How to Handel My Marriage with Raising an Autistic Child

N.,

I have a 15-year old with autism and a typical 8-year old. I feel what you are going through because I have gone through it. If you (and anyone else in the SAME situation) would like to get together and talk, I will listen and offer suggestions. We are in a much better position now, but there are some things that won't ever change. What I have learned is how to deal with it for MY benefit.

L. Wossidlo

N.,

I don't have any thing original to say-- try talking to a marriage therapist, clergy, etc., but I just wanted to send you a (hug), Sounds like you are a great mom dealing with a difficult situation, and you are doing just fine. Hoping all the best for you.

I know raising a special needs child is hard!
We have an almost 7 year old diagnosed with PDD-NOS... and ADH/D... and ODD. He was diagnosed with all thise capital letters when he was 4 years old. What a ride it's been.

We KNOW the stigma - having to leave Friendly's before our meals are at our table b/c our son is flipping out about not having all 4 red crayons... or arriving to functions late and exhausted b/c it was a fight to put his button-shirt on... or having to ask my hubby's boss for a few days extra to fit in appointments during the day.

We get it! And the strain - we get that too. We disagreed with how to discipline, how to reward, how to motivate, how to breathe, almost. We have great friends who have been a continual source of support. Ironically - family has been at 'arm's length' most of the time.

And PDD-NOS is difficult for 1) our kids look normal, smile normal and even act normal on occasion. Because of that - immediately people look at you - - what YOU and your hubby did wrong. Oh, I got sooo much advice...! Toss every bit of advice that doesn't FIRST encourage you into the toilet - then head on over to a marriage counselor. I mean it! We know a great therapist!

Your husband may be feeling like a failure - he may have even gotten an earful from others, and dutifully didn't tell you about it b/c he didn't want to discourage you or hurt you. It broke my husband's heart when we realized our son isn't normal - we grieved over our loss of 'normal' for a season - then began to move forward with specialists. It's been so hard. But we are stronger having done this together.

you can have a flourishing marraige and a happy, growing, healthy child with special needs. Respond if you want to talk more! I blog about it, too. let me know.

I'll be thinking of you all -
R. b.

N.,
First I want to say that you are a strong woman! I was a behaviorist (in school and at home) for autistic children for years prior to having my children. And I will tell that in every family that I met, the dad always had the toughest time especially when it was there son (which was most of the time). I think the dads have the hardest time understanding, coping and accepting the diagnosis. I highly suggest some therapy for the family and some programs for you and your husband that will help to prepare you for the road ahead. Husbands (most of the time) don't have the outlook that the moms have to nuture and fight ahead. The way that your husband is acting shows that he cares, but is scared, unsure, embarrassed and worried about the unknown. I think being educated will help a lot. I think you are frustrated and I understand that, but I also think that you need him, you need to do this together. Not just for help with your son but for a support system, once you come together in an understanding of autism then you will be stronger together. And the stimulation that your son will receive from two different points of view is also very helpful! If you're able to get your husband involved in a way were he feels there is progress with your son that may help. The dad's I worked with were best involved when it was much like a step by step program, which is pretty much what your son will accept also. I know its really hard to find the time to put yourself into someone elses shoes and to be thinking about anyone other than your son right now, but your husband, i think, is scared and your marriage is turned upside down! They just don't deal with it in the same way the moms do. I've never come across a mom that has thrown up there arms and said its too hard i just can't do it! Dad's I have! Once they are educated and have a game plan they feel much better! Find an autism program or convention that may be coming to the area where you guys can go and he can meet and talk to other dads, that would help him greatly to hear it from another dad! Just as you have this outlet to express you feelings, he also needs one!
One other thing, maybe your husband would feel more comfortable with small groups of friends coming to your house. He may feel more able to allow your son do be himself in the comfort of your own home with friends over. And in turn that may help him to feel the acceptance of your friends when you are at their house.
If you really really truely want your husband to stay! Then as childish as it may seem, I think your husband feels left out, alone and not needed. I totally understand your time being needed greatly with your son, but look at it as if your husband worked 1000 hours a week and he was never around! You too would feel you were in a marriage alone. I know this sounds ridiculous and I understand that all your attention is on your son, but marriage needs attention too. I don't want to sound like I am totally defending your husband, but from your email it sounds like he wants to be a part, but just doesn't know/understand where and how he can be. The fact that he offered to let you go to the parties alone while he stays home with your son is huge, majority of the dads I knew would've never offered that! Have you ever noticed how many (not all) dads are with their 1st newborn, worried they're going to "break" them, don't kow what to do when they cry, when for most part the moms feel the same way deep down but the nuturing takes over and its not that bad. Dad's don't have that natural nurturing and therefore they are stuck with I don't know what I'm doing complex! This is similar situation! I hope that I have shed some light for you without writing too much. And i really hope I didn't hit a soft spot anywhere, just wanted to let you know what I have seen in other homes in the same situation! Try to sit down and talk to your husband and show him that you too are scared, unsure, worried and that together you can be stronger for your son! Good luck and stay strong! Jennifer

Hi N.,

I hear you! Hang in there, and surround yourself with support. There are so many other parents going through marrital strains that come from raising kids w/ special needs. In fact the divorce rate for parents like us is 90%. The stressors are over the top, and most parents cannot handle much more than just caring for their children, let alone nurturing their marriage. My best advice is DATE NIGHT - force yourselves to go out ALONE, just like you used to. Its SO important if you are going to "remember" why you are even together in the first place. And check this site out:

http://www.talkaboutcuringautism.org/index.htm

Take care,

Meg xoxo

Having a child with special needs is a stressful situation for the family and unfortunately, people handle and accept things differently. I have a daughter with PDD-NOS so I know what you are going through. I think you're doing great by taking your son to different events - at least for us, the first exposure is difficult but the more we take her and expose her to situations, the more she learns what to expect and how to "handle" it and behave appropriately. I have met many mothers whose child was initially diagnosed and feel they can't take their child to places that weren't "special needs" groups. I think that's a huge mistake - we should want our child to be with typically developing kids to watch them and imitate them - they need typical kids as models so they learn how to behave and interact. It is much easier to expose them now then when they are teenagers - because they are not as aware of how others are feeling about them now. I hope you can draw strength from the rest of your family and friends....and hopefully your husband will realize how his feelings are negatively affected his son and you. I find that the husbands have a harder time "accepting" the diagnosis and knowing how to deal with it because they have limited exposure to the child and don't observe the therapies and strategies = so maybe considering support groups in your area so he can talk with other dads going through the same thing might help him. Good luck!!

Hi N.!
Sorry to hear about your marriage. I too have a son with the same diagnosis and another son with Tourette Syndrome along with ADHD. Special Needs kids can definitely be a handful, especially in social situations.

Unfortunately, my marriage did not survive. Sometimes the Dad just can't handle everything that is going on. Marriage itself can be challenging, but put special needs kids on top of that and it becomes an uphill battle everyday. If the Dad is in denial or doesn't understand that the behavior is out of the childs control, that makes it even worse. After a long day with your son, you are emotionally drained and husbands just don't seem to understand that.

Perhaps counseling would help your situation. Have you tried to approach your husband about the subject? Some men just don't like to go this route. Something about pride comes into play here. My hubby didn't want to go. He said that it wasn't his problem.

I can say this...stick in there and do what you feel is right in your heart. I believe your child should come first because he needs you to be there for him and be his advocate with school, family and friends. Your husband, on the other hand, can take care of himself. That's not to say that you two shouldn't spend some adult time together, but your Son needs his Mom.

The good news is, if by chance you and your hubby wind up going your seperate ways, there will be someone out there waiting to find you and your son. It happened for me. My new husband and I have been married for almost 7 years now and he understands the boys better than their real Father ever did. He knows that the boys come first and he feels that is the way it should be.

Good luck and hang in there. Follow your heart and do what you feel is right for you and your Son.

S.

N.- I am in my mid thirties with a "low-functioning" autistic son who will soon be 17 yrs old. My life and marriage works somewhat like you have described in your post except for the fact that we do bring my son to family functions (if it is not a formal event). My son is non-verbal but manages to make A LOT of "noise". My husband feels that our son is most comfortable at home (which it seems that way). We do however try to take him out to fast food places to expose him to society and community based activities. We also take him on nature walks. Usually parties work much like you have described- my daughter and I attend while my husband stays home with our son. This arrangement works for us because we experience a great deal of stress at public events. Perhaps you and your husband can compromise on which events you attend with your son. By no means should you shelter you child from society and if you are past compromising then you should do what is best for everyone in your household. Constant arguing doesn't do anyone good. Good luck to you and your family!

PS- don't feel guilty about feeling relief, it's natural to feel that way when you think you've found a way to lessen your stress

N.,
I do not have a child with autism I do have a daughter with ADHD. I do have the same issue with my husband being ashamed of her and does not like to go places with her for fear she will act up. He is in denial for the fact that she does not need constant reminders and extra help. Our friends too accept her for who she is and don't mind her. It is all him. It is very draining. It is hard to make up for his bad attitude. I feel bad for her because I know it affects their relationship. If only he would see her for who she is on meds ~ her real self. I too believe sometimes it would be better without him. But your son still needs his influence. Did you ever think of having your husband join a support group or even talk to other parents who have children like yours. I know mine would not go for it. He did get a little better when we went to get a second opinion. They talked to both of us together. I think he got some of it but his patience still needs help. LIke you he is only there for the down times, he does she her at her best. I have the rough spots, morning routine, homework.
My heart goes out to you. Just think it through. I think maybe both of you should get some mediator or counsler to share the stressful times.
Take care,
J.

N.,
I am the mom of 4 children. 2 of them have diagnoses. My 10 yo has PDD-NOS, and my 4 yo has Moderate Autism, MR, and PICA. I understand how you feel. Although, my husband was on board when we got the baby's dx. He is off one of the days my son has therapy, and gives me a break by taking him. We have had long talks about what we're doing, what's working and what isn't, little victories, and the big missteps. He and I both agree that the kids come first. We steal time when we can to reconnect, but it never happens as often as we'd like. He recently started going to support group meetings with me. Is that an option for you?
My ex-husband couldn't handle having a special needs child, and walked away. (my current husband adopted them since) I am glad he did, because he was abusive, but that doesn't sound like your case.
I think it would be worth a shot to try to get him to go to a support group meeting with you, maybe try counseling like a few others suggested.
Feel free to private message me. I know of a few support groups depending on where you are, and you'd be surprised how many dads show up.
HUGS,
B.

Hello! My name is H. and I have a 4 1/2 year old autistic son. Diagnosed at 2 with Classic Autism. He still doesn't talk in sentences, but can say many words. First of all, let me say that it sounds like your husband has a problem accepting that there could be something wrong with your son. Let me congratulate you on the fact that you are sticking with your son and not your husband on this one. He is wrong. God gave us these children as a gift and they can teach us more than they will ever teach us. Yes, there are MAJOR challenges every day with raising an autistic or any child on the spectrum. With all of the therapy they need, several different school programs, and just day-to-day life is very difficult more times than not. God only sends "special" kids to "very" special moms. Remember that. Your son should be number 1! You do have your whole life in front of you, and you should be proud of what you do as a mom. We were just at a function yesterday with our son and 13-year-old daughter, and my little guy was a mess all day because there were too many people there, he was on sensory overload, he won't eat when he's somewhere he doesn't know so he was hungry, he screams, flaps his hands, etc. But that's our Evan. Anyone who can't accept him for who he is doesn't deserve to be in our lives. We get funny/bad looks wherever we go and I've learned that people are just rude. You are right - don't keep him in a bubble, he needs the other interaction, even if you think he isn't interacting. And if he upsets other kids, adults, so what?!?! Keep up the good work, I'm sure you are an excellent mom. I stay home with my almost 5-year-old and he's a joy. These kids work harder than any of us do and they deserve respect just like any other child. My son attends two schools, therapy sessions, evaluations, etc. He is still not potty trained, throws things when he's upset, the whole works. But he's the best kid ever. Your husband needs to be more understanding of autism and the spectrum and learn to accept him for who he is!

N.,
My heart goes out to you. I must say that I think you already have all of the answers that you are looking for. Perhaps you just need to put it down in writing to legitimize what you are feeling.
Perhaps if your husband does move out, you'll both get a better perspective of where you are. And where you want to be. Once you can think clearly, you can think about whether you truly want to be together to save your marriage, or if you need a break. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sincerely,
L.

I too am in the same position. My daughter had moderate autism with apraxia. The thing that I realized after 11 years of marrige is that my husband, and maybe even yours deal with things differently. I am taking her back and forth to therapy, doctors appts and school. I deal with everything with my daughter only because he cannot do it at this point. I went thru the stages of grief...at my husband. Was he ashamed of her? choosing not to accept the diagnosis? choosing not to become involved with our family? Then I thought about the fact that he is always traveling. (Currently he has moved to your area and my children and I are in KS hoping our home will sell.) I am so involved with her that I can supplement her 5 times a day, where he doesn't know what meds are taken when or how many times. I interupt them when he allows her to stim or vocalize inappropriately. I am constantly trying to help him help her, yet he saw it as interfering with their time. It helped for me to TRY to see his side and also for him to listen to what U are going thru. If U cannot sit down and talk at this point without so much anger, write things down. This helped me the most.It is difficult but maybe worth the effort on both your behalfs.Sorry to ramble on, but just know everone internalizes everything differently. U are not alone. Best of luck to U!

I applaud you. I feel the same way, children always come first. They did not asked to be brought in the world, we chose it. You are young and sound like a strong woman. Your husband should not be embarrassed of your son, it should be the other way around. If he would open his eyes he would realized that the world is very tolerant nowadays. As hard as divorce is, you come out stronger. If you go it alone while married, you might as well do it on your own, your own way. There are wonderful men out there, tolerant, giving men. Life is too short to deal with unpleasantries, there is just too much to do. Whatever you do, be happy. Your son will feed off of all the fighting. Be happy for you and your son. Best of luck.
D. TD

Hi N.,
I also have a son with the exact same diagnosis. POD NOS and ADHD. He is a handful but he surprises me everyday. I also have problems with his dad. Very embarassed it seems at times. I think you need to do what you feel is best for your son. Taking him to social functions is the best way to teach him better social skills. It is hard you do have to check on them but I am sure with your son your friends and family are understanding. When my son is having an "off" day where he is less social people in our surroundings are understanding. I think its harder for dads. I feel a disconnection between my son and his dad. Maybe its because dad's dont stay home as often as moms. Moms are more attached. I dont know the reason. And it is sad. But if it is a relief for you it may be best for you and your son. I know when i am stressed my son picks up on it and is usually stressed himself then.. If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to message me. My son is 7 and i also have a 2 year old little girl. I'm 29. I stay at home. I am the involved parent with my son. Doc appts. school functions...etc... I wish the best for you and your family.. good luck

I am so sorry about all that you are going through. I too have a 4 year old with PDD, and I have a 1 year old who doesn't sleep. Somedays I can hardly function and I cry at my desk. I too go to all of her appointments, and am currently in the process of applying for SSI and a Medical Access card. It's so overwhelming. My husband is generally good with her, but loses his cool often. She is not potty trained, and that is a big issue. I don't have much advice to offer you, but know there are many others out there who share in the ups and downs with children like ours. It may be too late for your husband, but there are many support groups for parents. Perhaps he could go a meeting without your son to start and then build up to play dates? I'm sure it's not a simple as that. I wish you the best of luck and I will pray that he turns around.

Hi N.,
I too have an autistic child named Summer (PDD-NOS) who just turned four years old yesterday (5/26). As you stated life has its up and downs when you have to care for a special needs child or any child for that matter. It can become overwhelming and frustrating and the last thing you need is to have to be mentally drained from the very person who is supposed to support and encourage you, which is your spouse. I don't think you should feel bad about your feelings in concern with your husband moving out. Maybe this is what you two need right now so that he can gather his thoughts and make a sound decision in regards to being with his family and loving his son unconditionally. I am a divorced parent of three and I know how hard it gets when you feel alone and overwhelmed. The blessing is you have good supportive friends and a child who I know loves you dearly. If your husband wants his family without conditions then he will be back. In the meantime focus on you and your child and enjoy the blessing you have been given. I wish you well and God bless you.

N., Hi. It sounds like you both really need a break. And maybe couseling. Your husband doesn't have to feel the exact same way you do about your son. Each of us love our children in different ways and Fathers look at their children far differently than Mothers do even when they are "normal". The relief you are feeling may just be because you are feeling stressed trying to meet the needs of both the men in your life...and feeling guilty because you aren't doing it the way you feel you should. We are always our own worst critics. by taking himself out of the equasion he is giving you one less thing to "worry" or stress about. But in the long run will that help you, him or your son? Will you be able to stay home with your son if your husband moves out? How will your son's life change if Dad isn't in the picture full time? Will the three of you be able to handle the stress of visitations? Or seperate households? Before the two of you pack it in talk to someone. Only the two of you can make the best decision for your family, but get some outside help before you pack bags. Good luck and best wishes.

Your are on the right track. If he can not accept your child then he does not need to be with either of you. May be he will be a better Dad to his son when he does not live with you both. Sometimes as you know love is not enough if you do not have emotional support from your spouse. Keep on doing what you are doing there is no need to question your feelings or motives because they are for the right thing which is taking the best care of your son and providing him love and emotional support.

Hi N.

You must be going through so much emotionally right now. Two tough men to deal with. My only suggestion is to get counseling for you, as a couple and as a family. He obviously needs help learning how to deal with his emotions involving his son. Hopefully counseling would help him be more accepting and involved with his son. He may feel guilty or ashamed, like he has fault for his son's condition. If he won't agree to counseling, then do what is best for you and your son. Maybe just going yourself before deciding to give him the boot would help you sort it all out as well. Best of Luck to your family.

Hello N.,
I wrote a long e-mail to you...tried to change it to private and it was erased. After 20 years of marriage with a handicapped child I have a few questions for you.
One- What will you do when your child is an autistic teen...how will you be able to manage his size?
Two- The man you married is probably still the same (they don't change much) so...isn't is just the circumstasnces that have changed?
Three- Are you playing the "I'm the mommy so I know am the only one that can help my child tune?" (because I was)

Your husband is ego centered...he needs to feel needed in this situation otherwise unintentionally you are pushing him away. If you put him first...things will fall back in line, and surprisingly he'll become the support person you are looking for with your son.

Time has made my husband and I realize how much we need each other. That has boosted our love and respect. Life is only going to be more sand paper, only your husband and you working together will help things smooth out.
If someday there is a cure or advancement in aid for children with autism then you lost your husband in vain.

Sometimes distance makes people realize where and who they are. It is obvious that you seem to already know how you feel and it's time that your husband needs to find just that and face the music if whether he can continue in this relationship with you and your son. You are totally fine in feeling the way you feel. After so long, of this madness we all need to face the music one way or another.

Best of luck.
M..

?

I would suggest counseling.

I beg to differ though with opionion that husband's relationship comes first. Seems he has a problem accepting that his son has a disability and you are right in trying to socialize him. Your son needs yes 2 parents who fully accept who he is and willing to work at it together.

How is it with his friends and family?

I think you have some great responses already. since i know the issue is more complex, i don't know if my ideas will help but i thought i would share them anyway.
Is there anyway that your husband could become more involved in the dr appts, therapy etc etc. He might not be hearing (and i mean that in the MAN way of actually listening and understanding) any improvement that your son is making OR the value of exposing your son to the world. Hearing it straight from the Dr may make a difference, in helping him understand why you want this for your son.

Do you and your husband get any time to go out with out your son? I know that isn't what you asked advice about but it may strenghten your relationship with your husband and help you feel like you get a break from the mommy grind.

I also wondered if your husband was a social person to start with or if he was always was a bit reluctant and now your son is his excuse to stay home.

I think it all comes down to you and your husband being able to talk about your son and any embarrassment, other feeling, depression etc. Because there are compromises if are both (you can't control some one who isn't cooperating) willing to find them.
For a compromise, I would suggest, bringing an adult relative or babysitter or someone your son has a postive relationship with who could "babysit" your son while you and your husband relaxed at the party. Another compromise would be avoiding hanging out with certain families ( or types of get togethers) that seem to be an extreme trigger for your son. I know my children have certain friends that they play better with than others. "Maybe one family instead of a party with 20 people. If you husband sees that you are trying to meet him halfway, maybe he would be more willing to go to certain peoples houses.

Finally i would also suggest looking for things your son and husband can do together without you along. And they don't have to be with other people. Walking at the beach during off peak times, going fishing,going to the library for books, hanging out in the garage working on cars, what ever your son is capable of. They need to have a relationship. I know you can't make someone do what they don't want to, but trying to set up a situation where they can discover each other would be so priceless.

Like i said, i don't know if any of this is even possible at this point, or appropriate for your situation, but i thought i'd offer it. I wish the best for you and your family.

My grandfather at my wedding gave me this advice "always make sure you are pulling on the same end of the rope in life". It sounds like you are it's just you both have different ideas what's best. If you would do anything for your son even step in front of a bus for him, why not work on your marriage?

My husband bbsits my daughter at all functions & I'm grateful. It gave me the break I needed and I always tell him how much I appreciated it. I think your husband is great for keeping a close eye on your son and being sensitive to his comfort and to other kids. Have your husband talk to therapists or print out articles that support your point that the stimulus is good-especially since your son is high functioning to convince him to not stay home. Make sure you keep encouraging the behavior by acknowledging how it's hard in public and tiring and he's missing some grown up fun but how great it is to teach your son how to behave in socially acceptable ways at such a young age -he's better than kids who are kept away OR are allowed to do anything b/c "they are autistic". Once a month to have your husband get 1 on 1 time while you read at the library or run all the errands might help - he might enjoy the time with his son and that's why he wants to stay home.
I remember everyone telling me to take time out for myself and I thought, I don't have time to shower let alone do something more. It's still worth it. Special Ed majors in college make great babysitters or parents w/ autistic kids and carve out one night a month for you and your husband AND ban the subject of kids. Make a list of things you want to do in the future, places you want to visit etc. it's amazing how quick you can lose long term perspective when your kids have high needs. You and your husband need each other to get through this. Put each other 1st and your kids 2nd and you'd be surprised how everyone thrives. Kids track when you are PO'd and become more needy; you and your husband getting along better will relax your son. Your husband offered to move out -he might just need reassurance that he matters and is important too.

It is very difficult to put effort into a special needs child as well as your marriage. Have you considered couseling for you and your husband? It definitely sounds like it is something that you can work through with the correct guidance. In the long run it will be better for your son if the two of you can work together on his behalf. Even if you split up your son will spend time with his Dad and will then experience two completely different approaches to his needs. Your son will need consistentcy in order to reach his full potential, whether you remain together or not. You are a great Mom seeking to do all that his best for your child so keep going that direction.

Hi N.,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm wondering if you two might be willing to seek some counseling to help you parent better as a team. Having a special needs child is exhausting! I know your child comes first, but your marriage should be right up there. It's the backbone of the family. Marriage is tough. This is not the only difficult phase you two will go through. Make it through this and you only get stronger. Try to remember why you two first fell in love and then don't give up! Blessings, N..
M.

who needs another child..you son need stimulation also as do the both of you..we have all children that are with no issues as of yet...but marriage is stressful anyway..can you just take your son and leave your husband home

find a social worker or therapist that specializes in families with autistic children and start seeing them unless you really want to divorce and just haven't admitted it to yourself yet. It will be the only way to get the open communication flowing. If your husband says "we don't need therapy" you can make it seem like you want to go as a "preventative measure". Having a third party who is neutral look into your marriage with you helps in so many ways.

good luck

I'm sorry you are going through this. And I think your feelings probably reflect your personality, your view on life and your feelings for your family. If you feel your husband is adding to the stress of your circumstances, it makes sense you feel relieved about him offering to leave. I don't have personal experience but I watched a friend whose son has Asperger's go through a tough marriage. Her husband had trouble accepting their son's diagnosis and didn't provide much help through the appointments, changes, tantrums, etc. He also wasn't able to help her deal with her emotions. My friend was emotionally and physically drained for a long time. She left her husband and felt a huge weight was lifted from her shoulders. They divorced on good terms about 4 years ago and are very good friends. They just couldn't be good as husband and wife in light of their son's special needs. Good luck to you!

N.,
I have absolutely no experience in your situation with raising a child with PDD-NOS and my prayers are with you and your family. The only advice I can give is this: (as I have learned in my marriage as well.) We are Christians in our home. We are not extreme nor are we 'pushers' of the word. We still like to have our friends over have a beer and have 'fun.' There are too many stereotypes out there. Anyway... my point is this. This is the order of priorities I have learned and almost gave up on my marriage awhile ago until we went to the pastor of our church. #1 God #2 Spouse #3 Children, even those with special needs. You should never put your children before your marriage. Maybe that is what your husband is feeling I don't know but you need to talk it out together. He needs to also be attentive and accepting of your son that you created together. Your marriage will suffer and there will be nothing left if you put your children first before your husband. My advice is go talk to someone anyone involved in a church in your area. Maybe seek counseling with someone who specializes in marriage with special need children.
Good luck and hang in there!
Chris

Well no one ever wants what you are going threw and no one ever excepts it to happen that way. Maybe some time apart might do your marriage so good. Give your husband a chance to sit down and see what is going on. You are still young and you where given a child that is very special in his own way. And you are caring for him with out much of a complaint on how your life has changed. Just remeber that things happen the way the do for a reason. You sound like a strong women and You will make it threw this. Have you looked into support groups with other parents that have children with the same condiotn? Maybe your husband needs to see that other parents do go threw it also. Best of Luck.

Wow,
You must be very tired. Before I decided to stay home with my two little ones, I was a Special ed teacher, and I worked with many students with Autism. I can't even imagine how much energy it takes just to get through the day. I don't really have any advice for you, since I have never been in that situation, but I just wanted you to know my thoughts are with you! Although, I do think it it is better to expose your son to as many of the activities as possible.

I am sorry you are going through this but I have to say shame on your husband. He should be proud of his son whether they are at home or in public. You have the right idea in putting your son first. I have a nephew just like your son and while I have seen and babysat (with assitance) that he can be a lot to handle someitmes, it's not always bad. I notice someitmes that he will play in the room with the kids but do his own thing. Your son should be exposed to those things and while he will always need some assitance as long as therapy is kept up and what not he can have a life when he gets older. It sounds like that maybe your husband cannot handle him out in public or is indeed ashamed of him and that really isn't healthy for your son. He needs to be with people who love and support him no matte where he goes and what happens. I don't think it's odd for you to feel the way you do, in fact this may be the best thing for you and your son. I have to say kudos again for doing what's best for your son. I am sorry that you had to go through this with your husband. Hope all works out for the best for you guys and take your bow, you definitely did the right thing. At least your son has someone who loves him unconditionally.

I'm sorry, I don't have marriage advice for you....but I wanted to pass along a website you might be interested in.
www.pecanbread.com has info about an amazing diet for autistic kids that has produced amazing results for those that have faithfully followed it. My daughter is using the diet for another health reason, she is not autistic, but it has done absolutely wonderful things for her. Doctors do not always look to diet for answers, but it can do incredible things. Have you heard of Jenny McCarthy? She was using this diet for her son. It does not hurt to give it a try. You don't really have anything to lose by trying. I have heard of many kids on the diet who lost their diagnosis. Not just Jenny's son. There is a pecanbread yahoo group. Most of the moms on this group have kids with autism. You can join and ask other moms there for help.

Most likely your child will need care for the rest of his life which I am sure you are ready to provide. If you husband isn't on board with being seen in public with his son then perhaps it is best if he leaves but before that happens at least see if he will try counseling. Special needs children can be a tax on family life if the two parents aren't on the same page. They also can be one of lifes greatest joys because they teach you to appreciate the little things in life. Special needs children are nothing to be ashamed of but unfortunately some men take it as a strike against their manhood ( they can't fathom that they could produce a child that wasn't normal). Before you call it quits sit down and have a serious talk with your husband.

Every marriage has a obsticle to overcome. I went through alot with my husband and I went through a depression time and went to nursing. I had all the responibility in the hous3e with the car everything. I felt like a was a single mom. He left me for awhile and came back. This was the hardest time in my life. I can maybe help you with the ADHD. Will you need something to make money at home if he isn't there. I have something if you need it. Go to this website: www.wealthandwellnessteam.com. Push on webcast. Then push on guest and member. Type your name in and I will be there to. Go on Thurs at 12. My name is pat-G. You sure need to be there for your son. Let me know.

Hi N.,

You are kind of stuck in a tough situation, aren't you? It's too bada there aren't some groups around where you could go as a couple to do things with other parents of autistic kids. We have a couple of friends who have 3 autistic sons. The oldest is now 17 and he has a job doing dishes at a local restaurant. He helps take the offering at church. And he knows EVERYONE's birthday. I kid you not. EVERYONE's, right down to the year. And he makes hand-made birthday cards and mails them to everyone in our church, just in time for their birthdays. It is so cool. Yes, he's autistic. No, he doesn't really interact with people much, except in one=liners that there are specific responses you are supposed to give -- responses I usually get coached on by his dad. But he's contributing to people's lives, caring for them in little ways here and there.

It IS hard to parent an autistic child, and, like any parenting, it's easier to do as a team. Your husband isn't home all the time like you are, so he hasn't had the same amount of time to deal with the whole thing that you have had. And he's probably tired after work and wants to relax. However, going ANYWHERE with a child, to parties, or whatever, is still an act of babysitting, whether the child is autistic or normal.

On the other hand, you noted you can still be civil to your husband -- that's sad, too. There's a whole lot more to marriage than living together in civility. I would be totally lost without my best friend in my life, and, frankly, I'm not always civil to him. Well, I probably am out loud, but I'm not always civil in my head. But he's a good buy and hardly notices when I'm in a snit. :-) This year he did a lot of Spring hunting, and I was kind of angry inside, because I would set aside his day off for a day we could do things together, and he'd go off hunting. grrr . . but you know what ? I awoke Memorial Day with him having gone MIA. I located him (at 6:45, mind you) in the garden, weeding it for me .. . wow !! I was so shocked, and felt very, very loved.

If there is a way to relight the flame in your marriage, I would vote for that, maybe by you allowing your husband into the mom/son cocoon, and also by him learning to work with his son and share the responsibilities of parenting. You also need to have someone who will babysit (like a parent or relative?) so you can do adult and fun things together, too.

Parenting is a team process in a marriage. As a team, you will both have different ideas of how to do it, and you will both do it differently. The good thing is that you will also have more ideas of how to handle stuff when there's a problem, and you will have each other to cling to and share the burden when times are tough. But it does mean that you won't always agree, and those times can be horrible.

I am hoping you guys can work through this, because this is HIS son, too. If not, definately be civil. But if it doesn't work out, you may still need to help your husband to parent his son. That way he will have better visitation time, and you will get some "time off", which is incredibly important when you're a single mom. Frankly, I've been married, and I've been a single mom. Being a single mom was easier than being married to my ex-husband, but being married to my current spouse is a walk in the park compared to being a single mom. And he's saved my kids a whole lot of trauma because he is a very calm person, and he keeps me calmer than I would otherwise be.

I hope things work out for you guys. Life is hard, and we do get handed challenges that we don't feel up to meeting, but we don't really have the option on them. But there are also some wonderful blessings out there when love wins over the things that divide us.

Well, since your first feeling was relief when your husband offered to move out I would say you are moving in the right direction!

It sounds like you two need a weekend away to talk. Its really hard to have a special needs child but its even harder to do it on your own. You both are going through this and need to work as a team. If you can try to put your husband higher up on the list of things you need to take care of I'm sure he'll do the same. A marriage can't work when you only live in the same house and not work together with things. I have a son with PDD-NOS and three other children. My husband didn't agree with me on things for the longest time. It was hard. But once we talked it out, really listened to each other and then found out what each other wanted from the other. Things worked out.

Hi N.,
I have to agree with Chris and Mara. Your realtionship with your Husband should come first. I know how hard that is. We want to protect our kids more than anything. But we marry our husbands for better or worse 'till death do us part. We raise our children to be adults and be independent of us. We should be growing closer in our realtionship with our spouse and slowly growing independent of our children even ones with special needs. I have a BIL with Downs. He can not live on his own, but my In-laws make him as independent as they can. Please try and talk with your husband and see if you guys can get some help in better understanding each other and as well as parenting as a team. I am sure this isn't want you wanted to hear and I do feel for you. I am not trying to sound like this should be easy for you. But like Mara said, if you guys can get through this, I doubt you will regret it. It may feel better to take the easier route, but for your son's sake, isn't it worth trying the harder route to build a better marriage. May God bless you and I wish you the best.

First of all, I have to say that you have to do what is right for you and your family. Second of all, feelings are feelings. They are not wrong or right. We don't control them. They just are. What we control is how we act on them.

All that being said, I have to ask "Does your husband have a valid point?" I am not saying that you tell or ask him to babysit your son at these events. However, he is at work most of the time while you are with your son at home. If he is feeling as if your son needs more monitoring than maybe he actually does, he may feel like he needs to be the one to do so at these parties so that you can get a break or because he doesn't think you are doing it.

It really sounds like the two of you are not communicating. It, also, sounds like he would like a bigger say in how your son is being raised. It, also, sounds like you need some time just to you so that you can relax and destress. Can you ask your husband to give you a couple of hours one night per week where you go out and just do something for you? That might
give your husband some time alone with your son to let him know him better and be a bigger part of his life. Also, if you could find a sitter, someone you trust and your son can be comfortable with, then maybe you and your husband could take some time just to yourselves. You could spend the time talking and reconnecting while you work through the problems you are having through discussion. If you can't do it on your own, you might also want to talk to a marriage counselor.

The point is that if the two of you can sit down and address the problems in a civil way and look for solutions, you can find out if it can work or if you really do need to separate. I'm not telling you to stay with your husband or to leave your husband. I'm recommending you take a little time to figure it out together. You may decide that it is worth a little work and you can make it together. Or you may decide that you've grown too far apart but will separate amicably for the sake of your son. Since you say you love your husband, I think it is worth exploring the possibility of whether or not you can make it work. When it comes down to it, even if you separate or divorce, you will still need to work things out regarding your son.

While I'm certain that your son even with all of his problems is a great blessing. The difficulties that come with his problems are a great test of your marriage. It will take a lot of working together to learn to handle all of the hurtles your son's conditions bring up even if you decide to do so apart.

I wish you the best of luck as you move forward. I hope that the two of you are able to work through your problems, one way or another, and work together to raise your son. He needs you both.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

N.,

You have a lot of great advice. I'm with those who say don't give up on your husband. Your son needs both of you, and he needs to see you stick together. My son has ADHD, and though that's obviously not at severe as what you're dealing with, and my husband and I have often disagreed about how to handle him. Counseling has helped tremendously. Also...remember the airlines who say you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on your children. It seems you're totally drained by the situation. You need to find a way to revive yourself before you can help your son or be a good wife. Take some breaks when you can...do something YOU enjoy so you're refreshed to deal with them.