How to Handle M-rated Video Game at Friend's House

I'm not OK with M video games (where you are shooting and killing people) at all for anyone. So, I would make the request.

As a parent, if someone made that request of me, I'd have the game mysteriously go missing while the friend was over without informing my kid of the reason.

1) First, tell your son that you are very glad, that he come forth and even told you that. Not all kids, are so open with their parents. Keep encouraging him to do so and praise him for telling you.

2) Sure, let the Mom know. Just like, if a kid is allergic to some food, we as Moms tell the Host. That is the way I take it. It is nothing personal.... if you do not make it "personal" against that family or friend.
ie: my son has toy swords and water guns. The Mom of one of his friends, does not like her son to play with "weapons." Fine. No problem! I do not... take it personally against me or my son, because: the Mom does NOT make it "personal" against me or my son for having toys like that in our home or that my son plays with it.
So, it is fine. Perfectly fine. So, when that friend of my son is over at our house, I simply tell my son "remember, Jake is coming over, put away your swords and water guns..." and he does so. With no problem and he completely understands. And my son is 6 years old.
It is not a "problem." Because we do not make it a "problem" and moral issue. It is just a preference. And we are all friends.

3) But also, a child NEEDS to learn how to speak up. My kids are 6 and 10 and they do, even to a hosting parent. They WILL say "I'm not allowed to watch that kind of movie..." or "I don't think my Mom will like that... can I call her first to ask?" And they do. They know, what I would or would not approve of, while at someone else's home.
So... teach your son, to speak up, in a mature mannered way. As well.
BECAUSE, as a child gets older, they will be amongst ALL kinds of kids and media exposure. So, they NEED to be taught, how to DISCERN things too, and how to speak up... about it, in a tactful mature way. To others. And how to, know for themselves, what is appropriate or not.

It's very reasonable to ask the mother to not allow the game to be used while your son is there. I would only offer to have the kids play at your house if she objects to not allowing it. You're making a reasonable request. I think by offering to have the kids play at your house before she has a chance to agree is being too pushy.

I believe that it's always a parent's responsibility to uphold their values even while the child is at someone else's house. And it's the responsibility of the host family to honor such requests.

I taught my daughter to refuse to watch movies rated R and to come home if the family played one. She has taught her children to not watch PG 13 movies when they were less than 12 years of age. Families have always honored these requests when made by the children themselves.

I respected the values of my daughter's friends parents and now my grandchildren's parent's values. This is one reason it's important to get to know the parents of our children's friends before allowing them to visit.

It's important to be flexible about what can happen. You managed the situation well by not calling the mother on allowing the game. Now that you know it's in the home, it's reasonable to ask that your son not be exposed to it. Ask in a courteous and non-demanding way.

We're a gaming family with a 10yo.
My son has gaming friends.
We ALL have different rules.
We just touch base with other parents on what's allowed & what's not.

Ex)

My son plays a lot of M games
My son's friends play a lot if M games
DOES NOT mean they're the same games

Halo = okay
Saints Row = not okay

Halo = okay
Saints row = okay

The kids play Halo

We just manage per the lowest common denominator.

__________

Its really never been a big deal. We have a RANGE of games (so do most gamers). So I just touch base with parents when its a first time, or a new series gets bought.

Just because one THINKS anyone would think "Fine!" Doesn't mean it it. I've had parents who are fine with Portal2 & COD, that are NOT fine with Lego games, or Spongebob. Takes 10 seconds to check with parents. Easy.

Truthfully I would expect her to allow what she allows. Your preferences should not have any influence over her home. Your preferences are for your home.

She should not have to keep a list of "XX's mom allows this and this but not that or that", that is not her job, it is yours.

So it comes down to this with me, if you do not want him exposed to it keep him at home and do the play times at your home.

You do realize if "they" let him have this then he is likely to have others too and he is most likely showing your son other things too. I would not allow kids this different to play where they are out of my line of sight. They could play in the family room on the family TV and be able to have their activities in that same room, in sight.

Obviously this boy is getting an education much earlier that your child is and he will share everything he learns with your son.

I would just mention it to the other mom, where the boys can't overhear you...that last time the boys got together you heard they played video games including "whatever" rated M.

If I were "the other mom" and you mentioned it...I would make sure the boys didn't play video games or for sure not that title.

We have quite a few video games that my 8 year old plays that I am sure other parents wouldn't let their kids play. Both are rated T for teen and my husband plays them with our son. I would have no problem cutting that one title out for the afternoon, or even letting the other mom go over our games to see if any others are off limits.

Just because my kid is doing it, doesn't mean you want your kids doing it too. We all parent differently...

Let us know how it turns out!!

You really don't have any control over what goes on at other people's houses. I would be fine with another parent telling me, "I prefer that Aloysius not play video games unless they're E-rated," and I would not let my child be rude and play a game her friend was not allowed to play.
I WOULD have a problem with being asked not to allow my child to play her game while little Al was visiting. It's all in the phrasing. One is informing me of your rules for your kid. I'm fine with that. The other is telling me how to parent MY kid, and I am NOT okay with that.

So glad you posted this. My short answer is don't allow yourself to be intimidated or embarrassed into going along with things you don't agree with. My son is 8 and we've discussed that anything violent (killing people) is a no go zone and he either has to suggest they play something else or come home. I've also mentally rehearsed the awkward conversation I know I'm going to have to have with parents not only about video games, but also about unsupervised internet time. I am not looking forward to it, but I accept that in some cases (not all) I will be The Paranoid Overprotective Mom that No One Likes. Tough. It's my job to give him a childhood free of those images for as long as possible. Violent video games with sexual overtones are simply not OK. I realize that this means more work on my part to help him find friends whose parents feel the same way, but it's worth it, because there are other moms and dads out there who feel the same way, and who would be relieved to find another parent who is in their corner. Good luck.

Do it exactly like you stated here. Nice but to the point. Absolutely suggest that if it is too much to ask that their son not play that game while your son is there, that maybe this go around they could play at your house.

~I have a whole grip of boys and we are lax on *some* M rated games, like the Halo series for example, but there are some that are absolutely too violent and graphic for our kids and we don't buy them. Even as lax as I am I ALWAYS ask other parents what their feelings are on all our questionable games before the parents leave their kid behind. I am BIG on following other parents rules for their kids, as I would hope others would be with my rules and my kids!

So with that being said, don't be afraid to speak up about this. In this day and age it is something to be talked about! Communication is the key and IMHO, if any parent would take offense to this then you probably don't want your kid around them anyway.

You could do one of three things.

1. Tell your son that he shouldn't play the game (have gamer dad explain) and that if the friend wants to play it, ask for a different game or to do something else. If he understands the whys, he may not want to play anyway.

2. Talk to the parents about encouraging the boys to play another game/do something else. Bear in mind that THEY think it's fine, so this may not be honored.

3. Invite the boy to your home more than your son goes to his so that you can oversee the games they play.

I knew when I was a kid that I wasn't allowed to watch R movies, even outside the house. I had to learn to speak up for myself when it wasn't a family my mother knew well/did not have the same values. So were it my kid, I'd do mostly 1 and 3.

I would just explain that your son isn't allowed to play or watch M rated games yet. We have two sets of family friends who don't allow any games at all and hardly any screen time. When they are visiting the TV is off and all screens are tucked away. I know their policy at home and we honor that. My kids don't mind at all. For regular play dates I encourage actual play. I do allow them to play a video game for 30 min or so, but only if I know they are allowed to play games and if the play date is going to be a little longer than 2-3 hours. If the child is new to our home, we don't turn any screens on, since everyone has their own idea of what is acceptable at certain ages.

I wouldn't hesitate to just say he's not allowed or have your son stick up for himself and say he needs to play a different game. What a great kid to let you know.

There is a lesson in all this for your son. He has an opportunity to stand up for his values and to say that he is not allowed to watch or play this game. I know this is not an easy thing for a child to do but it is a necessary skill to develop especially as he gets older. Praise him for coming forward and help him come up with ways of telling his friend he can't play the game. You want him to learn to swim against the current when his peers are making a choice that is not good for him.

Boy, this is something I am not looking forward to.

I agree that offering to host is the best way, and I'd be proactive about just hosting at your house whenever possible. A dear friend and mentor of mine recently shared with me a piece of advice she had decided to hold onto: if you want to really know what's going on in your kids lives, be 'the house' the kids gather at.

I think it is reasonable, the next time the mom offers to host, to add that you know your son sometimes plays this game with his friend, and that you would prefer that the E games be played instead. That said, I have heard from other parents that this request isn't always honored (or, perhaps, seen to) by parents, so it's sort of a 'you know what goes on at their house, now you have to make a choice' sort of deals. If your son once again says he played a M rated game, I wouldn't get upset-- instead, thank him for being honest (because most kids aren't going to challenge a kid who seems more 'sophisticated' than themselves-- so his being honest will be a great asset in this situation) and just have the playtimes at your house.Once again, being the host house has its benefits.

I am going to assume the game may be Boarderlands2 ... could be wrong but it sounds about right. No, this is NOT a game my son would be playing either, I am a big gamer personally. I would have a conversation simply put that we do not allow our child access to this kind of "entertainment" - it is our choice. I am aware that you are fine with said game so as not to impose our parenting upon your household play dates are going to be restricted to our home only. I am sorry if this offends, it was not my intention. I do not allow anyone access to games such as this in my house with out speaking to a parent first - and if I know games will be part of the entertainment at a gathering at my house I put away all games I deem possibly questionable. Would you ask the children not watch a movie with such acts? It is my belief that video games and movies should be treated simmilarly, esp since you can "get lost" in a video game's world as you might in a movie or even a book.

its up to your son. he is 10 years old and know he isnt suppose to be playing the game. I can relate to this topic because we were raised in a super some what odd christian home. while i am christian i dont hold the same issues my mom did. we count watch scooby doo, the munsters, anything with majic or faries, beetle juice and others. we count wear black and white checks (as it was a battle between good and evil) no peace signs (its an up side down broken cross) idk seem extream to me and were much more relaxed. but i knew that when my friends were having a party and decided to watch bettle juice it was a movie i wasnt allowed to watch. i would go play outside or in the other room while they watched it. of course they would watch it go do something else then watch it again durring the party. at school when teachers handed out a halloween picture to color i told them i wasnt allowed too. they understood. just as i understood the rules. so my thoughts are allow your son to make the right choices. let your son have some options. (try to encourage him to steer his friends in a different direction of playing something else...a diff viedo game, foot ball outside, hide and seek anything but if the friend does not want to and demands to play tell your son to either call you to get him or go do something else.

Absolutely! I have even insisted when I watch my nieces and nephews that all M-rated games are put up until we leave(and their children are allowed to play them normally). The kids do grumble a bit, but they in general are good-natured about it, as they love seeing my son. In my case, the game was titled, "God of War" I'm a gamer, and have played many games(even based on my Nephews suggestions, then told him if it was appropriate for the kiddos).

It's your child, your rules. I'd tell them, and if they aren't going to abide by them(you'll know because your boy will tell you), then you simply cannot have him visit without you, as once that game is on, it's time to go. I have actually both said and done that.

Your offer is also reasonable, and a sensible Mother will take you up on it...then again, a sensible Mother will also understand and abide by your requests.

My approach is polite and firm, and the offer you mentioned is also sound. I do understand parenting is different for everyone.

Hope it works out well for you and your son.

I agree with both SH and Riley.

Yes, you should make your wishes known in a kind and respectful way.

BUT not all "M" rated games are created equally. Do your research so you can give an alternative as a compromise. Can they turn down the gore in the settings?

I think your offer is great. I would speak with the mom before hand and let her know how you feel. Then offer to host if she is not willing to put it away while your son is there. Good job Mama!

When my son was younger, his much older brother (18 years older) bought my son a video game. I can't remember what it was called, but my son knew right away it wasn't appropriate for him. He thanked his brother, but asked him if it would offend him if he traded it for something else. His brother had no problem with it. Not having any kids of his own, he didn't really think about his little brother's comfort levels.

Thankfully, my son, although young, knew he was not old enough for that game and made the decision himself to get a different one. My ex-husband and I didn't even have to use the "parent card" about it.

I guess there are a few ways you can handle this.
One would be to ask the parents if they can play something else when your son is over.
Two would be to let your son say that he doesn't like that game and suggest playing something else.
Three is to suggest that the boys play games at your house.

My son is 17. His repertoire has expanded as he's gotten older. However, he babysits for younger kids and won't allow them to play certain things when he's taking care of them. He certainly doesn't introduce things that are far above their ages with regards to what is appropriate.

I would hope that your son's friend would be happy playing other things with your son around. If his parents see nothing wrong with it, fine. He has all the permission and time to play those games. When it comes to your son, it would be good if they could play other things.

If he's not willing to do that for his friend, your son, then maybe they shouldn't play games at the other boy's house.

You're correct. You really have no right to tell other people what their kids can do in their own homes. If the friend gets a game, a video, a movie, or anything on the internet that your son knows isn't appropriate, he should just be able to call and go home. It might come to that.

Lots of people have allowed their kids to do things I never would have allowed my own children to do. They just knew to come home under those circumstances.

Again, there is always the option of the boys playing at your house so you can monitor and the other boy can do whatever he does at his own home.

Just my opinion.

Best wishes.

I am a big gamer and I don't let my 10 yr old , almost 11 yr old even watch me play M rated games, and I don't let them watch certain shows that I deem not good for kids.
They know this and when presented with this they tell their friends they aren't allowed to watch/play those games.
Honestly I wouldn't allow my child to go over to the friend's house if the parents are that careless about what they let their child play.
Thankfully it's only the shows they have had to say something about and my neighbor knows what they can and can't watch/ play and they have similar values , ( in video games at least)
Just talk to the parents of this child. And if they can't or don't accept what you prefer for your child don't let him go over there.

You will likely find that they parents are happy to go along with your way of thinking.

yes, it's reasonable. it won't be easy, but i would do the same thing. good for you for monitoring these powerful images. they DO affect our children.

I've already been through this and my kid is only 4 years old! His friend loves the Wii and my husband and I are against buying one until the kids are older, we are friends with his parents and are not being judgemental...we just like the fact that our kids are not yet into video games at all. His 4 year old friend has an older brother who's also really into video games.

When my son goes over there, he plays it a little. The mom does always ask me if it's okay and tells me exactly what they're playing. If it were a game like you're describing I would not be okay with it, and would tell the mother. If she wasn't agreeable, then I guess there wouldn't be anymore playtime at that friends house.

Most people I think would be receptive to your request. I think it often times comes down to not what you say, but how you say it.

Ok here is where you want tokeep your cool. Kid has opened up to you. Don't go make a big deal about it or he wont open up to you again. Ok lesson learned. If he wants to go over again say hey why dont you have so and so come over here or lets go here or there. When you are face to face with the mom you can bring up video games and how your son is young for his age and your worried about violent video games. Her oppinions and thoughts then get into you would prefer he didnt play those games yet