gee, how sad for him huh? He will have a ball and chain. Aw shucks.

As you see, I have no sympathy for him. It is not about who brings home the bacon and thus the working Man gets to do what he wants and the woman/wife is just slaving at home with the kids. It is a TEAM effort... and it takes a CHANGE IN PRIORITIES... for him. He does not want to, change his priorities.
Therein lies the problem, also.

Unless he grows in character and his philosophy of what a "man" and "husband" and "Dad" is... it will be a hard battle to convince him.

Or, you quit your job... you become a SAHM... and then use your own money and savings to raise them. Since, he is unwilling to support a family and change his hobbies and activities to accommodate those things. And then he pay the mortgage and his own selfish hobbies.
Not very responsible of him.

It will take much discussion with him... to make him realize how his life has changed.... and is passing him by.

All the best,
Susan

I really hope you get what you want. Its so rewarding bringing your own children up when they are still so little. Maybe you can try to tell him you want five years at home. When your second baby stars kindergarten you will go back to work part time and then full time in first grade. This will a least make him feel that you intend to back to work. He needs to realize that family comes before any luxuries. I don't know because he says no you have to agree. I am sure he buys and does things you do not agree with but he does them anyway. If he is not going to listen to you or sit down calmly with you and discuss this then you need to think what is your next step. I wish you luck with your life.

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It sounds like he doesn't want to make any sacrifices to his enjoyment/entertainment in order for you not to work, which some men see as "doing nothing all day" which is entirely untrue of course. I think you should come up with a concrete plan, find a part time job or figure out how you could work your current job part time, and crunch some numbers. It honestly might not be much different than putting 2 kids in daycare and working full time. That was the deciding factor for me to stay home, the childcare for 2 kids would have taken my whole paycheck. Of course if you have free childcare somehow then that wouldn't work. But you need to be able to show him actual figures to compare and see how it can work, and I know you can make it work.

Your husband sounds like mine sort of, I had to take over the finances after he overdrew our account badly. He doesn't mind now that I took over, and generally has no idea what's in our accounts. I've also squirreled money away in savings bonds and in our kids accounts, its easy to throw a bond in a drawer and forget about it. The things he likes to buy tend to be expensive like tv's and computers and other gadgets, we got a 48" tv in the living room with our stimulus money, even though I'd rather put it in the savings account. I'd suggest squirreling to give you a little security, guys really won't just figure out the money thing on their own.

Also hammer it into his head how important this is for you. Give him a time frame, like I wanna stay home (part-time or not) for 3 years, or 5 years, so he doesn't think its forever. Your kids grow up so quick and they need you so much in the early years. Tell him you'll work when they go to school. You can't buy the time back that you miss, someday when you're wealthier. By the time you can afford to stay home your children will be moving out most likely.

If you haven't seen or read anything by Dave Ramsey, you might give that a try. It's not just for getting out of debt. He has some really practical tips about budgeting and how you can get your significant other on board with you. If you can find a church that offers Financial Peace University, I highly recommend it. My husband and I took it and we didn't have any debt when we did. We just knew we weren't being as wise with our finances as we should have been and needed a refresher on how to focus in on the right things. Dave is really an entertaining guy and I guarantee both you and your husband will enjoy the class and get a lot out of it.

The bottom line is that you BOTH need to be willing to sit down and look at a budget to determine what is feasible and what isn't. You could set up the framework and then just try to get your hubby to sit down and review it with you. If you do most of the legwork (by plugging in the monthly budget numbers for most of the bills and such) and just offer it as something for him to review, he is more likely to look at it than if he thinks he has to do all of the work. Your husband is likely what Dave Ramsey would refer to as the "free spirit", meaning he has no desire to sit and look at a budget. If you want to stay home, it IS possible, but you have to try to get your hubby on the same page. Best of luck to you. I have been home for 4 years now and wouldn't trade it for the world, so I hope you are able to work it out with your husband.

I am sorry for your stuggle. I know where you are coming from, I wanted to leave my teaching career to be home to raise my own children and my husband was not on board. I was determined to make it work, so I joined Work at Home United and began replacing my teaching income.
Once I began earning and my checks were growing monthly my husband was completely on board. Now five years later I have been home with my two children, now 6 and 4 years old and we have eliminated our financial stress with growing residual income. My income has grown for 5 years and now I make so much more than I ever dreamed of as an elem. school teacher.
If you really want to be home, I encourage you to make it happen :) Being home with my children is the BEST decision I ever made. Partnering with Work at Home United has allowed it to happen for me. WorkatHomeUnited.com/JOBS to request info.

IMHO your instincts are absolutely correct, and God bless you for that. Where you put your time and heart is where your treasure is (why put it in earthly things?). Family is the only thing that truly lasts and you only get one chance with your children.

You cannot change him - only yourself. You may have to just put your foot down and say "this is what we are doing in the best interests of our children, period." You are not asking to go out to Vegas and gamble all your money - you are asking to BE THERE FOR YOUR FAMILY. Someday your children will thank you for this. He may not but they will always know who put them first, and that is what counts.

Do it nicely, but firmly. Tell him that you love and believe in him, and ultimately you guys will be a team in everything you do. Hopefully he will rise to the moment. Don't expect it to be easy getting there, though. Unfortunately modern day males have been raised to expect their wives to do most of the work at home AND bring in a salary. It is ridiculous imho.

Good luck.

I don't know why anyone would choose not to stay at home with their kids.Let me rephrase that if you can but don't want to or have a husband that won't allow it.I have a husband that takes full responsibility to work and bring in the money it is my duty as a wife/mother to stay home and keep house not to go to work make money then turn around and pay the nanny what I just worked so hard for.There are times we struggled through it he has lost 2 jobs due to economy but now we are back on track.
Quit your job after you get pregnant with baby #2 spen your entire pregnancy at home taking care of child #1 andf yourself see if you like it if not go back to work.I quit a few weeks after I was pregnant with baby #1 loved it I had no worries I was able to make it work now 7 yrs later still home with 3 kids.Good Luck put your foot down this will benefit your children

There are ongoing small groups at Elmbrook Church called Crown Ministry. Catholic Churches also have them. They help couples talk about money and budgeting and the emotional/relationship factors of money. My husband and I were headed for divorce after almost 20 years of marriage. Now, it is hard to believe things were that bad.
We survived many years on 1 income, and even now, with two boys, I work part-time. It can be done, you just havbe to get back ont he same page.

I don't know what you do and how much you make, but what worked for my husband, was a simple breakdown of my pay compared to what we would spend if I went back to work. I took my pay after taxes, subtracted: daycare, gas, added car maintenance, clothes for work, food for lunches, and anything else I could think of that comes with working out of the home, and when everything was said and done, I would be working for $3 an hour, and then I found out how we could cut back on $24 a day. Also, my husband also use to spend money freely, until I added up everything he spent money on. His problem was because the money was there, he would spend it and not realize how much money he was actually spending. Then we came to an agreement on how many times a month he could go golfing or shopping and if it was anything for the house we would discuss it before we bought it. It worked out well for us. I would be nervous about secret accounts and hiding things from him. Maybe you should see a financial advisor. If the news about his spending comes from a third party he may take it better.