How to Get Husband to Help More...?

C.,
Here is what worked for me years ago when I was a stay at home mom. I scheduled a vacation for me with some friends for 3 days, (just driving distance away) and left him a list of what got done everyday, (monday was bed linens, tuesday was the board meeting at the preschool, wednesday was the PTA meeting), and told him he was responsible for the kids, and making the meetings, as well as everything in the house. I left monday morning and by tuesday afternoon he was calling saying that he was sorry and could I come back, he also said he would never agian think that a stay at home mom didn't have a full time job. I haven't had a problem since (it's been five years) I cook, he does all the clean up and the dishes, I never have to take the garbage out (except when he is out of town on a buisness trip) he cleans the cat box, and I haven't ironed anything in five years... Good luck
Amanda

Hi llyCarin,
I'm the mom of almost 9 month old twins, with some of the same concerns. Hubby is great with entertaining kids, feeding, loving the kids, but I'm going back to work p/t next year and I've been freaking out about how it's gonna work....I could use a little more help around the house. I've expressed my concerns and he HAS stepped it up a bit around home. I did find an interesting website called equallysharedparenting.com. Rare would be the man who would TOTALLY go for the concept, but I DID find some good hints about division of labor etc. Patience and baby steps.....
Good luck. I'm here if you need to vent!
N.

I have an 8 month old daughter and also work part time. My husband used to help out around the house but recently got a new more stressful job and is now complaining that I don't do the laundry enough, or do the dishes every night. My daughter is a terrible sleeper and will only sleep if I am lying next to her and therefore I have to go to bed by 9 everynight. (she wakes up 5 minutes after I get out of bed so I can't just put her to sleep then do housework.) It used to be so much easier when he used to help out more. Now all he wants to do is "relax" and play video games! I never get to relax. I've tried to talk to him and he'll change for a night and then go back to his old ways. What do you think they'd do if the video games one day disappeared??? :)
Sorry can't offer much advice... just know you're not the only one! Good Luck.

Hi C.,
This sounds so familiar! My husband has improved recently but more or less, his job exhausts him, and he's not about to give up his hobbies (rugby, poker night with the boys, etc).

I used to be all bitter about it because I never got any time for myself. Then one day I got sick of it and sort of had this little meltdown. I came to a mental place where I saw with some clarity that I did not have a husband and 2 kids, I just had 3 kids, one of whom had a pretty decent job. I was seriously ready to throw all his stuff out on the front lawn, I kid you not. I told him that I was going to hire people to take care of the things he wasn't helping me with (housework, dinner prep, child care, etc.). He was like, where are we going to get the money for all that? And I told him, well, if you have the money to do what you want, then SO DO I!

So I re-arranged our finances so that I could hire a cleaning lady (that was seriously one of the happier days of my life, I'm telling you). After a month or two, we had adjusted to that money being taken out of the account (yes, he started spending less $ on poker and going to the bar with the rugby club!). And our house was sparkling clean all the time! So then, I hired someone to help with the childcare part time - she picks them up from school, helps with homework, gives them their baths, does the laundry etc. Can't tell you how wonderful that has been! Again, family budget adjusted to the extra cost pretty easily. I do a lot less clothes shopping, and hubby spends less on games and toys. We drive used cars instead of new ones now. And then, in my coup de grace, I started going to Dream Dinners. Now, surprisingly, that has saved us money, and it has saved my sanity as well, since I have never been a fan of grocery shopping or cooking.

Now the funny thing is, my husband saw that I was just OVER his behavior. Slowly, he has started to spend more time with me and the kids, and has started showing his appreciation of the things I do around the house, with the kids, etc. He is doing more now - where before he'd rather have died than take the girls to ballet class, he will do it now. He helps cook dinner more often. He runs errands. I think it was that he finally saw that I could seriously take him or leave him with the way he was acting, and he started to shape up somewhat.

So, I don't have the answer on how to totally reform the pigheaded male, but once I stopped picking up his slack, life got better for me. I hope this helps, and good luck!!

Hi C. - you are SO not alone in this-!!! This has been one of the main issues in my marriage. I have always worked from home, and have always felt like I've had to do everything. The resentment is huge.

After realizing I couldn't change my husband, and he wasn't responding to me asking for what I needed, I decided to change what I was doing in order for me not to go crazy. I decided to take one evening a week to do what I wanted (I joined a choir, took a painting class, took a ceramics class, etc.) - nothing short of a major holiday could change that schedule - and my husband watched the kids. If he didn't want to watch the kids, then I told him we shell out $45 for a babysitter once a week. After HE decided we couldn't afford that, he watched the kids.
It turned out to be the best thing I could have done. My husband complained about it every week for 5 years. BUT - (and he now admits this) - he bonded with the kids in a way he never had before - and he really appreciated it when I came back - and he quit complaining about the house being messy sometimes. And I got some much needed time to myself.

For a few years, I also took week long vacations once a year by myself to visit family, or go to a conference, etc. This was really good for my husband - he still doesn't help a ton, but he is really really appreciative of what I do. And he doesn't ignore me as much anymore when I make it a point to ask for help.

I would also look at things to eliminate in your life - can your nephews' parents find alternate arrangements for them? Are you being paid to be their caregiver? Is there a way to reduce the number of hours you work? Also - can you get your husband to commit to a job(s) around the house that is always his? That if it doesn't get done, no one else does it?

Good luck with this one - I wish I had the answer to this as well!

Tell him the likelihood of him getting more SEX is directly related to what time you are finally able to go to bed at night, and how tired you are when you get there. You have to put things in terms they can understand. Once you explain the sex thing, give him specific responsibilities you'd like for him to do. That way, you don't have to ask for things every night, and you also don't find yourself getting upset when he does not simply "pitch in" on his own. Men need assignments, so give him some and make them his, don't expect him to simply KNOW what to do. He will likely see the change in your attitude and energy, and will be more than happy about the extra lovin' that comes along with it!

Here's a clip I think you should share with him:

http://www.mandjshow.com/videos/men-and-housework/

HI C.!

First off, it's easy to understand why so many wives call their husbands their "oldest child"....I never understood this until I had kids :o)

In my experience, no matter how many "heavy sighs" and "nagging" I did, the best thing I EVER did, was to simply to ask my husband for help. BUT...I had to be VERY specific! I learned that he didn't know how to "jump in and help". He needed ME to tell him EXACTLY what to do.

I would always say "honey, it would help me ALOT if you could get the bath going". Or, "please put the dishes in the dishwasher"....or whatever you need help with. But if I wasn't specific, then he thought I had it "all under control" and he just felt "in the way", so he went off to get OUT of the way.

Now, if he EXPECTS you to do everything, because you only work Parttime, then you have another situation on your hands, and your husband needs to understand how hard you work. My situation was "sort of" like this. It took my husband to be home for a day to see me "in action". I know he would be home that day (so I really made an attempt to show him). He was home catching up on paperwork, and would always "strike up" conversation with me. I said "Sorry honey, but I have to do this by 9, and this by 9:30, and be there at 10:15....and so on". Then 2 hours laters, he would try again...."I said, oh..sorry honey, but I have to get this done before I pickup the boys, because I can't do it when they get home, and I'm still trying to figure out dinner for tonight....and oh shoot, I hope I can return that call before 1...." I would really play it out for him. :o) After that, I knew he felt ignored, but I remained "loving and hopeful" that we would soon talk. Then I waited until I knew the kids were almost done eating :o) I went to my husband, and said "sorry honey, how was your day?" A minute later, the kids called for me :o) He never got to tell me how his day was, and all he saw was me running in and out of the house as fast as I could! I was exhausted that day, but I had to "step it up" for him to understand. I told him that night, that if he helped me get the kids ready for bed and helped me cleanup the "afternoon", then we might get a chance to visit for a few minutes, before I went to bed.

Needless to say, he's a HUGE help in our home today. AND he loves it! He had no idea what he was missing with his kids. Now, when he gets home, Daddy "takes over" and I can do more things and get done sooner. But, I must say that the "daddy way" is alot different than the "mommy way"... but as long as he helps is all I'm interested in :o) It took about 1 year to get our perfect routine, but it's working, and we no longer have those problems.

I hope my experience can help for your situation :o)

N.

I am having the same trouble...apparently a lot of people are, but after reading some of the responses I have found that I am a little more frustrated than ever. I think one of the other readers summed it up by calling husbands our "oldest children" and although I agree completely, deep down that just doesn't sit well with me. Men currently dominate our modern society and in the past have been superior to women(still true in some places) and yet everyone's solutions are based on stroking our husbands' egos and treating them like children with a learning disability. We allow men to run the world, but we give them excuses for why they can't adapt to family life. It shouldn't be rocket science for a husband to figure out how to pick up a mess when he sees one or help put a child to bed at night. If they can conquer the world and the workplace, our house should be no different, so why is it?

I apologize for being sooooo negative. I am just another frustrated mom who wants to know how to make things work without "babying" my husband. I have two sons and don't want to be parenting a third. I guess in the heat of the moment, this is how I really feel, and would just like some solution.

Sorry again for the negativity, I really do wish you the best of luck with it all!

does your husband ever watch your daughter alone on weekends while you run errands? When my twins were infants, my husband would occasionally watch them on Saturday morning so I could do a Costco run or other such errands and when I came back he would have a dazed "I don't know how you do this all day" look on his face. Sometimes husbands don't realize just *how* much work a little one can be until they have a chance to "solo".

Meanwhile, give yourself a pat on the back for being an AWESOME mommy.

I just found this great hub that is relevant to this issue. Print it out and give it to your husband!

http://hubpages.com/hub/10-Little-Ways-To-Show-Your-Wife-...

Do make sure that you take out time for yourself. It is very important so that you can recharge. Do things that you like, not errands for the house/family.
Unfortunetly with most men you have to tell them what you need them to do. The conversation might be tough to start it going, but most men don't seem to do things without being asked. Making sure you stroke his ego by saying thank you for things he does even if you don't ask him might make him help out more on his own without reminders. I've been married 15yrs and have two boys 6 & 8. I stay home and have gone through a lot of this myself. I started out with two little ones with a husband that worked 12 plus hour days most of the time so basically a single parent with very little support on his side. It's very easy to get mad, resentful and want that month away. Unfortunetly mine thinks it would be a piece of cake. I would say you need to do ALL the things I need to do all day not leaving stuff for me to do later...laundry, dishes, picking up the house. I've been away for family illnesses and have come home to a load to do.
Best of luck.
Laurie, Sunnyvale,CA

I know exactly how you feel! I finally got to my wits end and told my husband that he had to help. I basically said, you have a choice, you can either clean the kitchen after dinner or you can give the kids a bath. I also make sure that I leave him with the kids a couple nights a week, that way he see's exactly what I have to go through. I joined a Bunco group, but you could always try to do a "girls night out" with friends and leave him home until after bedtime. Beyond that, I'm still trying to figure out how to get him to help more.

"In my experience, no matter how many "heavy sighs" and "nagging" I did, the best thing I EVER did, was to simply to ask my husband for help. BUT...I had to be VERY specific! I learned that he didn't know how to "jump in and help". He needed ME to tell him EXACTLY what to do."

This is it!!!! Seriously, don't buy books, try to have long conversations with him about how you feel, etcetera. Men don't work that way. I told my husband he was responsible for getting the baby's lunch bag ready in the morning and then giving her a bath in the evening. This is what I did with my husband and it saved our marriage.

PS - Sorry, but I couldn't find the quote again, so I don't know who to attribute it to. I must be blind. Sorry.

The only thing I can suggest is continue to ASK not nag about just say HEY-- I need your help please. And if he says it sounds like you are nagging ask how... how does asking for your help with your child sound like nagging? Ask him how or what can you do to get him to help WITHOUT you asking him or sounding like you are nagging. I agree they should see that you need the help or be nice and offer to help to give you a break however MEN AREN'T made that way. They need to be told what to do. They are not mind readers..

First I would tell him exactly what you just told us. In a very calm, almost sad way instead of in an angry, way. I would also suggest reading the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura. Yes, she can be pretty conservative (which I am completely not) but the nuts and bolts of what she says are right on!! I was able to skim through and read most of this book in 2-3 days and just my husand seeing that I was reading it and making an effort to work on our relationship, changed his behavior. Hey, we read parenting books all the time, why not read one on how to care for our husbands. The thing is that husbands, are much like children. We first need to change our reactions to their behavior for them to change their behaivor. They also sometimes don't know exactly what to do after a baby is born, are afraid of being told that they'er doing it wrong etc. and then they feel left out and avoid doing anything. They want to be our heroes so we need to make them feel like they are. I know this sounds crazy, but trust me... try this book.

Hi C.,
It sounds like you have had some pretty good advice given to you already, but I'll let you know what I have done. I am a SAHM to 3 beautiful children (ages 9, 4 and 1)and I also do daycare for a 5 month old baby. I use to spoil my husband too much. (probably my fault) but because I stayed at home, I always made sure I had a hot plate of dinner waiting for my husband everynight when he walked in the door. My home was mostly clean and his laundry was alays done. When my husband got too lazy, I decided to fix my problem(yes, the problem that I created) by telling him that I could't possibly keep up on it all without a little help. When he didnt want to help, I simply told him that I would have to make some changes somewhere. I decided that he could make his own dinner every night and do his own laundry when it needed being done. After coming home a few nights to no dinner cooked, It was then he decided that the few things that I would ask him to do were probably a lot easier than having to do his own chores. My husband still enjoys his video games, I know that won't change anytime soon, but he has learned to walk away from it when I ask. Good luck!!

Wow, that sounds frustrating. You must be exhausted! Anyone would be. Perhaps your husband is struggling with something hidden. Could he be dealing with insecurities about his abilities? Could he be frustrated and exhausted, too, and using video games as an inappropriate escape? This definitely needs to be addressed. I'd suggest attempting a sincere, non-offensive approach with him, and listening to his thoughts without judgment. Plan to not respond at all! Then, the next day, maybe, respond. Or request to see a counselor with him. If you want a teammate, you have to be a team player.

I'll be thinking of you!

This helped me: "If you don't want me to nag, don't give me anything to nag about, you have absolute control of this." Leave for the day, do nothing special to make it easy (i.e if you're low on food don't rush to the market so he doesn't have to, if laundry isn't done, don't do it before you leave etc.) Enjoy your day.

Try explaining to your husband that parenting, like marriage is a two way street. Even mothers that stay home all day with their children have the hardest jobs of all. You should set time aside for yourselves and for each other maybe a lunch with girlfriends for you and a game with friends for him. But most of all make sure to set time aside for each other, even if it's only one night a month, dinner and/or a movie. Maybe he feels as if he's lost a part of you since the baby. Or if all else fails and he still chooses video games, then set the alarm very early one Saturday morning and slip out for the entire day leaving only a note. He'll have no choice but to take care of the baby! Don't return until evening and don't turn on your cell. Good luck!

Hi there,
there is a great book out there that might help you get started...
Dr. Joshua Coleman :"The Lazy Husband - how to get men to do more parenting and housework". He has written a couple other great books too and also gives talks in this area.
His website is

http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/

I signed up for his newsletter which I have found very helpful and informational.
Good luck!!

Good luck. I've been trying for over 30 years. The key is to cut down on your responsibilities. Can someone else pick up the nephews? Ask you husband whether you two can't sit down and make a schedule so you can have a ladies night out on a weekly basis. Men don't deal well with sudden assignments but can fit things into a regular schedule (don't ask why, haven't figured that one out either). Do you plan on having more children? Ask you husband so he can be in on the planning stage so this will be carried on for the future as well.

My suggestion would be to try to carve out some time for just the two of you to talk, maybe even get a sitter so you can do so without being interrupted. It needs to be non-confrontational, so you can start by saying something like, I appreciate how hard you work, but I really am struggling here and need your help. You can't discuss it in the heat of the moment since you will be too emotional and he will just get defensive, and nothing but hurt feelings will be accomplished. I would suggest you write down all the issues you want to discuss before you have this conversation, so you can make sure you don't leave anything out. Chances are, he has no idea how much you actually do every day. At our house a compromise is I make dinner every night since I am home at dinner time, but my husband bathes the kids and does the majority of the bedtime routine. I generally join in since I like to be included and love having all four of us spend quality time together, but I don't feel guilty if I decide to clean up the kitchen instead. Usually by the time the kids are out of the bath, I have completely cleaned up the kitchen from dinner and then can easily join in. My husband actually likes to spend this time with the kids, since he also works a long day and doesn't get to see them much. I also go to a scrapbooking group one night a month (usually after the kids are in bed) and if I want to, I get some time to myself on Saturday mornings. My husband plays tennis and soccer on a weekly basis, but that is ok, because those things keep him happy. Tennis is on a weeknight and after the kids go to bed, and soccer is on most saturdays. He also loves to workout, so now he gets up before the kids do to workout so he is not missing out on anymore family time. Sundays are almost always family day, and we all try to do something together such as a bike ride or picnic in the park etc. I know how you are feeling though, I stay at home now, but after the birth of my first child I worked full-time until the birth of our second child. I started letting things go, not cleaning up the kitchen every night, not picking up my son's toys, etc so my husband could see how overwhelmed I was becoming. Then we had the talk. He is a very kind and understanding guy, and didn't take it personally, but he did say he had no idea how stressed I was about everything because I didn't show it. I did realize that was true, I just stepped up and took on the majority of the responsibilities after the birth of our son, and he was really unsure of what I wanted help with. Once I laid it all out for him, he was more than willing to pitch in. I can't say that I never had to remind him, he is a "guy" after all, but he does make an effort. It has helped our relationship so much since I was harboring all this resentment for his lack of contribution in the beginning, but he was just afraid of stepping on my toes in the parenting department. I did have to learn that daddy had his own way of doing things, and although not the way I may have done it, it was ok anyways. Once I got over that and stopped hovering, things went pretty smoothly. Good luck. It is so stressful being the "one" to take care of everything.

Hi C.,

I hesitated to respond to your question because every situation is different and I certainly don't have it all figured out. However, it seems like it is always that the mom does so much more while patiently waiting for their husband to grow up! There must be exceptions but I haven't heard of any.

My oldest is 4 1/2 years old so I have been dealing with this issue for a few years. Here are my 2 cents:

Acknowledge your husband for all that he is doing whether its long work days or anything he does at home. I have learned the hard way that men need to be appreciated for all that they do even if you are doing the equivalent of 2 full-time jobs on little sleep.

Compromise on the video games. He must be using them to relax after work. Discuss with him a reasonable amount of time to do this. Trade him for some free time of your own even if it means the household chores won't get done.

Show him your schedule as you outlined in your email and acknowledge that you are both having more demanded from you. Things have changed and you need to look at your overall schedule. What can he be in charge of? Can you schedule some family chore time and some family relaxation time? This is a bit tricky as men can so quickly go to "you are just trying to control me" rather than we have a problem here, help me with the solution.

I remember that there was a lag for when my husband adjusted to having children. We had lots of discussions, arguments and adjustments to make. For about the first year or so, I found myself constantly telling my husband that our situation had changed while for me, the change had already occured. If anything I saw him react by being less responsible. For awhile, it seemed like he was reliving his college party days, Old School style.

Make sure your husband is getting some bonding time with your daughter. This made a huge difference for us and it's normal for this to take awhile. When she reaches out for Daddy when he comes home from work, he might have a hard time going straight to the video game.

Talk to your girlfriends who might be in the same situation as much as possible. Find some if you don't have any. I'm always surprised by how similar many women's experiences are.

It's never perfect but our situation has improved.

All the best to your family,
A.

I would give your husband a good 30 mins when he gets home to unwind. Then go over and give him a good back or shoulder rub, kiss his neck, tell him how much you appreciate all of his hard work for the family. Run the bathwater and get your daughter ready for the bath, then tell him sweetly, honey, everything is ready for the bath, and give him a kiss. And for example if you want him to take out the garbage, put the bag near or outside of the door and say it's ready to go to the can as soon as you can get it. When he does it, give him a hug and say thank you. I PROMISE you the sweeter you are and more grateful you are the more you will get out of him. I think men need their egos stroked and then they are like puddy in your hands. I had trouble getting my husband to do some things, as soon as I started acting like this, he will do anything I ask. good luck

As with all issues in life, communication is key. Find a time when you can talk openly and honestly about your needs and feelings. Do not try to have a discussion when you are stressed and upset. You and your husband are a team. Treat each other with kindness and respect, and you will be able to overcome life's hurdles together. Good luck!

I think every first time mom & dad go through this. The dad feels he's diong his aprt by working "all day" and we moms feel like we work 24/7 (because we do1! ;-) ) and they just don't get it.

Here's what I have found after two kids:
1) Ask him for help instead of saying "didn't you notice that dishes needed to be done?" because trust me it never clued into him. Men, for whatever reason need to feel like they are needed. So asking them for help using phrases like "it would really help me out if you could clean the kitchen" tends to go over better.

2) He'll never get what it takes to take care of the kid(s) until he's left alone with them for a day or longer.... and this has to happen at least a couple times a year. The first time I left my first child home alone with daddy was ta 5 months old. He had her for 6 hours and when I got home declared he was NEVER going to do that again! He did, but it takes them longer to get use to it. My husband didn't get the real dose until I started working from home after baby #2 and left for the weekend for a business trip. Our youngest was 18 months old... he ahd them friday - sunday all by himself. Man when I for home was a different dad! He also must ahve said a million times "Idon't know how you do it... work from home and get anything done with those two clammering for attention all day."

So make your husband walk in your shoes for a day.... or at least 4-6 hours. Plan a girls afternoon out, go get a massage and a pedicure AND whatever you DON'T answer your cell phone while he has her. He has to be able to figure it out on his own. That's the way we as mom has to learn what to do and that's the only way he's going to learn.

This is always a tricky one, because we don't know what you've been doing up until know. It sounds like you need more communication (and possibly respect) in your relationship.
Have you asked for help?
If you haven't, sit and come up with a list of things you feel comfortable delegating to him. Sit him down and explain that you are overwhelmed and you need help before you loose your mind. I don't know how your sex life is, but if your overwhelmed and have a 9 month old, I'm assuming its few and far between. I would highly suggest telling him that feeling overwhelmed is a major libido buster, cause let's face it... it is. Tell him you would like him to complete the list before he plays his video games. Or ask him to limit the video game playing to one night a week while you take care of the kids and one night you can do something while he does everything.
COMMUNICATE!
Tell him how you want life to be. For example, "I will take care of things while you are at work, but when you are home, I expect home and child duties to be shared equally."
Also try to be respectful - most people expect their spouse should just know what to do and then they take offense when it isn't done. He's not psychic - tell him what you want. Also ask him what he wants and come up with ways to accomplish both.
You guys are a team!
I would highly recommend reading 2 books:
"The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" Dr Laura C Schlessinger (I don't normally like her, but if you can get past some of her bull - most of it is really helpful.
"Babyproofing your Marriage" by Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill, and Julia Stone.
ps there's a ton of terrible advice that you've gotten so far - DO NOT go on strike - how will that help you nerves?!
DO NOT slip out leaving only a note and turn your cell off - would you like him to do that to you?! That's really sneaky and dis respectful. Give respect and you will get it.
Also - I would only take advice from women that don't have the same problem - or have had it and have dealt with it successfully. I had the seedlings of this same problem w/ my husband, but sat him down and asked for what I wanted and now he's a big help.

Hi C.,
How old is your husband? The reason I ask is often this behavior is connected to his age if he's young and inexperienced as a husband and father. He may only see HIS contribution to the family and is not able to think beyond the time you put into your outside job. It seems to me that a lot of people don't consider work in the home as "work". The other thing is, hearing complaints from you, although valid, are taken as nagging as he can't see beyond that, either. Do you know any couples who have been married for a long time? Maybe one of those husbands can talk to him and help him see your side of things. I've been married over 24 years to a man who has always taken his role as a husband and father very serious, but we know many men who were much like your husband. Now that they are older, we hear them lament about how they wished they could've done more to help when their kids were younger. I wish you the best.
~L.

Dear C.,

I can see how busy both of you are since both of you are working and both of you have to take care of the baby. Marriage is a partnership; each one has to be a helper to the other- an enabler so that both of you will enjoy your partnership. Maybe you are just in a period of adjustment in your married life, but what is important is that you are able to see it in the light of God's plan.

Thank you,
srluz R.

I would suggest getty a house keeper before moving out for awhile. My husband was the same way. He thought his job was to mow the lawn and do outside work. I told him I would love to trade jobs with him, but to no avail. I did everything, inlcuding all shopping, paying bills, balancing the checkbook, moms taxi at least 4 times a week and the house was always a mess. My boys are grown, and to this day i wish I had used a houeskeep, since we both worked and just added the cost into the price of working. Good luck, I know this is a tough one.

Well, something has got to give, and you don't want it to be your sanity. You need to give yourself a break. Once a child is introduced into the picture, you need to let go of the "rules" you had for yourself before, such as the upkeep of the house, dishes, laundry, etc. Only you can give yourself that time.

Hi, C.;
As you know, babies are the most "hands-on" demanding type of work. You are physically working on taking care of her all day, and she "undoes" all that you do...so that at the end of the day, it doesn't look like you have done anything! After all those hours and diaper changes and baths and meals, at the end of the day she still needs more of the same. Unless a person (yes, a Father) has done this on a regular basis, a person will not be able to understand it to a certain extent. His day is full already. Very full. Your day is full. Amazingly full! I think since we are mainly able to change our own day and not someone else's, you should cut back on what you are doing. You basically have 2 3/4 jobs. Your husband, baby, and house is one (but even that could be debated!) the one that you get money for that starts at 5:AM is one, and the care of nephews is the 3/4. Which one can you quit? And then, can you cut back on one of the others? Obviously, you can't quit your family ("family is first") so you keep that. I would stop taking care of the nephews. And see about cutting back on your hours at work. Tell husband that you are at your wit's end. You are physically tired and frustrated. He gets to escape into video games. Maybe you could have nephew's parents watch your daughter for an hour or two a week while you and your husband go out to a video arcade or movie or something. Ask him to listen to you for awhile and CALMLY describe a your day to him and even ask for advice on what to cut out. Asking him for help is some thing to do later. Even if he helped you now, you both would be doing too much. Don't give up. Do less. J.

I'm going to try out some of the other advice you've received! It makes me feel good to know this is not my problem alone. Although to give my husband credit, he does more than he used to and doesn't complain as much.

As for my two cents:
When my daughter was very young I would make a big deal about the garage door opening sound and dada coming home. Soon she would hear the garage door and be there to greet dad. While he was able to sit on the couch and "ignore" a baby, he found it very difficult to ignore an excited toddler welcoming him home, ready to play.

There are two kids now and the only time I bathe them is when I take the kids to visit my parents and hubby stays home.

By the way, leaving dad with the child for three or four hours works wonders too. Even now, my hubby still seems surprised at how much energy it takes to spend a whole day with kids.

you should talk to him when you're not mad. just be honest and remind him that "if momma aint happy, aint nobody happy!"
you could go on strike and not do laundry and dishes.
don't try to be supermom. take care of yourself. who cares if the house gets a little messy. the world wont end if you don't get everything done.

I hate to tell you to do this but it might work for you. On a day you both are off let him know you need a day for your self. Don't ask him but tell him he is going to watch your daughter while you go out and take time for your self. Don't feel bad for doing this, with you being gone he will see what you have to go through and he will appreciate what you do from day to day. He won't have you there to help him he will have to do it by him self. I have two children 1 & 2 I was alway's a stay at home mom and I did everything so I know how you feel. I went back to work in Jan of this year I work part time. My kids don't go to a sitter they stay with my husband tell I come home from work and then he goes to work. It's his job to get them up do breakfast, lunch, and help with the cleaning. He now know's how hard it is to be a full time parent and gives me so much credit for what I did when I stayed home with my children. Good luck I hope it works out for you. Sorry for my poor spelling.

I have a 13 month old daughter. Your husband needs to realize that he is 50% responsible for taking care of his child. My husband and I both work full-time, but I am a teacher so I work less actual hours outside the home, but I feel my job when I get home is much harder. I still manage to get everything done by 7:30 (my daughters bedtime)so I can relax for a couple of hours when I go to bed. I would not put up with hour husbands laziness and I would stop doing his laundry and making him dinner if he refuses to help out. I think he would keep doing what he is doing until you take a stand. Not sure why you go have to stay up until 11 PM? Does your daughter go to bed late or are you cleaning or something? I think you need to leave her home with him all day and let him see how hard the work is and you could have a free day to relax. Take a day trip or plan a spa day.

Hi C.,
You are definitely not alone in this area of having to do it all when the husband gets to go to work everyday and then come home and have you take care of him too!! That is always their arguement in defense of themselves for not helping out more, they use the old, "I go to work everyday to make the money, so I don't have to do anything else around here, like helping with the kids and housework!" And when you are working yourself, that is when it gets extremely tough! I've been there! I think the main thing is that our husbands are very insecure and feel totally uncapable of running the household and taking on all those duties that we as mothers usually do. I think they are almost afraid to step up because they don't think they can handle it like we do. When my kids were babies I had to stand back, and let my husband do things his way. For example, I always wanted him to change diapers or do bathtime more often, and when he would I would notice all these little things that he wasn't doing right. When I said something he would just stop doing these things altogether, so I had to stand back and know that his way of diapering or running the bath was unique and it was fine. I found that by constantly getting on his case to help more, it would just push him away. After a while, he began taking on more duties, I think it really helped that I worked nights so he had to take care of the kids and dinner and such. I know it's frustrating, but hang in there. You might have to take a sledgehammer to the Xbox! just kidding!

WHat you're going through is really normal, so hang in there-- our children's young years are always hardest on a marriage. In psychology (I'm a marriage and family therapist) there is a concept called 'successive approximation' which is where you reward anything remotely like the behavior you want, till it gets closer and closer to what you're looking for. So, if your husband even picks up the baby, say 'Thanks sweetie-- I really needed a couple minutes to myself!' or 'Hey, I see you put your dishes in the sink-- I really appreciate it'. People respond to the littlest things. Also, you *can* get yourself some time, whether your husband cooperates or not-- join a babysitting co-op, or just make an agreement with friends, so you watch a couple extra kids once a week/month whatever and in exchange get some free time every week/month/whatever. Good luck!

Catherine C. below said it all. Follow her advice. You CAN'T do it all. No one can. I haven't had this exact issue with my husband (wait a minute, actually when they were all preschool age I did, come to think of it, but that was a long time ago) but Catherine's second to last paragraph (where she says the bit about taking or leaving him) applied to me as well. When you get to the point where you're not afraid of their reaction the point seems to finally hit home. Good luck!!

My goodness girl.... can I print this out and give to my husband so he can see an example of what he is doing to me? I'm in your boat and understand what you are going through and lots of my girlfriends go through the same thing. I think we should all take a girl's night or even a girl's weekend away. Then hopefully the "boys" will understand.

Hi C.,

You and your husband both have very long days! You deserve his help with the house and your daughter. Try making a list of all the things that need to be done and divide it with him. With the exception of taking care of you baby, don't do his part of the list. Ask him to spend time with your daughter when he first gets home, play with her, give her a bath, feed her and get her ready for bed. This will give you a little alone (me time). I would then ask him to spend some time with you. (Do you miss the alone time the two of you use to spend? Maybe he does too. He can play video games after family time and do some house work after video game time. Hope things improve fast for you. Have a nice weekend!

My husband wasn't necessarily bad about helping out...well, yes he was, but it wasn't a hassle to get him to help. But, one day, he had to watch my son for most of the day for some reason. And when I got home, my husband apologized to me. (I was a stay-at-home mom at the time) He said, "I had no idea how much work it is to watch our son all day." But the kicker is that all he did was watch and entertain him. He didn't do the dishes. He didn't do the bills. He didn't "teach" him. He didn't do laundry. Yet it was still quite a chore! Have your husband take over for a day, then he'll realize how hard it is!

My husband and I also made a deal that it is his sole responsibilty to put our son to bed Monday-Friday. Our son is 3, and he's been doing this for about 2 years now. It gives me some quiet time, and him and our son some together time.