How to Not Discipline Other People's Kids

Ha this is a good post. I know my children misbehave when I am around my mother and I have no idea why.

My good friend has 4 children and I have 3. we started out as neighbors too :) so when were together we do disipline eachothers children. Mainly I help with hers. They are younger than mine and a little Wild :)
I asked her if she minded me saying something to her kids. I told her that I cared about them very much, like my own kids. I want the best for them. She and I discussed that for the friendship to work we had to be able to have the kids with us while we visited. The kids are friends too.
If its something that required a time out or someting Ill ask her if she wasnts to "Get This" Ill hold her newborn while she deals with the chlld. She also has to talk to my children but were pretty much respectful to eachother and give the other a shot to correct.

Do they all come over at once? Maybe only have one come over at a time. Kids being kids does not mean throwing things or hitting. And yes, kids will do things, but part of learning is learning boundaries and limits. Sounds like too many kids for her.

My rule is: My house, my rules. When you are out with her, it's her rules for her kids. Period.

You are doing the right thing with your kids! There is a generation out there that has no boundaries. Kids need boundaries. If they can't learn to follow rules as children, they can expect a life of disappointment and chaos.

I suggest you have an honest conversation with your friend about the expectations of children in your house. There, they must comply. In public, hers are not yours to teach. Hopefully she will learn from you. If not, sorry. She has to respect your opinions even if she doesn't agree. Maybe you'll have to meet outside of your house. :)

I agree with Denise. In my house, it's my rules. Instead of hollering don't run or slow down, etc. I say, "honey, we don't do that in our house." It works well for my 8 year old daughter's friends, and is less offensive to their parents. If their mom is with you in a public place, you need to zip your mouth. I know it's hard! When we are somewhere where discipline is weak, my kids have all tried to get away with what their friend was. I will look them in the eye and lower my voice and say, "Now Veronica, you know better. If this keeps up, we will leave NOW." I usually get a "sorry, mom" or a gulp and the behavior stops.

short answer: When they are in your house they must follow your rules. I suggest you have a talk with her about your expectations and suggest that you will not discipline her kids but you will tell her when they must stop what they are doing so that she can stop them.

Try to make the conversation casual and perhaps have it off and on over a period of time if you feel that she's not understanding.

Consider the possibility that she's putting out the negative feelings not because you're disciplining them but because she's ashamed/embarrassed of/by their behavior but doesn't know how to deal with it. Or she may realize that she does have different expectations of her children but again doesn't know how to deal with the situation while she's at your house. Her feelings may be about how she feels about the situation and have little to do with what you're doing. She just doesn't know how to make it better. A discussion has the possibility of clearing the air for both of you with a positive result.

I'm harder on my kids than on other people's kids, too. My kids know my rules, and generally obey, but I have to issue regular reminders to all when other kids are in the house. I don't want my kids to believe that when someone else is over our rules go out the window. With my friends' kids, I fall back on "house rules." Mom's rules might make her mean, but who can argue with house rules? My friend and her 2 boys were over last week for the first time. Our parenting styles are very different. I tend to do more positive behavior reinforcement discipline, and she yells. When they were insisting on eating in in our front room while playing, I took their snack bowls to the kitchen table & simply said, "Sorry! We eat only in the kitchen. House rules!" I smiled at my friend. When running down the hallway later, "Sorry! We walk in the house...house rules!" Again, smile to friend. After awhile, she even said that she liked the "house rules" thing. I do it to my own kids all the time. When they're whining about not getting dessert, it's simply, "You can if you try everything on your plate. House rules!" They've never once argued that our house rules are stupid, but the first time I say something else and they question it, if my answer is "because I said so" or "because I don't want you to" they will argue and whine. However, I say "house rules!" and they comply...sometimes reluctantly, but they comply! I find that friends' kids compy pretty easily, and parents don't seem to mind because I'm just issuing rules rather than warnings or discipline. They tend to get on board with the "house rules!" with me. What's even better is so do my kids! At 8, 4, and 4, even my twins are telling people, "Please take your shoes off." The other kid might say they want to keep them on & my 4 yr olds will say, "Sorry, put them on the rug...house rules!"

I tread VERY carefully where this is concerned. If you see her tensing up, then she is obviously uncomfortable. I agree, your house, your rules but if the parent is present, I usually sit quietly and sort of wait to see if the child(ren)'s mother will say something first. And if I do say something when the other parent is there, I go over to all the kids, mine included and say something like "Hey guys, you know we have a rule about having shoes on in this house. And things are getting crazy in here with all running. I'm afraid someone is going to get hurt." Were you at Walmart with your friend when her kids were playing in the trash can? If you were not at your house and she was present and you disciplined them in front of her---well, I don't think that is cool. I wouldn't like it if someone did that to my kids. Especially if you said "That's disgusting! You need to stop!" You could easily have said something that sounded less snappy like "Hey guys--there's lots of germs on trash cans. Yuck! I don't think you want to get them on your hands." But I agree, at your house, you very much have a right to set the rules, calm things down and step in if you've given her the chance and she's ignored the behavior. And just be very gentle about it--make sure your tone of voice is diplomatic, non-emotional and not sounding irritated. It is often the tone of voice that people react to rather than what is being said. This kind of stuff can really hurt friendships and you both have valid feelilngs involved.

OMG - I think I've written this same type of post before LOL! I was just talking about this with a friend of mine, both of us are those "mean" parents, just like you.

I actually think that the main issues are 1) respect for other people's homes, 2) different parenting styles and 3) expectations for disciplining other people's children.

Overall, I think that bottom line, in your home, make your rules and enforce them equally for ALL PEOPLE (not just children) that come into your home. After that, I don't think it's your business to control her kids.

I agree with your 100% that allowing children to be out of control in any situation is unacceptable to me too. However I have had to learn to respect other people's parenting styles and expectations of their own kids.

If you want to, try to talk to your girlfriend. Explain that your are simply trying to "help" keep all the kids safe and at a reasonable volume. Don't blame her, or her children for their behavior or lack of control. That's YOUR prerogative. Explain that you don't want anyone getting hurt, anything getting broken, etc. And that you hope she agrees that when things get "out of control" with ANY of the kids, that each of you should stop the given behavior. THEN, be quiet. Let her think, answer, vent, whatever. Just give her a chance to voice HER opinions.

I think bottom line is that if you don't agree with her children's behavior, she won't do anything about it and doesn't want you to either, then you have to decide if it's worth having them in your home/backyard? Unfortunately, there are cases where I have decided that since some people CAN'T respect my home, my rules, etc. then I can't have them over. Instead, we meet at the zoo, park, etc. And when their kids start acting up, I either ignore it or start walking away with my kids and refocus them on something truly interesting.

Msg me anytime. It sounds like you and I have very similar views on parenting.

I know it's frustrating. But I think you have to just let her deal with her kids.

Explain to her that you do not mean to sound harsh, but at your house the kids need to obey your rules. Ask her if she would rather be the one talking to them about it, and if she would like, in the future, for you to ask her to ask them to stop, but either way you expect them to follow your rules in your house.

I am not sure that all parents feel this way but if you see my child do something wrong....tell them. I cannot watch every move my child makes and I might miss some things. As long as you do it in a respectful way and are not only correcting my child, then have at it. As far as your friend, can you make arrangements to spend time with her somewhere besides your house? That way if they seem to get out of hand, you don't have to correct them and your things are not going to get ruined.

It sounds like she's trying to justify her own lack of control of her kids with the "kids will be kids' line.
Look, it's your house, you have a right to set some rules and guidelines and you shouldn't have to clean up after their messes. She should understand at least that. How would she like it if you came over and your kids turned her house upside down? I would avoid going places with her when the kids are along and I'd explain that you're feeling that she's tensing up if you say anything to the kids. If they mess up in a store, it's going to cost her if she doesn't maintain control; does she want that?

I had a similar issue with a friend of mine. Our boys are 2 1/2 and my expectations at a restaurant is that you sit down, not stand and jump or bother other people. I told my son, who said "cyrus do it too" that I don't care what he is doing, when he is being bad his mom will say something, but my rules still apply. it kinda made my friend step up and parent.
I try to be gentle (sometimes it's hard!) but the other day I made a comment to her that her son talks to her as if HE were in charge. He was actually being REALLY rude and my son would have been in trouble had he talked to me like that - just hope she understood it as a constructive comment because sometimes you need someone else to open your eyes to the situation since you don't want it to get out of control. (I have my mother for that and she is anything but careful about my feelings). And, of course, I don't want my son to pick up on bad habits, it's hard enough to kick the ones he acquires on his own.

It's a really tough situation, especially when you know how well behaved the kids CAN be. You might just want to enforce the rules of your home in your home and explain to your children that they are in NO WAY to start acting like their friends do in public.
I find myself in the same position quite often, as I am a home daycare provider and am also friends with many of my current and former clients. I've run into MAJOR issues with my niece and nephew also (well, issues with their parents). I have rules in my home and in the daycare and expect crazy things like using manners, not throwing fits, etc. Many of the parents joke that they invite me to birthday parties to keep the kids behaved, but really it's just that the kids know what I expect, know how proud of them I am when they are well behaved and often just fall into their good habits just because I'm around. Not always, but often. Sometimes they do the exact opposite just because their parents are around. What I do is enforce my rules in my home, whether the parents are present or not. It's my home, my rules. When I'm on their turf, I request that they use manners when dealing specifically with me and ignore any bad behavior I see unless it's something dangerous. Their homes, their rules. With my niece and nephew, I have learned to keep my mouth shut at all times. Their parents pulled them from my care and we really only see them a few times a year now (which is TOTALLY sad, but that's another story) and I cannot even give them permission to play with a toy or to have a drink or anything without getting snapped at, so I simply respond to all requests with "You have to ask your Mommy or Daddy." Unless one of them physically runs into the street AND a car is coming, I do not say a word.
I hope this helps!! Good luck!

This is going to be hard advice to follow but I had to learn this lesson the hard way with another mom in a similar situation...now I don't try to instruct her children unless they are being unsafe or hurting someone...and even then I ask them very nicely to stop, "No hitting please"...if my son is joining in with a behavior I don't find appropriate then I only talk to my son and specifically tell him that I don't care if all the other kids are doing it, that I don't want him doing (insert random trouble making or gross activity here) :)

It is especially hard when the other mom doesn't jump in or even makes you feel like YOU are the bad parent (although her children are clearly the ones out of control and not respecting her). It also may help if you make clear restrictions for your home that you can discuss with their mom or post in your home for them to see...

Unfortunately for me the mom has stopped interacting with me...even though I also was never more stern with her son than I am with my own....and she even went further to tell other moms in our group that I am judgmental and think my child is perfect...luckily nobody else has felt that way about me...but I learned to be very careful now when engaging with certain personalities and appreciate the moms I interact with who are glad when their kids are being corrected gently.

good luck!

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To be completely frank, unless it happens in your house, it's not your business. There is someone at DH's work who does the same thing you are describing you do outside your home. I tense up every time she snaps at my kids to leave something alone. I am their mother, and it's my job to deal with my kids. Outside your home, it is up to the mother to handle them, and not you. Maybe she's tensing up because you are offending her and she doesn't want to say anything.

I would pull away from these neighbors. Nothing you do is going to change her. She has to want change herself. I would NOT discipline the kids in front of her no matter how much it bothers you. Remove yourself from the situation. Do you want those kids bad behavior rub off on your kids? She sounds compliated. I try to surround myself with friends with similiar values and similar displine styles.
I have pulled away slightly from my neighbors the kids still play regularly. The one kid is not held accountable for anything. The mom blames everyone else but her son.

Some parents just need to get a clue. Sometimes, it's the kids that need to get the clue. If her children are better behaved for you alone, then it's quite probable that they are also better behaved for her alone. it sounds like these children need to face some real consequences. I would tell the children, very sternly and in front of her, "You do not behave this way when your mother is not here and I won't tolerate you behaving this way when she is." I would go on to tell them that if they are going to continue to push all the rules to the limit, they can go home. Do you really want to be friends with a childish, immature person and have the kids running around like little mad people? If she cares for you, she'll deal with it. As for her tensing up, maybe she feels bad the kids are behaving that way. She isn't necessarily mad at you. I'm not sure you should assume she is. You should just come right out and talk with her. This is the kind of situation that gets blown up. What if your friend sees what you have written here before you talk to her about it? She'd be hurt you didn't come to her first. There's NEVER anything wrong with getting advice from others. Just be sure to face the issue head on with this woman and her children and your own so that all of you can have some peace.

Just wanted to give some encouragement and tell you that I'd do the same in your shoes. It's ridiculous that she would let her kids do those things at someone else's house, let alone get upset when you say something about it. Hooray for responsible parenting!

It sounds like you need to address the issue with her. You don't want to build up resentment. Let her know that when her kids are in your house you need them to respect the household rules. Give her the opportunity to do it herself if she's around. If she refuses then you'd probably better not hang out with her at your house. When in public you should not be disciplining her children, even if they need it. It is crossing the boundary of parenting. I'd only step in if they are mistreating your child, or about to get hurt. Again, talk it through with her, let her know you can tell she is bothered by you disciplining her kids and let her know you won't be doing that anymore, but would appreciate her taking care of the matter herself.

I'm only talking about when she's there. If the kids come over by themselves, then as the adult in charge its your responsibility to control things. :)

Best wishes, I know this is touchy, but hopefully your humility and honesty will strike the right chord with her. :)