How to Not Stress About My Daughters Long Distance Relationship

She's an adult.
If she were living in a dorm you would know a lot less about her relationships - and she'd just have to handle them.
Treat her like she's living in a dorm.
She might be getting to a point where living in an apartment off campus with some roommates makes more sense than to have her living at home.
She needs some independence - and you need to be a bit more out of her loop.
She is young.
There's no rush to be in any exclusive relationship.
There's nothing wrong with her playing the field for awhile until she's ready to settle down.

I would not concern myself in her romantic affairs. She is 21. She's living with you for convenience. Don't overstep.

As far as the guy spending the money to come visit, and if she's playing him, that's their business. You're not responsible for this guy or your daughter's actions. She's a grown woman.

If you don't want them sleeping together, that's up to you. They can make alternative arrangements - hostels are pretty cheap, considering he's spending $1200 in air fare, or he can sleep on couch.

I have three young adult children (19, 22 and 25) and while I do of course give them advice (solicited or not) I ultimately let them make their own choices, and mistakes. If you've already told her how you feel, she knows, so stop repeating yourself. Beating a dead horse never works.

She's an adult. She may be serious about a boyfriend, she may not. You can give your permission, or not, for her to have a guest in your home, and you determine the arrangements that are comfortable for you. Don't worry about what her guest is spending to travel. He is also an adult. You really shouldn't stress about her relationship with him. She may break a few hearts, and/or hers may get broken. You should try to let go and accept the fact that you have no control over her relationships, so stressing is pointless and not productive. Give them both your daughter and the young man visiting, the credit for being able to accept the any risks that come with a relationship for them.

She's an adult. You're done parenting her, and whatever person she has turned out to be is the result of her total life experience (parenting, friendships, education, activities, social circle, environment). So much of it was out of your control then, and it certainly is now. I'm hoping that upbringing included good health info about sex, contraception, and protection against sexually transmitted infections.

Why would you "be very angry to find out she is playing everyone"? Why is it your job to manage her relationships or protect a man who is also an adult?

You absolutely have a say in what goes on in your house. If you want her to be able to sleep with someone in her room, fine. If you don't, fine - lay down the law and say "no overnight men in my home." He's 21 - he can sleep on a couch or a borrowed rollaway bed. But you have to be consistent - no "this man is okay but that one is not."

Your job is to be polite to whomever you invite into your home. However, if you feel she is lying to you about other things, then you can have her move out and support herself or share a place with some roommates. It's not up to her to share her relationship status with you or tell you all about who she loves or who she's hot for. If you feel her lying really has an impact on you (like she's stealing or doing drugs), then that's another story. But if not, I'd be nice to the boy, find other interests, stop worrying about micromanaging her adult activities, and try to figure out if she's not telling you details because perhaps you are a bit judgmental.

"I would be very angry to find out she is playing everyone" - why? Who cares if she is "playing" the guys (other than maybe the guys). That's part of the learning experience of dating - exploring different relationships, learning about boundaries, etc.

You sound like the mother of the Scottish guy, protecting his interests more than your daughter's!

It boils down to this - your daughter wants her Scottish friend to sleep over. You can say yes or no. If you are hoping to say "yes but only if you can prove to me that you are not romantically involved with anyone else" - well, first of all, that sounds ridiculous, and secondly, you are not entitled to that information from your daughter.

Your only real responsibility is whether or not to host a guy in your home and allow them to share that room. My answer would be a resounding no - not happening in my house, but that's just me. As to the rest of it - whomever else she is texting, carrying on with, etc. is none of your concern (not being snarky here, it just isn't).

We are facing a somewhat similar situation - our son wanted to bring a girl he barely knows home for Christmas for a month (he is in the military and literally just met this girl last week). In fact, I posted about being concerned that he would try to bring a girl home without telling us until we got to the airport. I ended up confronting him last week and sure enough, that was exactly his plan. This girl is his 5th "this is the one" girlfriend since being stationed in another country for less than 2 years.

I refuse to watch a month's worth of drama between two people who barely know each other, one of which is from another country and may not have the resources to bail out if the situation turns ugly.

If your daughter and this guy are adults - let them do what they need to do, but I'd not be letting them do it in my house.

Good luck.

Personally, I would NOT want my daughter bringing men to my house to stay with her in her room. Yes, I know teens and college kids often have sex, but to let them do it under my roof and have him stay in the bedroom to me, is sort of like enabling/encouraging it, not to mention, it is disrespectful to my household and I honestly don't care to see a parade of men coming through my house every few months, because at that age, it is very rare for a relationship to be serious and long-term, to the point they never date or sleep with anyone again. Again, this is MY personal viewpoint on the subject, you're free to do as you please, as are other moms who may not agree with me.

You may call me old-fashioned I guess, but many of the guys I'd met or date in college would often tell me that neither they nor their brothers were allowed to have a girlfriend sleep over, and one even said his brother got kicked out of the home when his parents found a used condom on their bed and realized he had had sex with his girlfriend when they were out for the day, so maybe not wanting sex to happen under your roof is not that uncommon. A spare room or couch would be more acceptable and in my opinion, a good compromise in helping the young man save up and not spend on hotels, without them overstepping boundaries. Regardless of his accommodations, I hope you discussed the possibility of STDs and the use of a condom, as there is no guarantee that either of them is monogamous.

As to whether she is playing the guys or not, that is not your business. You have no input or right to interfere. Let her and the guys figure it out. Cheating and having your heart broken is always a risk in any romantic relationship. Yes, perhaps she likes the guy in college but he's not giving her the attention or love she seeks so she's keeping him in the back-burner and in the meantime, seeing the Scottish guy. If he comes around and does start liking her, she may choose him over the Scottish guy, but that is a risk that is especially common in a long-distance relationship. I am sure that the Scottish guy has considered that scenario (and who is to know if he is in a similar situation, waiting until something local comes around), and if he still wants to spend the time and money, that's his choice. Why do you feel you owe these guys something and warn them about your daughter not being serious? Her relationships, her business.

Sounds like you are making excuses trying to be concerned about this guys “feelings”, after you said he can stay in your house. No wonder your daughter manipulates situations....

Updated

Sounds like you are making excuses trying to be concerned about this guys “feelings”, after you said he can stay in your house. No wonder your daughter manipulates situations....