How to Handle This Child

My younger brother was somewhat like this, with similar tendencies. My mother finally had him seen by a doctor and he was diagnosed with a emotional disorder. Maybe this will help you as well, maybe not. Good luck.

I have a 6 year old who really struggles with listening, but I know she's just headstrong and a little "look before she leaps", just like me.

Have you had her evaluated for ADD or ADHD or even mild Autism? Some of the things you are describing sounds like it could be a more serious issue than just a personality difficulty.

Good luck!

J.,

I know what you are feeling. I have a 2 step daughters that live with us full time, and have for the last 3 years. I have been a part of their lives for the last 5 years. Our oldest, Jazmyn, was the same way. She's now 8, and although we still have issues, it is not nearly as stressful as it once was. So first off, it does get better.

The girls came to live with us full time when their mother took off and moved out of state with out warning. This was in the summer before Jaz started 1st grade. We always knew she was a harder child to deal with, as she displayed a lot of the same behaviors that your step daughter does. No matter what we tried, she wouldn't listen, she wouldn't follow directions, she threw temper tantrums, and she only wanted to watch T.V. We tried positive reinforcement; we tried punishments (time out, taking toys away, spankings etc...)

We didn't realize how it transferred into school until that year, as we had not had her full time for kindergarten. What we found out was shocking to us, she was not liked by the other kids, she was so far behind in her learning that she couldn't even ID her ABC's. We would spend hours (and I mean HOURS) every night trying to get her to do her homework. Even then we still didn't realize the extent of what was going on. At Christmas time we got her report card and it was one of the saddest things I'd ever seen. It was also my wake up call.

People had always told me that they thought she had ADHD, I said, no she's just a kid who's been traumatized by her mother too many times in her life. We said she doesn't need to be medicated. She'll out grow it. She'll adjust.

I saw that report card and cried. She was so far behind in school and not able to learn. I broke down and took her in to get tested for ADHD. I did my research. Her doctor and I chose a VERY low dose of medication for her. My husband and I, who were so very very opposed to medicating her, caved and said I'll give it a chance, if it helps her focus long enough to learn in school. We also started taking her to see a councilor once a week; she calls him her "talking doctor".

She started to thrive. She could not only focus in school, but she could focus at home. Homework now took 20 minutes and we didn't need to tag team each other to get through it. What I took for granted as just being stubborn and ignoring me when I asked her to do something, became an easy thing for her. It eased a lot of tension in the house. I didn't feel like I was getting mad at her all the time, getting frustrated because I didn't know why she couldn't follow the simplest directions that even her 3 year old (at the time) sister could follow.

I'm not saying that your child needs to be medicated. I also don't know what her life has been like. I know what happened in our house. I know what happened when we caved and got her tested. I finally had to tell myself, if she was diabetic I wouldn't deny her medications, if she had asthma I wouldn't deny it to her. Why should I deny it now? I don't want a perfect child, I wanted one that would have a fair shot in life, and it wasn't fair for us to deny her that because we felt that the medication would prove that we weren't good parents. And that we needed to medicate her to behave. That's really not what it is at all. And seeing that report card proved that to us.

As she's gotten older, it has been easier to teach her things. She's learning that even though she takes meds to help slow her racing mind down, that it's not an excuse not to follow the rules or for choices she makes. She is still responsible for her choices, good and not so good. She's your typical 8 year old now and she has her good days and her off days. But now she has friends, she's still behind in school a little bit, but catching up. She knows that she takes the meds but we don't talk too much about why to her yet. She's grown up and matured a lot in the last 3 years. It's not an over night process. It took a lot of time and attention and patients. I wish we'd had it looked at sooner.

As I said I don't know your daughter's history. I know mine have gone through a lot of hard things in their short lives, all beyond their control. But it's something to consider, and maybe that's not the right answer or option for you as it was for us. Maybe just having her see a child physiologist would work. I know that the kids had a big adjustment when they came to live full time with us. I don't believe in much TV, that's all their mom let them do. I do activities with them, she didn't. I have chosen to show them that while I'm their friend, I'm the parent first. I have shown them consistency like they've never known. I have friends that think I've been too strict with them; I say I've had to be in order to curb the out of control behavior that they came to me with, not because I enjoyed it.

I know I've rambled on here, but I would like to offer any support I can to you, even if it's just someone to vent to. I've been there. I know that our situations are different and our solution may not be what you need, but if you need a non judgmental ear before you pull your hair out, I'm more than happy to be that for you.

Steph

hello J. if your in the albany, or area send me a message as i see u need childcare. As far as advice goes id say just be patient. I know its hard i have a step daughter as well. Does her dad intervine as well or is it only you discipling her? It sounds like you doing everything right just keep your head up

Hi Jackie,

Boy, do I feel for you! I wish I could say its probably your parenting skills, but I suspect a behavior problem. My first child was an extremely difficult child. I was not surprised when she was diagnosed with ADHD (ATTENTION, DEFISIT, HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER). I think most of us know about adhd but I was surprised when she was diagnosed w/ ODD (OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANCE DISORDER). wHAT DOES THAT MEAN....JUST WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE. SHE DEFIED ME NO MATTER WHAT I REQUESTED.
The request could have been like, ok you can have icescream for dinner, she would blow a fit, if I asked her about homework, she would blow fit, if I tryed to dicipline, she would blow a fit.

Now comes some of the hard part. How much support(emotionally) does dad give you. Does he support your decision to punish or does he use quilt as a reason not to punish. If you do not have the support of her Father than you may not be going anywhere fast.

When my child entered Kindergarden, I met with her teacher and said, "where can I get help?" She responded w/ who do you need help with? I was floored, she never was considered a problem child in school in kindergarden. I found out later that this was her first year teaching.

Now as she is entering 1st grade. Her 1st grade teacher was a 15 year veteran in teaching, she called me w/in the first month of school and wanted to talk to me regarding some concerns about my first born. We both discussed our concerns and decided to have her behavior issues examined by a professional. I got really lucky about my second year of this challenge. I guess anybody can diagnose ADHD but nobody is comfortable about prescribing medicine for it. And , actually, when I started the treatment, I wanted nothing to do with medicating her. I met the most wonderful doctor in the world. He took time too evaulate my daughter for 1 1/2 hours. He said the purpose was to visualize the child. He purposely did this to see how she would behave. Well, by the time that appointment was done, she couldn't have sat still if her life depended on it (except infront of the television or play station.) The second appointment, also took 1 1/2 hours, but the interview was with me only. I did not want to medicate but it was one of the options that was suggested. I told him I would try to medicate during the school year and not on weekends and not during the summer. He said, ok, your the mom. You call the punches. Needless to say within 3 months I was back in the office crying because she needed an increased dose. He questioned me about medicating, my answer was , not one day goes by when I don't make sure she has taken the meds.

I don't want to scare you. I am no way making a diagnosis, just a recommendation. This is about the age, most children get diagnosed. It does not come into play before now. This is because its often hard to diagnose a disorder or chalk it up to immaturity.

I wish you the best. I really would consider having an evaluation or even counseling. Its never to early to get them on the right track.

Also stop fighting her about eating. It is a control issue and just one more thing that she knows pushes your buttons. Place the food infront of her, give her the choice of taking the things that she doesn't like to eat off of her plate and place it neatly on a napkin. Do not even try to convince her to take just one bite. By allowing her the choice to eat or not eat. She will eventually get hungry. I would not allow anything to eat or drink 1 hour before mealtime, except water. I also would not allow her to eat anything else for atleast 2 hours after meal time, unless she would like to eat more dinner. I would offer her 3 meals and 2-3 healthy snacks daily. I would limit her 100% juice to no more than 12 oz. a day
and no more than 20oz. of milk a day. I would also offer the milk/water after mealtime. This way she doesn't fill up on calories that don't provide alot of nutrition. Yes, your right! Milk and 100% juice is healthy but after a certain amount, it becomes unhealth. I would only allow koolaide, gateraide or soda as a treat. Once or twice a week. This is considered moderation. Nothing ever should be considered a forbidden food. If a food is forbidden and we eat it, that developes guilt and more eating. So anything is exceptable (within legal limits) in moderation.

I know some of the advise may not be what you requested. But I thought it might help. Feel free to write me a personal note if you have additional questions.

H. B.

Have you or the school thought to have her checked for ADHD? I know it's so over commonly diagnosed that no one wants to even think about it anymore, but a lot of what you are describing... especially the tv thing... sounds so much like it. My son is not adHd, but ADD. He can't focus on anything to save his life, but put him in front of a tv and you can talk for days to him and he won't hear you... the tv is the only thing tha moves/changes scenes as fast as his brain does. I didn't have my son fully diagnosed as in the full fledge testing, but I had him observed at school by the district psychologist on three seperate occassions and she wrote a report that about ripped my heart out... he sounded like the next school shooter. He didn't play with any kids, didn't play at recess, hardly went to recess because he had to sit inside and get things done that he didn't do in class. I cried for an hour when I read it. However... since I have taken him to the doctor and gotten him some help medication wise, he is a totally different child.

You might want to request that she be tested at school for any behavioral or learning disorders. You as a parent have the right. What you do is put in writing your concerns and that you would like her tested. The school has to respond within 30 days to your request within 30 days. If she truly has any behavioral or learning disorders, the school must provide accomodations for her in class as well as any type of help that she would need. My son had similar problems at the age of 2. We found out that he was ADHD, had some social behavioral skills. He is about a year or two socially behind his classmates. He also has problems with his fine motor skills so he gets occupational therapy provided by the school. We also had behavioral problems at home. I would certainly try and have the school test her. It might be something very simple and she just may not know how to let you know there is a problem and her way of dealing with it is having behavior issues. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. My son is 10 now. And through therapy we have seen him come a long, long way. He also has Asperger's Syndrome which is a high functioning form of Autism. He is extremely bright too which is part of the Asperger's. But if you saw him and didn't know, you would think he was a normal kid. I hope I was of some help.

Hi J.,
It sounds to me like she is testing you...it's all an issue of control. You, being a parent, feel as though you MUST enforce your rules on her and she is fighting you at every turn. My advice: don't fight her! If she doesn't want to eat what you serve...she doesn't eat. If she won't stay by your side at the store...pretend to walk away. You may want to try what I've done with my willful three year old daughter: redirection. Instead of fighting to control her, have her help you with the shopping, making dinner, etc. Include her...I even make it a game with my daughter, letting her come up with the ideas on how to help me. It doesn't work every time and it may not work the first time but it couldn't hurt to try. And don't worry, she'll eat when she is hungry!
About the babysitting...I run a daycare in my home, if you're interested in some time off. Keep in touch and good luck.
L.

Sounds like she is in your home most of the time? Sometimes these behavior issues are linked to a separation anxiety and basic feelings of lack of trust. Children's coping skills are not the same as adults and they process everything as how it effects them. They see things as if they are the cause or the victim of it.
As one of the main care givers of children with difficult behavior, it can become overwhelming and vicious cylces can develop that prepetuate the behaviors.
My advice is to make sure you are taking care of yourself and not getting stuck in the overwhelming neediness of the situation. All parents involved need to be on the same page with rules, exceptable behaviors and consequences.
There are no easy answers and it takes patience and hard work to raise a strong willed child.
Good Luck,
D. Saner

Dear J.,

Your daughter may have a disorder called Autism. That disorder has been growing in the past years - maybe there always were a certain amount of autistic children all along, but we did not recognize it. Just like any disorder, it can be anywhere along the spectrum of hardly detectable to very serious behavior.

You need to go to your doctor right away with this question. If he or she does not cooperate, then get online and find more advice from parents of children that have been diagnosed as autistic. Please do not let this go on any longer. Keep going to doctors and asking questions until you feel comfortable with the answers and are able to find ways to socialize your darling daughter so that she can have a good quality life as an adult.

Sincerely, C. N.

Fisrt thing I would look into his having her hearing checked. My sister had this issue with her daughter and we found out that she is almost deaf in one ear and just went through surgery for tubes. it hasn't affected her speach, but her bahavior, attitude and school have been greatly affected. The behavior could be a result of not understanding or a reaction toher own confusion or how not to be able to tell you there is a problem. Since she was so little when it started, she's adapted to the problem and it's simply grown into something beyond the control of both of you. An ear, nose and throut specialist is my recommendation.
Step 2 - some kind of one on one therapy. Because this has been going on for some time, she may be needing a little extra time for just her or to find a good solution.
I do not know when her birthday is, but I discovered with my son, that an extra year of kindergarted gave him the confidence he needed to succeed later on. He turned 5 2 weeks before school started, so he was the youngest in his class and didn't do well. Now, he's close to the oldest, but at the top of his class and confident with himself. he loves school and I have no more issues.
PS if it is something that is medical, don't feel guilty that you didn't know - we do not have x-ray vision and we learn as we go. Every child is dirrerent.

From: V. S.
I have a 7 year old grand daughter that has been in my custody since she was 3. She acted the same way so I took her to the doctor to see what was wrong. She has Reactive Attachment Disorder, it is from not bonding with her mother before the age of 3.
She is in therapy for it and it is helping a little. She may never recover from it.
Maybe it would help for you to take your little one in and talk to someone. It will be a lot easier on you once she is diagnosed and you realize that she isn't doing things out spite. She actually can't help herself. A book that I have about RAD is really good to have, it is called, "When Love is Not Enough". It helped me to understand what was going on in my little ones mind.
Hope this helps you a little.

Try doing things reversed. She is crying out for a reason that you may not understand. At that age children are learning what they can and cant get away with. She doesnt need so much disapline she needs love. I am not saying you do not love her, im saying she is crying out and acting out for that reason. All you are doing is punishing her for doing the only thing she knows to to get the attention she craves. She doesnt know the difference between positive or negative attention. Start making htings fun for her. Try to reward her each day for the good things she does and offer a reward for eatting or being good. At the store let her hold the list and show her where to get things off the shelf. I hope you understand what i am saying in a sence, and thaT I dont sound like a lecturing mother. These are only my opinions. L.

Few tips that may help. 1st Give up the TV all together...literally, get rid of it. you can always try bringing it back later. 2nd at the store, try giving her a list of items to find, let her help. I know it's tempting to want to "control" but in the end it's always easier, and healthier, to work together (you're still "the boss", but she can be your "helper")
3rd as far as "pleading", whether at meal time or otherwise, never negotiate or plead with kids. She'll either eat or she wont. If she doesn't eat, don't force her. later, when she's hungry, let her have a snack, but let her know that the next meal will come at ?:?? and that's that. She'll figure it out on her own from there. Have patience, and don't let her know that she's pushing your buttons.
I know it feels hard, but showing your frustration/anger/resentment will make kids feel unsure and insecure...they need to know that you are in control.
One of the best things I ever learned was that kids do great when they know whats expected of them, what the limits/boundries are, and what the consequences are for misbehaving. Routine and order are not in my nature, but learning how to use it has been a miracle.
Good luck :)
PS as for childcare, where do you live? I'm a SAHM w/ 10 mo son looking for supplemental income. I watch my friends 3 yr old boy few times/wk, but could stand a few more hrs.

Hi J.! Well, I'm not an expert, but I was a teacher for four years before I decided to stay home with my little one. Has your child ever been evaluated? I don't mean this in a bad way, I'm just thinking that if you've exhausted all means of behavior modification, it could be possible that she may have ADD/ADHD. Again, I don't know the whole story, and I'm not expert, but from past experiences with children with those things in the classroom, once they were on medication, they were a lot more calm, and easy going and were back on track in terms of following directions because they were able to concentrate. There are a lot of resources out there for you on the internet. I would like to suggest perhaps going to webmd, and doing one of there surveys. But again, I'm not an expert. But if you feel like you've done everything, and your just fresh out of ideas, I would recommend talking to your pediatrician. Maybe he/she could point you in the right direction. Or, if your child is a step-child, it could be other issues as well. Maybe adjustment, etc.... I hope this helps! Good luck and God Bless!

Wow! I have one of these at home too! My step son is in Kindergarten and we got a call yesterday that he'd told an adult twice to shut up & then spit in the lady's face!!!! This was on the bus from the Boys & Girls club to school, and now he is kicked out of the club for a week! I was in SHOCK!

I have 4 children of my own, and I feel like he is soooo disruptive & brings a lot of hostility into our house. He is BAD at our house, but even WORSE at his Mom's...he yells at her, hits her, does whatever if he doesn't get his way so it is sooooo hard to teach him right from wrong over here.

My husband, his dad, sees the best in him, but sometimes I think he lets him get away with too much because he is just so frusterated & tired.

I ALSO need help on how to deal with MY stepson.
This time we've tried grounding him from the T.V., gameboy, movies, and cartoons...but he doesn't seem to really care or be affected!

I don't know you so I would judge you but maybe she resents you being in her life. Kids act out when they think someone is trying to replace their natural parent. Has her dad tried to talk to her one on one? Is their relationship tight? They say a child's number one influence is the parent of the same sex. Not having her biological mom around her daily is most definitely having an impact on her. You could be the greatest mom to her and it would not matter.

As far as the TV goes, I would take it out now! Kids have forgotten how to use their imagination because there is so much media in their faces. Between TV and computer and phones, etc there is no more playing outside like there used to be. If you don't want to take it away completely, limit her time. Use the kitchen timer, when it goes of that is it.

As far as the food. I cook one meal for everyone. Take it or leave it, it's up to them. Kids will eat when they get hungry, espesically at that age. She won't starve to death.

Crying is just a form of attention for her. Negative or positive...attention is attention. If she has figured out that this gets it for her then she will continue to do it. Try acting as if you don't even notice she is crying, see what happens after a few minutes.Then try to find someone good she is doing even if it is really small and reward her for it.

Of course these are just suggestions, every child is different but it may be worth a try. Let me know how it goes

S.

Hello..

I know the feeling you are going thru. expect my child isnt my step child. And he rarely does the behavior at home or anywhere else but school.
Have you thought about getting her tested for any disorders? My son was diagnosed with ADHD/ODD, but the medication isnt helping him anymore. I have been doing a lot of research and have a feeling my son has Sensory Processing Disorder. We are getting him into the BEST program here in Spokane.
If you have a chance go to google.com and type in Sensory Processing Disorders.
There a few different types of them and you may want to look into getting your step daughter evaluated. My son does almost all the same stuff at school that she does, and he also gets aggressive.
Let me know if this helps.
You can email me at ____@____.com
M.

It looks like you have received some awesome responses to your requests. My only suggestion is that perhaps as far as getting her to eat, you involve her in making the dinner. This way she can feel important and get excited about eating also she won't view eating as a punishment.
I would also get rid of the tv. Does she get enough attention from her father? Were there problems with her mother? Perhaps councling is needed. If you have exhausted all means of getting her to behave then perhaps as the others suggested see if there is a medical reason behind her behavior.
Good luck.

Not to say that ADD/ADHD isn't a problem for some kids; and it could be the case here...but I do believe that in this day and age, kids are diagnosed with it waaaay more often than necessary and without the "proper testing".

That said, might I suggest that you look into a parenting style that I have found has helped a number of my friends and their "problem" kids (and I intend to implement with my own)?

It's called "Love and Logic". It's a parenting style that basically places the consequences of their actions on the child...making their decisions the "bad guy", not you. There are books (written by Foster Cline), a website you can visit (www.loveandlogic.com) and in my city, the community college offers FREE seminars on the subject.

Please check into something like this before going the ADD/ADHD route.

I wish you all the strength you need to come through this.

This sounds like more of an issue than just bad behaviour. I would take her to her pediatrician and ask for advice and maybe have her see a counselor. You weren't specific on how long she ahs been with you or is she sees her bio mother, but perhaps she is having trouble adjusting or has some attention issues or something else. If she is having trouble in kindergarten then it is prossibly not something she can control. So my advice would be to get her into someting like counseling for her and as a family to help you guys find a better way to do things.

My almost 7 year ld boy is the same way and it has gone from getting better to getting worse.. Basically we ended up getting him into the school counseler and she is helping alot my son sees her twice a week... also he is taken out of the class room for 45 min to "learning center" where they give him one on one help with his speech, behavior etc. We have recently taken him to the ENT and found out that he needs tubes in his ears alng with his adnoids taken out that he can only hear 1/2 of what we say and its like a whisper to him... im not saying this is the problem but maybe its something for you to look into ..

also does the child know her real mother.... maybe that is affecting her some how..

I honestly belive that you need to seeking a child psych on this issue there is more going on than what you can control. The school she goes to should have one that you can speak with....

where do you live my sister is home during the day as she watches my children after school depending on where you live maybe we can work something out ....

A.
Torrance, CA

I'd suggest reading How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. It's a wonderful book. But just from reading your comment, I have a few suggestions that might help...

I wouldn't stress too much about "controlling" her. She is at the age where she is learning her boundaries and she will try to test authority. This is normal for children at all stages. Consistency is key. If you aren't consistent you are sending mixed messages to the child. Also...VERY IMPORTANT...giving the child CHOICES...that way they feel like they have a say in things as well. It can be limited to two or three things, but it helps them feel like they aren't being overpowered.

1) If your daughter isn't hungry, don't force her to eat. Her body will tell her when she can't hold out any longer. Wait for her to come and tell you she's hungry or make a snack available on the table for her when she's ready. Also, perhaps she doesn't like what your offering. Give her choices..."Today you're choices are pancakes or scrambled eggs and fruit. What would you like to have?" Also, get her involved in the process, "Jane, I could really use an extra hand stirring this batter. Would you like to help me?"

Be sure to give praise ALWAYS!!! It is amazing how well this works. Kids want to please. If you give praise on a daily basis and throughout the day, you will be amazed at how well things can work. "Jane, I think pancakes are a wonderful choice. It sounds delicious."

2) ALL kids (and some adults) tune out when watching tv. I'd set some limits to tv watching (certain times of the day and how long). Let t.v. time be t.v. time.

3) No 2-5 year old can sit still for long periods of time. It's a battle you won't win, so don't try. Try redirecting attention, but don't get frustrated. You need to remember...she's only 5.

4) As far as wandering off in public...this too is normal. Explain to her how dangerous it can be and that you love her and would feel very badly if you couldn't find her. But also...remember she is 5. You are the adult and it's your job to keep track of her...not the other way around. Also, ask yourself why she wandered off. Did something catch her eye? Explain to her that if she wants to look at something, she needs to ask you to come along. And remember to praise when she doesn't wander off..."Jane, I am so proud of your choice to stay by my side in the store. Thank you for remembering how important that is." "Jane, thank you for asking me to come take a look at this with you. I can see why you like it. It's shiny and pink."

Remember to put yourself in her position and see how you (the mom) is being perceived by her. Do you sound scary or mean? Are you making her feel like she doesn't have choices? Are you not listening to her? Are you deemphasizing her feelings? Does she miss her biological mom? Be sure that you are sensitive to this matter.

If you read this book, it will change your parenting style for life!!! It is such a great book and you will learn a lot from it.

If things change at home, school will follow.

GOOD LUCK!