How to Help Little Ones Cope with Loss

C. I am so sorry for your loss. I am the grandmother of 2 boys, 7 & 3. They also lost their mom suddenly 2 years ago from a tragic hiking accident. It is such a difficult decision to know if you should have the children view their father. At first my son wanted the boys to see their mom but in the end he decided it was best not to have them at the services. I would think that if you wanted them to have an opportunity to see their dad for one last time that you would want to talk to them openly about how it would happen. Children (as adults do) sometimes fear the most what they see in their minds and when they face the reality of a situation deal with it much better than replaying those pictures in their head. Hopefully you have family and friends around you who will support you in whatever decision you make. And to you remember to take time to grieve and be kind to yourself. I will be praying for you.
Grandma J.

I am so sad to hear of your loss. I will pray for you and your family. You've received a lot of opinions and I don't necessarily have one. I think each child is different and your beliefs play a part as well. However, I do have one thing to share regardless of what you choose to do. It has helped me with my own children (at the time ages 6 & 3) cope with the loss of many grandparents inside of a year.

I used a glove to show how it moves and is "alive" while my hand is in it. I explained that this is like the spirit in the body. I then took my hand out of the glove. I explained that when the "spirit" leaves the body just like my hand leaves the glove, then there is no life in the body anymore. I explained that the spirit is still alive and is now in heaven and in our hearts, but the body no longer moves and is not important because the spirit is still within us and with God.

It was a demonstration my children could understand and grasp. They still talk about their relatives being in their heart and close to them.

FYI - One side of our family does not believe in viewings and so the option wasn't even there. The other side of the family had viewings and we chose to allow my children to see the body. It was uneventful. However, I'm aware of the fact that they were grandparents and not their father. If it were their father, it may have triggered different emotions.

C.,

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through, but will keep you and your family in my thoughts. I don't know if I have any good advice about your twins being at the service. The closest thing I can relate it to is attending my grandmother's funeral (whom by the way I was VERY close with as she cared for me daily while my mom was at work) at the age of 7. I remember wanting to go and that initially my mom was not going to let me, but she did. It was good for me to go. I had also wanted to see her when she was in the hospital, but I wasn't allowed because of all the tubes and such. For me it was a good thing to be there, especially looking back now as an adult. However, there are a lot of developmental differences between 5 year olds and 7 year olds. I would say use your judgment as their mom. If you feel they are old enough and mature enough to handle it. Also, consider how it will make you feel both having them there and not. How emotional will you be and is that okay for them to witness. Do you have support there who can take them out if they are too upset, or too playful, etc. Just do what you know is right for your kids and you'll do the right thing. I think it also matters how your family deals with death and how you can frame that for two little ones who don't understand the finality of the concept of death. Most of all keep his memory alive for your kids who will want to know as much about their dad as they can. I wish you strength and peace through what I can only imagine is a scary and painful journey. You will get through it and you'll be the best mom you can be as you do.

C.,

I am so sorry for your loss...that is a very tough situation to deal with yourself, let alone with kids.

From my own experience, seeing my Grandpa's body at the viewing was harder to shake than the thought of him actually dying. I didn't want that to be my last memory of him, and unfortunately until I was older it was the one thing that came to mind.

Your girls are younger than I was, but I think this may something you have to follow your heart on. Seeing a dead body can be traumatic no matter who it is or how it is explained, it just depends on the person. You may want to discuss the process of death and how burial works with them, and then gauge their responses (really basic stuff they can understand). Talk to them about saying goodbye and that it's okay to cry, be sad and miss Daddy. I think maybe it might be better to focus on the grief, rather than the actual physical saying goodbye. You could have them write letters to him to say goodbye, and pick out pictures and maybe draw stuff that he can 'take with him' to Heaven (if that's what you believe).

And, just as important make sure you take time to grieve too! Don't forget your needs and have someone to be your outlet for talking and crying if you need it.

I wish you the best during this time, and will add you to my prayers.

My daughter died when one grandson was five and the other two. As she lay in a coma, I decided to take them in to say good-bye. I realize she was still alive, but of course she could not respond in any way. I felt strongly about it, because I had not had a chance to say "good-bye" to my first daughter when she died at age 2 1/2 and was whisked away. I never saw her again, and it has always haunted me that I did not formally get to have that closure. I thought that much later, as adults, my grandsons might want to know that they had said "good-bye" and "I love you Mommy."

I wonder if you would explain to your girls that Dad is not sleeping but he will look like he's sleeping, and that they can say "good-bye" and even kiss him or touch him if they'd like before his body goes away forever, they would want that choice. (It was very important to me that I was able to view my daughter and comb her hair and touch her after death. I did not find it at all off-putting, but you should let your children decide themselves if they want to touch their dad. If they want to, I think it's a positive for them later.) You can also explain that if they don't want to, it's OK, because he will hear their good-bye just as well even if they are not looking at his body. They can even look at his picture and say "good-bye" to him if they'd rather. (Frankly, I don't think it matters much what your religious beliefs are as to whet you say about that. I find that it's comforting to all of us to think of our loved ones observing us or hearing our thoughts after death).

I don't think my grandsons really think about that good-bye now, 15 years later, but as adults, I think that someday they will appreciate knowing they had that moment. The oldest does remember his mom, and has begun to speak more of her after some years of repression by his father, who was too pained to allow her picture around the house. My grandchildren should have had play therapy, but unfortunately he denied it due to his own issues. Probably more important than viewing now, if they don't want to, or if you decide against it, is speaking freely of their dad, having pictures of him, and remembering good times together.
Tell them how proud he would have been when they achieve certain things. It's hard when you, as an adult, may find you may want to move on, perhaps remarry some day, but your children do need to have something to hold on to.

I can't emphasize the need for some professional help for your children enough. It's easy, I think, to attribute actions of your children to other childhood issues, but the children will grieve, and I think that help outside the immediate family is vital. The rest of us are always too close to it and have too many of our own issues to help our children with loss as much as they need it.

S. Toji

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. My mother died when I was very young and I never got to say goodbye, but I did get to see her privately in the funeral home and that was my goodbye. So I think it's important to have that closure - even at such a young age. Take care.
A.

Sorry for your loss. My mom lost her 5yr battle with lung cancer this past November. Yesterday would have been her 55th birthday. My 4 and 2yr old has never known her grandmother in good health. When my mom took a turn for the worst I had to make a quick decision on how to handle the situation. I decided to let my kids decide how they wanted to handle the situation. My oldest was very upset when I told her grandma was going away. The kids would sit next to her bed and hold her hand. They made sure she wasn't too cold/warm, told her stories.

For the viewing both kids decided not to see her. At the end my oldest decided she wanted to see her. She asked many questions and I answered them as honestly as I could. Just before we left my youngest said he wanted to kiss her goodbye. I picked him up and he kissed her goodbye and said he loved her.

At the funeral my husband was a pall bearer and my son would not leave his side. When it was time to walk into the church my son held on to the casket and walked down the aisle with his head held high. I was surprised how mature this 2yr was during such a serious and sad time.

I bought the kids several books on grief from Borders and Amazon. One was A Place in My Heart and the other Where Do People Go When They Die. The books help the kids understand death, saying goodbye and most importantly that what happened was not their fault.

You might think the kids are too young to make such an important decision as this. Trust their instincts and follow their lead. They know what is best for them.

C.,
First I wanted to say that I am so sorry to hear that your husband died. I hope that you have a lot of support in your life to help you get through such a painful loss. As always, words do no justice to expressing my sympathy for you and your family.

My mother is a hospice counselor and I in addition to being a mother of two young children, I am a psychological assistant. I am writing my doctoral thesis partially about grief and I also work as a crisis responder coming to homes, like yours on Friday morning, helping people in their times of immediate distress after the death of a loved one. I work on helping them talk to their children about the death and getting them the support they need in the immediate aftermath. My advice, if it is not too late already, let your children see their father's body and be a part of the funeral services. They know that he is gone and that all of the adults are grieving and it is important for them to say goodbye too and to not be alienated from the process. They may not seem like they understand and children grieve very differently from adults, but they know that something is wrong and that their dad is gone. So talking to them and including them is very important.

If you want more advice on how to talk to them about the death, I would be glad to help, you can contact me directly.

I wish you and your family the best. My thoughts are with you as you navigate through such a terrible loss.

B.

Dear C.-
I am so sorry for your loss and I am sure it is a very overwhelming time for you. Please take care of yourself at this time too, since it must be such a shock to your whole system.

I lost my mom to cancer when I was nine. I saw her in the hospital after she died. My father had talked to a child therapist and she said it was a good idea since that way I will have closure. I do recall it very well, and I am now in my late thirties. Ithink it was a good idea, cause I could not understand why God took her. I really got a final good bye in my mind. I already had ideas that they mistook some one else's mom for mine, and she was really alive. Perhaps this is why my dad took me to see her deceased in the hospital. My mother was cremated and Isaw the ashes afterwards. This kept me knowing, this was final, she was not coming back, even though I had dreams that she was.

Please keep in mind, your kids aren't going to only be affected right now, but in years to come, at graduations, weddings of their own, daddy-daughter dances at school, it will come up again and again. they might get angry at times for such a huge loss, just in general. They may feel jealous of their friends that have daddies, it is something I felt at a young age. I recall getting up (at 10 yrs) and leaving a friend's house (neighbor) during dinner cause I watched her mom serve everyone and be so nice, and it made me miss my mother. I was very embarrassed to get up and leave, but the emotions were overwhelming. ...it is a long greiving process. Lots of luck to you, and big hug.

Find a "grief support group" in your area. I REALLY advise this. For you and your children.
It helps immensely.

Even adults have a hard time with this... when my Dad died, my Mom, me and my sister each had our own difficulties/issues with it. My Mom even felt some resentment, being left all alone.. but this is normal.

Thus, ask your Doctor, or hospital or do a google search on grief support groups in your area. REALLY.

And most of all, let your children express themselves fully about it and talk to you about it. Do NOT create an atmosphere of "silence" about it, or of shushing the subject. This will only prevent them from healing. And you too. You must all allow feelings to happen... from grief/mourning, to anger, to sadness to depression. And really monitor your children's emotional health... get them help as soon as they show signs of difficulty and trauma over it. TELL your daughter's Teachers about it too... they must know and be sensitive to it. Do not pressure the children about it in any way, to 'behave' or 'act grown up' about it... they need time to heal.

Let your children keep memories of their Dad... his belongings/souvenirs etc. Let them create a 'journal' of their Dad... writing about him, drawing pictures etc. Art is VERY "therapeutic" for children. Do not just get rid of things of his, unless it is just too painful to see around the house. But you must talk about it with your children...and get them a Children's Counselor to help... since a Mom cannot possibly cope with everything all at the same time, since you are mourning too.

Get a sound financial advisor as well, if you need to.

All the best, and I"m so sorry for your loss... please take care,
Susan

Please accept my condolences for your husband's passing. Although, I am not a widow, I can empathize with your loss. I have 6 kids and in 2001, I lost my 14-months old son to a terminal illness. Going through the motions of planning his funeral - it was the toughest thing I had to endure. But I made up my mind that whatever decisions were to be made, I wanted my entire family to be there with me and their dad. Although, it may be painful, it is important to stress family solidarity during a time of crisis. You have to approach these issues with sincerity and candidness. They are only 5 years old - have no REAL concept of death - but they do have SOME kind of idea what that is. If they think its a long vacation, that they move away permanently -they do understand that their dad is no longer physically around. You just have to remind them of their memories of their father and reassure them daily that he's still their father. But don't deny them the opportunity to be present at the funeral. I allowed my children to see their brother in the casket. But at the same time, their dad and I were with them through the whole time and mentioned that he is now peacefully resting and his new life is with God. That he no longer is suffering and the sacrifice we made so he can find peace is to accept that he will no longer live with us and will live with God for ever. . .I feel that this experience allowed my children to be more thoughtful about life and as the years passed, we all sit around the table and remember my little boy as just that - the little boy that brought such sunshine and laughs in our lives.

C., What a tough thing to be dealing with. My husband died unexpectedly while on vacation with friends in Mexico. My kids were quite a bit older (13, 17, 19). Before this, they had been to the funerals of their grandparents. For my husband we choose an open casket at the viewing, but no casket at the funeral service (he was cremated). The viewing was more private and I had us go before the time for anyone else to come. It allowed us time to say goodbye privately. I would talk to them about what they will be seeing and make sure to have other adults with you if it is going to be a private viewing. One may react differently from the other and you want to have extra hands in case one doesn't want to view and one does. There are no easy answers and the road ahead will be challenging for you. My daughter took her cues from me on how to respond by how I was handling it. I can't convey to you how sorry I am that you are going through this. It sucks, plain and simple. Faith is what got me through the first month and continues to get me through it less than 3 years later. My prayers are with you.

Hi C.,

I am so, so sorry for your monumental loss. My prayers are with you.

In my opinion, I think you should let your children see your husband's body. My son is almost five and my grandfather passed away last year. We took him to everything. He still talks about seeing "grampie sleeping in church" (that was how he viewed what was happening--we talked to him a lot about our Catholic views and still do--he talks about it at least once a week). It was not traumatic for him--he kissed Grampie goodbye willingly--it was healthy for him to see our family grieving and to see the love that everyone had for my grandfather. My son also talked to the priest a lot too. He was curious about what was going on and accepted several concepts much more readily than we thought he would.

However, you may not have curious kids. In that case, if your children attend the wake, you might tell them that they don't have to get close to the coffin if they don't want to. Some adults don't want to; some do. You could tell them that daddy may look a little different and will feel different if they want to see him.

You have five year-olds--why don't you ask them what they want to do? Do they want to see their dad "sleeping in church"? Or not? They are old enough to understand some of what's going on. They will definitely have memories of the day. Why don't you tell them about all of the funeral plans and let them decide what they'd like to do and not do. Perhaps they can help you pick some things out--like flowers, or even the coffin, or the clothes that their dad will be wearing, or a reading, or a song. That way it's not so taboo. Death is a natural part of life--it's just awful that it is happening when they are so young.

It's important for everyone to say goodbye, and to hear the beautiful words that will be said about your husband. It's comforting to see and hear about all of the lives that your husband touched. He was your husband and their dad, but he was also a son, a friend, a colleague, etc.

I would recommend two books: "Lifetimes" by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen--it's a sensitive nonfiction explanation of death for children; and "Always and Forever" by Alan Durant--it's a fictional story about four animals who are a family--one of them dies, and the story tells about how the other family members cope with the death. My son learned a lot from both books.

My sincere condolences to you.

D.
P.S. I love the ideas about having your kids make pictures collages for display at the services. Also--I put pictures of my son in my grandfather's casket. Your daughters could do the same thing for their dad. Such a sweet idea.

I would let them see it, so they will know for sure that he is really gone, and isn't just hiding out somewhere. Prepare them for the fact that he may not "look like himself", because as they do things to prepare the body for burial, it may change the way his face looks a little bit. And he will have no expression, no smile, frown, or any of the looks they remember him having. I was 12 when my father died and understood it as an adult would, but I still had a recurring dream that he was really still alive, but just hiding out somewhere, and I would travel there and find him and bring him home, after scolding his and telling him how sad it made mom feel. He said (in the dream) that he left because he didn't want us to see him suffer and die. Once I even dreamed that I crossed over hell to get him back. When I would wake up I would have a powerful feeling of longing for him, but then I would say to myself, no, I was with him in his final illness, I saw him buried, I know he is gone. I used the dreams as an impulse to pray for him, and to be thankful for the good father that he was. Since your kids are little, this type of reality might be even more important for them. Be calm about it, don't make it traumatic. Don't be concerned if they do or don't cry, it takes each person time to deal with the loss, and it may not be real to them yet. Don't be afraid to cry in front of them (even the baby) sometimes too, and talk about why you are sad. Not all the time, but don't make it never. They need to learn how grown ups deal with loss. Chances are if you think you are hiding it from them, you aren't and since you are keeping it a secret, they will be afraid to ask you questions or cry in front of you.Get some support to lift you up. There is a little book called Lifetimes that explains the facts about death very simply. It is a good place to start in talking to kids. You have my prayers. B.

I'm so sorry!! That is soooo sad!! You are in my prayers!!

My daughter was 6 when my Father died and we let her go to the viewing. It really helped her deal with it-they were very close.

Again...I am praying for you and your family!

I don't know what is best, but I want you to know that there are people out here praying for you and your little ones. Perhaps because the girls didn't get to say "Good-bye," letting them view your husband in private so they can see him to say goodbye would be a good idea. I don't think it will be too traumatic, but rather help them truly understand what has happened. Again, I am so sorry.

i agree with maria, your girls are old enough to decide for themselves. just ask them.
and as long as you keep showing them pictures and videos of their dad, those happy memories will become even greater and stay fresh in their minds and never be lost.

in my faith, we do not despair in a time of death but rejoice for the everlasting life that is granted us in physical death. even though it is always sad to see some leave us, whether its just moving away or passing on to the next life, we must keep in our hearts that its not the last time we will see their smiling faces!
good luck with your sweet family!

if you would like anymore info on what i was saying about the afterlife feel free to visit www.mormon.org or www.lds.org

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I am not a doctor but I would let them see there father to say goodbye it very important to have closure. Meaning my father did not let me say goodbye to my grandpa and now at 30 I wish I could of seen him .My father wishes he would of let me. I know its a very difficult things to chose but they know and are old enought to understand he is going to a wonderful place. I know it may sound wired they may want to kiss him hug him that is normal for saying goodbye we do it everymorning so if you think of it that way it would be ok. My prayers are with your family

C.,

I am so sorry for your loss. My daughter was five when her grandma died of cancer. Unlike your husband we were expecting her death, and my daughter sobbed and sobbed when I told her Nana had gone to heaven.

In my husband's family the viewing is very important and the funeral had an open casket. I talked with my daughter about how the body looks different dead than when alive. And, when she saw her Nana she did say "Nana looks funny." Luckily no one who could be offended was around.

My daughter was not forced to go to see the body or to go to the funeral. My husband and I agreed our kids should make their own choice. She chose to do both and I think that she benefited from it. It is amazing how children adapt and now that she has experienced death she realizes it is a part of life.

I think that talking openly with your kids will help you see what it is they need to do. It is important for them to know their dad is in their hearts and they can talk to him always - only his body is gone.

My mother died when my son was a newborn. Neither of my kids knew her. I keep her alive by talking about her frequently. She could always find missing things so if someone finds something lost we thank Grandma Julie. She also magically changes red lights to green when we are driving and finds parking spaces for us at crowded malls.
My mother-in-law gets the credit for great hair days or if we find a cute outfit. Silly little things that make us all feel good.

The only other advice I have is to be prepared for your girls to grieve differently. My daughter was very emotional, but my son was quite reserved. He was nine and he actually felt bad about not crying. He had a cousin tell him he did not love his Grandma because he did not cry. I explained to both kids that everyone is different with how they express themselves and their grief. No one way is right or wrong. And, heaps of tears does not mean more than one or two.

I hope my experience helps you a little. My heart goes out to you and yours. Hug your little ones tight and tell them dad can blow kisses from heaven and send shooting stars. God Bless you.

C.

I think that it would be good to explain to the kids the truth that his dad died and dad is going to heaven. (I don't know your beliefs). I don't think that kids have a really understanding of what death is but again you know better how your kids are. When one of my grandparents died, I was 9 and I saw him in is coffin I just couldn't understand what was going on. I did not get traumatized. I hope this input helps you to do what your heart tells you. So sorry for your loss.

I would let them say goodbye and see him. When I was 8 my mothere died and all 6 of us took turns saying goodbye and I think it did bring a sense of closure. My sister and brother were 5 and 6. so they are not too young. If they can I would have them write a letter or card for him. It won't be easy but saying goodbye will bring some closure to them.

C.,
First of all sorry for your loss, my condolences. I went through the same thing with my girls four years ago. At that time my girls were 7 and 4 and I did not take them to the viewing but I did take them to the funeral and burial. I have to admit I was scared to do that at first but it helped them understand that he was gone, of course they cried and they had a lot of questions but you just have to console them and try to explain it to them the best you can. I hope this helped out in some way. Just stay strong for your girls and remember that as they get older there will be some times that the fact that their father is not with them it will get a little tough but with your love and support they will get through it.

Wow...I'm so sorry for your loss. I was a little older when both my parents died from cancer...within a few years of one another....but I absolutely needed to see them gone just for the closure of it...because you can tell your children that daddy is gone, but you really need to let them have closure in their child-like ways.

PS: I also have twins and my mom had TWO sets of twins (my siblings :-)

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My father passed away suddenly overnight when I was seven and my mom let my brother and I view the body at his funeral. I'll never forget it. And am so glad she did. It wasn't scary at all; he looked so peaceful. And it definitely gave me a sense of closure. Didn't stop the hopes that someday he'd come walking back through the door (I remember fantasizing that it was all a hoax and he'd just left for an extended vacation) but I always knew the truth deap down because I'd been able to see him like that. Yours, of course, are a bit younger, but I'd bet they'll get it. Again, I am so, so sorry and can not begin to imagine your grief.

C.-I am so sorry for your loss. My best friend's husband died in his sleep leaving twin 6 year olds and an 8 year old. They went to a grief support group called Our House. It is located in West L.A. and helped them a lot.

Dear C.,
I wish to extend my deep condolences to you. You must be devastated with the three young children and the loss of your husband. It is hard to say if it would help or if it would be very tramatic for them...they are at an age that is between the ages I think it would be helpful and definitely would tell you not to have them view their father. From other responses of people who lost love ones at early ages, it does sound like it would probably not be advisable.
If you are still undecided, I think that I would consult the pastor or another professional...even the pediatrician...and see what their opinion is on this situation.
Again, I am sorry to hear about your loss and will keep you in my prayers as you make this decision and adjust to the great loss. I hope that you have a supported family. I do not know if you are a Christian, but if you are I know that God will give you strength and peace in this most difficult time. Many churches have grief support groups for those who loose dear ones and you probably would benefit from support of others who have gone through similar experiences. Perhaps you can consider this after everything settles a little. I just wish I could give you a big hug and tell you that I wish that it did not have to happen.
May God's grace be with you at this time,
H.

C.,
I admire you respecting your children enough to weigh your decisions about their well being. It speaks volumes about how strong you are, but am sincerely sorry for this sudden loss of your husband. My advice is your children deserve to say good bye in their own way. I have always been a firm believer that adults are role models for life skills, good times and bad. Children learn by obervation, what to do and what not to do, in all personal and social experiences they see. So often, although with the best of intentions, children are sheltered/protected from the experience of closure and saying good bye and are often left with unresolved feelings. Which can affect feelings of trust and bonding, these are feelings they can cope with if given the opportunity to learn how to cope with their feelings. My other suggestion is to be honest about what you can and cannot handle yourself, since you too are grieving. This does not change the fact that they are learning by observing how they should cope with losing their father, but how they will cope with future loss in their lives. In the event that your are not feeling up to this difficult time, ask a trusted family member to be in their charge during the service. Just so someone is watching their reactions, feelings, and answer any questions they may have come up. After the services down the road, counseling should be considered if you are concerned about unresolved feelings. I wish you much strength and peace in your happy memories of the time you had with your husband. All the best to you and your children.

How terribly sad for your family. For me, saying good-bye is important, even though we know he is not really there, and that he has moved on. When my father passed away, we all talked about having the older kids say good-bye. My daughter was only one, so she didn't view his body, however,we let the older ones choose. Most chose to say good-bye to him and give him a good-bye kiss, and tell him that they loved him and would miss him, but knew they would see him again. For them, this was the closure they needed. The kids ranged from 5-15. I think they wanted to look at him and know that his body was okay, so that they didn't have bad dreams about what they imagined him to look like. (He was killed in a car accident, but had no physical damage outside). I know nothing can ease your pain at this time, but my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Dear C.:

I am so very, very sorry about your loss.

I have a few thoughts about your situation with the children. What can be more traumatic than losing your father? Seeing him was always a joy to them when he was alive and being able to "see" him one last time should not be a bad thing. This should be handled as a privilege, which it is, because they were the children of a man who loved them and can no longer be with them. They "can" say goodbye or they may chose to just accept that he is gone. Some children say they won't and then walk up there; some say they will and find they can't. Either way, they'll be looking to you for guidance and I'd lean toward inviting them to say goodbye. (But never push them.)

I was given the opportunity as a child of six (after arguing with the grown ups in my family) and I am so glad I was able to "see" my great-grandfather one last time. It helped me accept that he was really gone and get a good cry out. I remember crying myself to sleep for a few days and finally beginning to lose that painful "edge" in my heart. Eventually, I could think about the good times and smile again. Another benefit? I could understand my great-grandmother's pain and I could cry with her, cuddle her and comfort her.

Because of that experience, I was very respectful of my children when they lost their grandmother and then their uncle in a space of six months. The children were eight and nine (yes, older than yours) and they chose to view their loved ones. Last year, they chose to stay with us in hospice to be with grandfather as he passed. I did not deny them this opportunity to love and support the grandfather they loved. They are not traumatized; they were awed by the opportunity to be "there" for him.

Obviously, the children in your case will take longer to go through those steps but as the mama, you are the one to help them through it. I firmly believe that it is easier to begin the grieving when you've seen what you've lost. Then, you can begin to tenderly let it go.

BTW, just because it's the best thing to do doesn't mean it'll be any easier. It's been a year and we just started going through grandfather's papers and things. It took this long to do it without crying. But, here we are...finally healing. And my children can never say I shut them out of any part of the process. He was THEIR grandfather and it was their relationship to do with as they needed. How much more does this apply to a beloved FATHER?

I will pray for all of you: for peace, comfort and patience.

M.

Dear Cyrstal,

First off, I am so sorry.

My dearest friend lost her husband when he was only 32 years old, at the time they had a two year old son. I flew back home to be with her and her family and help sort things out. During this time, we went to the viewing and funeral. Her little guy, although a lot younger than your girls, did view Daddy and was also a part of the funeral. Everything turned out very well. He is now 10 and does not remember the viewing or funeral, your girls being 5 most likely will remember - geez' I'm so not helping here! I guess I would consult an expert and here is why. I've been to a handful of viewings, starting as early as 7th grade and on one hand, I don't think you could have kept me from going to the viewings - I needed it for closure, on the other hand, it is the only picture I have of them in my head. Whenever I think of the friends I lost or family, I picture them in their casket, now that isn't necessarily a bad vision but I would prefer to always picture them alive. So, I'm thinking this might be tough for your girls. My kids are 3 and 6 and I'm not sure what I would do. I wouldn't want them to close their little eyes everynight and picture Daddy "dead". I guess you could use some gentle words like Daddy is sleeping - forever. No, maybe not because then they may fear falling asleep. I was going to delete this and not post it but most of us may not have the answer, so throwing out our thoughts may help in someway. I'm so sorry.
M.

i am so sorry for your loss. when i was six my grandfather passed away at the funeral my parents would not allow me to view the body and i resented them for that until i was about 18. i was very close to him and was angry that i did not get to say good bye the way i thought i should have. i would say have a discussion with your girls about it and see how they feel about it and make your decision from there. if you dont feel comfortable with them seeing him than dont they will get over it eventually. best of luck to you.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My dad passed and we broke the news to my little sisters at the tender age of seven. I feel they didn't not get the proper therapy for this and did a great deal of unnecessary suffering. I think you are best to check with a grief councelor, but I am pretty sure the best thing to do is to let them say goodbye. Maybe you can explain and have a talk just before viewing and then keep it very brief and limited. It is so hard because the age is very tender.

If nothing else, try to google, "grief or bereavement at a youngage" and see if there are any stories/post that help you with your decision.

Wish you the best during these trying times.

Oh, C., my heart goes out to you and your children. My daddy died and was buried on my 3rd birthday. Yes, let them view their dad's body and make a bedtime ritual of saying goodnight to daddy. Each one can tell a story or memory of daddy - I remember quite a few things about my dad, because I did this at age 3, 4 and 5. My brother was 17 months old at the time; he recently thanked me for sharing those memories back then. What I mostly recall was how my dad made me feel - safe and adored, and my brother knows he also was safe and adored, partly because I remember that. I wish you all the best.

C., my heart so breaks for you and your babes. This is such a difficult decision to have to make, so I wanted to give you some different perspectives. I asked a friend of mine who went through the same thing as you. She had four boys when her husband passed away at 32 (high school sweethearts, teenage pregnancy). Her children were older than yours, but she thought you should, but you had to be ready for a lot of questions, such as: Why does he look so weird, why is he so hard. She said they ask. She also really wanted you to seek a support group and counseling for the twins.
I also asked a therapist who is one of the most enlightened people I know. She said "No", they can not process this.
I asked a child psychologist and she basically had the same response.
Then from my own perspective, I was five when I viewed my great-grandmother's body and it really scared me. I to this day will not attend a viewing, I'm 36.
I hope this helps you with a complicated decision.
My prayers and thought of comfort and guidance are with you and your family.
S. G

My mother passed away suddenly also and my children never said good bye. They were very close to their grandmother and I went back and forth with this decision as well. I finally decided not to let them view the body because I thought it would be too traumatic for them. My son was 8 years old and my daughter was 2 years old at the time. It has been 2 years since we lost her and I sometimes feel guilty with my decision. They often ask questions and talk about her a lot.

Dear C.,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and your children's father.

I was widowed young (didn't have any children at the time), so I know how difficult this is. I hope you have many friends and family you can lean on at this time....they will be of tremendous help in the coming months. Mourning the loss of a spouse and father will take time. Please don't be afraid to reach out to others. A support group or counseling may also be helpful for you and the children after the initial shock settles.

I don't want to overwhelm you with advise right now. You have received so many good responses. Please feel free to e-mail me at any time.

You and your children will be in my thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.

With sympathy,

J.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My dad passed away when I was twelve, and I chose not to see him in the casket. I wanted to remember him as he was, happy and playful. You and your family are in my prayers.

I am so sorry for your loss. God bless you and your family. May He help you and provide you with all the things you need to heal.

When you are ready, please do some research on support groups for yourself, and for your daughters. There are many available.

Take care,
D.

I don't have any words of wisdom on for your little ones, I just wanted to express my condolences for you and your family. I know this must be a very hard time. Will be sending warm thoughts your way.

I'm so sorry. I will pray for you. I just went through this with some friends of ours (the mom passed away). They had the little girls there early to do the viewing and say goodbye privately. They had someone there who the girls were familiar with to take them from the service and let them play in a nearby room. It was too hard for them to sit there the entire time. The girls stayed back at the church while the graveside service was going on. The girls joined the "celebration of their mom's life" when that was over.

I really do wish you the best. If there is anything specific you would like me to pray for you?

On one last note-- it was recommended that the little girl age 5 (who's mom passed away suddenly like your husband) go to at least a couple sessions with a play therapist to try and work through a little of what she was feeling. It might be good for your daughters as well.

C.

There is a couple of books at the library that will help with your problem. My condolances 2 you and your family

Hi C.,
What a tough decision! The LORD knew my heart of wanting to pray for a specific request for you...who knew that He'd use Mamasource...anyway, while I'm praying for you over here, I found a website that might be helpful:

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/death.html

and another helpful one:

http://extension.unh.edu/Family/Documents/s_death.pdf

You're continually in my prayers....love & hugs to you,
your sis' in Christ,
C.H.

i'm so sorry this happened to you and your family...there is a grief board on babyzone.com you might want to take a look at..i don't know if you should show the girls the open casket, you might want to ask them if they want to..could be too much for them. Is there a child psychologist you can talk to or a counselor? i would go to the babyzone grief board and ask them..take care of yourself, i lost my brother and my best friend a few years ago, it really helps to talk to people and express your feelings, you will feel better eventually, just takes a while to get through.

I'm so sorry for your tragedy. Considering their ages, I don't they should see their father's body. I'm also ify on them attending the funeral because they may be scared seeing you and other family members crying. I know I was traumatized to see my aunt go crazy at my uncle's funeral when i was 6 years old. Maybe have some time AFTER the funeral to visit the burial site, bring a framed picture of your husband and have them release white helium balloons to signify where their daddy is. You could even let the older ones tie a note / drawing to the balloon string to say goodbye. You could also tell them their thei daddy IS here with them in their hearts and can talk to him anytime, they can't see or hear him. (or Whatever your afterlife beliefs are).

Oh my! i'm sorry to hear this. My prayers are with you. I don't htink it would be a good idea to let them view the body. I'm sure they are very confused with what's going on already,that may traumatize them. I would suggest explaining death to them if you haven't already) but let them remember daddy in the good way. Again my prayers are with your family.

P.

C.,

My deepest sympathy to you and your children. My heart goes out to you all. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through.

Honestly, I would not suggest letting them view their daddy. It is better for them to remember him in the good times. I was 24 when I viewed a very good friend in his casket. It's been 11 years and I can't get that image of him out of my mind. I was an adult so I can't even imagine what viewing him would do to your children. And I still remember viewing another family member as a small child. It totally freaked me out!!!

Sending the best to your and your children. - K.

C., I can only imagine the things you must be going through in you life and in your mind and heart. I have some experience working with children in grief/loss situations and do have some things to share with you. First, please know that YOU know your children best, so you will make the final decision that is best for them. Generally, it is thought that if children are prepared for the viewing and services, they can make their own decision as to if they would like to attend or not. Being very factual and telling them specifically what they can expect might be helpful to them so they can decide...along with your help of course. There are many children's books that discuss loss...even some with the loss of a parent. Having a person designated to remove the child/children from the situation in case once they get there and feel overwhelmed would be a good idea too. There is so much to think and feel about right now and I am sure you are feeling quite overwhelmed by it all. Plesae feel free to email me directly if you would like...

I am so sorry for your loss. I know nothing I can say will help, but know I am sending prayers to you and your family.

Recently a friend of mine let her 7 and 5 year old kids go to the viewing of their grandfather, whom they loved very much. For two weeks now she has had serious behavioral issues with these boys, who are usually quite easy to be with. The younger boy is also having nightmares about "papa". I don't have personal experience with this, but I don't think 5-year-old children really understand the whole concept of death, and it may be overwhelming to them.

My thoughts are with you.
B.

Dear C.,
First of all, I would like to say, I'm deeply saddened for you and your children. I will keep you and your family in our prayers. I was 18 years old when my boyfriend passed away. My children were 2 yrs. and 4 yrs. old. at the time. I chose not to allow them to see him that way, because I wanted them to have good memories of him. I myself was very young and still til this day have trouble dealing with it. Of course closure is very important, but what I did was make a collage of pictures of all of us together, so when we had the funeral we put it up, and now that's what they remember. I hope this helps. I pray that you have strength when you need it. I will be praying for you. If you need anything, you can reach me at my personal email. ____@____.com

May God Bless You.

Hi C.,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine, as I have, the emotions you are experiencing.

Personally, I wouldn't have your children view their daddy's body. They are too young, and remember this will be the last impression they'll have of him in their minds. It might also lead to nightmares, etc.

Prayers for you and your little-ones.

Take care of yourself,
M.

C., I'm so sorry for your loss. My dad passed away when I was 11. It was not a sudden death but I chose to remember him the way he was when he was alive and did not view his body. My half-sister, who was 14 years older than me, was very upset that I wouldn't take the opportunity to say goodbye. It's a choice I've never regretted.

Nearly 5 years ago my husband passed away at age 54. One of my granddaughters was 5. She'd spent each day with grandpa and asked to see him before they removed his body from our home. We talked to her, explained our belief that his spirit was gone and his body remained. We never referenced it as sleeping. She walked into the bedroom and stood beside him, reached out and touched him and said goodbye.

So I'd suggest you talk to your girls and see what they want to do. Explain what they'll see and ask if they want to see daddy one more time. It's very difficult to deal with the loss of anyone we're close to, as we miss them so very much. As I said, I was fine with my decision at age 11 and never felt I missed "closure".

Take care of yourself and your little ones. I pray that you'll find peace in the days ahead. Talk about daddy and the fun times you've had. My granddaughter slept with grandpa's picture on her bedside table for the longest time as it made her feel good.

No. NO NO NO. DO NOT LET THEM VIEW HIM.
It is trauma enough. I viewed my sister and I was 14 yrs old and it has always haunted me. It was a terrible mistake my parents made. Her face in that casket was so traumatic to me I went into shock, and the memory has never left me.

Wendy

When I was 5 years old, my grandfather died. I come from a religious family, and so my parents explained that he went home to live with God. THey also explained that I could see him again one day. I attended his viewing and his funeral. Attending helped me understand that death is permament. (I didn't really grasp it at the time, but it helped me as time went on). Also, my younger brothers came too. (ages 4 and 2). When my daughter was 4, my aunt died, and I reacted in the same way. She went to the viewing and funeral. We talked about how she is happy with God, and doesn't have pain anymore.(She was severely ill).
It really helps a child understand that this person didn't just go away and abandon him or her.

I am so sorry for your loss. I will say a prayer for your family.
As for viewing the body, I would say no. I really think it will do more harm than good. My daughter wanted to go to a funeral when she was younger to say goodbye but once she got there she was a mess. It sounds good in their head but once the reality sets in it is not good. I would suggest a nice picture by his casket so they can say goodbye that way.

There are no words...I am so very sorry that you lost a husband, and your kids lost a father.

I come from a family of open casket funerals. personally, they creep me out. But, my kids have been to plenty-and they do not phase them in the least. My oldest is 7. they seem to understand that that is just a body they are looking at-the soul/spirt is gone. It doen't not scare them. Also, they have not lost their father. that may be completely different. Kids are surprisingly resiliant. they move one, and they have no problem talking about what is on their mind. death is not as tragic for them as it is for us. Good luck to your family

C. May God be with you in this time of your loss, I am so saddened to hear about your husband, I am praying for you and with you and your family God is favorable, he does not make any mistakes! I never had to go through this I would say Yes please allow them to say goodbye and it will help them in grieving. First I think you should explain as much as possible. May God be with you and your family
J.

I am not sure how to help with the coping, but wanted to say I am very sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss! My prayers are with you and your family right now. I do think you should let your children go to the viewing and say their goodbyes in their own little ways. God bless!
-J. Mercado

First of all C. - i am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't even begin to imagine your grief - my heart goes out to you. I am personally would ask my child if they want to see their daddy one last time before he goes to heaven - and because of their age - explain to them prior to have them approach him - that it will be like seeing him asleep - and that he is peaceful and now with GOD. I am a very spiritual person and beleive in finding peace with GOD. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Take care.

J.

C., First of all let me send you my deepest sympathy. Im so very sorry for your loss.
Your girls, I believe are old enough to understand what's going on but I really think you should you ask them. I know it may sound funny but you really dont want to make a difficult time even more hard. For all of you at this point. How have they been at home? Are they aware of what has happend? You just need to "read" them and take it from there.
If you are local (RSM) and need anything at all. Please contact me, ____@____.com Bless you and your family.
M.

Hi C., sorry you have to go through this. When i was 13 i lost my mother. I found her body in her bed & she had been beaten & strangled to death...i had a 3 yr old sister in the house & a 5 yr old brother. I am thankful that they did not find her first...however, they did view her body & attend the funeral. I also viewed her body at the funeral. I am o.k. With this & so are my siblings. 3 yr old does not remember anything & 5 yr olds memories are vague, but he does remember. The worse thing for me was my grandmother making me kiss her goodbye on the forhead to tell her goodbye. I did not want to but i was made to do it. I remember her body being cold & hard as a stone so ...i would not force them to do anything they are uncomfortable with. They also talked openly around me about her spirit being in the room (they were into such things) her appearing to them...etc. This frightened me & i dealt with this fear untill i was in my early 30's!!! My point is...the kiss at the viewing & spiritual talk was much more difficult for me to handle than the shock of finding her body dead or viewing her at the funeral home. If i had to do it, i would definitely make them go but would protect the young ears from my own views & make the event as sweet as could be. I would let them know that this person has gone to a better place, a place we are all destined for. A wonderful place! Depending on your faith. I know all children are different & this is only "my" experience with it & i was older than your children. I hope the best for you. My fiance lost his wife of 30 years suddenly 5 years ago. (she was 47, they had 2 grown kids & 2 grandkids) he would encourage you! I hear him do it all the time when he meets someone who lost a spouse. He will always love her but eventually was able to make room in his heart for another. Hang in there!!!

I think for most kids seeing the body in the casket is too scary. That won't give them closure, all it will do is make the last memory of their dad one of his cold stiff body. You should have a viewing, if you feel the need, for grown-ups only, but for sure take them to the closed casket funeral. That is the time for them to say goodbye and everything they always wanted to say. Also, the burial can be sad and creepy for them as well. Arrange for someone to take them home after the funeral while you go on to the burial. Later, bring them to the gravesite when the headstone arrives. God bless you, Sweetie. I can't imagine what you must be going through. Take comfort in the thought that at least your twins have each other to comfort. Don't forget that it is ok for them to see you cry once in a while. You don't always have to hold it all in for them. Let them see that their mommy is sad AND strong. She can cry for Daddy but still manage to make them breakfast (after a while). This will help them cry and miss him, but ultimately learn how to go on. Blessed Be!

I am so sorry for your loss.

Let them say goodbye to their Dad. Our 3 year old said goodbye to Gram last summer and we explained what was going on and I think it was better for him.

I am so sorry about your loss.
While it's not exactly the same I can tell you what we did when our cat of 14 years passed a little over a month ago. He was a very important part of our family. My boys are 8 & 5. Orion had been sick so it wasn't a total surprise. The night before we had to put him to sleep we knew he was going to die. We brought both boys to the vets with us and they were in the room when they put Orion to sleep and stayed for a while to say goodbye. We answered all their questions and the vet was really good with them to thankfully.
My husband and I both believe it really helped both of them to be there and to say goodbye. I absolutely think it was the right choice. It wasn't tramatic for them in any way. When we got his ashes back several days later it finished the closure in knowing that while he wouldn't be coming back the way he was he was safe and home and his spirit was with us and watching us still.
Your children's personality plays some role in your choices of course but I would highly consider having them go to the services to say goodbye.

C.,

I am so sorry for your loss. It must be hard.

From what I understand, children those ages, think that the person is asleep but not sure if it is a good idea to let them see him. That way they keep their last memories of him alive and not the last time they saw him which was when daddy was asleep as per their perception.

I feel so bad about your loss and even more for your little ones. My heart goes out to you sweetie and I am praying for your family tonight.

Love and hugs,

C. Bracamonte
West Covina

I am so sorry. I do not have any personal experience with this, but I just wanted to express my condolences to you and your family. Hang in there mama and please take care of yourself and your feelings as well. (((((())))))

I am so sorry to hear about your husband.
My dad passed away when I was 11. I did see him and, honestly, I wish I didn't. It didn't offer any closure for me - I already knew he wasn't coming back. It just gave me an image of him dead vs alive and smiling or winking at me. I think it would be a good idea to seek advice from a counselor or child pyschologist. Are your girls in kindergarten yet? If so, maybe the school counselor/psychologist could offer some ideas? I would highly suggest some longer-term counseling or looking into resources. I know I read in the paper about a group that was started by a child to bring kids together to talk about their loss with other kids who understand. I don't know if they would do that now or later but I so wish I had something like that when I was young. I wouldn't have felt so alone and "different" than other kids, and unfortunately I didn't have a mom who liked to talk about anything emotional.

Again, I am so sorry!!

May God be with you. Depend on God and seek his guidance.

Oh C., my heart goes out to you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I was just on the phone with my sister and she was telling me that her husband feels like there is something wrong with his heart, so he is going to the doctor today.
Now, I read your entry and I find myself crying for you and hoping my brother in law is ok.
I asked myself what i would do, and I truly have no clue.
You know your children the best. Do you think they could handle it? How mature are they? They may not understand that he is not just sleeping. They are so young, that I don't think that they will remember the day of the service when they are older. What does the rest of your family say about it? I truly hope that you receive good advise from other mothers who might have experience this terrible loss.
My condolences to you and your family

HI C., first of all let me give you my deepest condolences on the loss of your husband. I truly know what you are going through. I think you should leave it up to the kids. I let my kids view my daughter when she passed away and anybody else they were close to if they wanted to. One time my son didn't want to when asked beforehand but when it came down to it, he went right up to the coffin to view and they seem to adjust very well afterward. I didn't want to take that from them. It was their choice. Every child is different. I am no raising my granddaughter as my own. my daughter would have been 30 yesterday. God Bless and keep you strong during this time of grief. ((((cyber hugs ))))____@____.com

Dear C.,

My sincere condolences to you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

With regard to your children, I think the question is not just about whether or not to let them view the body, but how best to help them get closure in a way that best suits them. I do agree that viewing the body at that age is not necessary, nor is it helpful. However, I think it is very important to include them in the service. Sometimes, parents think they are protecting their kids by not bringing them to a funeral. In my opinion this just denies them the opportunity to understand what's happening and get their own closure.

You also might want to consider sitting down with them to discuss a special way for them to remember their dad. Perhaps you have a night to reminisce about all the funny memories they can think of. Maybe watch his favorite movie or eat his favorite foods. Maybe they can make collages to commemorate their dad. The bottom line is that the more you communicate with them, the better. They will tell you what they need.

Be well,
G. B.

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently loss my father-in-law last month and I definitely had my boys go to his casket to say good-bye, since they refused to see him on his last day at the hospital. It was too scary for him. But seeing their grandpa "sleeping" in the casket wasn't as scary. We were able to talk about seeing him again in heaven and now they are able to pray for him daily, even adding "and I hope Grandpa gets to heaven safely" after they say grace at the dinner table. My boys are 3 and 5, and both refused to go to pre-school and Kindergarten after the loss, but now have been wanting routine back in their lives. All will be okay if you allow your twins girls to have a way to express their feelings to you at anytime, and to constantly remind them about their father. One thing I promised my father-in-law is that I would never let the boys forget about him. And we talk about him all the time now, so they don't forget. Having photos of him around the house also helps. I'm creating a storybook of their grandfather as a tribute to his life, and I will definitely include funeral photos so that they could remember that time in their lives. Let your children say good-bye to their dad. He will definitely be there, and seeing the kids say good-bye will help him to go where he needs to go, too.

C.,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family. May God watch over all of you, and bless you with the things you need.

Listen to your girls they need to tell you what they want. And don't push them to do things they don't want to do. But be very open with them so they come to you in time of need. See if they want to put in good bye cards for daddy to take with them.
Best wishes to you. J.

Dear C.,
I am sorry for your sudden loss. I will pray for you and the children. It is my hope that you find your peace, wisdom, and strength those Christ. He can and will help you if seek HIM. I also hope your family and friends are piilars of strength for you as wll. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers
C.

I am so sorry for you loss. You and your family are in my prayers.

My heart goes out to you and your little ones. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. As for your question, I don't think they should view the body. Their memories of their Daddy should be the ones of happiness and health and love. You do not want that sad picture in their little heads. I would say to give them closure you could go through pictures and talk about fun times you had together and maybe they can pick something they want Daddy to take with him so he will always know that they love him and are thinking of him and let them know when the time is right they will see him again. Hope this helps. Bless your hearts.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know there's nothing I can say that can help but please know you and your little ones are in my prayers.

Please don't let them view the body. I was 7 when my grandmother passed. And while she was out-of-state so I didn't see her very often, still, the ONLY memory I have of her is of her in her coffin.

Your kids will have better memories. Let them keep those. I would keep them away from the viewing.

All my best.

Please accept my condolences. I hope you and your family find peace in your time of loss.

Hi C.,
I am SO sorry for your loss! I know there are no words to say to take away the pain. I will be praying for you and your family. When my mom died, I did not have children yet but my sister did and my neice was 7 years old at the time. She had her come to the memorial service but no viewing for her. She just felt she wanted her to remember her grandma in a positive way. It might be traumatic for your 5 year olds to see their father that way. It's entirely up to you but I thought I would share what my sister did. Hang in there!

You are in my prayers. I don't know what to say to you, but you will do your best and that will all be OK.
Again I will think about you and pray for you. You sound strong.
You will do OK, but you will always miss your husband, but you will get used to it and life will go on with the children.
God bless you.
B. v. O.

C.,
I just wanted to offer another point of view that may help with your decision.
I am jewish, we don't have viewings or open caskets when we have funerals and are still, very much, able to have closure. As with all of life events, communication is the most important so they know what is happening around them. I don't think it's imperative for them to see their father. And, I do think 5 year olds will remember. Do what you think is right for your girls, but I just wanted to share that in other religions, we don't see the deceased - funerals or memorial services are closed casket.

My condolences to you and your family.

Dearest C.;

My deepest sympathy to you and your family. Only you know your children. At five years old they can understand that Daddy is sleeping ( and his soul is in heaven, or what ever is the next level in your belief system ). However, if they are easily distraught, don't let them look. Have a favorite photo blown up for the casket and smaller versions for the children to hold during the funeral. Again, you have my sympathy in your time of loss. Be well and don't forget to nourish yourself, if you can't eat drink a nutrition drink and take your vitamins.

-S. B.
www.shaklee.net/brady

First let me say I am sorry for your loss.

It may really depend on how you think your child(ren) will deal with it. You can ask them if they want to see him. I personally don't think there is a cut and dry answer. It depends on the child. I know for my, then 12 year old, she needed to see my father (grandpa) when he passed and to this day upset she didn't say goodbye. Nothing about seeing him in that state.

Also, even though they are young, it might help if they write(to their ability) a goodbye letter. That could help.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours at this trying time.

EO

First, I am sorry for your lost; I can't even imagine your pain.

As to your children...Absolutely not. I remember going to a great aunt's funeral when I was 5. I wasn't even close to her but the fear because I was unable to comprehend exactly what has happened has been with me all my life. "Closure" is an adult thing. Children have sweet memories or scary ones. Which ones are up to the adults around them.

Hi C.,

My deepest condolences for your loss. I haven't taken the time to read the rest of the advice, so this may well have been said already. My suggestion to you is that you have a closed casket funeral for everyone's sake. It is always so much better to remember a person how they looked in life, rather than in death.

Also, take this into consideration. Children at around 5 years of age are just beginning to ask questions about death. I think that most parents would agree that telling the child that the deceased is just "sleeping" can set the roots for later (or immediate) fears about sleep. Considering that your husband died in his sleep, I wouldn't be surprised if this already something that is worrying your daughters (what if Mommy doesn't wake up one day? What if I don't, sister doesnt, etc.). Then, imagine compounding this fear by letting your daughters view their father in the coffin, who will look for all the world like he is asleep.

If you do ultimately decide to let them see their father, do not for any reason allow them to touch him. Forgive me for being graphic, but the body will be very cold and will not feel at all like you would expect it to. It can be a traumatic experience for an adult, let alone a child. I was 17 when my grandmother died. My mother had a viewing before the funeral and I asked if I might kiss my grandmother goodbye one last time. I was totally shocked by the feel of her body and it took me a long time to get over it.

Talk to your daughters about what happened in whatever language is comfortable to you and fits within your religious beliefs. Get them grief counselling with a professional child therapist -- they will probably need it (you should consider this for yourself as well). Have them express their loss in pictures and through play, and in writing if they are capable. But don't place before them an image that they may never be able to get over. Instead, give them pictures of them and their dad enjoying life.

May God grant you the strength to survive this most difficult of times and may you be comforted by your memories, your family and your friends.

Blessings to you and your family,

R.

Oh my gosh. i'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry about your loss, C.. Words are just not enough. I would say that 5 years old is much too young to deal with the viewing. As their mother, you know them best. If you have any doubt about allowing them to view their father, please listen to that. I suspect you do, given your question on whether it'd be too traumatic for them. I believe you have your answer. May you draw closer to God and to each other and find strength that surpasses understanding. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you need anything. I may not be able to fully understand but I can certainly listen and offer support. God bless you all.
With Sympathy,
R.

wow im soo sorry thats got to be very hard for you and your family. your girls even at age 5 will be able to understand that (if your religous) god called on their daddy to help him in heaven painting the sunrise (or whatever you choose to say). as for the veiwing explaing to them that daddy will look like he is sleeping even though he is with god and that you can tell him anything you want that you love him and miss him and whatever else they need to say and that he will hear it in heaven. dont force your girls to view him in the coffin let it be their choice. if you force them thats when it can be truamatic to them. also tell your girls that they can sends messages to their daddy through prayer. good luck to you and your family reading this brought tears to my eyes. god bless!

I'm so sorry for your loss, if you have family/friends to help you, please lean heavy on them for a while & ask them to keep the twins occupied, too. Maybe check out books from the library on ways to gently explain his passing. I would think that if you have a viewing & service where his life is celebrated, that would be a good thing for them to be a part of--they are a part of HIM, too. It's a hard thing, no doubt about it, but I would think that as they grow up, they will remember how loved he was when he was here, how much he loved them & that might bring some comfort to them.

My son was 4 when he lost his friend who was 7. It was sudden. We explained everything and told him what was going to happen. He wanted to see his buddy in the casket, so we let him. He was fine with it. We explained that his soul was gone and that all they were putting in the ground is a body, a home for his soul that is no longer being used. He then asked, "Why doesn't God just give him a new body?" I replied, "Maybe he will. I don't know." He got through it just fine.

There is a book that I love called, "Freddie the Fallen Leaf" by Leo Buscaglia and it makes death an ok part of the life cycle.

I am so sorry for your loss. If there is anything I can do, PLEASE let me know.

J. P. DC

I am sooo sorry for your loss. I have thought about this many times and actually thought of this questions just a few minutes ago because my husband and I are going on a trip and that question is in the back of my mind. I know that children are more resiient then we think. I would clearly explain EVERYTHING to them about the process of looking at their father the funeral etc etc. and then ask them what they would like to do. Sometimes us parents put our fears onto our children in order to protect them. Let them decide. And I will keep you in our prayers. I would also allow them to make a card with pictures and maybe a letter that they could put in his casket (if you are going to bury him) that can also be a symbolic way of them saying good bye. Again I am very sorry and will think of you throught this week. Take care

I add my voice to all of the others who express sincere sympathy for your loss.

As for your question, I am a non-viewer, raised in a viewer tradition. I decided that I prefer remembering the loved one as I knew them in life. A viewing can leave a deep impression.

Whatever you decide, I am sure you will be right for your own family. My heart goes out to you and your little ones. Please always ask for help any time you need it, I am sure that many people care about you.

Hi C.,

I would like you to know I am praying for you and your family. I would just like to give my opinion. My grandmother(mother) passed away when I was 31. It was very diffucult for me to face but what I found is that I did not want to see her like that I was not sure what it would do to me so I was resolved with not viewing her. I received closure and I still remember her just as she was laughing and full of life. Kids have a memory that last and I do know what it would do to them. I will pray for God to help give you a clear answere that u will understand and know that it came from him.

Just wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts and I pray g0d gives you and your family he strengh to get through this time. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Maybe let them decide. I think they are old enough. While they may not understand it very well, they will be able to say goodbye. Maybe there is something special that each girl could put within the casket? A special flower that they would like to pick out?

I'm very sorry about your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss. You and your children are in my thoughts.

C.,
I don't really have any advice except to say that if it were me, I wouldn't want my kids to see the casket and him in it as the last they saw of their father. I think it might be too haunting.
Let me say that I am so deeply sorry for your loss. May you find comfort and love in your little ones at this difficult time.
R.

I have a grandson who was 5-when his Great Grandfather passed away. He did ok! with it & I think It helped him understand alittle better. Why we wouldn't be able to see him anymore.

I wish that I had some great advice or wisdom to offer you, but simply wanted to tell you that I am praying for you, your children and the rest of your family. I am sure whatever you decide, as their mom will be the best decision for your family. I pray that you will be surrounded with love as you go through this difficult time and in the months to come.

I don't have any good advice, but I just wanted to offer my sincerest condolences and you'll be in my prayers.

Hi C.,

I am so so sorry about your husband. I can only imagine what you are going through, and I pray you have supportive people in your life.

My opinion is that it would be traumatic for your girls to see their dad's body. Even though they would be able to say good bye, he would not be able to say good bye and that could make things even more difficult.

Children that age are so concrete in their thinking that they may come away with some very negative thoughts about themselves when daddy doesn't answer.

I have a wonderful child therapist who worked with my daughter following a very traumatic event (her dad suffered a severe brain injury).....I hope you will seek some help in helping your girls handle their loss.

All the best,

N.

Hi C.
I'm so very sorry for your families loss, I can't begin to imagine how hard this must be for you.
I personally think that for any 5 yr old child to view their fathers body would be too much. Why don't you do a special ceremony at home, just for you and your girls to say good bye to daddy. You could pull out recent pictures and they could clip flowers out of the yard him and set them up in the living room and the twins could each have their turn of saying something to their father for closure. This way they can see him & also be able to say goodbye in the privacy of your home.
My thoughts are with you.
S.

My prayers are with you and your family during this tragic loss. My only advice to you is to explain to them that there father has passed away the best way you know how and give them the option to view their father. Again, I will pray for you all and again I am so sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss. When my father passed away I allowed my boys (5 & 2 at the time) to go the viewing and the service. My oldest son (now 10) has not had a problem with seeing him grandpa. My middle son (now 7) does not remember. On the other hand my sister did not let her kids go to the viewing because she thought it would be tramatic.
Take Care,
T.

may the Lord continue to keep you and your family in His sheltering arms C.. since your children are so young, have you considered just having the casket closed at the funeral. why not put a picture of their father on top so they can be left with good memories? i don't think it's necessary for them to see their deceased father. ask the Lord for continued guidance my sister. i will be praying for you and your family.

C.,
I too am so sorry for your loss. I would leave it up to the girls and each may be different that is ok. I agree with all that if they are up for it it would be good for them to see him & say there goodbyes. Because they are young they may not react now not really understanding that he will never be back it may take days or years for it to hit them. Just try and be supportive of them and let them speak & remember him. At the funeral you may want to ask a different friend or family member to be in charge of each of the kids because one may want to view & one may not and they shouldn't be left alone. Good luck now & in the future my prayers are with you & the kids.

C.,
I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray for peace for you and your family. I don't have any advice, but I wanted to send you and your family a hug.
Susie

C.,
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. I agree with the others that it is not a good idea to let the children see the body. I was 22 years old when my grandmother died ant there was an open casket at the memorial service. That is still the last picture I have in my mind of my grandmother and I am now 45. Later that year my father passed away and I refused to see the body. I could imagine enough after the experience with my grandmother.
We will be praying for you and your family.
K.

I am s sorry to hear of your loss...I can't imagine your pain. You must remember the beautiful years you had with your man, and that you did, indeed have him for that long. I know it's easier said...I recently attended a funeral, (I've lost a few friends in the past yrs.)one of my best friends lost her husband in his sleep. She had an open casket. I believe it was a mistake, and no, please do not let your babies see him.
Some children do better than others with this, it's really hard to say without knowing your girls, which I'm sure are angels! But my advice is no. I wish my friend had a closed casket. It would have been better to remember him as he was, full of life, light and laughter. It ruined it for me somehow. It seems they can't make the faces "full" as in life and everything kind of "melts" down into their neck area, making them look like a deflated balloon and very creepy.
Again, I am so sorry, I don't mean to sound morbid, but please, spare them viewing their daddy like that to remember. The image does remain in their little heads, his love for them and his life are the important things for them to remember...not reality of death. Please think about it...Good luck, and our prayers are extended to you and your families.
H. Lowinger, mother of 23 yr old daughter, and son, 12.

I'm very sorry for your loss. my friend had a five year old who she let, had the child to touch the deceased as she told Papa goodbye; and I was just over-the-top horrified, and still I don't like the idea at all. But in their culture, this is what they do. Bottom line is... whatever You feel about it, your kids will pick up on, so handle it the way you feel the most comfortable.

Dear C.,

I am so sorry for your loss...you have such courage.

I wish you whatever you need for your healing process and your children's as well.

There is a wonderful woman in Seal Beach named Leanne Crawford. She specilaizes in grief counseling. Maybe she could give you some advice and help you through this incredibly difficult time.

###-###-####.

Praying for you and your family,

R.

C. E.

I am very sorry for your loss. I don't believe your children will understand, but it is your discretion as to whether they should go to the funeral. The viewing you may want to have this time alone, however, it would be wise to allow the two children to go to the funeral. This will be a way for them to go and say "good bye." I have been to many funerals in my life time with my own children and being at the services never hurt them, they did however have many questions afterward. This is only normal, they will grieve when their father does not come home and they will constantly want to know "why daddy didn't come home with them." This is going to be the most difficult time for you as you will have to explain this to the children in language they will understand. While you are explaining this to them you will become very emotional, but you will have to remember to be strong for your children, this is important to remember. However, the way you deal with this and your children is how your children will deal with the death of a friend or loved one later on in their lives. I truly feel for you right now as your task is not an easy one. If you need further help, consider speaking to a counselor and definitely have your two children speak to a counselor as well. In fact, make it a family affair, in this way a counselor can help you to field all questions you children might have down the road as well as in the present. Again, I am very sorry for your loss. Take it slow a careful as this will take its toll on you as well as the twins. I will keep you in my prayers.

I don't suggest it. Your husband will not look like himself. Your twins will be curious about the open casket and the wake. I would tell them that some people like to look at their loved ones to say goodbye, but that their daddy does not look the same because he isn't really there anymore. It is like when a butterfly/moth changes...the old outside is still there, but not the creature. The part of daddy that laughed and loved is in heaven with God now always loving and always watching how his children are growing.
If after all that they want to view him and say goodbye, then let them, reminding them that he may not look exactly the same.
I wish you peace through this horrible time and send my deepest sympathies.

OMG!I will pray for you and your family! I wish strength, courage, and energy for you right now(with 3 little ones).
I am sorry but I dont have any advise as far as viewing the body...???
I just wanted to send you a note and let you know that a fellow woman and mother is sending you positive energy.
My heart goes out to you. Take Care!

Hi Crystral, first off I would like to give my sympathy to you and your family. That is so sad to hear. I think it would be a good idea but painful to do so. It would give your girls a chance to say goodbye to their daddy. it was hard for my lil niece when she was 4 years old at the time. She cried but she had a chance to say goodbye and
Say "I love you". Their strong but you have to be stronger all together. Again I'm sorry for your lost. Think about the good times and know he wants you to smile for him. Know he well be watching over all of you. Carry the memories for him. God bless you and your family.

I would definitely keep them home from the funeral home and services if at all possible. The reason I say this is that if there is a wake or visitation, the casket will be open and they may be traumatized by viewing the body. (When I was around five, my grandparents began bringing us to visitations at the funeral home and I still have difficulty in going there when necessary. It just seems like you can see the person breathing. This is definitely something I would not want them exposed to.) Also, at the funeral home or services, they will be exposed to friends and relatives who, while well meaning, will say pretty tactless things. I would protect them at all costs and forget about all the relatives who say that the family should all be together for the events.

My deep sympathy to you and your entire family.
J.

My condolences to you and your family. I think that if you have already discuss the passing of your husband with your daughters. I think it'll be okay for them to view the body of their father so that they can understand. Wish you the best of luck and comfort in your time of need.