We have 3 kids: a girl (7) and 2 boys (5.5 and 2.75). Judith, our 58-year-old live-in nanny of almost 4 years abruptly quit yesterday. She normally leaves our house over the weekend and returns on Sunday night, so we weren't surprised to find her gone on Saturday morning, but this time we awoke to a find a hastily hand-scribbled note from her with the house key on top of it. The note read, "I'm not going to come back. Don't call me." Her stuff was all gone from her bedroom, except for 100% of all the things we had ever given to her, including clothes, shoes, boots, a CD boom box, a Spanish Bible, and photos of our kids. It was very sad to see, since her quitting was quite a shock and, on top of that, it seemed to be done in such an angry and hateful way. She was someone we truly loved, despite the fact that, in the past few months, she had become more withdrawn and seemingly apathetic at best, or resentful at worst, about doing her job. Before that time, however, she had been a very pleasant and hard-working woman, and, for the most part, we were very happy with her.
The issues that arose between Judith and us in the past few months as her attitude deteriorated have been significant, but too much to go into in this post. Each time, however, we would try to work through the problem and reaffirm for her how much we loved her, needed her, and wanted her to stay. Communicating with her about "issues" was always difficult though because of her limited ability to speak and understand English. (She speaks Spanish, which we don't - I'm sad that Michael, our youngest, will now likely lose his bilingual abilities since Judith spoke Spanish to him all day long from the time he was born.) While we always seemed to reach some kind of understanding with Judith, we were never really sure because of her passive-aggressive nature and her limited English skills.
Judith is greatly loved by our 3 kids, all of whom have either never known life without her, or at least have no memory of her not living with us and helping take care of them. Because she was with us during my pregancy with and birth of Michael and spends every day with just him while the older 2 kids are in school, Judith is particularly bonded with Michael. She has truly been a wonderful, loving, nurturing, surrogate mother to him from the moment he was born, which is the main reason why we never wanted to let her go despite any problems we were having with her. We fear that her departure is going to be like the death of a parent for him as he starts to realize that she is not coming back, but worse because he doesn't understand what's going on.
My husband thinks we should try to let our kids, particularly Michael, stay in touch with Judith by phone and even set up visits between her and Michael (I know she would want that despite her instructions not to call her), but I disagree since I think that the sooner we "cut the cord" and don't look back, the less our kids will suffer without her. I don't know though - what would you do?
UPDATE: Thank you for all the very thoughtful and helpful responses so far. I just wanted to address one issue that may be sidetracking some people though - there is no issue about deportation since Judith became a naturalized U.S. citizen about 30 years ago. (Her English skills have not improved much despite all the years that she has lived in the U.S. because, until becoming our nanny, she had surrounded herself exclusively by Spanish-speaking people, including at the job she had for years in Fannie May's warehouse.)
I'm with you on this one - time to cut the cord and move on. You said that you had "significant" issues with her anyway. Maybe it's just for the best. The kids will get over it. Say whatever you have to so they understand that her leaving had nothing to do with them, that she still loves them, etc...but that it was time for her to move on. And leave it at that. The kids will take their cue from you as to what to make of the situation.
wow...I think I would try and find out what made her so unhappy that she felt she had to leave and to leave everything you ever gave her...it sounds like there was something major that she felt either unappreciated or maybe she understood more english then you thought and she misunderstood something she heard? I would have got someone as an interpreter before I let someone who was obviously So important to you and your family leave in such a hurt manner...because that is what I get from this...not so much anger as hurt...but then I have been a nanny before!
Also, don't punish the children! The person who said this was just someone hired to watch the kids does not understand the dynamic of a nanny...for all practical purposes this woman WAS family....family is who you make it...your children deserve to have a continued relationship with her if Judith wishes to continue. I still say it is worth pursuing to mend bridges...did you ever assume that MAYBE Judith due to age or whatever felt over worked??? Maybe hiring someone else on to assist her would have helped...just my two cents...
Judith sounds like she's done with you so I think you need to be done with her. I'd tell the kids. "Judith had to leave to take care of some other kids that needed her really, really bad"... she is just a nanny and not a family member. The kids need to learn that she was someone that got paid to watch them. Your 7 yr old and 5 yr old will be able to wrap their mind around it if you explain it to them. The two yr old wont give a damn.
ps
Maybe she was here illegally and that's why she got stressed out for the last few months.... That's a thought to consider since it was such an abrupt exit.
I agree that you should not try to call her. She clearly asked you to leave her alone and I think you will cause more problems by trying to talk to her. I have to agree with Grandma T, it's possible she was illegal. I would recommend you hire someone who is here legally, that may be better at the very least to talk to her and understand what she is trying to say.
If you want your kids to speak Spanish there are ways to teach them without having someone they can barley understand. I'm sorry this happened to you and your family.
If it were me I would not contact her, and I would attempt to minimize the stress to your kids. Help them understand it is not their fault, and had nothing to do with them. You will also have to explain, at least to the older ones, the concept of "hired help" - and how it differs from family.
This is going to sound harsh, and I don't intend to it to be - but I would not allow my children to spend that much time with hired help to the point they are bonded with that person to that extent. Children have a deep need to connect with someone - and imho - ideally that person is mom or dad. I don't say this lightly - I have tried just about every form of child care there is (regrettably). There's just no one better than mom or dad, provided they are functional, stable adults and not abusive or neglectful.
JMO.
Such a tough situation. Loss is hard. Loss because of emotional issues is possibly even harder – something like a divorce, I'd guess, and children are often left with the feeling that they are somehow at fault.
First, don't try to convince your kids to feel anything other than what they feel. Empathize with them, hug them when they feel grief or anger, assure them that the feelings are normal, and they will need some time for the feelings to change. And assure them that they will feel better someday.
Your children may experience times when they need to mope, or cry, and may act out with anger at surprising moments in the next few weeks. If that happens, you might even ask if they feel sad or angry about Judith, thus giving them a safe way to express the feelings. Follow those times when possible with a "memorial" moment, in which you can help them find a happy thought about what Judith meant to them, or a tender memory of her love for them. Help them understand that those positive memories will always be available when they want to choose them, and that is what happiness is really about – keeping the good and allowing the bad to fade.
They will gradually make their adjustments. The coming months will probably allow many opportunities for processing, healing, and forgiving; all essential elements of maturation.
Whether to stay in touch with Judith is going to depend a great deal on how open she actually is to that. I'd call her in a week or two, just to ask if she's all right and tell her you care about her. If she receives that well, tell her the kids miss her, and play it by ear. A more distant friendship may or may not be better than completely cutting off future contact.
My best to you all.
I had nannies growing up, some of whom left very abruptly. Good for you for acknowledging that it is going to be very very painful for your children. Expect them to be very angry at you - because you hired this person who left them so quickly, because you didn't know this was how she was going to leave, because you are there and she's not. It will probably be very painful for you, but do your best to roll with it. Expect a good deal of behavioral issues from all the kids. Sorry.
I would treat her departure as a death (NOT tell your kids she died, of course) and not seek to continue communication. For whatever reason this woman decided that you could not be in each other's lives anymore. No doubt the loss of your children is very painful for her too, and this might be the best way she can deal with it. This way the children can grieve the loss without pinning hopes their hopes on the idea that "someday she'll come back," especially if they can convince her how much they'll miss her, etc etc. You don't want them feeling responsible for getting her to return.
I am so sorry that you're going through this. And again, good for you for letting your children grieve this important relationship without feeling threatened.
I'm with you on this one.... up to a certain point....(Si, si, pero no)
She said don't call me, so, don't call her, I think its best if like Margaret says, you let them know that they had nothing to do with her leaving, but that she felt it like your paths weren't together anymore. Your kids will get over it in time, and they will certainly miss her and remember her fondly. I think it would be best. Although, I wouldn't deny her the chance to see them, and call them if she ever came back looking for them.
I'm sorry your kids lost their nanny and hope that you find someone reliable soon.
Good Luck!!
I am a former nanny and loved the children like they were my own. But over the years it does take a toll on you. I do not know how your relationship with your husband is, but I know that when I lived in their situation took a huge toll on me stress wise. I also know that there was repeated times that I recieved no time to myself, even though the parent were at home when they should have spent time with their children. This may not be the same situation but it does take a toll on a nanny.
Wow- that is really sad. It sounds like she may have something going on in her life to just leave like that. If she was that attached to your family you would think she would sit down and talk with you. Do you have a way to find out if she is ok? IF she is unstable like that, as hard as it is, you probably do not want her raising your children. I work with families who have live in childcare and the au pair is with them for 2 years. Yes, the children are sad when they leave but they do bounce back very quickly. I would say to not talk about it with him and let it go. If he is not quite 3 I think he will be ok. If it was me I would really want to know what happened and why she left. I don't know that I would let her continue to have a relationship with your children since it might just confuse them. Good luck and I hope everything turns out all right.
Sounds like she did you both a favor. She knew she had developed a relationship with your children and it was up to her to exit properly. I would tell the children she is gone and it's not their fault. She was possibly going through something and if she couldn't communicate that to you, then leave her be. It's good she left because you don't won't someone around your children with hostility and frustration.
Find another nannie.... Nannie what's that? There were seven of us.... Just kidding.
I am wondering if she was going to be deported possibly, knew this? and was preparing herself and possibly protecting you. By cutting off her ties she might have left her past physically but not in her heart. She probably sincerely loved your children, but was agonizing over this possibility and did not want to bring any grief to your life. She might have thought this was the only way to do it. There are lot of 'maybe's' here pray for her safety and continue to love her.
I used to be a nanny for several years for a few different families. I understand the close bond a child and nanny develop to each other. Your children are very lucky that you understand this and don't seem to feel threatened by it. I also know all about the stresses that are involved as a nanny, especially feeling misunderstood and taken advantage of. I know many, many nannies feel this way at some point, and it can come on pretty abruptly. When you start to feel that way then any little thing that happens can reconfirm your feelings in your mind and the negative feelings just snow ball. Could Judith possibly have felt this way? Leaving the way she did makes me think she was really hurt and upset. I'm sure she feels strongly for your children and if she didn't say goodbye to them she must have something very heavy on her mind. She is going to miss them, and they are going to miss her. I would call her after a few days or a couple of weeks and feel her out. If she would like to visit with your children I would let her. An abrupt separation without getting any closure is hard on anyone, children included. Being able to see her and talk with her occassionally may help your children better understand things as opposed to her just disappearing. That can be really confusing to your 2 year old who doesn't have the vocabulary to ask or understand as the older ones may. He may become concerned that you or Daddy may just leave one day and develop a strong case of separation anxiety. Whether they see Judith again or not, as you know, your children will grieve her loss. I'm sure you will, too. She has been an important person in your family's life. Your kids may all act out in anger or be really sad for quite awhile. Or they may seem fine for awhile and then react out of the blue. Talk with them and let them know it is okay to come to you no matter what their feelings are. Also, you mentioned one concern you have is your son being bilingual. I think that is a great asset to him. Maybe hire another nanny that speaks Spanish and encourage her use it around him. I would recommend that your new nanny speak a little bit more English so that you can communicate better in the future. It may make your relationship with her much easier.
Here is a really great book that you can read with kids to help them deal with the grief of losing this special person:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/pamela-braithwaite/missing-jessi...
