How to Help My Daughter Through My Breakup with My Boyfriend

Once you reestablish a home around people who show her love and stability she will be fine. Not to be harsh, but a man who expects a woman and her child to move in with him should have only done so after marriage-his intentions were never permanent-think about it-and best of luck.

Does your bf want to continue being her dad? Do his family also? If he really wants to commit, I don't see why you can't work out a visitation schedule like you would if you were divorcing her biologic father? Of course the distance will make it difficult but every other weekend and a good portion of the summer and Christmas time/winter breaks might be workable. Also if you don't already Skype or facetime, now is the time to start. I assume this is really difficult for your bf as well. She has been his daughter for 4 years.

Unless you have a great job lined up in Colorado and/or a good support system in addition to one brother, I would strongly consider remaining in California. Friends won't be any easier to make in Colorado than in California and basing a move on an adult sibling is asking a lot of that sibling.

There are a lot of resources for helping kids cope with divorce. I would start with your local library. And she will be heartbroken. Probably at least as much as you. She is losing the only father she has known. You are losing a relationship (and I understand you may have felt it was forever) of 5 years.

Unfortunately, she probably is as heartbroken as you, and without the benefit of knowing as many details as you do.

It's good to tell her that things will be alright, but she really needs to have her questions answered (at her level, naturally), and to not have everyone ripped away, if that's at all possible. Can you connect with them on Skype or over the phone for her benefit (assuming they are good people, just that the relationship didn't work out)? Also, she may not be asking about it, but could probably use a lot of reassurance that it's not her fault at all.

There are childrens books about parents breaking up. Perhaps you can find one that would be helpful to her. I was at a Barnes and Noble recently looking for books on not taking things that don't belong to you for my five year old and it turns out there's a whole little section about "big issues," including ours, yours, potty training and manners. It was just outside the childrens book section, not really in it (next to books on developmental issues).

Best wishes.

you can't make this okay. you can only do your best to help her through it. sorry to say. the reality is, her little life has been torn to pieces in lots of ways - kids don't thrive in chaos. she will regress behaviorally, she will be sad, confused, hurt, angry...you can't make it go away. just be there for her and love her and ACCEPT that she didn't choose this. she can't help how she reacts, she's 5. remember who made all of these decisions - it wasn't her. understand that, because the temptation will be there to lose your patience with her, get frustrated, not understand where she's coming from and blame her. don't. love her most when she is hardest to love. although if we all followed this there would be many fewer breakups and moves.

This is so hard on her I imagine. I'm so sorry you guys are going through this.

This is like others said, like a divorce but she won't ever see him or his family again, it's like they just died so she's grieving. This is going to be something she'll be dealing with for a very long time. Just be there for her and know when she's acting out and being naughty she is working through stuff. When she says she hates you and does stuff just to make you mad she's punishing you for taking away her family.

Shan is giving great advice. You should expect that she may end up having behavioral issues on account of losing her "family" and moving. Both pack a punch. Give her loving, but firm limits while you work through these issues after the move.

Good luck,
Dawn

You need to think of this as a divorce, only kind of worse. These are the people who have loved and raised her and now "poof", they are gone.

Telling her that it's going to be OK isn't going to help. You don't say much of anything, she's very young. You reassure her that you are both sad and that you are moving to be closer to family so that you have more people to love her.

As someone else asked, will your ex continue to be in contact with her? I really hope so. Having him (them) disappear completely is a bad thing. Encourage her to keep in touch with them by having her write letters, send drawings, email, Skype, Facetime... whatever. She feels a strong connection to them and it's not her fault that the connection is broken.

Check with him and his family and see what they are comfortable doing, but ensure that everyone does "something". A card in the mail once in a while from grandma or auntie makes a huge difference in a child's life.

Good luck in Colorado!

I know you don't want your daughter to be as heartbroken, but you can't prevent that. She will be because the man meant a lot to both of you. Her feelings are there and they are powerful. Perhaps there are books about loss/changing relationships at the library that could help you find the words. Shower her with love and concentrate on the both of you. Good luck!

The thing she needs most is permission to feel all of her feelings. Create a safe and supportive "feeling space" for her. Have a box of kleenex, a warm soft blanket to cuddle in, a stuffed animal to hug and help her feel, pictures of different feeling faces to help her identify her different feelings,
paper to draw pictures of how she feels, and anything else that would feel supportive like a little fairy or angel. For feelings of anger supply her with an old phone book or magazines to tear up or a pillow to scream in.

Let her know that whatever she feels is okay and that it is just important to express them appropriately rather than just acting out. It will be more difficult for her to regulate because she is so young so it will be important for you to be patient with her and to teach her how to use her feeling space and how to create one wherever she goes.

Poor little thing. As others said, she is probably going to regress, and act out. If you can keep him in her life somehow, that would be great. Maybe he is one of those rare, unique males who doesn't only think of himself after a breakup.

Don't tell her she will be okay, mirror her emotions. I know you are sad because we aren't living with _____ any more. This is a huge loss for her, he was the only father she had, and as someone else pointed out, it's like a death to her.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I am so glad that you are not trying to kep her in the lives of folk that are no relation to her. If your ex gets a new girlfriend, she (the adult) will not like the constant reminder.

first off dont be hard on yourself. in life we all lose people we love through death, moving, breaking up, and so on...don't blame yourself for her losing someone. kids lose best friendswhen they move away, relatives when they die....
I worried about the what if's so much when moving in with my boyfriend and wondered what if she got close to him and weended things and so on...i spoke to a therpist whpo said as long as our intentions are for the long run there are no guarantees in life and if something does happen then its your job as her parent to help her mourn and grieve and work through it.
so if i were you i'd do J. that. help her work through this and possibly try and p[lan a future weekend visit where she can visit them without you (while you stay at a hotel or something) so atleast she has something to look foward to. is he deciding to stay in her life as well?

Lots of good suggestions here.

Did your daughter, actually call your Boyfriend "Daddy?"
If so, that in itself, will cause a lot of confusion for her.
A little kid, does not know the difference between a Boyfriend or a Daddy... especially when the man is in the child's life like that and you all moved for him and that she calls his Mom "Grandma."
So many, role confusions, for such a young child.
They are not "family." This was just your Boyfriend's family.
But again, for a young child, they do not know the fiction v.s the non-fiction of it all. These are adult, constructs.

Then, does your brother even know or like, that you are moving there to him? Is he, a stable normal nice guy? If not, your daughter may again, be emotional upset.

Your daughter, is more heartbroken about it, than you are.
She is only a child.

And, if your ex-boyfriend still continues a relationship with your daughter, then when he gets a new Girlfriend, she... will... not, like that. At all. It is not even his, daughter, but just an Ex's child. Not even his.
But yet, his Mom.... will be continuing to be "Grandma" to your daughter???? What if, down the road, she tires of doing that??? And then becomes close to her son's next Girlfriend?
Too many, unfortunate, issues and problems, for your daughter to deal with.

I know this is not the PC answer that you will want to hear, but this is exactly why Dr.Laura says single parents should not date - trauma and heart break and confusion for the children. I would call Dr. Laura, or read some of her books and try not to repeat the same mistakes.
Good Luck.