"How to Handle a Stepson"

You don't need to know how to handle the step-son, you need to know how to handle the older child (yes, I do mean the one you're married to). Get counseling - NOW

I have a child that has been diagnosed with ADHD and is on medication to try to help with her mood swings, irritability, and aggression. The incident with toilet papering a house does sound like normal kid stuff. However, with a child that has ADHD, consistency is very important. We have to maintain a strict schedule and make certain that we don't promise anything (punishment or reward) that we don't fully intend on keeping. On the issue of being the step-parent in the situation... My husband is her step-father. There are some added difficulties because of that. We recently had a son (who is his biological child) and that didn't seem to change his understanding or the way he handles my daughter. Mainly, it didn't change the fact that she doesn't see him as her "daddy".

T.,

You are right to be concerned that your husband is not following through with the punishments he tells your stepson. Children of all ages need and desire consistentcy and discipline. I used to teach 8th graders at Boys Town in Omaha, NE and the entire system was built upon every action has a consequence; good and bad. So as I'm sure you reward your stepson for good behavior, there has to be some negative impact on his bad choices or those choices will just become more and more extreme as his desire for attention will increase.

In regards to your stepson's ADHD, I shop through a wellness company that has alot of research on their vitamins and the nutrients they have to help ADD and ADHD. Our 13-year neice has been diagnosed with ADD and was on Ritalin (sp?) but my sister-in-law worked with the doctor's to slowly decrease her dosage as she took the vitamins over time. Within 2 weeks 2 of her 8 teachers at school noticed huge improvements and my sister-in-law had not informed them of changes she was making. Please contact me if you're interested in learning more, OK? I have a bunch of research I can share with you as I understand the challenges you face.

For the ADHD I personally would look into diet and vitamins to see if you can help that before going the prescription route. My SS took ritalin for 3 years and there are long-term affects.

Next I would use the love & logic approach with him. If you could get your dh to go to a class (preferable) or listen to some of their cd's, MAYBE he'll come around with the discipline. Your ss is going to continue to rebel and get much, much worse over the next few years without loving, consistent parents around. And you can't do it yourself.

You are not alone. I have three boys, all out of high school, two of them in college and one is grown with three children not living with him. My eldest son had the AHDD symptoms, but it was never noticed at school. They only said he had a learning disability. Wish I knew then what I know now because helping him concentrate would have made all the difference in his life.

Believe me, I know "boys will be boys" and I have lived through it, mainly with the eldest son and my youngest son. Eleven is about the age they start changing, becoming independent and thinking they know everything. Some talk back but some stay just as sweet as they were when they were younger. His experiences may stem from not having his mom around and trying to get a reaction from you and his dad. But, he IS just a kid needing attention, maybe even more family time before he gets into his teens. THEN, THEY REALLY CHANGE and want to be social with their friends.

Maybe you can take him to special places alone and start getting him to trust you and respect you. Once that is received, talk to him about some of the things kids do that really are not seen as good in the community. Toilet-papering houses is against the law in some states, but IF the victims know they are getting papered ahead of time, it is different. They are just being kids but they should have had to go clean it up and apologize to the people they papered. Also, PLEASE start watching who he hangs out with. This is the age of experimenting a lot of things; girls, drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, RAP music or other tastes of music, on and on. In school during drug-free week, they stress not using drugs, but they also need to stress not drinking because it is against the law, too. Junior high is the start. Some religions drink wine with their children during holidays or dinner, so my eldest was exposed to it that way and LOVED going to dinner at their home. Drugs are getting easier to buy for kids on the street because dealers have kids selling it for next to nothing to get kids addicted (I've watched this on documentaries). Kids can go to RAVE clubs and get them there, too! Raising teenagers is A LOT OF WORK but if you keep an eye out on warning signs, know their friends, be involved AT THEIR SCHOOL, keep them involved~ it can be so rewarding and you can change their lives for the better.

I am not a doctor but have known many friends whose children have ADD and AHDD. A doctor who specializes in this or even an allergy doctor can tell you the types of foods and beverages to not give him, as well as ways to control his symptoms. Some say do not allow them to prescribe the ADD pill because of side effects, etc. My step-niece was not allowed to have peanut butter at school because she would bounce off the walls. My friend was her teacher.

I am so sorry you all are going through this and hope some peace and relaxation can come into your lives. He's young and you all can help him now before it gets any worse. Check the websites below for information.

http://www.nativeremedies.com/products/brightspark-hypera...
-in-children.html?ysmchn=GGL&ysmcpn=Google+Main&ysmgrp=ADD+Split
+Test+Phrase&ysmtac=PPC

Not sure if this second one is much, but worth a try. It warns against the ADD drug.

http://attentiondeficit-disorder.net/?gclid=CJGx5pLPv5MCF...

There used to be a powder at health food store, and I think I saw it or another one like it at Whole Foods Market and GNC. But the old one was called PLEX. Good luck!

Hi T.!
Here in my town, TPing a house is vandalism, and it is not just "boys being boys", it's illegal. If it happened to me I would want the kids to (at least) clean up the mess. This is not punishment, only making the wrong, right. I would maybe top it off by seeing if there was any community service the kids could do. This teaches the kid something about how to be considerate to neighbors, however anything that can show them how it feels to be on the receiving end of things is going to grow character.
I'm not sure what your husband means when he says, "I will understand one day when I have my own child." I have 4 children and if I let everything slide they would all become criminals. Every offense must have some sort of response befitting the offense. No, I do not understand why a man would want to respond with "boys being boys" unless he wants his son to think he has no spine.
If your marriage is going to last you might all need some family counseling. Parents must always be on the same page in a united front. This shows the children authority worth respecting, and they will feel much safer in this world with strong parents they can trust. If the child knows he can divide you, he will continue doing it until he has destroyed the marriage completely.
Who's running the show? The kid or the parents?
T., girlfriend.... This really has to stop asap. Here is a url for a program that might help your husband AND your step-son. It's called "Total Transformation" and it is by Dr. James Lehman.
http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/?dsource=googleb&am...
If the url doesn't show up, type the above title into your browser.

GBU, and I hope something gives for you very soon! Keep me posted.

Your problem is your husband. My ex used to really favor his daughter over my children. He would give her money and sneak it to her so she could go out and drink. Then my children would so some little thing that I know they needed grounded for and were. He let her treat me aweful. I think they even staged some of the stuff they did to appeas me. If he does not stick to his guns in discipline then the next step as a teen will be even worse. I went to Tough Love for a long time and there were plenty of parents who adored and loved their children but basically it is good parenting. It is teaching them to become adults and to learn to correct their own behavior. We have to take away and add back a little at a time. This is not being boys this makes creates time in someones life that has to go out and redo what they did. I have a 10 yr old granddaughter I am raising and my biggest fear is her teen years. I was so upset over three teen children over a few years until they all left home. Still those years have come between us as adults now.The most pain anyone could endure is watching your children make big mistakes and they have to learn to make choices. Beware this can come between your marriage and when you have a child with this man. That boy may resent it some aweful. I was going through the change at the time my children were also going through the change. Miserable. G. W

T.

If I could rewrite what you wrote, I would put my name. When my husband and I got married there were two children. A 15 year old female and a 10 year old son. The 15 year old did everything under the sun including running up a $500 phone bill in less than 3 weeks. My husband looked the other way. As we talk about it now(we have been together 19 years), his excuse was that he did not want to alienate his kids. He felt if he played the heavy with them that they would not want to be around him and come visit anymore. Things only got worse when our first child came along. He accused me of putting our child before them and just not understanding. That was not the case. Once again it was his feeling like his children would pull away from him if he showed any true emotions toward our child.

I would suggest that you try counseling. A counselor will tell your husband that he cannot be the "good guy" in situations that require a strong parent. The counselor will also show you both how to deal with discipline issues. If you do not nip things in the bud now, you will be miserable when you should be happy.

Never argue over discipline where your stepson can hear. Do talk to your husband and explain how important this issue is now and that you are not always coming down on the stepson. If you disagree with each other now on discipline it will be the same with the child that you will share.

T.,
I'm a step mom too, also to an almost 10 yr old boy w/ADHD. Over the years we had alot of problems with discipline. Not only between my husband and I but also their mom. Our rules were often different than her's. One thing that we decided early on was that no matter what, we would always back each other up in front of the kids, even if we didn't agree with what the other person was doing/saying. We have also been very clear as to our expectations of the kids and consequences for their actions. And then we follow through with those consequences. If you don't, then the kids will figure out that you're going to let them do whatever they want and they will certainly test you. My suggestion is that you sit down with your husband and in a very non threatening way ASK him what he thinks the rules and consequence system should be. I find that if I approach my husband by saying that I need his help and what does he think we should do to solve this problem that it is much better recieved than if I say "I think we should do ..." The other suggestion that I have is getting your stepson involved. He is old enough to help come up with the household rules and consequences. And quite often children are our best guides for punishment as they know what will really affect them ie.. what video game is the most important etc... One other thing that we started doing instead of spankings was making the kids do PT..25 jumping jacks, 25 situp etc.. it helps get the energy out and was good for us too because we would do it with them. Good luck to you. Last piece of advice...remember consistency and follow thru is the most important thing in disciplining kids.

My son is 5 and he has severe ADHD with moodswings and he takes Trileptol a mood stabelizer it works ok but they can't do much for 5 years olds because of the brain chemistry but they may be able to help your step son.

good luck
A. J

The advice would be to just stay out of it and smile a lot.
What your husband is doing is called Parental guilt. Guilt for not having mom and Dad under the same roof. It is normal. keep the peace by staying out of this one

I have no advice but I am in the same situation you are so I feel for you.

I'm not sure you need advice on how to handle your stepson. I think you need advice on how to handle your husband (and how he handles his stepson). Going away for 30 minutes and not coming back right away is wrong. Unusual? I wouldn't say so. Toilet papering a house? Wrong...but funny (just don't let your stepson know that). Punishable by being grounded seems extreme to me. However, the biggest mistake is threatening punishment and not following through with it.

My daughter is only 2, but thinks she doesn't have to listen either. She hates timeout. We can threaten her to stop doing whatever it is she's doing or she goes into timeout when we count to 3. If we count to 3, and she doesn't stop, she goes into timeout. The next time something happens, we don't even count past one before she is quickly doing what we ask. If we had just counted to 3 and not followed through, she would ignore us the next time too. I know timeout isn't going to work for an 11 year old. But if a 2 year old can pick up on an empty threat and ignore it, surely an 11 year old can as well.

If this is your example of the terrible things your stepson is doing, you are in for a rude hormone experience. Confidence, especially in a ADHD child is good, but obedience must be law. Trust me when I say, tpeeing a house is not worth fighting over. Not knowing if he was safe is not acceptable.
You and your husband need to get on the same page. Understand the problem won't get better and you two need to discuss this. Don't approach it defensively, but let him know how much you love his son and want things to go better.

It is important to follow through when a child does something wrong...but, I can tell from having three children of my own...age 11 is the age where they want to show how "smart" they are and it comes across like they think they know everything. It is a stage and kids grow out of it...and on to another difficult stage. Usually talking to the child and telling them why you shouldn't do this or that works as good as punishment at this age. They really appreciate being talked to and treated like they are "grown up" enough to have a discussion instead of just rushing into punishment. So, talk, talk and more talk. It may take a while to get through, but you will get through and life will be much easier, especially if you recognize that this is a part of your step-son growing up. Oh, the toilet paper thing is a normal childish prank, BUT they need to understand how hard it is for the other person to clean up, etc.

OMG! I used to be married to man just like that. It is so frustrating. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do except to back off. You will NEVER win. In one breath they say, "treat him like he's your own son" and the minute you do something that is in the discipline realm you get, "you don't understand, he's not your kid." It's a horrible place to be in. The weekend daddy syndrome is hard to handle. Of course the boy ahould have a consequence for vandalizing other people's property, you know that, I know that, everyone knows that, but daddy doesn't want to make him sad.
Best of luck to you,
J.

I have a theory or philosophy about kids being kids . . . yes toilet papering houses is a kid thing to do, I did it and my kids will probably do it. Kids cuss and experiment with bad words and so on. BUT, as parents its our job that when they get caught, there is some sort of consequence. Its not the end of the world that he TPed a house, but he has to be punished for it. Its destructive, it costs people time and money to clean up . . . and he is rebelling. I believe that if kids don't have some sort of boundaries then their rebellion can go really far, like well dad thinks its ok (message sen by no consequence) and just kid stuff to TP a house so next time it will be spray painting a wall some where. I am no psychologist or anything, but it makes sense to me.

Dear T. H,

I have already said a prayer for all of you. Your marriage has to come first. You and your husband need to talk about the situation with your stepson. Most probably, HE should be the disciplinarian, since the boy is HIS son. You may have to go to couseling in order to get something settled, but saying one thing and doing another is doing the boy nothing but harm. If your husband doesn't intend to discipline the boy, he shouldn't say that he intends to. If he says it, he needs to follow through. Of course, your husband may be feeling some sort of guilt over the situation with his son. You didn't say whether or not the boy lives with the two of you permanently or only visits, whether the boy's mother is living or dead, etc., so I don't know the circumstances. What I DO know, however, is that although no child would state that they want discipline, it does show them that parents care enough about them to want to do what is right. I do not mean PUNISHMENT, but DISCIPLINE. There is a difference. Children need to learn that there are consequences to their behavior. You and your husband need to decide together how to handle the boy while he is at your home. His future, and your marriage, depend on it.

Deb D

Shoot me your personal email addy...I have something that has helped me with my stepson who is 11.

It makes me so mad when people assume that just because you have no kids you don't know anything! My husband does this as well with his son. I'm glad to know there's a name for it--parental guilt. You are totally right is your feelings. I think counseling will help a lot--it did for us.

T.,

I had this problem with my stepson and my first husband.
My ex-stepson is 33 now. Thank goodness he's never been in really bad trouble, but he has never kept a job for more than a few weeks at a time. His self-esteem is very low. His father still has to help support him and let him move back in with him from time to time. My ex-husband realizes where he went wrong now, with no consistency and no follow-through with consequences. I hope you can get through to your husband now because there really can be long-term effects. I would suggest the next time your stepson misbehaves, do encourage your husband to ground his son. But instead of just making him stay home, or taking TV or video games away from him, have your stepson help your husband DO something, build something, fix something, etc. Use the time to teach him a new skill. Kids thrive with accomplishments!

Hope this helps!
A.

My stepdaughter is 12, and ADD. She has lived with her father and I for the school year for 3 years now. You need to reach an agreement with your husband before you can solve anything with your stepson. I've been very lucky, in that I have always had equal authority to discipline my stepkids. I even have a good relationship (by email) with her mother now. My husband and I also have an agreement that we stand together when it comes to the kids. The other posters are right - empty threats will sink you. I understand your frustration - we feel like we've tried everything with my stepdaughter, and nothing seems to affect her behavior. This year has been the most extreme - we went so far as to take everything except clothes out of her room and put it in the garage. She didn't have tv, computer or phone privileges for months. It has taken most of the school year, but we are finally seeing some improvement in her behavior. Ours is more passive aggressive, and she rarely talks back to us. She has a solid history of lying, though, and has not done well keeping up in school. Focus on your husband first. You have to be a team, or you are fighting a losing battle.

I am a grandmother that has been in a situtation with
step-kids, your problem is not so much your step son its
your husband you need to sit down and talk to your husband and set up rules and for him to follow through on the punishment but to involve you in the punishing to continue a harmonious marriage and family its hard enough but he needs to give you your place as a mother also. And about your son doing what he did yes it was being a boy but he should have let you know where he was at ( at all times)

I think the problem is not your stepson, but your husband. I would like to present several ideas. You can only change yourself. I would think that the problem is that he is not teaching him respect and authority. And that is the bottom line. Not everyone will give your son chances over and over because of his problems. But his problems can be used as excuses for some of his normal behavior. I would not necessarily be upset about whether he is disciplined, but that when your husband threatens it he seldom follows through and that is the most alarming thing in your post. I would see about getting him and you some parenting books, Dr. L. Schlessinger has some good ones out.
I would also seriously consider whether to have children with him since he is not parenting this one to well. I would also consider why he has such little regard for your feelings on the matter, since you said he gets angry when you try to talk about those things. He should be respecting your input and ideas. Unless you are not presenting them nicely. I can't think that he can be that wonderful. A son that is running amok, that he is unwilling to parent, teach, discipline, or control. And complete and blatant disregard for your feelings and thoughts on the matter. You guys need to work as a team to parent this young man before the police teach him the meaning of respect and discipline. And the law will, sooner or later from the sounds of your letter. But I am sure your husband will make excuses for the sons behaviour and be happy to bail him out.
I also think that some parenting classes or counseling would be helpful.
I can tell you that I have a 13, 11 1/2, and 8 sons. And they do try to get away with being sarcastic, disrespectful etc. And that I nor my husband let them get away with it. There is no letting it go. I don't punish for everything but I don't accept that either. After a few warnings then obviously they are not remembering to be respectful to their mom, and I do let them know and then deal with it. Sometimes I do punish, but sometimes we have a talk. But I call them on it everytime.
Your husband is teaching him to be disrespecful and to tolerate his behaviour.
Good luck,
L.